Alexis

'Whoa, Robs, calm down! I wasn't talking myself down!' she protests.

'Yes, you were, and don't you ever dare do it in front of me again!'

I get up and storm back into the lounge, to flump down and stare at the fire. I can feel the embarrassment at my overreaction crawling its way up my throat to my face. But I sit and sulk.

It can't have been long before Alexis walks through to the lounge.

---

'Mind if I sit?'

'Knock yourself out, Lexi.'

She lowers herself down on the blanket next to me. I shoot her a glance, then look away.

'Sorry for upsetting you, Robs. I was just teasing.'

'Maybe, but it hurts me when you talk trash about yourself.'

'Why?'

'Because you're my awesome big sister and I hate that you might not love yourself as much as I love you.'

'Robs, listen... '

'No, you listen, Lex. You're an amazing, caring, gentle woman. You stayed here to look after me when you could have made it big elsewhere. I will not sit here and listen to you talk yourself down. You're gorgeous. Repeat it after me!'

Lexi gives me an odd look, but recovers and assumes a naughty schoolgirl pose. 'You're gorgeous', she says seriously.

'Alexis!' I yell, and hit her with a pillow.

She laughs, leans back out of range of my second attack, and then suddenly hugs me fiercely, taking the wind out of my sails. 'And you,' she whispers, 'are just as gorgeous. So here's the deal. You stop talking yourself down, and I will to.'

'I don't!' I protest.

'Yeah, you do, and you know it.' she responds. There's not really that much I can say.

Lexi pulls her legs up under herself, and stares at the fire. 'I'm serious, Robyn. I don't know why you're so anti-people. You're a stunning woman, if you'd only comb the twigs out of your hair.'

'My twigs!' I mutter. 'Mine.'

She laughs again, and pats me on the head. 'Any more of that whisky left?' she asks. I go grab us both a tumbler, then come and sit back down next to her.

'Thanks', she says, and sips it. She pulls a face. 'Never understood how you could drink this stuff'.

'It's Dad's favourite' I say quietly. She glances at me, then sighs. 'Didn't know that' she murmurs.

'Do you still miss them?' I ask her.

'Every second of every minute of every day', she responds tiredly.

'I was so angry with them, Lexi. So angry. I couldn't believe they did something so stupid. Why drive through that storm, knowing the roads haven't been gritted?'

'They wanted to get home' she says. 'Clever people make silly decisions every day. Sometimes that catches them out.' I stare into my tumbler. Lexi reaches out and wraps an arm around me, pulling me closer.

'Do you regret being saddled with me?' I ask, quietly.

'What?' she exclaims. 'God, Robyn, no! You're my sister, of course I'm not saddled with you, you needed me and I stayed for you!'

'But you had a chance at an awesome life out there'

'My life is here. I'm only twenty four, Robs, plenty of time for me to explore the world!'

'But you're here and lonely.'

'Less lonely than I'd be without you.'

I sigh, and drain my tumbler, then fetch the bottle and refill it. Lexi eyes me, then drains hers as well and presents her tumbler for a top-up.

'You sure?' I ask

'Hit me' she says, so I do. She's a lightweight, but we don't have anywhere to go, so what's the worst that can happen.

'Fire needs more wood', she volunteers after a silence. I oblige and build it up. She arranges the pilfered sofa pillows for us and we both lie back.

'So have you kissed a boy?' she asks.

'Not this again!' I protest.

'I'm curious!' she responds. 'Humour me, it's cold outside, it's just the two of us, and we're getting drunk and spilling secrets, so you can spill this one!'

I grumble. Then think. 'Maybe once, at a varsity party.'

'What!' she exclaims. 'Seriously, you've never kissed a guy?'

'Lexi!' I protest. 'Why does it matter, good god!'

'Robs, are you...'

'Still a virgin?' I finish for her. She blushes, guiltily. 'Yeah. I am. Unless you count my regular liaisons with Mr Palm and his five lovely sons'

'Robyn' she shrieks, laughing. 'Oh god, I'm sorry, that hilarious. But seriously, what?'

'Never felt the need' I mutter. 'My lady parts are just fine by themselves.'

'But surely you've wanted to?', she asks.

'Alexis, seriously, I'm not going to get into this with you right now!'

'Oh Robyn,' she sighs, theatrically, and slumps back onto the pillows. I turn my head to watch her. She's got an impish grin.

'It's the best feeling ever', she says, after a moment.

'What, kissing?'

'No, sex.'

'Lexi, seriously, you're starting to make me feel really uncomfortable.'

'Why?' she asks, raising herself onto an elbow and looking down at me. 'Why does this make you so embarrassed? Don't you find it interesting to talk about sex?'

