Alice and I

"So, you were going to go without even saying goodbye to anyone?" She asked with an amused look.

"I said bye to Gabrielle. Everyone else was um... busy. I guess," I said. For some reason, it seemed a very flimsy excuse now that she stood in front of me. For a moment, I stared because of the way her skin was being lit up by the strong moonlight.

"I'll give you a lift home," She said. "Or a lift wherever you're going."

"Oh, it's okay, you don't have to--"

"I'd like to, Arun. I'd like to spend some time with you, if that's okay?"

It sounded like a serious question. I faltered, wondering whether I really wanted company at that point, especially because of the way she was looking at me. There was no smile or amusement; just a touch of nerves. It seemed out of place.

"Yeah, that's fine. Uh, where's your car?"

She smiled lightly and jerked her head towards the left. "I parked it up on a side road over there. Come on."

"You have fun tonight?" I asked her as we walked down the road.

"It was nice seeing some people. Been ages. Shame about the cloud of testosterone."

I couldn't help but laugh at that description.

"Took me forever to kind of say my round of goodbyes. That's why you had to wait so long. Sorry about that. I should have just taken a leaf out of your book and vanished like a mysterious stranger of the night!" She said with a theatrical flourish involving her hands waving off into the distance.

"It's okay. Does that happen a lot?"

"What? A bunch of men wanting to hang around me in a big circle?" She asked, flashing a grin as we turned the corner. "That sounds incredibly dirty, doesn't it?" She laughed. "It doesn't happen a lot, no. But... tonight, I don't know. Must be something in the air."

"Maybe."

"My car's just up there. Where do you want to go?"

"I was just thinking of home."

"Ah," She nodded. Then, "You hungry?"

It wasn't until she asked that I realised it'd been hours since I ate. "Actually, a little bit, yeah."

"I know a 24-hour diner if you want to get a bite to eat?"

"Sure. If you're okay with driving us there."

Alice gave me a look. "I have no plans for tomorrow. If you wanted to, I'd drive halfway across England with you right now."

She looked so serious that I couldn't really think of any reply. I nodded instead and thankfully she finally stopped in front of a car. I stared down at it.

"That's your car?"

"Beautiful, isn't he?"

"She. Cars are female," I said automatically. Years of listening to my uncle rave on about cars had obviously had an effect.

"He. My car is ALL MAN!" She said loudly. Then she looked around in case someone had heard. "I forgot how late it is."

"He's beautiful. A BMW i8? You are clearly making more money than I realised."

She grinned and unlocked the doors. We sat inside and got comfortable.

"Actually, an uncle of mine is an investment banker or... I don't know. Something like that. One of those arseholes that everyone hates because they're making money for rich people who don't need it. He gave me some good advice on investments after I made my first year of money."

"Oh."

"I just hope none of it was dodgy money. I don't think it was. I don't think he'd do that to me."

"But he would to others?" I asked, looking around at the interior. The car was ridiculously comfortable and the dashboard had clean lines with rows of buttons and a couple of screens. The area behind the steering wheel was all digital, something I had no idea about and was surprised to see a screen light up with the speedometer on display as she started up the car.

"Who knows with people who worship money?" Alice shrugged.

I gave her a dubious look.

She caught it and smiled. "Relax, will you? I can promise you this car was not bought with dirty money. My uncle's not that kind of person. His brother-in-law was, though. He's in prison for fraud."

"Oh."

"It's one of those family things no one talks about but it gets awkward at reunions. His wife didn't show up for a couple of years in a row until my mother had a go at her and told her it wasn't her fault. It was a shock to everyone, really."

"That's unfortunate," I said, unsure of what else to say. I still couldn't quite believe I was sitting there with Alice of all people. The seat was even okay on my back, which was feeling a little tired. I wondered how long we would be out. Having said that, the car was so comfortable once she started driving, that the desire to go home had nearly disappeared altogether.

"Did you have a good time?" She asked, turning onto the main street.

"It was okay."

"You still have that thing about not wanting to be around people?"

"... It's a lot better now than it was before."

"That's encouraging."

"Yeah."

