Alice and I

"Wasn't it Katie or something?"

"Kayley."

"That's the one!"

"Nothing happened with her."

"No girlfriends at all?"

"Not since Joanna."

"Why not?"

I didn't know how to answer that. I thought of that image of Alice and I, with the lines between us but not touching. It was an image that had stayed with me since I last saw her. It was obvious to me I found her beautiful. It was equally obvious I thought she was beautiful within too.

My last girlfriend, Joanna, had eventually split up with me because I couldn't quite be myself with her and I think she could tell. She didn't outright say it, but she did hint that she felt as though I constantly had some kind of wall up. It was true, more or less. I couldn't show her my body and I couldn't always be around her. It was the same problem I had with my first girlfriend.

I was convinced that if, by some amazing chance, I ended up with Alice, the same problem would be present and it would never work. I mean, there's only so far that you can go before someone gets frustrated with a lack of openness, right? Both Joanna and my first girlfriend had proven that. It was my problem and it was one I hadn't properly faced.

"Arun?" Alice said. "You're deep in thought again. Is it that hard a question?"

"I haven't really thought about it," I told her.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Oh."

"What about you?"

Alice suddenly looked a little shy. "Have I been thinking of a relationship?"

"Yeah."

Alice smiled and shrugged. "I haven't had a boyfriend for about a year. I haven't really felt the enthusiasm for it for a while."

"Same boat, huh?"

"Well, there might be one prospect. But I don't know. You lack the enthusiasm, too?"

I gave it a bit of thought. "I don't know. Maybe enthusiasm or reluctance don't come into it when you meet the right sort of person. It just happens."

"Maybe. The prospect I have at the moment is a bit of a mystery."

"Oh?"

"Sort of... I'll just see how it goes, I think."

"Sure." I spooned some ice cream into my mouth and had to look away. I felt tense all of a sudden and that meant parts of my back were beginning to ache. The thought of Alice being focused on some unknown person had triggered a surge of emotions towards her, which I was surprised at, particularly since it was so strong.

Of course, whoever this guy was, he probably didn't have the kinds of problems I had and it'd be easier for her in the long run. I couldn't imagine anyone not being interested in Alice; she had this aura about her. At least she'd find it easier with him. Several years ago I would have been resentful about this, but nowadays I'd accepted it was down to me to deal with myself when I was ready. The trouble was, I hadn't felt ready yet. I was unsure of whether I ever would.

Alice was looking at me again and I started thinking that maybe it was time I went home. Too many things just felt uncomfortable now and for a moment I hated that part of me that wanted to be perfect and unfettered by all the bodily problems I had.

"Arun, are you okay?"

"What? Yeah, fine, why?" I wondered if emotions had been showing on my face. Normally I was good at hiding what I felt.

"Just... I don't know." She looked uneasy.

"I'm tired. I'm not usually up this late."

"Oh." Her unease had disappeared and she gave me an easy smile. "Well, do you want me to take you home?"

I ignored the little voice in my head that made her question sound like innuendo and nodded. "Yeah, if that's okay with you."

"Of course."

One of the waitresses came up to our table to take my empty bowl. It was a moment of distraction while I looked at the clock on the wall. It was just past 2 am; no wonder I felt so tense and out of it.

"Thanks for coming out with me," Alice said, as we got into the car.

"It's okay. I enjoyed myself. Thanks for the lift."

"Don't be silly. It was great seeing you."

... ... ... ... ...

I got woken up by the phone ringing.

For a few seconds, memories of last night came rushing back, flowing past my mind's eye like a vivid tapestry with slightly patchy parts. I remembered she insisted on walking me up to my door because she wanted to lock the image of my front door into her brain. I felt a brief guilt when I noticed I remembered the details of her upper torso and her head a little too well. I wasn't sure if something had shifted during the night or something, but it seemed as though there was more cleavage on display and a sultry look in her eyes.

Probably my imagination.

I answered the call despite feeling it was far too early in the morning for this.

"Arun?"

"Grain? Hi."

"Hello, hello. Uh, did I wake you?"

"Yeah, but that's okay. I needed to get up soon anyway."

"Oh, good. I was worried I'd have to give you an insincere apology."

