Amazing Grace Ch. 19-20

I thought about it for a second. Only one answer floated around my head. "Yes."

Ethan reached up and untied my hair so it cascaded over my shoulders. Then he lifted my cheeks up to look at him. "I'm hungry. And I'm fucking exhausted from this perpetual hard-on you seem to be giving me."

I grinned and chuckled, blushing just a bit at his confession. I did feel slightly bad about it, even though I wouldn't change it for the world.

"I want to eat breakfast and crash for awhile. Then we should have a serious talk about this. Okay?" I nodded. "But don't be surprised if we don't do any of that and I just bend you over the couch and fuck you instead. Because that's what I really want to do right now."

I gave him a big toothy grin. "Whatever you say, sir."

CHAPTER TWENTY
Three Little Words

Ethan left the ankle, thigh, and wrist cuffs off of me for breakfast. He didn't say so, but I got the impression that he was too tired to deal with them. He was operating on just a couple hours of sleep and it was beginning to show in the darkness beneath his eyes and the slowness of his movements.

I began to wonder if maybe I wasn't a bad habit after all. Lack of sleep could be pretty bad for someone's health. Maybe not as bad as drinking, smoking, or drugs, but still more on the unhealthy side than healthy one.

It was disheartening to think of myself as being bad for Ethan because in stark contrast, he was good for me. In every way, not just physically. Or maybe it was the way he fulfilled me emotionally that made me react to him with such physical intensity.

Ethan shoveled his cereal with some ferocity, silently filling his own hunger void. He barely looked across the table at me. It was such a change, I had to ask him about it.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Ethan lifted his face. He appeared almost startled from the sound of my voice. "No." He finished chewing what he had in his mouth and then swallowed before continuing. "I'm just fucking hungry. And tired."

"Maybe I'm not such a good addiction after all."

"Why? Because I'm tired? Shit, Grace, are you going to do this every time I decide to stay up all night fucking you? If I really wanted to control it and go to sleep, I would. I don't think you want that any more than I do."

I shook my head and swallowed. I liked that he was obsessed with me at times, probably a lot more than I was willing to admit out loud. And I was starting to feel the same way about him. I'd never been addicted to anything that I could remember, so I had nothing to compare it to, but how much I thought about him seemed to fit the definition of obsessed.

"You're not bad for me." Ethan stood from the table and took his near-empty bowl to the sink to dump the remains and toss it with a loud clatter.

Great...I've managed to piss off a Dom. Way to go, Grace.

"I won the bet."

I twisted my neck to curiously look up at him. He was resting against the sink and staring at the cabinets.

"You never asked what I got if I won."

I lowered my head and shook it. I should've never said anything. Now I'm going to get my butt whipped.

"I have an appointment on Tuesday with my therapist. I want you to come with me."

I could tell by the increased volume of his voice that he had turned toward me so I lifted my face. "Why? That meeting is private."

"I told you, I don't have any secrets. You can hear whatever we talk about. And you can ask her if she thinks you're bad for me. Okay?"

Her? His therapist is a woman? Of all the things he was saying to me, this was the one thing I zeroed-in on. And any argument I had over going/not going were superseded by my curiosity to meet the woman who knew every last detail about the man I loved. "Okay."

"This is how it's going to be with me, Grace. I want your eyes to be wide open when it comes to this relationship and what you're getting yourself into. You know, I can be a prick. Especially when I'm tired, like I am right now."

I sighed. "And I can be sensitive when I'm about to start my period. Like I am right now."

The second after the words left my lips I sucked in a quick breath. I wasn't sure if he would take it the wrong way. It did sound a tad disrespectful, although I didn't exactly mean it that way. I was tired, too.

Ethan chuckled and then groaned. "Goddammit, I'd take you over my knee right now if I weren't so agitated already."

"I'm sorry I said anything. I don't know why I brought it up."

"There's nothing wrong with you bringing it up. I know who I am. I just can't seem to get through to you that we're good together. I thought if we did this, you know, really got into a scene, that maybe it would help."

"It did help. It still is, I mean. I don't question everything as much as I used to. Please don't give up on me, Ethan."

Ethan briskly walked to my side and knelt down to look into my eyes. "I'm not going to give up on us, baby. I'm not going to leave you. I just asked you to move in with me less than thirty minutes ago. I meant it. I still mean it. This little bump doesn't change anything."

"But what if something else does? Something we haven't talked about yet."

"You know, if we want to make it work, we will. We'll work through whatever comes up. I want you in my life. I want to sleep next to you every night. Either we'll do that with you moving in here one suitcase at a time, or all at once."

I hadn't thought of it like that. At present, I was gradually increasing the amount of clothing and personal items I had at his place one bag at a time.

But I still wasn't convinced. I hadn't heard the words I was looking for. The ones I needed to hear before making a commitment like that. I was fairly certain that I loved him and I thought there was a good chance he felt the same about me. He hasn't said it. Until he says it, you're just assuming.