She must've sensed I didn't really want to talk about this, because she turned the focus on herself. "I feel like that occasionally these days. There's nothing like being exposed to the camera in nearly your entire birthday suit that makes you want space sometimes."

"Uh... I wouldn't know."

She gave me a sheepish look. "Sorry. Too much information, huh?"

"It's okay. It wasn't too much. I just... I'd never thought about it before, I guess. Sometimes I forget you've even done nude work."

"I always figure that's most of the reason I end up with men trying to have a go." She paused briefly and then slowly said, "Um... I'm kind of curious about something."

"Oh?"

"Have you ever actually seen any of, you know, those kinds of pictures of me? The nude photo-sets and all."

"Actually, no. I've seen the first few pictures of some of the photo-sets but never anything nude. In fact, not even underwear."

"... Wow. I'm kind of shocked."

For some reason that seemed like an odd thing to say to me. "Why?"

"Well, I don't know... I just... Actually," She grinned, "I don't know whether to be offended or not." Then she laughed somewhat shyly.

I had no idea how to react to this, so I didn't say anything.

"So, what stopped you looking?" Alice asked.

"I..." Good question. I had no real answer to it. Why did I never look? Did I just not want to see her? Be reminded of her? Or was it just because it seemed like I'd be invading her privacy? Then again, how many people must've seen her nude in those poses?

"Arun?"

"I don't know. I think maybe I felt like it was too intrusive. Like I was doing something wrong."

"Wrong?"

I shrugged.

"That's actually kind of sweet."

"Is it?"

"Yeah. But you are aware that thousands of people have probably seen those pictures?"

"Sure, but most of them aren't your friends."

She turned her head briefly and glanced at me with an odd expression I couldn't decipher. Then she was looking forward again, looking deep in thought. I felt like asking her what she was thinking about but this was a conversation I'd never had with anyone and I didn't quite know which way to go with it.

"You make a good point," She said eventually. "I suppose maybe some of my friends have seen it. Maybe that doesn't really matter though. Well... just so you know, I really don't mind if you look."

"... I will keep that in mind."

She gave me a grin which was slightly unsettling after what she'd said, but in a good way. If that is possible. I found myself forcing my eyes to look out at the houses and high street shops we were passing.

"Did you have a favourite?" She asked.

"Favourite what?"

"You said you'd seen the first few pictures of a few shoots I'd done. I wondered if you had a favourite."

I felt too embarrassed to meet her eyes. "Did you really just ask me that?"

"Yes, Arun, I most certainly did. Judging from that reaction I'd say I touched a nerve or something," She said in a playful tone.

"A nerve? No, I just... I mean... most of your photo-sets were kind of... I mean they had a sexual focus."

"Didn't stop you from looking at a few."

"I feel like I've just put myself into a huge dark room and I can't see the exit."

She laughed. "You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I'm just curious. It just occurred to me that we've never really spoken about that kinda thing."

"Your pictures?"

"Well, just your sexual side, I mean. Or mine, for that matter."

She was right. It wasn't something we ever really touched on. That made sense though. After all, we were friends, not anything else. So, we wouldn't talk about things like that, would we? Unless, of course, this was another social convention that had flown over my head.

"I wasn't aware we were talking about our sexuality..." I ventured carefully. "Just your pictures."

"Well, I happen to think whatever you tell me, it'll reveal a bit about yours."

This was something I agreed with to an extent. After all, if I'd seen pictures of her that involved her expressing her sexual side to an audience of voyeurs and I'd preferred some over others, it wouldn't be a hard leap to judge that I had certain preferences where it came to what women wore in sexual contexts.

Alice was stunning. In part, I think I'd never bothered looking beyond the first few pictures of any of her photo-sets because not only did it feel intrusive but I was also certain that I wouldn't ever really get the images out of my head. Without even realising it, I was already rifling through my memories of the ones I had seen and what she'd been wearing in them.

There was a set where her curves were covered by a short red dress with straps and a hem that came down to just above her knees, including a fair amount of cleavage that had made me realise that she was more well-endowed now than she had been before she left. Another where she wore a black dress that hugged her figure all the way from collarbone to thighs; seemed to be made of a stretchy cotton blend. Another where she wore a corset and a pair of jeans. She'd done over three hundred shoots in the past five years and I had only briefly seen the beginning of perhaps twenty at most.

