Alex and I Ch. 03

The next day I woke up early and tackled the pool filter. The guys would be there the next day to patch the few cracks it had and then it would be ready to fill. Later that day I was planning on going to a nursery and picking up some plants to put around the house. A few more weeks on the inside and then I could start on the outside, which really just needed a fresh coat of paint.

"What are you doing home?" Maryellen asked as she walked around the side of the house to the lanai. I kept working on the filter, not wanting her to see the angry bruises that I had woken up with.

"I quit. The ambulance squad I applied to accepted my application. I start on Monday."

"That's awesome!"

"I guess."

"What do you mean, you guess? You've been dying for that job."

"I don't know how long I'm going to be here. I'm thinking of heading off to somewhere else."

"Where?"

"California, maybe. I haven't gotten my heart broken in California, thought I might give that a try."

"Jesus, you are such a drama queen."

"Maybe I am, but I'm in pain and that's how I deal with it."

"You'd just be running away from him."

"No, I wouldn't because he already ran away from me. You can't run away from someone who already ran away from you. It's impossible. All you can do is run away from the place you were standing when the other person decided to run."

"What?!"

"I'm not running away from anything. I wasjust thinking I'll try something new."

"You bought a house here!"

"I can fix it up and flip it, or rent it out. If I do six month leases than if I want to come back the most I'll have to wait is six months."

"I still say you're running away from Alex."

"I really don't want to talk about him." I said, forgetting my bruises and sitting back on my feet to face her.

"What the fuck happened to your face?!"

"I got in a fight."

"With who?" She asked. "Did Alex do this to you?"

"No! Alex didn't do this to me. There were some guys at the job site who didn't like the fact that they were working with a fag. I was doing all right one and one but then his friend jumped me from behind."

"I'll fucking kill them. Give me their names, I'm going to start making some calls."

"Don't bother. They're in jail. I go to court in a couple of weeks but I doubt they'll do any serious time."

"Are you all right?"

"No." I answered honestly and she pulled me into a hug. "No, I'm broken right now. I don't feel like myself and I hurt all the time and I just want it to stop. I feel stupid cause I knew it was going to happen, but at the same time I feel helpless cause I couldn't have stopped it even if I wanted to. I'm not sure what to do but I know if I give myself some time I'll figure it something out."

Maryellen didn't say anything and sat back to search my face as if trying to find my answer herself.

"You need to go out."

"Really? That's what you suggest? Going out?"

"Not to a bar, just out out. Get out of here, be with people who don't want anything from you but your company. We're all going out to the boardwalk tonight, you should come."

"I don't really want to."

"Which is why you should. You're going. I'll be here to pick you up at six. We'll eat there." She said as she left. I shook my head and finished the pool filter.

Maryellen was at my house at six, with as many people as she could fit in her car, and two other cars behind hers. She was bringing the whole crew and for Maryellen that meant something. We drove to the boardwalk and walked down it's length treating the kids to this ride or that game. I did get away from my problems for a moment until I turned from watching the kids ride one of the small roller coasters and came face to face with Alex.

"Hey." He said.

"Hey Alex." I answered simply. There was a small girl standing next to him holding his hand. "Who's this?"

"This is my neice, Alicia." Alex turned to her and said something in Spanish. The girl turned and ran over to a young woman who was watching us closely. "That's my sister, Ana."

"Oh, she looks like you." She did, she was gorgeous too. The whole damn family had better genes than Levi.

"I've been looking for you. I stopped at your old place, and even at Maryellen's."

He said. I turned to Maryellen who just raised her eyebrows at me as if to say 'I wasn't going to tell him where you were and you didn't want to talk about him'.

"Yeah, I moved." I said. Alex stepped forward and took my hat off, and saw the bruises. He cursed in Spanish.

"I heard what happened but by the time I got there you had left. Pete said you quit."

"Yeah."

"You quit because of them?"

"I didn't quit because of them, Alex. I quit because of you. Because of us." I walked around him and tried to continue on my way but he caught up with me and walked beside me.

"I know."

"Well, now you know. You also know now why I can't see you or talk to you." Alex stood in my way.

"No, Josh. I don't know why you can't talk to me or see me."

"That's funny considering you asked to be assigned to another job so you wouldn't have to see me." I argued.

"I know." He said, and hung his head. "I've been a schmuck. I've been trying to work through something and I couldn't do it with you there."

"Why do guys always say shit like that? It's such fucking bullshit!!! I was there for you when you needed me or wanted me but when I needed you you were gone!!" Alex kept glancing embarrassed looks over at his sister and her kids.

"I know and I'm sorry. I really am. Can we go somewhere and talk about this?" He asked.

"No, Alex. We can't."

"But why?"

"Because after every time we have sex you freak out and leave. Because that's all it is to you is sex. Because I can't keep throwing my heart into something that's not going to work and it's not going to work with you. You're straight, I'm not."

Alex was staring at his feet and wouldn't look up to meet my eyes. I thought I saw a tear drop fall and knew he was hurting too. It had to be confusing for a straight man to figure out why he had sex with another man. I felt the anger leave me and was just left with a depression.

"Look Alex," I began. "This isn't your fault. This is mine. I knew you were off limits, that you weren't like me and I still allowed it anyway. You were just having fun and normally that'd be fine. I fell in love. It's my fault. But I am hurting right now and I can't be around you or see you anymore. I need to do what's best for me now. So, please just stay away. I'm sorry I can't be your friend."

I turned around and walked back to the car knowing that Maryellen was following me having left her kids with Mondo, her sister and her husband. She would see me home and there I would be safe. I felt her arm wrap around my shoulder as we walked and I leaned against her as I cried.