I smiled at that. "Depends on what you say now."

"Well, actually, Arun, I was going to ask where the hell you were last night. Me and Amelia didn't see you at the party."

"I left at midnight... which is sort of quite late, generally speaking."

There was a pause. Then, "We arrived after midnight?" Another pause. "I didn't realise. What are you doing today? In around an hour or so?"

"I have no plans."

"Lunch? You, me and Amelia. Since we didn't see each other last night. Lunch at Jenny's."

"Two hours okay?"

"Perfect. See you in two hours."

"See you then."

I lay there for a bit because my mind began to wander again. I suddenly remembered that on the drive home, she asked when we could meet up again. Then I remembered that as she said goodbye to me, she'd squeezed my hand and smiled slightly. For some reason, the shine on her lips stood out in the moonlight and the dark red was black in places and a strange shade of purple-tinted red in others. I blinked and the memory was gone.

It had only been one day and I was already thinking about her more than I felt was right.

Ignoring the few other memories that came to mind, I got up to start getting ready. It took me a while to get ready; the pain was now shooting across my lower back every once in a while, stopping me from hurrying up. I did several stretches and got myself dressed. Just before I left I saw on my phone that Alice had sent me a text.

I felt my stomach twist a little as I opened it. I hadn't been expecting to hear from her so soon after seeing her. She'd written; Was supposed to meet my friend Elena later today. She cancelled. You free later?

I wasn't sure how to respond to that, not because I didn't know whether I was free later, but more so because I wasn't usually in the habit of meeting people on consecutive days. Technically, though, it was still the same day as the last time I saw her and with that in mind I hovered there, my thumb poised over the keypad on my phone, wondering what the hell to say to her.

I don't know. I can let you know later, if that's okay? I eventually replied.

The reply was immediate. Sure. I'm free from 4 onwards. Just feel free to call, text, etc. Talk later! x

I stretched a couple of more times to try and lessen the feeling of having a kink in my mid-right back, doing it slowly and deliberately. It helped a little. My mind was still on Alice's text. I don't know why it was. After all, it was just a request to meet up. It felt like more than that, though, but I couldn't dismiss that being my mind just making up a narrative for her actions; things like she wanted to see me because she wanted to tell me she liked me... things like that. Fantasies, really.

I shook my head at myself, looking in the mirror before I left. It wasn't as if I was that bad looking, I suppose. I'd always thought of myself as average despite Gabrielle's insistence I most definitely was not. On the whole, I'd inherited my mother's looks more than my father's. She was Pakistani and I looked it, though there was a lightness to my skin that had made most people guess at my mixed heritage. My sister, Lyssa, looked more English. I was sort of thin, black hair, dark eyes; just average, unless you believed Gabrielle.

Why was I even thinking about this? Probably because I felt like Alice was slightly out of my league. Or very much out of my league, rather.

I rolled my eyes at my reflection.

The walk to Jenny's only took around fifteen minutes and I sat and waited for Amelia and Grain to arrive. They were always a few minutes late. I'd been there so many times that all the staff knew me by name and a couple of them came up to greet me and take down an order for drinks.

I opted for a blackcurrant flavoured Ribena and started sipping through the straw while I looked around me at the other customers. Grain and Amelia arrived soon after, both apologising for being late, as they always did. They sat down, looking pretty tired. I guess they still hadn't fully recovered from the night before.

"You two got home late?" I asked.

"Late? I think the word 'early' might be a bit more appropriate," Amelia answered. "Hi, Arun."

"Hey. I'm guessing you have big appetites this morning."

Grain rubbed his eyes for a moment and picked up a menu. "I'm starving, Arun."

"The menu is in your hands."

"Yes, it is. It's the future. The future is in my hands right now." Grain then groaned as he pressed his fingertips to his forehead.

"You okay, darling?" Amelia looked sideways at him.

"I knew I was going to get hungover last night. I had the future in my hands then. Why did I still drink that much?" Grain asked, widening his eyes briefly.

"I don't know. You usually don't."

Grain crossed his arms in front of him and laid his head on them face-down. Then he said something muffled that neither Amelia or I could understand, but we took it to mean he wanted Amelia to order for him when he pushed the menu towards her.