'Of course I do,' I protest, 'but you're my sister!'

'So?' she asks. 'Surely that means you can talk with me?'

'Lexi, please stop.'

'Why are you so afraid to open up to me?'

I sit up abruptly and stare at the fire. I knock back my whisky, refill it, and knock that back too, gagging slightly as it burns its way down to my stomach.

'Robs?' she asks, quietly. 'I've never seen you do that before. What's going on?'

'You want to know why I'm sad? Why I'm a loner? Why I don't open up? Because. Because I'm still a virgin. Because I like girls.'

There's a silence. I close my eyes, feeling them start to burn. This isn't how I imagined telling her.

Lexi clears her throat. 'I thought you might. Why's it taken you so long to tell me?'

I start to shiver as the sobs come. 'Because I was scared, dummy!' I yell. 'I had nobody to talk to about it. I would have been expelled if it had been discovered. And then if I'd told you you'd have left me I'd have nobody left! I'd have... been... alone'

'Oh Robyn,' Lexi sighs, and scoops me up. 'Shhh. Oh god, Robs, I wish you'd told me sooner. I've suspected for years, love. What made you think I'd leave you?'

'Because everyone else has!'

I'm not too proud to cry. I just try not to because it hurts so damn much. But Lexi is there, holding me till it’s over. It still hurts like hell. But like everything it passes eventually.

She gets up and disappears, returning with tissues which I promptly decimate, sacrificing the used ones to the fire. Lexi grabs another blanket which she wraps around my shoulders.

'I must look lovely right now,' I manage.

'Stunning', she winks at me. 'Bright eyed and bushy tailed.' I choke, then cough, then laugh.

'How long?' I ask, after a while.

'At least three years, possibly longer. You never talked about boys and you never mentioned girls who were friends. Then you left your Mac around one day and I was inquisitive.'

'Oh god' I mutter.

'Yeah, that'll teach you' she grins. 'Your browser history was interesting. I learned a few things.'

'Lexi!' I yell, helplessly.

'What?' she says, innocently. 'You left it unlocked and you know I'm nosey.'

'Nosier than I thought'. I make a mental note to start clearing my history frequently.

The fire crackles a bit.

'Kissed any girls?' Lexi asks.

I sigh. 'No. Never had the chance. I liked a girl desperately. Never plucked up the courage to tell her. It's for the best.'

'That's a pity' she says. More silence. 'I'm going to shower' she announces, as she stands and stretches. Lexi stretching is something else. She rises onto her toes, arches her back, tilts her head and reaches up as if she's trying to fly. It's like ballet, and like always I watch her. She's always so graceful. 'You going to be up a while, Robs?'

'Yeah.'

'Ok, see you in a bit then.'

---

I curl up, watching the coals and mentally picking at the jagged bits inside me. I feel exhausted yet somehow better for it. Truth be told I'd always dreaded this moment. Lexi must have known. I wonder how long she'd been plotting on how to yank me out of the closet.

She's always been able to know what I'm thinking.

Unbidden, the image of her and Andrew comes to me again. I shift, uncomfortably. I've seen Lexi undressed far enough to have a reasonably intimate knowledge of her body, and in my current state it makes me very uneasy.

Her breasts are small. Stop it. Her mid-shoulder length blond hair is tousled. Stop it, Robyn. Light sheen of sweat on her skin. Mouth open, eyes closed. Stop it, Robyn. Stop it.

To distract myself, I throw more wood onto the fire and pick up a magazine. Furniture. Couches. Settees. Beds. None help. I squeeze my legs together in frustration and groan. I have a suspicion that I'm highly sexed, but practical experience has, alas, been lacking, bar self-exploration. I've always had a visual imagination, hence the porn links on my laptop. Thank God she never found the fiction, I think to myself.

I'm too drunk to go for a run and too horny to shut my mind down. Desperate times, desperate measures. I lie back down on the floor, drag the blanket over me, and unbutton my pants. I slip my hand down under the waistband of my briefs (more comfortable than panties) and try to relax. As always, I'm ridiculously wet and my finger slips effortlessly over the hood of my clitoris; but release eludes me and my frustration wars with the faint haze of alcohol, with alcohol winning. I feel warm and safe, if frustrated, and less wound up than I can ever remember feeling. Clearly opening myself up to Alexis has removed a major stressor from my life.

I don't even remember falling asleep. At some point during the night I snort awake, finding myself under some additional blankets. Lexi the blanket fairy must have visited while I was sleeping. I roll over. The fire is still flickering and by its light I can see Lexi asleep on the couch, under some more blankets. Odd - she usually only sleeps in her own bed.

