Alan Was Alone

[This story is all about loneliness and finding a cure. This is not a stroke story. There is no explicit sexual content. If you've never been alone long enough for being alone to hurt all the way to your soul, don't read this story. It won't resonate. I know Alan and Sue (names changed to protect them from having fans) and they have been back from the cruise for five years. They are still together and so are Brian and Carol, Frank and Sally.]

A guest speaker came to a Single's Group meeting at a church. He spoke about his life. It sounded a lot like Alan's life. This happened, that happened. It was a sad life the man spoke of. The energy in the room that began as hopeful and happy was headed into a cesspool. Then he spoke of making a decision about pain.

He asked how many people in the room liked pain. No hands went up. He said he didn't believe them. He asked, if they didn't like pain, why weren't they doing something about it?

Alan didn't hear anything else the man said. For the rest of his time at church that week he was deep in his own head. All week long he did his life as he did his life every week. It was routine and boring. However, this week he kept thinking about what the speaker had said. "If you don't like pain, why aren't you doing something, anything, to get rid of the pain?"

The cure was easy to identify, in his mind. Have a relationship with someone. Be in a relationship. Knowing that, didn't help. How to get from where he was to where he wanted to be was the tough, unknown road.

Sunday morning came and Alan got up, did his routine and was in a seat at church ten minutes before it began. He let the service hit him and bounce off. He stood when everyone else stood. He sang when everyone sang. But, he didn't listen, he wasn't there. He was in his head looking for the answer to how to get from lonely to in relationship.

When the service was over he didn't do what he normally did. Jack in the Box would probably survive without his Sunday business for that Sunday. He stayed in his seat and waited for the singles meeting to start.

It started and the man leading that day said that the Rev had asked him to spend some time with the group talking about the speaker they had heard the week before. Alan came alive. He sat up straighter. His eyes saw and his blood pressure went up a little. He stood up.

"Yes, sir. Do you have a comment about the speaker from last week?" The man up front asked Alan.

"I do. I have been thinking about it all week. I don't know why I'm on my feet. It's the first time I've spoken in eight years of coming here. I'm lonely. I wake up alone. I work alone. I eat my meals alone. I haven't taken a vacation in eight years because I don't want to go alone. Last night I had a dream and in my dream I was alone. I have asked myself all week what I need to do to stop being alone. I'm making the answer up, right now. There are at least a hundred women in this room who are in the right age range for us to be compatible. I am forty-one. If being in relationship with a forty-one year old man could work for you, then I'm talking to you. I want to be in relationship, and soon. I'm going to make reservations for a three-day cruise to Mexico for the first weekend of next month. Reservations for a cabin for two. Here's what I promise: The purpose of the cruise is to spend three intense days finding out if you and I can be a couple. I will not exert any sexual pressure on you unless you invite it. Those cabins come with twin beds and I'm fine with staying on my bed for the cruise. If you're interested in not being lonely anymore, and interested in seeing if we could be the cure for each other, then when this meeting is over meet me over in that corner (he pointed) and we'll talk."

He sat down. The room sat quietly for twenty seconds. The man up front didn't say anything. When he was about to say something a woman three rows away from Alan stood up. She didn't look at the man up front, she just spoke, looking at Alan.

"I didn't catch your name when you spoke. I'm Sue. I did hear your heart. I'm not going to wait until the meeting ends. I want to stop being lonely, too. I've been hiding in fear for years. For a week I've been asking myself what I was afraid of. I was afraid of the pain of being rejected. As you spoke I realized I have been living in pain all this time, afraid of possible pain and afraid of ending the pain! That's insanity! I'm hungry! I'm starving! I invite you to leave with me right now and let's go somewhere and become an US."

She started working her way out of the row she was in. Alan stood and headed out of his row. Before they met in the center aisle another man stood up.

"My name is Brian. I don't know those two and I am family. I write my mom in Nebraska and tell her I am the only hermit in a city of eight million people. I'm willing to book a different cabin on the same cruise, under the same conditions. I'm willing to leave the meeting now and go create an US from two lonely people. If you're interested, I'll be in the back of the room."

Alan didn't see who Brian linked up with. He didn't see the twenty other lonely people who gave up lonely from him being brave. He met most of them on the cruise. Sue was with him on the cruise. When they walked into their cabin Sue pushed the twin beds together. Alan helped.

Last year Alan was the man in front of the room in a different Singles meeting. He had this conversation with a woman who had just shared that she wanted a relationship, a loving relationship.

"How many people are on planet Earth?"

"Six billion, or close to it." She said.

"For this discussion, how many of the six billion are men?"

"Half?"

"Ok, that's close. So, three billion men. Now if we divide them by age and we figure they range from birth to eighty, and we figure there about the same number of men in each age that would be 37,500,000 of any one age. How old a man do you want?"

"Somewhere between twenty-eight and forty."

"So, if we do the math you want a man between twenty-eight and forty. That's a twelve year range. Twelve years times 37,500,000 is 450,000,000."

"But, most of them are married!" She protested.

"Right! Lets say 75% are married and 8% are gay, in prison, mentally unfit, or terminally ugly. That's 88% of the 450 million men are disqualified. That still leaves 54 million men available for you to have a relationship with. So, let me understand this, there are 54 million men available for you to be in relationship with and you stand up in a room with four hundred people in it and tell me you cannot find anyone?"

"No. I've been single forever and I haven't found him."

"Ok. Obviously the big math isn't working for you. Lets do this: If you are a man between twenty-eight and forty stand up." Over a hundred men stood up.

"If you are in a relationship that you believe will soon lead to being married, sit down. If you are married, sit down." Very few men sat down.

"So, do you have something in you that says, he has to be three inches or more taller than me?"

"I'd like that, yes."

"How tall are you?"

