Always in My Life Ch. 01

I would like to thank Kayli1001 for taking the time to edit this story.

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Always in My Life Ch. 1

His smile was so gorgeous. I think I fell in love with his smile before I fell in love with him, although I can't say for sure because I have known Spencer my whole life, it's just that it took me nearly two decades to realize I was completely in love with him. He was my best friend. I spent every spare minute with him, hanging out. He had this amazing ability to make me laugh even when I was angry at him. He didn't feel the same way about me as I did him. At least it never seemed to be the case. We had never talked about being more than friends but he never flirted with me or let on that he found me attractive so I was resigned to unrequited love.

I walked from the supermarket to Spencer's place. It was a cold winter's Saturday night in Melbourne. The wind was icy and blew straight through my jacket making me shiver. Neither of us had felt like going out so we agreed to have a movie night at his place instead. His house mate, Jack, answered the door and informed me Spencer was in his room. I figured since some of Jack's friends were on the couch watching the footy, Spencer and I would be watching the movies in his room. I walked straight through the house to his room. I tossed the bag of snacks on his desk and then flopped on the bed next to him. "So we are banished to the bedroom once again," I said and looked over at him. He was so handsome. Light brown hair that always looked adorably ruffled like he never bothered to brush it. He had amazing hazel eyes that I loved to look at. Spencer was tall, easily six foot, and he was lean and toned. Years of playing every sport possible at school and while at uni had left him with an amazing body.

"Footy trumps movie night every time," he replied with a smile, putting his book down on the bedside table.

"So what are we watching tonight?"

"I thought we would start with a classic," he said, still smiling and held up a copy of Silence of the Lambs.

"Nice, I love this movie"

"Seriously, Edie, I know you better than anyone. I knew that," he continued, chuckling. It was true. Spencer knew just about everything about me. There were few secrets I kept from him. One of them was my being desperately in love with him. The other was why I hadn't had a boyfriend since I was eighteen. But that was something I hadn't shared with anyone.

"Right," I smiled at him. God, how much I loved his smile. His eyes always sparkled when he smiled. It made him look carefree and unbreakable.

"Let's get this movie night started then, shall we?" he said as he got out of bed. He was already wearing his pajamas. Well, if you call fleece trackies and old t-shirt pajamas. I on the other hand was in jeans and wore several layers under my jacket, which I had yet to take off, mainly because Spencer's house was so cold. They only had heating in the main living room and since it was an old house it was pretty drafty. No wonder Spencer had like three quilts on his bed. God I wished he would just fork out some money for a portable heater for his room, specifically for nights like this. That way I wouldn't have to wear so many layers.

He got the DVD set up and on his way back to bed grabbed the bag of junk food I had bought. As he got back under the covers, he dumped it on the bed between us. I sat up and rested my back against the headboard. He opened a packet of lollies and offered them to me before digging in himself. Always the gentleman, I thought. We both settled down and started watching the movie.

"It's pretty cold tonight, Edie. Why don't you get under the blankets," he offered, about ten minutes into the movie.

"I didn't bring any other clothes and you know how I hate wearing my clothes in bed," I replied casually, without looking away from the movie. "I'll be fine."

"No you won't. I give it another fifteen minutes before you are shivering. Even I can feel the cold draft tonight. Just get under the covers."

"No, I don't want my clothes to get all wrinkly and that laid-in and slept-in look. I know some people love that grungy look but I hate it," I replied sharply. Besides I hated lying around in my clothes. It made me feel like a bum. That and I was a perfectionist, always having to look my best. Which to me wasn't really that special anyway. I was average height with average curves. I had blonde hair but then so did about a third of the population. The only thing I found exceptional about myself were my eyes. They were a grey-blue, closer to blue but not quite completely.

"Solution!" Spencer said after a few minutes consideration. I thought he had given up on it and was refocused on the movie and Hannibal Lecter. I looked at him sharply, letting him know I wasn't pleased with his constant interruptions. It was my favourite movie after all. "Just take you clothes off."

