Alicia Ch. 19

The next few months are difficult for me to think about, let alone write about. We got the news of Alicia's disease in mid-May. After that, we went for a round of surgery, which did some good, followed by a round of radiation therapy, which also did some good. But by the time we had started to treat the disease in earnest, the cancer had already traveled via her lymph nodes to other parts of her body. In late September, the one-year anniversary of our meeting, I found a small lump underneath Alicia's left arm when I did her breast exam. Not long afterward, I went part-time at work, and Alicia resigned. We did it so that we could be together as much as possible. She was getting steadily weaker, and it became harder and harder to get her to eat. We considered doing another round of radiation therapy, but the first (and last) round had made Alicia so weak and sick that she vowed never to have it again. We also dismissed chemo out of hand. Alicia knew that methotrexate was only of limited use, anyway.

In late September, we took careful stock of our finances and decided to move down to Sunset Beach, where we would be closer to Alicia's doctor. We sold the BMW and bought, of all things, a used pickup truck, then piled as much stuff as we could in the back, and set up shop in the same house we had rented before. We got a good deal, mainly because it was the off-season, but also because I (privately) explained that she was a cancer patient, and needed to be close to her doctor. The owner of the house, a very nice elderly man named Robinson, was a cancer survivor himself. He let us have the house for half what we had paid before.

There we stayed. I took care of Alicia as well as I could. I drove her to Myrtle Beach for her appointments, gave her her pain shots, fed her, and bathed her.

I also cried a lot, in private.

In the final months that we were together, Alicia and I enjoyed each other as much as possible. Our sex life continued much as it had before, until her surgery and radiation treatments, that is. After that, we adapted as well as we could. When she felt up to it, she continued to spank my bare ass with the hairbrush. As she was weak, it didn't hurt nearly as much as it used to, but I didn't mind.

I didn't break down in front of Alicia, after that first night, until the day came when she was too weak to lift the hairbrush. She had wanted to try, so I had gotten naked, and climbed over her lap. Once I was over, though, she said, "I'm sorry, Phillip, I can't do it. I'm just too tired."

I felt the hot sting of tears in my eyes. I tried to blink them back as I lay over her, but I couldn't. I was shaking with silent sobs. Alicia stroked my back and my butt, and said, "Oh Phillip, I'm going to miss you so."

I got up and crawled into her arms, crying silently into her breasts. My heart felt as though it would break. "What will I do, Mistress? What will I do?" I sobbed.

"You'll be fine, Phillip. You might be my slave, but you are really a strong person. Now, stop crying, or somehow I'll summon enough strength to spank your ass good and hard."

I looked up at her and said, "Do you promise?"

She smiled and patted my cheek, and I managed to laugh a little, despite the hurt that I felt.

"I don't think I could have wished for a better wife and Mistress than you."

"I've felt happier and more loved over the past year than I've felt in my entire life. You have been a perfect husband and slave. I'm so glad that you asked me out that first time."

"Well, I had to think pretty hard about it, and really gather my courage, but it certainly paid off."

"Yes it did, husband."

Doctor Sandifer held off admitting her to the hospital until I could no longer care for her or manage her pain at the house.

Peggy Sandifer was a tall, slender blonde about the same age as Alicia. She had soft brown eyes that had already seen too much suffering. I had liked her as soon as I had met her, and we had seen eye-to-eye on Alicia's treatment. On Alicia's last hospital admission, Doctor Sandifer came to me and said, "Well, we can try a round of methotrexate, or just put her on a morphine drip and treat her pain."

"No chemo. We'll just do the morphine. I'd like to stay with her as long as I can."

"Phil, you can move into the room if you want to. Now, go be with her. I'll start the IV in a little while."

"Thanks, doctor."

She was asleep when I got there, so I pulled up a chair and sat down beside the bed. I was reading a book when I heard, softly, "Hi."

She had awakened. I reached over and took her hand. It was a little cold. I chafed it, and blew on it, to warm it up. "How do you feel?" was all I could manage.

"Not too bad."

"Are you hurting?"

"Not really. Have you seen Peggy?"

"Yes. She's coming soon to start a morphine drip."

"Just enough to kill the pain. I don't want to be knocked out."

"I'll tell her," I said.

"Okay. Stay with me?"

"I'm not going anywhere, Mistress."

"Okay." She closed her eyes. I thought she had gone to sleep, but she opened them a little while later. "Phillip?"

"I'm here."

"Do you know why I made you entertain Kathy that weekend?"

"Because she was lonely after breaking up with Twyla."

"Yes, that was part of it. But that wasn't the only reason. I..."

The door opened, and Doctor Sandifer came in. She smiled at Alicia and said, "Hey, girlfriend. How are you feeling?"

"Not too bad," Alicia replied.

"How's your pain?"

"It's not bad right now."

"Did Phil get you to eat anything?"

"Not yet," I said. "We'll try some of my soup later. She really likes that."

Peggy said, "Yeah, I heard that homemade soup of yours is delicious." She leaned down close to Alicia and said, "Promise me, girlfriend, that you'll try to eat something."

Alicia smiled weakly and said, "I promise."

Then, Doctor Sandifer straightened up and became all business. She went to the door and called a nurse in. I stepped away while she quickly and efficiently inserted an IV in the back of Alicia's left hand, and hung a bag of morphine. "Just enough to kill the pain, Peggy," Alicia said.