"I don't know, Ethan."

"What don't you know, Grace?"

How you feel about me. Exactly. In words. I bit my lip and shook my head. Some things are just too damn hard to say out loud.

Ethan's expression was a mixture of confusion and frustration. He didn't know the cause of my hesitation. I don't know why I expected him to read my mind.

He shook his head as he spoke. "Is there something else that is causing doubt? Your parents, maybe?"

I started to shake my head, then thought about it for a second. I hadn't been thinking about my parents, specifically, but when he mentioned them, I immediately felt tense. They wouldn't like it if I moved in with him so soon. They aren't going to like him, period. I wasn't sure how I felt about that. It would be uncomfortable when they visited. Do I care? These are the same people who practically shoved me out the door into Robert's arms. They loved him, and look how that turned out for me.

"It's not my parents. It's not anything like that."

"Then, what?"

I squirmed in my seat. I wanted him to drop it.

"Is it my past that's bothering you?"

I shook my head. It wasn't entirely the truth, but close enough. It had little to do with what was holding me up.

Ethan's eyes narrowed to slits and his lips curled to form a suspicious-looking grin. "You can't still be unsure of how I feel about you."

Bingo. I bit my lip and averted my gaze.

Ethan froze without saying anything for several seconds. I could feel the heat radiating from my face. I wanted to crawl into the nearest crack in the dining room floor.

Finally I summoned the courage to look at him. His expression had changed. All the lines on his face were gone and his eyes seemed to be smiling. Almost deviously.

"You think all of this has just been about the sex for me?"

I shrugged one shoulder and swallowed hard. I didn't know what to think at that point. All I could hear in my brain was a loud buzzing.

"God, if anyone has the right to doubt the other person's feelings, it's me." Ethan stood up and lifted my bowl from the table. "Go into the bedroom and put on your wrist cuffs. Then lay down on your back in the middle of the bed with your hands overhead. No questions."

I stood on shaky legs as he turned toward the kitchen and then promptly scampered to the bedroom. I tried to work out what was going to happen next in my mind. I was so unsure of his current mood. He didn't seem upset at first, but his statement about "no questions" didn't sound good.

I fumbled with the wrist cuffs and then hastily climbed onto the bed to position myself the way he requested. Did I come across as ungrateful? I didn't mean to. The sex is great. Really, really great. But sex doesn't exactly make a live-in relationship successful. There should be some level of commitment. Professed feelings at the very least. I'm not being outrageous.

Ethan entered the bedroom and immediately moved over me to attach my wrists to the headboard. He then opened one of the nightstand drawers and pulled a length of cloth from it. Without any explanation, he blanketed my eyes with the cloth and secured it behind my head effectively blindfolding me.

The sensitivity of my hearing bumped up a notch immediately. I paid close attention to the noises in the room so I could follow where he was at all times and what he was doing. I heard the rustling of cloth and then the ratchet of his zipper. My heart thumped louder in my chest as I imagined him standing there with no clothing.

Every nerve ending in my body was on high alert. I felt every little change in air movement across my bare skin. So when his hands first touched my thighs, I flinched. He maintained contact and simply increased the pressure until he was pressing firmly against my inner thighs, urging them apart.

After a moment of initial resistance, I spread my legs for him. Cool air swept over my moist slit as it became exposed. I gasped at how vulnerable and sexy it felt. I wondered if the pulsing I felt inside was visible from where he was. It was impossible for me to tell since I couldn't see his face.

Oh, how I wish I could see his face.

The mattress jiggled beneath me. It was obvious that he was climbing onto the bed, but surprisingly difficult to tell exactly where until I felt his hips bumping my inner thighs to situate himself. He rotated his hips until his shaft snuggled between the lips of my sex. He wasn't attempting to penetrate me.

I gasped and panted as his silky rod caressed my slick inner folds. All he had to do was tip his pelvis as he slid downward and the bulbous head of his cock would slide into place to penetrate me. But he didn't do that. He seemed intent on teasing me, instead.

Ethan palmed my left breast and then his hot, wet tongue circled my nipple. It was gentle. Sweet. No sense of urgency. He repeated the same on the other side. Then his lips were on mine. He kissed me very sweetly. No tongue.

"I could stay like this for the rest of the day. And I will, if that will prove to you that I don't give a damn about the sex."

I swallowed hard.

"It's no different for me than you. I want it. Of course, I want it. I'd be inside you every second of the day if I could. But not because it's sex. Because it's you."

Tears pricked the corners of my eyes.

Ethan's hand went to work on my breast again as his hips worked his now slippery shaft up and down my sex. It was exasperating. Almost painful. I wanted him inside me so badly I could hardly stand another second of his teasing.

I lifted my knees to tilt my hips to force the issue, but he quickly realized what I was up to and adjusted his position to prevent his shaft from slipping inside.

"No, Grace."

"Ethan, please. I get your point."

"Do you?"

I nodded and groaned.

"Then say the words."