She's lying on her back, legs slightly bent. Suddenly she shifts one of her legs, and I hear a soft whimper. The blankets are moving slightly. Is she... she is! I feel myself starting to flush and my pulse starts to race as I realise I've caught her playing with herself. It's incredibly embarrassing. I know I should make some noise, roll over again or something, but I can't... I'm so turned on by the thought that my sister is masturbating not three metres from me that I can't do anything but slowly slide my own hand back down, slipping a finger gently between my lips and finding my clit. I stroke myself, heart thumping in my chest, listening Alexis playing with herself.

I can hear her breathing tempo increase, and my own does in sympathy. I build and build, then my thighs clamp down on my hand as I start to climax, finger stroking along my clit and lips down to my aching entrance while I hear Alexis whimpering a quiet 'fuckfuckfuck'.

I lie dead still as I recover, trying not to shudder. My orgasm was strong, verging on epic. And I feel incredibly dirty at the thought that it was the sight and sound of my sister playing with herself that made it so hot for me.

I hear her shifting, and quickly close my eyes to slits. Her eyes are open and she's looking my way. She watches me, for maybe thirty seconds. Then she sighs, rolls back over, and doesn't move again.

---

I sleep eventually, and I don't remember dreaming. When I finally wake up, grey light is filtering through the French doors and Lexi is gone; her blankets are still crumpled where she left them. I stand and stretch the kinks out of my back, then go hunting some coffee. I nurse a cup of it at the table and mull over what I saw.

I've always been peripherally aware of Lexi's habits. She's an attractive and friendly person, and she's comfortable with herself. But, fantasies aside, until now I'd not thought of her as a blatantly sexual creature. Perhaps this was a peculiar blindness because she's my sister. It's silly, in retrospect. I masturbate. Frequently. It's only logical that she would as well.

But seeing her actually doing it was something else entirely.

I suddenly realise that I'm still in yesterday’s clothes and grimace. Lexi might mock me for my tangled hair but I still prefer being clean to being dirty. I head upstairs and turn on the shower, giving the gas boiler time to warm the water before I climb in. I catch a glimpse of myself in the full length mirror, and whimsically pause to eye myself.

Lexi called me gorgeous. I snort. My mousy brown hair frames a face that I would call plain. In the right light I suppose I could verge on 'attractive'. I pout and then blow a kiss at my reflection. Then I shake my head, annoyed at my vanity. Flirty, hot Robyn is an apparition. Plodding backwoods Robyn is the everyday reality.

I undress and strip out of my sports bra and briefs. Then I stand and stare at myself, taking stock. I'm slim and toned, with only the slightest hint of extra padding around my bum. At least there's that, I suppose. If I can't be hot I can at least be hardcore. I cup my breasts and squeeze them together gently. Adequate cleavage. Not that it matters right now, given that I'm my only lover.

'Oh get over yourself' I tell my reflection, and then climb into the shower. It's gloriously hot, thank God for gas. I brace my forearms against the wall and then lean forward, letting the hot water sluice over my head and shoulders. I close my eyes and daydream, imagining myself a tropical island with a waterfall this hot that I can stand under for hours without gas bills.

I don't know how long I stand there. When I open my eyes, though, Lexi is leading against the bathroom door, grinning at me. I squawk.

'Shit, Lexi!'

'Don't stop on my account', she laughs.

I grab frantically for a towel to cover myself with.

'Oh God, Robs, I've seen just about all of it anyway, I don't know why you're bothering to hide your bod from me.'

'Get out, Lexi!' I shriek, flailing at the taps as I realise I'm soaking my towel under the shower jet. I spin, blinded by the water, and my usually great sense of balance lets me down.

Ever dropped a melon or a coconut? A head on tiles makes a sound like that. For some reason this thought is uppermost in my mind in the seconds immediately after I fall backwards and crash against the wall.

I vaguely realise that Alexis is shouting. My ears don't seem to work properly. It hurts like hell. The water is pink. Water shouldn't be pink. Pink water is bad news, after all. I giggle to myself. Sharks and stuff.

Somehow Lexi gets me out of the shower and props me up agaist the bathroom wall. She pushes a facecloth against my head and gives me an imperious 'Hold this and do not move' before she disappears. I woozily wonder where she's gone. My head is stinging like billy-o behind my ear where the facecloth is.

Lexi rematerializes.

'Don't move, Robs. I'm warning you, I'll slap you if you do'.

She starts wrapping something around my head, pulling my fingers out the way as she gets it down where she told me to hold. Her face is beautifully framed between the white sparkles which are swimming through my vision.

'You have very pretty lights, Lexi.' I say, seriously. 'Can I have some of them?'

'Shut it, Robs. Don't move'. She disappears again and I sit, happily watching the lights as they pinwheel. My fingers are tingling as well - maybe the lights are doing it.

