All I Ever Wanted Ch. 03

Sai leaned in and hugged him again, brushing his cheek with her lips, her way of telling him it was over now, no forgiveness needed. Grandpa twinkled at her, chucked her gently under the chin, and turned away to dab at his eyes.

We left him sitting in his old chair, staring across the meadow towards the old pond, smiling as he looked back over 60 years. When we came back into the sitting room dad was waiting for us.

"Look Harry, there's nothing more to be done now, we can't have the funeral until the Coroner has the pathologist's report, all that we can do is being done, and a funeral home from Wolverhampton is dealing with the interment. It won't be soon, because mum wasn't under the care of a doctor, so passing away suddenly like that means a post-mortem. She had a plot at St. Michael's in Upton Cresset, it's where she was baptised, all her family's buried there, so everything's in place now. Why don't you two go home, I'll stay with dad tonight, and you can make an early start back tomorrow? Sai, stay with Harry for now, I really shouldn't have dragged you kids up here just to send you home again, I wasn't thinking, but I really don't want you in the middle of all this just now, so please just make yourself scarce, OK? Time enough to mourn later, I just want to get dad through this first."

Unseen by dad, Sai twined her fingers in mine, comforting me in the face of all the preparations for the funeral. I was grateful to dad; I really needed to get out of there. The sense of Gran's presence was everywhere, her life imprinted in the house, all her familiar things waiting for her, and it was extremely unsettling for me to realise that they were all just things now; she would never dust them or polish them, or straighten them up ever again. Sai saw the look on my face, saw my eyes filling up again, and almost tugged me out of there, leaving dad to go and sit with his father and try and get past the first shock of their loss.

We drove the 9 miles back to Cosford in silence, too much to say and no way to say it. Arriving back at the house was strange, I'd only picked Sai Fong up a few days ago, but it already seemed like an impossibly long time ago. I was too emotionally wrung to eat anything, so Sai tipped a frozen pizza in the oven and pulled me down to her, holding me close and being warm and human, two things she excelled at.

We sat there in silence for ages. I was lost in my memories, memories of Gran helping me with my homework, playing toy soldiers with me while Grandpa weeded his beloved onion-beds, helping her change the bedding, reading 'The Wind in The Willows' to me at night, putting me in bed with her when thunderstorms banged and rattled the house, making me hot soup when I came in from building snowmen and making snow-angels with Grandpa. Now the tears came again, Sai holding me close and letting me cry, until I fell asleep, worn out and emotionally battered.

I woke when Sai kissed me gently. "Bedtime, Harry, come on, upsy-daisy Big Boy, up the wooden hill, come on, that's right!" I cocked a bleary eye at her.

"I am not 4 years old, Sai; please don't talk to me like I am!"

Sai grinned, and stuck her tongue out. "If you're awake, have something to eat. If you're beat, go to bed. Don't snooze on the couch, it makes you snore, and I'm trying to watch television, I can't hear for you snoring, you sound like a bag of spanners in a washing machine!"

"I do not snore!" I averred, looking daggers at her when she gave me her patented Sai Fong Knowing Grin. The sheer normality of our low-key bickering helped me to shed some of the melancholy.

I could smell something delicious, and spotted half a pizza in a box. "I thought you heated one up?" I said.

"I did, it was disgusting, so I ordered-in. That noise you can hear is all the local vermin gagging on that repulsive thing I threw away, even the house rats are all doing a kamikaze down the waste disposal rather than bite into it!"

I had to grin at her graphic description of some of the stuff dad buys when she's not there to pick them out of the trolley and put them back on the shelf, and picked up a slice, a typical Sai Fong choice, every known topping except possibly strawberry jam, but it was hot, and tasted wonderful.

Eating finally restored me, and even though I was in no sense happy, I was no longer crippled with grief, and once able to relate to Sai Fong again, able to hold her and thank her for being normal and restoring me. I took her hand, and kissed her palm, each one of her fingertips, and pulled her in close for a proper kiss, thanking her for being there when I needed her most.

"Now what, Harry?" she asked me seriously, "what happens next? Now that Grandpa knows, how likely is he to let slip to dad?"