"We invited Gabby too," Amelia told me as she looked around for Angelica, our usual waitress.

"Oh, okay."

"Ah, got her attention. She's coming over."

An amused smile appeared on Angelica's face when she saw Grain. "What's up with him?"

"He's hungover," Amelia replied.

"I've never seen him hungover before. You okay there, Grain?"

Grain raised his head to look at her, nodded and in a deadpan voice, said, "I feel absolutely fantastic. How are you?"

"Ticking along. You all want your usuals?"

"And Gabby too. She should be here in about fifteen minutes," Amelia said.

"Okay, will do. I'll get you lot your drinks too. Try not to let your head explode, Grain."

"I'll keep that in mind, thank you."

Angelica grinned as she left.

"I think you made her day," Amelia told him as she watched her leave.

Grain just responded with a smile and a shrug. I was beginning to get the feeling that something was bothering him but wasn't sure enough to bring it up. I changed my mind when I heard Amelia sigh quietly and look at Grain briefly. She was worried.

So, I asked him. By that point we had known each other long enough not to shy away from being direct.

"What's wrong, Grain? Why'd you drink so much?"

Grain smiled and sighed. "I really needed to blow off steam. I've been kinda stressed lately."

"We're worried about his grandmother," Amelia said.

"Why?"

"We're not totally sure yet, but we think she may have the beginnings of dementia," Grain said quietly. "So, we've been sort of looking up a lot of stuff and thinking about how to proceed with this. You know, ask her to get tested and stuff like that. Talk to her. Figure out treatments. Just... stuff. There's a lot to think about."

I knew he was holding back. He seemed close to emotionless and smiling a little but I could tell he was hiding his real feelings about the whole situation. That's what Grain had done for as long as I'd known him, but ever since he and Amelia had become a couple, he'd become a little more open and would even talk about his feelings occasionally.

On top of that, it had never been a secret that Grain was an orphan who'd been brought up by his grandmother since he was about nine years old. His grandmother meant more to him than I knew most people thought of their own parents.

"I'm really sorry to hear that," I said to him. It seemed inadequate but at least he could know I was thinking of him.

He smiled and shrugged. "These things happen. Hopefully it isn't what we think, but... I guess we need to make sure."

"And whatever happens, we'll figure it out together," Amelia said, reaching for his hand and squeezing it tightly.

He nodded appreciatively and when they locked eyes together, there was a brief moment where I knew they'd gone into their own little world. I wondered what that was like.

It was funny. A few years ago when some of us friends found out from him that he was with a woman about thirteen years older, we wondered if it would ever last. It seemed like such a huge age gap to us, but once we'd met her and seen how they were around each other, all doubts had evaporated. Grain had a seriousness to him that went beyond his years and it was matched by a playful streak that Amelia exhibited once in a while. Somehow, they fit.

"She seems more or less okay at the moment," Grain carried on quietly. I noticed their hands were still clasped together but both had turned their attention on me again. "We might be being paranoid, but we still have to talk to her to be sure. So, I guess that's the next step."

"Right," Amelia agreed. Then she added, "Besides, we have some other stuff that's a little more pressing right now."

Just like that, she'd drawn a line under the topic, maybe to stop him thinking about it too much.

"Oh?" I took the bait.

"We kind of had an ulterior motive for inviting you out to lunch," She said.

I looked at the two of them in turn, waiting to hear more.

"We should probably wait until Gabby gets here though," Amelia added.

"For what?"

"Well, she wants to be here when we talk about what we need to talk about with you."

"Why do I get the feeling all of you are going to lecture me on something?" I asked.

Amelia flashed a grin. "Because you're oh-so-astute, Arun!"

"Uh..."

Grain shook his head, smiling lightly. "It's not a lecture. It's just... Well, Gabby will explain when she's here. She's kind of the one who brought it up last night."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say to that. I felt a bit nervous but these were my closest friends so I knew whatever it was, they'd approach it however I found it easiest. To break the tension I was feeling, I looked at them and said, "Just so you both know, you're being irritating with all this mystery."

"It's not often we get to do that, so we're fine with that," Amelia said with ease.

"At least I'm not the only one suffering then," Grain said, sighing and rubbing his temple.