Lexi appears again, with a tracksuit. 'Put your feet into this', she says as she holds the tracksuit pants for me, and I oblige. She slides them up to my butt, then grabs the top. 'Arms through the arms', she says, and I oblige again. This is a fun game! Lexi eases the tracksuit top over my head and pulls it down.

'Robs, we're going to the A&E,' she says levelly. 'I need you to help me; I'm not strong, so I need you to try to walk downstairs without slipping. Can you walk downstairs and hold onto the banister and not slip, Robs?'

'Of course' I slur. 'Can do it blindfolded.'

Lexi snorts. 'Ok, on three, I'm going to pull you up. One, two, three!' and up I go.

God, my head hurts. Lexi pulls up my tracksuit pants and somehow we manage to stagger downstairs. Lexi steers me out the front door and down the driveway to mum's old Peugeot. The gravel hurts my bare feet. She manoeuvres me into the passenger seat and closes the door. I think that's the point that I zone out at. I don't remember going there, coming home, or Lexi putting me into bed, but she must have, because bed is where I wake up.

---

It's only 11am, according to the clock.

'Robs?'

I turn my head gingerly. Focussing is a bit difficult right now.

'Hey'. She's sitting on Mum's old chaise longue, which has been dragged into my room to serve as Lexi's perch. Music is scattered all over the place, but none's currently in her lap.

I squint at her. I could almost swear she's been crying. But that's crazy, Lexi doesn't cry.

'How're you feeling?' she asks with concern.

'Woozy' I manage. 'Did you catch the guy who hit me?'

Lexi unfolds her legs, stands and steps over to the bed, sitting down facing me.

'You had me really scared there, Robs.'

I raise a hand and probe my skull. Lots of bandages. Awesome.

'I don't remember much. I hope I didn't bleed everywhere.'

'I'm really sorry, Robyn' she says, softly.

'Forget it, Lexi.'

'You know I'm not built that way'.

'Lexi. It's not your fault I'm a klutz'

'It's my fault you were clumsy. I flustered you and you slipped.'

'Yeah, fair enough, seeing you there was pretty random. What were you doing? Watching me shower?'

'I'd just got back home. I heard the water running and came up to say good morning. I wasn't there for more than 5 seconds.'

'5 seconds, huh?', I tease.

'Okay, maybe 10.'

I eye her blearily. 'Seriously? You were checking me out.'

'I wasn't!' she protests.

'Alexis Julia Blake, you know as well as I do, 2 seconds is a glance and 10 seconds is checking me out.'

She's quiet for a bit, and then says, quietly, 'Alright, you got me.'

Now it's my turn to be silenced.

'What? Seriously?' I finally manage. I struggle with this concept, briefly.

'I just wanted to have something to judge myself by. You're the only girl I know closely enough to ask. I was going to ask, but then you went hara-kiri on me.'

I shake my head reflexively, then groan as the pain hits me.

'Don't do that' says Lexi.

I slump back into the pillows. 'Wish you'd told me not to do that 3 seconds earlier.' I manage. Then I take a breath. 'Why on earth do you need to have someone to judge yourself by, Lexi?'

'Because...'

'Because why?'

'Because guys will lie through their teeth to you if they think they're going to get lucky.'

I stare at her. 'Um. Ok, outside my realms of experience, but if you say so.'

'Take it from me. I know so. So I want... I want an impartial judge.'

I throw up my hands. 'This day couldn't get much weirder, could it.'

Lexi gives me a hurt look. 'I'm sorry, Robs, this was a bad idea. Forget I mentioned anything.'

'No, Lexi, slow down. I'm sore. I'm trying to get up to speed. Ok?'

She leans back slightly, then sighs. 'Ok.'

'So you wanted to see me... nude... so you had someone to judge yourself by? Why me? I'm hardly a good yardstick.'

'Can it, Robs' she warns me. 'We made a deal. Stop talking yourself down. Holy shit, girl, half the women in my orchestra want to kill you every time they see you backstage with me. They're insanely jealous of you.'

'Of me?' I say incredulously. 'Little Robyn stay-at-home, with the twigs in her hair?'

'You really don't get it, do you?' Alexis says flatly. 'God, if you weren't injured I'd thump you, you're so dense sometimes. To them you're this totally together hard-as-nails girl who probably chases down reindeer on the Tundra and skins wolves with her bare hands. You show up and don't give a shit and the men in the orchestra go nuts and the women want to eat your liver. You have this aura and these women can't handle it - they can't conceive that you have it so together that you just don't give two brass pennies about their dresses and their hair and the three hours they spend doing their makeup. You have no idea how attractive that makes you.'