The last thing I was worried about was Grandpa dropping us in it. I was more concerned about the fact that we'd given ourselves away so easily, what with Sai forgetting to remove her ring, and me caressing her, completely oblivious to where we were. I had already resolved to tell dad, but the way we wanted, not by letting him catch-on because of some bloody silly mistake.

"Grandpa won't say anything, or even drop a hint; he told us to tell dad later, so he won't do or say anything, I know that. Relax, baby, we've got time enough to tell him."

"Have you finished yet?" asked Sai, pointing to the pizza, "because I want to go to bed! Come on Harry, I'm bushed, and It's a long drive in the morning, so let's go!"

I was halfway up the stairs before I stopped to wonder where we were going.

"Uh, Sai, what are we doing?" I asked, and Sai just looked pityingly at me.

"We are going to bed -- my bed, as you're asking, so just move it along there, bucky, I need some sleep, just sleep, I'm bushed and so are you, so when you're ready...?"

"Sai, what are you talking about," I asked, "Dad's only down the road!"

"And he's staying there tonight, Baby, and you're staying with me, that's all; you need me tonight; just what kind of fiancée would I be if I left my baby out in the cold when he needed me the most? Now shut your trap, Harry Waterfield, and let's go!"

More than slightly bemused, I tried one last fall-back.

"Uh, Sai, I don't really want to...you know, tonight, it's really not a good time, well you know that...." I trailed of as I saw Sai Fong's very own, patented 'what kind of fuckwit are you?' expression.

"Well Thank You Harry, thank you for believing I'm slack enough to decoy you into bed at a time like this, thank you so very much indeed! FUCK OFF!" And she stormed off up the stairs, leaving me feeling foolish and embarrassed.

Well done, Harry, I congratulated myself, that went well, although it could have gone worse, you could have slapped her as well, that would have REALLY put the tin-lid on the whole fucking day. Smart move, you jackass.

I eased up outside her door, and tapped lightly, no reply, so I tapped again. "Sai, I'm sorry, I misunderstood what you were saying, I'm sorry, baby, please, say something!"

I heard faint sounds from behind the door, and tapped again. "Please Sai, I'm sorry! Look, I know I'm an idiot, OK? I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, please, let's not fight, not now, not tonight. Sai, I need you, please don't be mad!"

Her door yanked open, and there she stood, clad in terry pyjamas, looking adorable, but with a face like thunder, obviously still furious.

"Harry, you are an arsehole, what are you? How dare you believe I would stoop so low; I saw you were in pain, I wanted to hold you, make the pain go away, just hold you, that's all, and you had to go and make it look like some...ploy, to get you into the sack, to make me feel cheap and nasty! Come in here, I want to tell you something!"

I stepped into her bedroom, turned and shut the door behind me, and as I turned back, got a stinging slap across my face. It shocked me more than anything else, but for a second I saw stars.

Sai stood there, wringing her hand, obviously more affected than I was, tears on her cheeks, and I suddenly realised just how angry she really was, how much I'd offended her and hurt her feelings.

"Sai, I'm so sorry, I wasn't thinking, please forgive me, I'll never take you for granted again, I promise!"

Sai looked at me, her lip trembling, face flushed, checking out my face again, looking for the little tells, checking to see if I was being sincere, then nodded. She turned away, padding back to her bed, saying "go to bed, Harry!" She pulled back the covers and climbed in, lying down and turning away from me, dismissing me. I turned and slunk out of her room, barely hearing the whispered "Good Night, Harry!"

I went back to my old room, stripped-off and climbed into bed. I was beat, and the added stress of our fight had drained me even further. I lay for a while, thinking of Sai Fong alone in her room, hurt and angry at me, with good reason, thoughts of Gran and memories of my childhood tumbling around in my head, regretting the last few years, the gulf between us that had grown wider every year.

I fell asleep to dream of Gran walking me to school, collecting me in the late afternoon and taking my school bag so I could run ahead and wait for her at the top of the road, then my dream switching to going into Birmingham on the train with her, first stop the golden arches in New Street station, then shopping with her, holding her hand and tugging her along New Street and into Broad Street, staring at the window displays of the sweetshops and chocolatiers, watching the street entertainers. I lost hold of her hand, and she was gone. I spun round, Broad Street was empty, and Gran was nowhere in sight; I was alone, Gran had left me alone, and there was no-one to ask where she'd gone. I ran up Broad Street, calling out for her, crying, frightened and panicking, and suddenly she was there, hugging me, only now it was Sai, whispering and soothing me. I flicked my eyes open, and there was Sai Fong, holding me close against her, wiping my wet cheeks as I cried for Gran, calming me down as I struggled to separate dream from reality.