"Okay," Peggy replied.

After they left, I sat back down beside the bed. "Now, what were you saying about Kathy?" I asked.

"I want you to try being with Kathy," she said.

"I don't want to think about that right now, Mistress," I said.

"I think she may be right for you, especially after what you told me happened between her and Twyla."

I started to tell her that, if anything, Kathy was the opposite of what I needed. I didn't want to do the spanking, I wanted to be spanked. Kathy had made it clear that night that she wanted me to do the spanking.

But of course, I didn't tell Alicia that. Instead, I said, "Mistress, I will do what you wish. I will try being with Kathy."

"Promise me," she said.

"I promise."

She nodded, closed her eyes, and went to sleep for a while.

That night, I called Kathy at home, and told her that we had just admitted Alicia to the hospital for probably the last time. She said she would take off and come to visit.

I stayed the rest of the night, sleeping in the chair beside her bed. When morning came, I made sure that she was comfortable and cared for, and drove to the beach house. Kathy's car was parked in front. We had given her a key several weeks before so that she could get in if needed.

I walked in. Apparently, she was still asleep, but came out soon after I started puttering around in the kitchen. "Well, how is she?" she asked.

"She's comfortable, that's about all I can say."

Kathy came to me and put her arms around me. We cried together for several minutes. I composed myself and made coffee. We had breakfast together, not saying much. We both took showers, put on clean clothes, and then I drove her to the hospital to visit.

When we got to the hospital, Kathy went straight to Alicia's room, and I went to talk to the doctor. There was essentially no change from that morning, so I went on over to the room. Alicia and Kathy had their heads together when I entered. Alicia was sitting up, and she smiled at me. So did Kathy. I went over and kissed my wife and asked, "What? What are you two up to?"

"None of your business," Alicia said.

"Yeah, none of your business," Kathy said, winking at me.

I had brought a thermos of my soup, and some of the crusty bread that Alicia liked so much. Together, Kathy and I got her to eat almost a whole bowl, along with a piece of the bread with a little butter on it. Afterward, Alicia leaned back in the bed with a sigh and said, "I'm tired now, guys. I think I'll sleep for a while."

Kathy said, "I'll wait outside." She got up and left after giving Alicia a kiss on the cheek.

When we were alone, I asked, "Do you need anything?"

"No, love. I'll all right. The painkiller is working, and the soup was good. I just want to rest for a while."

"Were you and Kathy talking about what I think you were?"

She smiled wanly at me and said, "We might have been. Give her a chance, okay?"

"I will, I promise."

I kissed her on the lips. "I love you so much. You will always be my Mistress," I whispered into her ear. She reached up and caressed my face.

I left the room. Kathy was waiting outside in the hall. "Is she sleeping?" she asked.

"Yeah. Let's go get something to eat," I said.

We went to a nearby "family" restaurant, probably built there to serve the hospital visitors. We didn't say much during our meal, and we didn't discuss the promise I had made to Alicia.

Kathy and I went back later that afternoon, and spent the evening with Alicia. She was in good spirits, though weak, and we had a good visit. Then, we drove back to Sunset Beach.

It was late March, and mine and Alicia's first anniversary was only a few days away. The wind was cold and brisk, the same as it had been when we had spent our honeymoon there the year before. Kathy and I bundled up in our coats, and took a walk out on the old pier. There was a nearly full moon high in the sky, and it shone its cold light on the ocean. We stayed there for a while, not talking, our arms around each other, then walked back to the house.

The next morning, Kathy and I were awakened to the sound of the phone ringing. Dread seized my heart as I picked it up. It was Doctor Sandifer. "She's slipped into unconsciousness," she said. "I thought you might want to come."

"I'll be right there," I said.

I hung up the phone and turned to Kathy, who was standing beside me. "We've got to go to the hospital," I said.

"Is she gone?" she asked, going pale.

"No. But it probably won't be long."

I'm very surprised that I didn't get a speeding ticket on my way back to the hospital, but I didn't. I guess the fates were with us, because Kathy and I made it there in record time. We talked briefly to Doctor Sandifer outside Alicia's room.

"We couldn't arouse her this morning. Her respirations are gradually slowing, and so is her pulse and blood pressure. I don't think it will be long."

I felt the tears come and start spilling over onto my cheek. I looked at Kathy, and saw that she was crying, also. We went in.

Alicia's nurses had done a splendid job with her. She was clean, her hair was brushed, she had clean linen on her bed. She had on a nasal oxygen cannula to ease her breathing. The hand with the IV was bandaged neatly. I thought, this is how we wanted it to happen. I went to one side, Kathy to the other. I kissed her lips, and Kathy kissed her cheek. Alicia was breathing slowly and shallowly, but regularly. I whispered into her ear, "I'm here, darling. I'm here. I love you, Alicia." Tears were running down my face and wetting her cheek. All I could think of to say was, "I'm here, darling. Don't be afraid. I'm here. I love you."

Kathy broke down and began sobbing. She sat down on the chair and buried her face in her hands.

That was at nine-thirty in the morning. My Mistress lasted another three hours. At twelve-thirty that afternoon, six days before our first wedding anniversary, she took a deep, final breath and died.