"What?!" I think my mouth gaped. I was definitely shocked by that invitation. Even my heart was pounding at the suggestion of stripping in front of Spencer. "No way!"

"Settle down" he replied with a chuckle. "I didn't get me naked. I am almost positive you have a singlet on under your many layers. So just strip off your jeans and first few layers." He said it as if were the most casual thing in the world for me to strip down to my undies in front of him.

"Contrary to what you may believe, Spencer, I do not just strip down to my underwear in front of people. I will stay as I am," I replied harshly. As if I would let him see me like that. As if I would let anyone see me like that.

"Eed, it's me. Come on, you're being silly."

"No, Spencer."

"Ah, I see, you're modest," he said, as though it were an epiphany. "Okay, here's the deal. I will face away from you while you strip and get under the covers. I won't even see anything."

"It's not just that, Spence. I'm not comfortable with it," I replied. "Why are you pushing so hard?"

"Because I know you're going to get cold out there. Look, you're already cold, you haven't even taken you jacket off and you have a jumper on under that and, knowing you, god knows how many other layers."

"Three," I replied with a smile. He laughed at that and it was beautiful. I loved that sound more than I loved my favourite song. It was deep and smooth. "Fine, but please don't look," I relented.

"Okay, tell me when you're covered again," he replied triumphantly, and rolled to his side so he could no longer see me.

I took off my jeans, jacket, jumper and t-shirt and set them neatly on the back of his desk chair so that they wouldn't get creased. I had been watching Spencer the whole time to make sure he didn't look. I had never voluntarily exposed so much of my body to a guy before and I didn't want Spencer to be the first. Well, not in this particular situation anyway. If he were to see me in my underwear, I hoped it would be because he was returning my love and slowly stripping me before making slow gentle love with me. Yeah, right, as if that was going to happen in this life time. Spencer barely noticed I was a girl half the time.

I quickly slipped under the covers and settled into the bed as far away from Spencer's body as possible. Although he was my best friend and I trusted him completely, I was damaged. Being in my underwear with any man, even Spencer, made me feel extremely uncomfortable and exposed. I would often hug Spencer or cuddle up with him while we watched movies, but those times I was fully clothed. That wouldn't be happening tonight and I hoped he wouldn't try because then I would have to explain as to why I hated the touch of any man.

"Can I turn around now?" Spencer asked once I was under the covers.

"Yes," I replied softly.

"Want some chocolate?" he asked when he rolled back over. He broke off some chocolate and gave some to me without waiting for my reply. "Warmer now?" he asked as he settled back down beside me.

"Yes," I replied. I was feeling incredibly uncomfortable. I could feel Spencer's body heat next to me. He was too close. At least there was something between us to protect me before. Now there was nothing.

"You all right, Edie?" Spencer asked with concern.

"I'm fine Spencer. Can we just watch the movie please?" I snapped and tried to focus on the movie but all I could focus on was how close Spencer was to me. Usually being this close wouldn't bother me so much, but tonight there were no clothes to protect me. I was too vulnerable and it scared me.

As the movie continued, we watched in silence, eating the snacks until we had a stomach ache and Spencer put them on the floor to take away the temptation. Thankfully Spencer seemed to understand that I wanted to keep a distance between us. Once again we settled down to watch the movie.

I started to get really comfortable and cozy in Spencer's bed. I could smell him on the sheets and quilts. He had an amazing smell that would instantly comfort me. Eventually my eyes started to get heavy and I drifted off to sleep.

*************

"Edie!" I heard Spencer say just before I felt his hand on my thigh. My eyes shot open and I saw he was leaning over me, his hand on my leg. I panicked like I never thought I would with Spencer. But he was looming over me. He was too close!

"Get the fuck off me!" I snapped as I bolted upright. He looked at me with confusion, shock and concern in his eyes, but his hand didn't move. I think he was just in too much shock trying to figure why I was reacting like that. "Get off me!" I insisted and pushed his hand away from me.

"Edie?" he asked as I got out of his bed. "Edie?" he repeated and grabbed my wrist.