"Sshhh, Harry, you were having a nightmare, but it's alright, I'm here now" she murmured, smoothing my hair. Reality asserted itself, and I was 20 again, not 6 years old, the familiar surroundings coming into focus. I held Sai close, the dream-memories of Gran were still too real to let go, hoping for a second that this was the dream and I'd wake up and she'd still be there, and slowly accepting that it was not to be.

I looked up at Sai, her lovely features fixed in an expression of worried concern.

"This is why you needed me tonight, baby," she whispered, "I heard you shouting all the way down there, you sounded terrified; do you want to tell me about it?"

I wanted to, but the words couldn't get past the huge lump in my throat, and I shook my head mutely. Sai nodded.

"We'll talk in the morning. Go back to sleep now, don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

Sai continued stroking my hair, a restful, comforting feeling, and I must have fallen asleep with her doing that, because the next thing I knew was Sai kissing me as she got up, sunlight streaming through the bedroom window.

She left the room and I heard her walking down the stairs, faint domestic noises from the kitchen, then footsteps coming back up again. Sai edged into the room with a tray with toast, butter, Seville marmalade, and two cups of coffee.

"Come on Harry, pitch-in, it's getting cold!" she smiled, sitting down cross-legged on the bed and buttering a slice of toast.

We ate in silence, no need for conversation just yet, mulling over the previous evening.

I looked at Sai and she smiled back, good, we weren't at war any more, and held my hand out to her. Sai moved the tray over to the dresser and slid onto the bed next to me, resting her head against my shoulder, putting her arm through mine and patting me affectionately.

"So Harry, do you want to tell me about it?" she asked, "It must have been a really terrible nightmare, I've never heard of you having one before. I know you were dreaming about Gran, so talk to me."

I was still a little reluctant to go back there, the remembered feeling from last night was still too strong, but I owed her that much, at least.

"I dreamt I was out with Gran, shopping in Birmingham, and I let go her hand, and then she was gone, and I got really frightened, and the whole town centre was deserted...." I could feel the tears trying to come back, the memory of the dream echoing and resonating in my mind, and had to swallow several times.

"Then she was there, and then it was you, and I thought you were the dream and Gran was waking me up, God, it was so real, I so wanted it to be real!"

Sai stroked my hair, looking pensive, almost upset, tears glimmering in her eyes.

"I know what you mean, Harry; when my Ah-Ma, mummy, died, I had the same dreams, losing her and finding her again, and then finding her gone for real. Back home they call it 'Shi ji'e Jing shen' when you dream yourself into the spirit world, where the ancestors wait for you. It's a good dream to have; it means they're showing you they're still here, just not...here. Can you understand what I mean?"

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, smiling brightly at me.

I did, and looked at Sai with new respect; of course, she'd been here as well, she'd had to do this, and now more than ever, I understood how much I needed her with me.

"Sai, I was a crass, boorish, bloody idiot last night, I was so wrong to assume that you wanted to...you know, and I'm sorry, I should have known better. Can you forgive me?"

She grinned her usual, slightly cheeky grin.

"Of course, Harry, just don't ever make assumptions like that about me again. There's more to me than just appetites, you know!"

I had definitely come to understand that.

"I know," I said, "you've got a tasty right hook, for a start!"

Sai immediately looked contrite, quickly examining my face for marks or signs where she'd belted me one. I didn't have the heart to tell her that, compared to what happened on the rugby pitch in the normal course of a game, what she'd hung on me was barely a love-tap, so I tried to look as though I was being manly and hiding my suffering. Eventually she figured it out, thumping me on the chest, and we were alright again.

It was enjoyable to lay back and hold her to me for a while, but we had to be getting back to London; I had work, and Sai was staying with me now until at least the funeral, which could be several weeks away, due to the circumstances of Gran's death; according to what dad had told Sai, Gran had sat down to watch TV after making tea, dozed off, and when Grandpa tried to wake her, she'd gone, just like that.

