Amazing Grace Ch. 05-07

"Grace, stop. I'll get them off."

What the fuck is he talking about? I can't breathe.

Ethan moved to me and unbuckled the cuffs that I was clawing at. I'd scratched my arms in a panic.

Dirty. Shower.

I fled to the master bathroom with Ethan on my heels. I turned on the hot water and was about to step in when I was abruptly yanked backward. Ethan leaned around me and added cold water, then pulled me into the shower with him.

No, no, no, no, no! You don't want me. Leave me alone.

I tried to push him out, but he was stronger than me. And bigger. He wrapped his arms around me and held me still.

And then the tears came. A full rush. Wracking, gut-wrenching sobs. I was sure they would never stop.

When the water started to run cool, Ethan shut it off. The only sound left was my soft hiccups and sniffles. I shivered in his arms and he opened the shower door to wrap me in a towel. He kept at least one arm around me at all times, making it difficult to dry himself. All the while, never saying a word. No questions. No attempt to comfort what he didn't understand. What he couldn't possibly understand because I didn't even understand it.

He walked me to his chest of drawers and pulled one of his tee shirts out and over my head. I dropped the wet towel to the floor. His shirt wore like a dress on me, draping to mid-thigh.

Ethan managed to dress himself while still holding onto me. I didn't watch how he did it, I was still dazed from my episode. At that point, I was sure that things were over between us. I'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it sure as hell just did. Hard.

The thing was, I didn't feel bad about it. I just wanted to crawl back into my safe life again. Where I knew no one could hurt me.

Ethan pulled me onto his lap. I hadn't even noticed that he'd walked me to a chair in the corner of his bedroom.

I finally found my voice. "I should get going."

"Why?"

"You don't need this kind of hassle."

"I think I'll judge what I need and don't need. Is that the only reason why you want to leave?"

"I've made a complete ass of myself."

"How? By having a little breakdown? So, what."

I shook my head and sighed.

"Have you really thought all along that you'd just waltz through all this? That you would submit to my will and it would be easy as pie? Just like that?"

"I didn't think this would happen."

"We can't ever know what's going to happen when we open ourselves up."

"I panicked."

"Yes."

I turned my head to check his expression. He was calm and relaxed. "Is this normal?"

"Shit, I have no clue what that word means anymore. Is there such a thing? Because if there is, I'm surely not it."

"I'll bet you've never freaked out like this."

"Everyone is different. I've freaked out. Just not in exactly the same way. Mine involved a lot of broken shit."

"Will you tell me about it sometime?"

"Of course I will, baby."

He turned sweet at just the right time. It was smooth. Too smooth. It occurred to me how experienced he probably was at handling submissives and it made me wince. I don't want to be handled. "You don't have to coddle me, Ethan. I don't think I'm cut out for this at all. Maybe we should just call it quits now before someone gets hurt."

"Ouch. Too late for that. I already have feelings for you, Grace. I don't want to just call it quits. Do you?"

I was surprised by his confession. It didn't even sound like something he would say. "No."

"Then let's take that off the table right now. I'm not even close to ending this. We're just getting to the good part. The real stuff. And you're so wrong about not being cut out for it. You're just scared. It's okay. I'm scared, too."

"You are? Of what?"

"Of pushing you away. Of getting hurt."

It dawned on me that his fears were the same as mine. And somehow that brought me closer to him. Like we weren't on opposite sides anymore. That's weird that I would even picture it that way. He's not the enemy.

I rubbed my eyes and sighed. And then I finally decided that maybe if I said the things I was thinking out loud, it would feel better. At least it would all be out in the open.

"I guess I've been sort of thinking of us as being on separate sides. That I had to play my hand, and then you'd play yours, and we'd sort of have this game. That there was clearly going to be a winner and a loser. But if we want the same things, and we fear the same things, then we really aren't against each other, are we?"

"No."

"I've got all this baggage, Ethan."

"So do I, Grace."

"Yours isn't obvious, though."

"Not yet. My time will come soon enough. You'll be wishing we were dealing with your shit instead of mine."

"I don't know."

"Can you tell me what happened in the living room?"

I sighed. "A whole bunch of old crap that has nothing to do with you or anything we did. I was remembering this email from my husband's lover that walked through in explicit detail this one session they'd had on the floor in our living room. And then everything just sort of came crashing down on me at once. All this guilt. You know how tiring it is to feel guilty about everything all the time?"

"You've got to let it go."

"That's easier said than done."

"It'll happen. Just be patient. I'll try to avoid carpets from now on."

I chuckled. It sounded so silly. "I'm just one big field of land mines."

"I guess we'll just have to blow them up one at a time until there are none left."

"That could take years."

"I hope so."

I turned to look at him. He was smiling up at me so sweetly I had to kiss him. I intended for it to only be a chaste kiss, but his lips were so soft and inviting, I didn't want to stop.

His hand slid around the back of my neck and his fingers wove into my hair. He held me firmly in place so he could deepen the kiss.

Then he was standing and carrying me to the bed. He set me down, hardly losing contact with his lips. I pulled him with me as I lay back. Our tongues danced and swirled in a gentle rhythm. There was no urgency in the kiss, only understanding and love.

We remained like that for what felt like an eternity. He caressed my cheek with the back of his hand as he gazed into my eyes and I could feel myself surrendering to him in a different way. I didn't want to fight it anymore. I wanted to love him and I wanted him to love me.

I was the one to make the first move beyond kissing. I gripped his hand in mine and placed it on my breast as I smiled up at him. His touch was sweet and gentle. He ran his thumb over the soft cotton of his tee shirt where my nipple was hardening beneath the fabric. He smiled as it responded to his caress.

"Will you let me make love to you, Grace?"

I smiled and whispered, "Yes."

Ethan went slow. We kissed for quite awhile longer. His hand eventually moved under the tee shirt to fondle my breasts. He allowed me to remove his shirt and shorts. I outlined each one of his tattoos with my fingers, asking questions and listening to the stories. And when I'd finally exhausted the art gallery, we settled back to kissing and fondling.

I stroked his length gently and was surprised at how wild it drove him. He was painfully hard just from my light caress. It felt so good to do that to him. To have that kind of power over him when he'd been the one with all the control.

His lips moved over my nipples. They were still a little sore from earlier, but it felt good. His fingers trailed down my stomach as he suckled at my breast. Then they were exploring me.

I knew even before his fingers reached my slit that I was ready for him. But when his finger slid so easily inside and he moaned, I thought I might come right there.

He moved over me and tilted his pelvis so the head of his cock was at my opening. Then he rocked his hips and entered me. I gripped his shoulders as he took his first few strokes and then I couldn't believe what happened next. I climaxed. And two strokes later, so did he.

Ethan Hadfield came after five minutes of making love to a woman. No handcuffs. No nipple clamps. No hard pounding. And I went with him.

It was a turning point for us.