"Don't fucken touch me, Spencer!" I cried. I knew he wouldn't hurt me and I was acting like a crazy person but he touched me too intimately. It had brought back the memories of that night when I was eighteen. The night my boyfriend forced me. The night he raped me. "Please, Spencer, just let me go," I pleaded, crying as I tried to pull away so I could get my clothes to get dressed and run.

"Edie? What's wrong?" he asked as he released my arm and got out of bed to stand in front of me. I never realized how much taller and broader he was. At that moment his size was threatening and I didn't like it. I stepped back away from him but backed into his dresser. "Why are you crying?" he asked softly reaching out to me, but I flinched and cowered away from him. He looked so confused. I didn't realize until then that I was crying so hard my chest hurt. I was barely breathing between sobs. "Why are you freaking out?"

"Why did you have to push me?" I cried at him. "Why did you have to touch me?"

"What? Edie, you have to tell me what's wrong," he pleaded with me, but this time he didn't take a step towards me. He didn't reach out to me. He just stood towering over me.

"I want to go home," I whispered and let my gaze drop to the floor. "Please, Spencer?" I pleaded softly and pushed past him to get to my clothes.

"Edie, did someone hurt you?" he asked as I pulled on my jeans. I didn't say anything. My back was to him. I didn't want him to know my shame. "Edie, talk to me. Please!" he pleaded. "Please!" I turned and looked at him. His eyes were glazed with unshed tears. I had never seen him cry. My reaction was hurting him too.

"No," I replied softly, and then continued getting dressed.

"Tell me what I did wrong. Tell why you are so upset. Tell me what happened to you." He was pleading with me.

"I don't want to talk about it, Spencer," I replied, putting on my jacket and slipping my shoes on at the same time.

"Please tell me, Edie. I need to know how I hurt you."

"I said I don't want to talk about it, Spencer. Just drop it!" I shouted and then walked out of his room.

"No!" he called after me. As I walked through the lounge I saw everyone turn and stare at me. "I need to know."

"No you don't," I called back to him as I reached the door.

"Please, Edie. Talk to me."

"I'm sorry," I said softly, turning to look at him once more before leaving.

"Trouble in paradise?" I heard Jack tease as I closed the door.

"Shut the fuck up," Spencer snapped just before the door clicked shut.

The night was cold and very dark. I couldn't see the moon and it only added to my fears for the night.

I cried softly the whole walk home; I was cold, scared and all alone, fighting memories that had given me nightmares for years. I hated myself for treating Spencer the way that I did but I was mad at him for forcing me out of my comfort zone and then touching me.

I hadn't let any guy touch me since I was eighteen and that night with Tommy Hassel. It was too painful. I was too dirty.

By the time I got back to my apartment Spencer had called me about three times on my mobile and twice on the home phone. I didn't answer any of his calls or listen to any of his messages. Instead I changed into a pair of pj bottoms and a t-shirt before curling up in bed and crying myself to sleep, trying to fight all the painful memories that Spencer's seemingly innocent touch brought back.

I woke up about two after a vivid nightmare. I was just lying staring at the ceiling, wondering if I should go and watch TV to distract myself for a few hours when I got another text message. I knew it was Spencer and I felt alone enough to want to talk to him, so I opened and read the message.

"Please just tell me you got home safely. I'm really worried."

I closed my phone and slumped back in bed. Even after I spoke to him like I had, he was still worried. I wanted to hear his voice; I needed to talk to him.

I picked up my phone and dialed his number.

"Hi," I said softly. My voice was hoarse from all the crying I had done.

"Edie, are you okay?" he asked.

"No," I replied and started to cry softly again. "But it was nothing you did." I continued.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not over the phone," I replied softly. "I'm sorry I freaked, Spencer."

"I'm sorry I pushed you so hard to talk."

"Can you come over?" I asked, realizing I didn't want to be alone anymore. "Please?" I continued when he hesitated.

"Sure, I am already walking out the door."

"Thank you."