"Let me guess, now you just can't stop thinking about me naked," Alice said. I could practically hear the smile in her voice.

That made me so nervous that I immediately tensed up as I looked at her and felt a shock of pain shoot across my mid back. I just about managed to stop myself from crying out but I couldn't stop the wince that creased my face. Thankfully, she was focused on the road in front of us and didn't see anything.

Then, for some reason I could not fathom, I told her. "There was one you did about two years ago where you wore a black dress that was almost like a second skin. Exposed your shoulders. Neckline went across the collarbones and it ended mid-thigh. Looked like stretchy cotton."

I was sure she was looking at me when I finished but I didn't meet her eyes. I was still surprised I'd even told her.

"I liked that dress too," She said eventually. "I still have it."

"..."

"Had to wear nipple coverings in the shoot, though. Otherwise the dress made some things... kinda obvious. And we weren't really going for that in that particular shoot. Besides, I guess a lot of guys like the slow reveal."

I didn't ask what she meant but I could guess. There'd been another set where I'd seen briefly that she had prominent nipples that cast little shadows in contrast to the bright red of the tight top she was wearing at the time. I tried to force the image out of my mind and tried to replace it with something else. I didn't really need to go down this road; it was inappropriate.

We were both silent for nearly a minute and it felt like forever in the small space of the car. I suppose that meant it was an awkward silence, but I didn't feel awkward within myself. I wasn't sure about her. I didn't know whether to bring it up at the risk of actually making the atmosphere awkward.

Alice broke the silence. Maybe she'd been thinking the same things.

"I need to come up with some kind of strategy to extricate myself from situations like that. I mean, usually I can, you know? But I mean at a party or something, because there isn't really anywhere to go when you're at someone's place."

It took me a few seconds to realise she was talking about earlier in the night when she'd been surrounded by those men. "You could've told them to just leave you alone?" I suggested.

"Nah... That feels too rude. For some reason, I'm still too polite for my own good. Amazing considering the complete wankers I've met in the last few years."

"Oh?" My curiosity was now alive. "Like?"

"Oh, just a few agents and directors and photographers. Some of them are arrogant fuckers. That doesn't even include the couple of boyfriends I had."

"I thought you got on with both of them."

"I did before I broke up with them."

"Oh."

"They turned into a couple of twats. It's amazing what breaking up will do to people."

I shrugged. I'd only had two relationships so far in my life and both had ended more or less on amicable terms. I stared at the glow of the lights from the radio, mesmerised by the brightness, while she glanced at me a few times. I could just about see her doing that, but could not think of a way to react. It'd been so long since I last saw her, I was actually beginning to feel a little nervous in her company. It'd been fine at the party because there were so many other people around. The frequency of her glances made me wonder if she was feeling nervous too.

"Are you okay, Arun?"

I nodded.

"Okay. You just looked deep in thought."

"What do I look like when I'm deep in thought?"

She opened her mouth and then shut it. She focused on the road momentarily, then glanced at me and said, "Like you're deep in thought."

I raised my eyebrow at that and she laughed. Somehow it lessened the nerves.

Several minutes later, we were at an all-night American style diner on an A road just outside of London.

She'd ordered herself a burger and fries and was happily munching away on them. She always picked up one fry at a time and always took at least two bites to eat each one, no matter how short it was. I found it fascinating. I wondered if it was a habit she'd picked up from watching her weight during her modelling career.

I was about to ask her about this, but she spoke first. "Arun, how have you been? Seriously."

I paused at this question. There seemed to be a depth to it I couldn't quite figure out. "Fine. Why do you ask?"

"Gabby was acting a little funny about you when you left."

I was reminded of the feeling I had that Gabrielle had wanted to say something to me. I shook my head. "I wouldn't know what that's about."

"Hmm. So, I have several weeks of doing nothing before I figure out what I want to study and so on."

"Several weeks of doing nothing sounds great," I said, looking at the dessert menu.

"It does. I bet it'll get old after a couple of weeks though. Maybe I need a year out from everything and I can just spend it messing about. Arun, how often do you work?"