I called dad, and told him we'd stop by on our way back, and checked to see how Grandpa was doing. Dad said he seemed fine, sad, but not sunk in the depths of despair or anything like that, more resigned and accepting than anything else.

Some of the neighbourhood ladies had been in again, and made them breakfast, which seemed to amuse dad in a wistful sort of way; he'd forgotten how small towns and villages worked in times of bereavement. Gran had been part of community life for decades, so she had tendrils and connections all over town. All the ladies from the local branch of the Women's Institute, the dreaded WI, what Grandpa used to call 'that bunch of harpies' had been in and out, dropping off cakes, buns, quiches and pies.

"I don't know who's going to eat them all, you'd better take some with you!" said dad. He'd tried to slip me some money last night to cover the additional expense of having Sai with me, but I declined, I was earning some good money from the university loan-out programme right now; Sai showed no such compunction, however...

Once I hung up I felt a lot better knowing that dad and Grandpa were handling it well, better than me, anyway. As I lay back, daydreaming about Gran, Sai came back in the room, stripped off her pyjamas to take a shower, and began rummaging in my linen closet for a bath towel. The sight of her lithe, sexy body did strange things to me. Grief-stricken as I was, her beautiful, desirable body was a very human reminder of the life around us still, that we were still alive, and I realised that, despite the present circumstances, I wanted, I needed her badly right now.

"Sai, can you come over here please?" I asked her, and she cocked her head toward me, a quizzical expression on her face. "Sure thing baby, something up?" she asked, completely oblivious to her nude state.

"I want to apologise again, and I want to hold you for a while, is that alright with you?" I told her, and she smiled back, a knowing expression flitting across her face.

"Harry, I always want you to hold me, and you've already apologised enough, just hold me so I can make you feel better for a while!"

She slid into bed next to me, sliding her arm around my waist, pulling me down to cradle my head against her.

"I know you're hurting now, baby, but I promise you, it gets better. The pain will go away, I promise you, and only the memories will be left. It did for me, it will for you."

She kissed me on my cheek, her lips soft and warm, and I turned and kissed her on her lips, feeling her kiss me back, her arms wrapping around my neck to pull me in close.

We slid down the bed, hands caressing and holding, touching and squeezing as we kissed. Sai reached out and took my rapidly hardening cock as my fingers trailed down her flat abdomen to her silky pubic hair, ruffling my fingertips through the silken gloss of them before seeking out her moistness, and sliding up and down her labial crease. Sai moaned and shifted, her body responding to the feel of my fingers as I slid one inside her moist warmth, rubbing the hood of her clitoris.

Sai groaned as my stimulation of her ramped up a notch. Her hand began to pump my cock, flexing and squeezing as she did so, my finger pumping into her in time to her pumping of me. Now her eyes opened, and she looked up at me, telling me what she wanted me to do, and I slid between her parted thighs, raised up so she could position me, and slowly pushed in, sliding my cock into her in one slow thrust, backing out and thrusting again, and again, building up a rhythm.

She pumped her hips against mine, meeting me thrust for thrust, grinding herself against me with every thrust, pulling me into her with her strong legs, her kisses hot and fervent, until at last she climaxed, wailing out loud as she came, the contractions in her vaginal tube milking me of every drop of my sperm as I shot rope after rope of spunk into her.

Finally we were done, that unique sadness that came with the aftermath of lovemaking infusing me as I fell back to the bed, lying next to her as she huddled against me, her heartbeat loud and fast. We said nothing to each other, there was no need; our love for each other was conversation enough for now.

We stopped in to see Grandpa and dad, commiserating some more, making tentative arrangements for how to deal with the funeral once the Coroner had adjourned the inquest, then sped off back to London. I was driving this time, Sai was really shattered from her emotional storm last night, then watching over me all night long, so I left her to snooze while I piloted the Cherokee back to London, with a picnic hamper in the back stuffed with Sai's pick of the WI cakes and biscuits...

We arrived back at the flat mid-afternoon, lugged our stuff back upstairs, and called it a day. I quickly phoned Professor Dickson's office to let him know where I'd been, and collapsed into bed, completely worn-out. The last thing I remember was Sai mumbling in her sleep, turning over and burrowing down against me, her warmth and slow deep breathing quickly sending me off.