"Five feet five."

"Gentlemen, if you are shorter than five eight, sit down." Fifteen men sat down. There were still over a hundred men standing.

"Any other deal breaker qualifications?"

"He must have a good job."

"You heard her. If you don't have a good job then please sit down." A few more sat down.

"Look around the room. There are nearly a hundred men in the room who say they want to be in a relationship. They meet your qualifications." Alan paused while she looked.

"Gentlemen, I'm making this offer to you. Look at her. If you would be willing to take a risk and go out to dinner with this woman, who is twenty-seven years old, has a good job, is five feet five and looks like... well you can see how she looks, then stay standing. Otherwise, sit down." Thirty men sat down.

"You want to be in a relationship? Pick one. Make room for her to get out of her row. Walk up to any man standing in the room and know that he is willing to go to dinner with you, willing to have a conversation of possibility with you about creating an US from two people who were complaining about not being in relationship." She was walking around the room, looking and not choosing.

"Stop. Why didn't you pick this one?" Alan pointed to a man she had just walked by. "Don't answer! I know the answer. You didn't pick anyone because you are so invested in being alone and embracing aloneness as a complaint that none of these men are good enough."

"No! I want..."

"Will you go to dinner with him?"

"I guess so." The man sat down.

"Please Sir, stand back up." Alan walked to him. "You sat down. You stood up saying you were willing. How tall are you?"

"Six foot."

"Job?"

"I have my own CPA firm."

"You like how she looks?" He nodded.

"How old are you?"

"Thirty-three."

"Alan turned to the woman and said, "He sat down because you weren't really looking for a relationship. You didn't pick him because you want to look at every single man in the 54 million men to make sure you get the best one. I do not want to go with you to the strawberry festival. You won't get any strawberries because you will be afraid if you pick one it won't be the best one." Alan paused.

"Thank you Sir for our conversation." The man sat back down. Alan turned back to the woman.

"Here's a truth, a lesson for all of you. Sue, will you please stand up?" Sue stood up. "Of the 54 million women available when I was going to meetings like this do you think Sue was the perfect woman for me? That no other woman could have been as good for my life as Sue? Don't be nuts! Sue was inside the box where all the appropriate women live. What makes her the woman for me is that we choose to make that so. I love Sue with all my heart. I decided to love her. Sue do you love me?"

"With all my heart."

"Did you fall in love with me?"

"No, I am in love with you on purpose."

Alan pointed to everyone in the room and said, "Most of you are not in a relationship because you live in a myth about relationships. Relationships that serve the people in them are active creations. You wake up in the morning, roll over with a day's growth of beard and morning breath and open your eyes to see someone with no make up, messy hair and morning breath and you say, "Good Morning Sweetheart, I love you." The "I love you" isn't something you found under the blankets, you created it in the face of her or him not being Brad Pitt or Jennifer Aniston. You create it every day by saying it and spending the rest of the day making it so."

"Young woman, I thank you for giving all of us an opportunity to look at who we are in the realm of relationships. Now, you have thirty seconds to choose, otherwise I'm going to have them all sit down."

She pointed to a man fifteen feet away.

"All the rest of you men can sit down. Thank you for participating. I'm not done with you." He walked to the man she had picked.

"Congratulations! Can you come with me, please?"

They went back to where the woman was standing.

"Your name is?"

"Frank Singer."

"Frank I'd like you to meet... I don't know your name."

"Sally. Sally Masters."

"Frank, meet Sally Sally Masters."

They shook hands.

"I have a gift for the two of you. When this meeting ends you two are going to dinner. The dinner is at Ocean Avenue Seafood in Santa Monica and you aren't paying." There was cheers and clapping.

"Next Sunday I want both of you to promise me you'll be here for this meeting. Right after the opening prayer I'm going to have you stand up, together, and report on your relationship. Will you do that?"

Frank nodded. Sally smiled. Sue took them both by the hand and led them to the back of the room. Alan turned to the rest of the room.

"Someone please share what you got from this interaction?"

Hands went up and Alan pointed to a man near where he was standing. The man stood.

"I got that I'm a coward. I've been complaining but not willing to get off my... butt, and do something about my complaint. You did and now you are in a relationship with a beautiful woman. I want that." He started to sit down. Alan motioned him back up.

"How old are you?" "Thirty-two."

"Job?" "Yes."

"Ladies, are you willing to go somewhere and start a relationship with this man? If you are meet him at the back tables. Be prepared to be here next week and report on how the creation is doing."

A woman was already on her way to the back of the room. Some people clapped. Another woman stood.

"I'm Kathy. I'm forty-six, divorced, one seventeen year old son, a good cook and lonely." Across the room a man stood and waved at her. They met in the center aisle and hugged. Alan stopped them.

He asked, "Why did you walk up to her and hug her?"

"Because if I'm going to love her, I can start now!"

"Kathy, how did that feel?"

"I can choose to love him, without even knowing his name! I kept looking at him as we got closer and I decided to love him. Hugging is what is appropriate."

"So is kissing." Alan said.

They kissed right there in the aisle. After ten seconds Alan said, "Will someone get a fire extinguisher ready, just in case?" The room filled with laughter. One after another people stood and stepped into a new life. At twenty couples Alan stopped the meeting and had the couples stand quietly at the back of the room.

"All of you still seated still have a choice. You don't need this meeting to find a mate. You don't need me up here. You can choose to be in a loving, giving, partnership this week. Or, you can hold onto the complaint that you can't find a relationship in the fifty-four million available people who are available to you. If you choose the second choice, get off this planet!" He turned the mic off, went to the back of the room and took Sue by the hand. She had Frank and Sally with her and the two couples went to dinner.

[There are those who may read this and think it doesn't work this way. You are wrong. I have seen this happen many times. It could happen for you.]