"Part-time; five days a week at most, few hours a day. Why?"

"Oh, just wondering. Now that I'm back, I was thinking maybe it's likely we'd see each other often." She said this in a slightly quieter voice and when I looked up from the menu I could see she was keeping eye contact to a minimum.

She had a look on her face that I didn't quite recognise. Then again, I figured there was probably a lot of things about her I had to learn, since I hadn't seen her for so long. I mean things you couldn't learn from talking to someone on the phone; the way their body moved, their mannerisms and any little quirks they might express sometimes. Things that can change over time.

"Where do you live, by the way, Arun?"

"Ealing. I'm sure I've told you this before."

"You have, but I've never seen your flat. Gonna have to rectify that."

As much as I wanted her to visit and see my flat, the prospect of it made me anxious. I was very protective of my space. It was the one place where I could completely relax and not have to worry about how I might come across to someone in terms of my pain and body.

"That'd be cool," I said, settling on the ice cream and looking around for the waitress.

"She's gone into the back," Alice told me.

I looked at her. "I'm feeling like ice cream."

"The ice cream here isn't that great. I know another place a few minutes from here."

"Sounds good. How is it you know all these places to go and eat?"

Alice grinned. "Some of us do go out sometimes, you know? It's called 'having a life.'"

I couldn't help but smile at that. "Yeah. Okay, fair enough. I should try that sometime; having a life."

She nodded. "It's something that can get interesting quite quickly. You know, if you want, I can show you a few places in the city and even around north-west London that I bet you'd like a lot."

There it was again; the desire she had to spend her time with me. It seemed strange to me that she would be so intent on it. It appeared she was trying to be nonchalant about it but that look I'd seen earlier on her face had appeared again; the one I didn't recognise. Of course, it'd been so long since I regularly met up with people that maybe this was perfectly normal and I was simply being paranoid or over-thinking. Or something along the lines anyway.

"Don't count on me being willing all of the time," I warned her. I figured it'd be at least prudent to let her know I was reluctant. "I'm not a very going out person."

She shrugged and smiled. "Maybe I can find some way to convince you to be."

"Like?"

"I'm sure I can think of a few things," Alice replied with a strange smile. There was something else to the smile and I don't know if it was deliberate, but she leaned forward a little. Either I was getting good at noticing body language or I was over-thinking her movement; the latter was more likely. Maybe she was flirting? I don't know but I said nothing to that in return. I just gave her a nod and tried to think of something else other than suddenly noticing the hint of cleavage showing above the neckline.

We left that place a few minutes later. I insisted on paying, since she was giving me a lift everywhere and she let me do it. When we got to the ice cream place, I ordered a few scoops of chocolate while she stared at the menu, sighing.

"I think I ate too much," She said, putting the menu down.

"You only had half your burger."

"I know, but I'm not used to it. I wish I'd just had none of it now. Then I could have some ice cream."

I suddenly felt guilty about the idea of eating in front of her, despite having had very little in the diner.

She caught the look on my face and laughed. "It's fine. Just eat the ice cream when it comes and enjoy. I don't mind at all."

"If you're sure..."

"It's fine. Honestly."

"Okay."

The ice cream arrived a couple of minutes later and I started eating, enjoying the cool chocolate in contrast to the warmth around me. Alice simply watched me eat, occasionally grinning and shrugging at me every time I looked at her and asked what she was thinking.

"I know you're thinking about something," I said eventually.

"Why?"

"Because usually you're the one who keeps talking while I listen."

"I know, I know! But... this feels different, don't you think?"

"In a bad way?"

"No. Just different. I'm so used to just hearing your voice and not actually seeing you. I feel like I have to be hyper aware of how you use your body or something."

That made me feel wary. The last thing I wanted was her hyper-awareness noticing anything off about the way I was moving. So far though, she had said nothing and I felt reasonably relaxed, though I knew pretty soon I would want to be on my own and lying down.

"Do you have a girlfriend, Arun?" She asked suddenly. Maybe to fill in the silence.

"No."

"What happened with that girl you told me about?"

"You mean the one I mentioned last year? Whose name I can't even remember right now?"