What?! What words? The THREE words? A few seconds later, I realized that my mouth was agape and clamped it shut again.

"You know the words I'm talking about. I need to hear them, Grace. I'm not going to enter you until I do."

I whined and then quickly bit my lip. The staccato beat in my chest was now audible.

Ethan continued to tease me with his hips and his caresses, coaxing me to say the one thing I wanted most to hear from him. "I promise if you say it, I won't leave you hanging."

I heaved a sigh and then quickly whispered, "I love you."

Ethan's body stilled. I wasn't positive he heard me, I'd spoken so softly and the words were heavily masked by my labored breathing. I swallowed and said it again.

"I love you." I didn't wait for a response before saying it again. This time louder and with more assuredness. "I love you." Just hearing my own voice utter the words I'd been silently thinking gave me a newfound strength. "I've loved you all along."

"Even before we had sex?"

I nodded. "Yes."

"So have I, Grace. Maybe from the first time we met."

I held my breath. I could feel tears welling in my eyes.

"I was afraid if I came on too strong, I'd scare you away. You needed to say the words first."

Ethan tilted his pelvis until the head of his cock was poised at my opening.

"Do you understand how I feel about you now?"

I nodded, and the moment I did, he eased his cock all the way inside me.

I couldn't tell if the intense throbbing I felt deep in my channel was him or me. I know that the fullness was so intensely satisfying for me. For both of us, judging from his heavy breathing. We just fit together as if we were meant to stay like that.

Ethan's hot breath tickled my ear as he spoke. "Has sex ever felt like this to you?"

I shook my head.

"Then I guess it's not sex." Ethan withdrew his cock a couple of inches very slowly and then eased forward. The throbbing commenced again and I heard Ethan gasp. When he spoke, his voice was shaky. "I want you to come, Grace. Now. For me."

I realized then that the throbbing had been me all along. I was teetering on the edge of release and his words tipped me over. I yanked at the restraints as my back arched into my climax. Ethan kept his pelvis pressed firmly to mine as I thrashed beneath him.

"That's it, baby." Ethan growled as he held tight to me, refraining from moving his hips.

I wanted him to let go and fuck me so he could come with me. "Just fuck me. Please."

Ethan growled deeper, "No." He was huffing and panting in my ear, his death grip holding me to him as if his life depended on it.

I relaxed in his grip as my climax subsided. A moment later, I felt him loosening the grasp he had on me. He reached up and removed my blindfold.

I blinked hard a few times to focus my eyes. Ethan's face was red and covered in sweat.

"I wanted you to come with me."

Ethan sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "I did."

I cocked my head, about to ask him how that was possible when it dawned on me. He wanted to prove to me that it wasn't physical. We climaxed because of our emotional connection, not our physical one.

I smiled and shook my head slightly as I gazed into his eyes. I couldn't believe we'd come so far, each down our own path to the same place. "I love you, Ethan."

Ethan smiled and sighed. "I love you, Grace."

***

We entered into a whole new chapter of our relationship.

I think that something inherently changed for me after we confessed our love. It freed me in an entirely different way. The sense of calm that swept over me when I heard him utter those three simple words was unreal.

I think I'd just been floating around in space before that. I'd been unable or unwilling to experience real life. The only solace for me was my writing, because there I could invent a world to live in that didn't exist. Free from the hurt. Safe.

But the path I was on was bleak and headed nowhere good. I imagine it was no different than Ethan's route through addiction. He found his way out with the help of his family, and I found my way out with his help. It sounds utterly corny, but in a lot of ways he was saving me.

Ethan drove us to my house to pack another overnight bag. This suitcase contained at least a week's worth of clothing. There was no doubt I was going to move in with him, one way or another. He didn't bring it up again, but we both knew that the only doubt left for me had been answered.

I surprised him by insisting that he leave the collar on me until Monday morning. It was what he originally promised me. The surprise came when I walked from his car into my garage wearing it, not even noticing if any of my neighbors saw me. My desire to be seen as His was stronger than my embarrassment over how unconventional it might appear to anyone else.

In Ethan's eyes, this was huge. For me, it just felt right.

"Are you going to be okay when I remove your collar tomorrow morning?"

I shrugged. "I'll probably cry. It chokes me up just thinking about it. Sir."

Ethan grinned at me. "We still have tonight."

I sucked in my breath.

"I detect some hesitancy. Are you afraid I'm going to hurt you?"

I released my breath. I didn't even have to think of the answer. "No. I know you're going to hurt me. I'm afraid of how much I'm going to like it."

Ethan winked at me as he smiled. I thought I caught a glimmer of pride in his expression. It heated my insides.

In such a short period of time we'd come a long way. I'd come a long way, for sure. I'd stopped hiding from pain and was now welcoming it with open arms. It was a different kind of pain than what I'd become familiar with in the past. I was just beginning to discover that embracing Ethan's brand of pain could be very cathartic. Especially since his always came with a healthy dose of love.

And lust.

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