tagHumor & SatireAh Dinna Ken!

Ah Dinna Ken!


The meaning of "Ah dinna ken" is "I did/do not know". The other point of interest is that, at rural fairs, beasts awarded prizes wear a rosette largely made of ribbon.

* * * * *

Elaine and Maria had been best friends since nursery school. High school, college and marriage hadn't changed that. A further factor that linked them together is that they were frequently golf widows. Thus, two years ago, they found themselves facing the summer holiday season without their better halves.

"Lets get away on our own." said Elaine.

"Where have you got in mind?" replied Maria.

"Well; the other day I was chatting with one of the moms involved with my grandson Jason's Cub Scout Group. Her pop is British and he lives in the Highlands of Scotland. He even has a web site about where he lives. It sounds appealing."

"Tell me more."

"The web site describes the area; where you can stay and what you can do. It also describes two of the past local people. One was a seer who made all sorts of weird prophesies and the other a pastor who emigrated and took his parishioners with him. They first went to Canada and later on they went to New Zealand where their descendents live to this day."

"It can't be much of a place, if so many left it!"

"As far as I can make out, they were forced to leave so that their landowners could raise sheep instead of tenants."

"What else is there on the site?" Elaine asked.

"Well, there are pages on the geology, archeology and history of the area, as well as a few Scottish jokes!"

"Tell me a joke!"

"Umm, I know. There was this Scotsman crossing the road when he was spotted by two young ladies in a sports car.T hey stared at him as he passed them. So he turned and said 'What interests you, young ladies?' One of them asked if it was true that nothing was worn under his kilt. He enquired did they really want to know. When they both affirmed their interest, he told them that nothing was worn under the kilt. It was all in working order!"

"At least," Elaine giggled "their sense of humor matches ours."

"So, what do you think of the idea?"

"Ever since I watched 'Brigadoon' on television, I've wanted to go to Scotland to see if the fact stood up against the fiction."

"Weren't the Americans in that story on a walking holiday?" asked Maria.

"Yes, I think they were."

"Then that's what we'll do too."

* * * * *

Two months later after waving goodbye to their husbands who were laden down with golf clubs, they grabbed their haversacks and set off in a taxi to the airport.

Their plans involved an overnight stay in Glasgow before setting out on the West Highland Way. They thought that this should take them ten days to two weeks to accomplish. After a few days relaxing in Fort William, they planned on walking up the east shore of Loch Ness to the City of Inverness. After that, they thought that they would see how their feet were holding out.

As it happened , the 93-mile walk had taken its toll and so, they decided to take the boat from Fort William to Inverness, cruising Loch Ness. That night, they enjoyed a stay in a three-star hotel.

Next morning they caught the bus to Ullapool. As it pulled up in the Ferry terminal, in the distance, they could see the ferry steaming up Loch Broom. Their connecting mini-bus to Lochinver in Assynt pulled in just as alighted from the Inverness bus.

They spotted a kilted figure laying out on the ground; a nearly-empty half-bottle of whiskey clutched in his outstretched hand. Now Donald had returned that morning from Inverness where he had attended a wedding the day before. As it was a warm sunny day, he thought to relax with his bottle. Before long, he had dropped off into a dreamless slumber.

As the ladies approached Donald, his quiet snoring reassured them that he was not in distress, which had been their first thought. They were about to pass him when they noticed that his sporran had slipped to one side of his widespread legs.

"Do you think..."Maria asked.

"We shouldn't. Should we?" replied Elaine.

"Why not? As long as he doesn't wake up."

As they quietly got closer to Donald, they crouched down, hoping to see up his kilt. They couldn't. As Donald didn't stir they became bolder. Maria leaned forward and carefully lifted the hem of Donald's kilt

The legend was correct. Maria thought to herself that they should mark their discovery and delved in her bag. Finding a small length of ribbon, she leant forward again and wrapt it around Donald's member, tying the ends in a bow.

They walked on and out of our tale.

* * * * *

Much later, Donald stirred, and feeling a constriction in his erection as he woke up, he lifted up his kilt and inspected himself. As the ribbon's presence sunk in, Donald muttered to himself. "Ah dinna ken what you've been up to, but I'm pleased to see that you were Highly Commended."

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