I couldn't help but smile at the grin that spread slowly across his face.

Gabrielle turned up fifteen minutes later, around the same time as Angelica was setting the food down in front of us. They greeted each other enthusiastically and when Angelica left us to it, Gabrielle turned to look at Grain and smiled widely.

"You're hungover," She announced. "I've never seen you hungover before."

"I am. Feel free to bask in the novelty of it. It's never happening again," Grain said, eyeing his food. He definitely looked wary of it.

"I will bask. But after I finish this wonderfully tasty, oily and flavour filled omelette with its fattiness and all that. The sweet fattiness."

Grain gave her a look.

"It just tastes so intense in my mouth. Explosive flavours," Gabrielle added.

Amelia giggled at this and Grain rolled his eyes. We all started eating slowly and chatting a little amongst ourselves, though Grain was noticeably quieter and more reluctant with his food. I wasn't sure how to broach the subject of what it was they wanted to talk about but I did know I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. I don't know why but I had started feeling some discomfort about it all and it had only got worse in the last few minutes.

Finally, I decided to just be blunt. "Is it okay if we talk about whatever it is you all want to talk about?" I asked, looking at each of them in turn. "About me, I mean."

They all slowed a little and glanced at each other. Then Gabrielle cleared her throat and nodded. "Yeah. That's a good idea. It's mostly me, Arun, but..." Here, she glanced at Amelia and Grain; "They kind of noticed things too."

"Things?"

"We wanted to talk to you about how you're handling things with your body and the pain," Grain said quietly.

I stared at him. I wasn't sure I'd heard him right. The Dread started creeping up in me.

"Look, please don't freak out, Arun," Gabrielle said quickly. "Just don't. It's us. We're your family."

I looked at her and nodded. I tried to ignore the Dread, but it wasn't working as well as I hoped.

"We... No, I wanted to talk to you. Grain and Amelia said it'd be better to just let you bring it up but honestly, Arun, I don't see you doing that any time soon and I feel like I have to talk to you about this before you end up fucking up any future opportunities." Gabrielle's voice sounded determined now and somehow that comforted me a little even if I was beginning to feel very exposed.

"Opportunities?" I murmured. I think I was just seizing on what she said so that she'd keep talking. It seemed far easier than over-thinking everything.

"Alice," Gabrielle said simply.

"Alice? What about her?" I asked, confused. Then, realising I was beginning to feel some kind of grip on all of this, I asked, "How did... I don't understand how..."

"How we know you're in pain half the time?" Grain asked, completing my thought for me. "Come on, Arun, give us a little more credit than that. We're your only friends. You think we didn't notice?"

"Well... I...," I didn't know what to say. Had I really been that obvious?

"It was back when you were going out with Joanna," Gabrielle said. "Before she broke up with you, she got drunk one night and said something about you hurting. She said something about how she felt like she couldn't get to... How you wouldn't get close."

"Joanna? She spoke to you?"

"Just that once. She was worried. She didn't know what to do. I said I didn't know either and I told her you wouldn't appreciate her talking about it to me."

I felt myself feeling a little out of control now.

"You remember that night I got drunk and asked you about it? But you wouldn't say much. So, I just left it at that. I didn't want to push you," Gabrielle added.

"I remember that night." I could recall it vividly. Gabrielle had been downing shots until one of our friends got her to drink half a bottle of fizzy water. Within minutes she was drunk.

For a few moments, I couldn't say anything and neither did they. Maybe Gabrielle was trying to figure out how to keep going. I'm sure she had a point she wanted to get to but I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear it. There was a small bolt of pain going back and forth across my mid back, mainly focused on the left side. I almost felt like pushing a knuckle into the area to see if it would ease it somehow but every time I had tried something like that, all I got for my efforts was an irritating disappointment at the lack of relief. Instead, I sat, staring at my food and listening to the others' cutlery occasionally hitting the plate as they ate silently, waiting. I'm not sure what for.

"We know it hurts a lot and... it stops you doing things. That's what we're trying to say, I think," Grain said eventually.

"Why now?" I asked, the question occurring to me only then. "Why are you bringing this up now?"

"Because Alice is back," Gabrielle replied.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Everything," Grain said.