Amidst the Shadows Ch. 02

Chapter Two: Ruins Of Chaos

The turn of the season came fast upon us at Skyhold, and all through the summer we enjoyed the endless days of blue skies and warmer nights with an almost childish delight, our troubles dissipating in the warmth of the season by the bright sun above and the soft soil beneath our feet. Shoots of grass sprung from the frozen grounds and there was life in places that there had never been before. The realm was changing before our very eyes and anything seemed possible under that blanket of hazy hope that shrouded our shoulders. However as autumn fell upon us, we could all feel the echo of summer calling out to us one last time as it was slowly drowned by the arrival of an unwelcomed intruder that was winter. Before we knew it, we were wrapped in furs and our breath was icy upon the air once more. The blissful ignorance of our plight had been forgotten, and now we were being reminded once more that nothing ever ended, and although we longed for stagnation, it only changed evermore....

We found ourselves in the city of Denerim that morning in early winter, to meet with a merchant, Farius Terryn. Terryn had sent word that he could provide the Inquisition with a collection of rare and highly valuable magical weapons fresh from a carrack that was coming to the docks from across the Amaranthine Ocean that day. It was questionable as to how the Ferelden merchant had managed to acquire such a valuable bounty, but we all knew we were in no position to question anything that might aid us in our plight.

Cullen and Leliana had joined the expedition, adding a brutally unforgiving and severe dimension to the journey. The pair held a similar disdain for pleasantries in general, keeping their focus on the road ahead with no time for small talk to ease the discomfort that silence often brings, leaving me to while away the hours in my head as the emptiness grew thick across the company of soldiers marching with us.

To be honest, I had wondered at times whether my previous interlude with Cullen had been a result of my wild and vivid imagination, especially now in the aftermath, such was the way he was acting towards me, and such was the oddity surrounding our unexpected, lustful session. There was not even the slightest acknowledgement of my person on Cullen's behalf, apart from the expected civilities owed to each other as we travelled across Ferelden. A firm nod, a sharp order and a stiff jaw, these were the only offerings bestowed upon me, and it left me rather disillusioned even at the best of times.

Often I would cast my gaze across to the Commander on his steel plated steed and see him deep in thought, a frown covering his face and hardened lines heavy on his brow. He was troubled, that much he had already confessed and that much was clearly evident, but I wondered whether passing so close to the life he once had been a part of had caused him further pain at present. Surely this journey brought back too many memories he had wished to forget?

My nature was one that urged me to grab his hand and squeeze it reassuringly, perhaps in the selfish desperation that my comfort would in turn be reciprocated. Perhaps that was a flaw of my own self, despite my belief in thinking I wanted to help the Commander, I in secret only wanted him to help me. Perhaps he already knew this much in his infinite wisdom, and merely knew how to act accordingly. With silence.

Arriving at the city a few hours after a red sun rose across the amber plains, we were all relieved for the break of ceaseless riding. I sighed heavily as I lead my horse to the stables just outside of Denerim, handing the reigns to the stable boy a little too eagerly, before following my escorts through the large wooden gates of the city. Denerim. The capital of Ferelden and birthplace of our holy Andraste. Many a legendary bard's tale had been spun thanks to this city, and it was indeed humbling to grace such a mighty place. During the previous blight, Denerim had been almost destroyed, and even after all this time there was still evidence of the destruction it had left in its wake. The city had been rebuilt, but there still remained charred and blackened ash burnt deep on some of the stones, perhaps left as a reminder to those that nothing was safe from the evil that seeks to destroy us. In the end, no one was safe.

'Inquisitor,' called out the Commander from a way ahead, walking towards me with a focused pace 'I have spoken to our soldiers and we have agreed to meet at the Gnawed Noble Tavern at midday to converse with our merchant trader, Farius Terryn. You are free to wander the city until then.'

'Free?' I replied with a smirk, hoping to produce one from the Commander. He, however, did not reciprocate.

'Yes.' Cullen replied directly 'Although unless you have other business in the city before then, I would like your advice regarding some of the magical equipment we intend to purchase, before the merchant arrives. It shouldn't take too long.'. Cullen drew his hand outwards, directing me towards a strip of shops in the alley nearest to us 'If you please, Inquisitor.'

'Of course.' I replied darkly, hating the way Cullen insisted on only addressing me by my formal title rather than my name. Perhaps it was his intention, but it dehumanised my being into nothing more than a superficial role and I knew it was unworthy of him to do so while others made the effort to address me by my actual person.

Cullen nodded to the remaining men, directing some to the gate while others set off to their own devices, most likely to the loving arms of The Pearl. Turning back to me, Cullen proceeded to direct me through the tired and dusty laneways of Denerim, walking by my side in silence. After many narrow twists and turns, I realised we were completely away from the prying ears of any unwanted company, and I turned to my silent companion in somewhat of an act of desperation to appeal to his senses once and for all.

Suddenly aware of my presence, something I questioned whether he had been fully aware of before this moment, Cullen slowed his pace to a halt. We were in a part of the city that was quite abandoned, only for the loose crumbling rock foundations of abandoned buildings and the skeleton of wooden frames from buildings yet to be completed.

'Interesting place to discuss business?' I remarked dryly, throwing a sceptical glance around the ruins of the city 'Unless you were hoping to be robbed before then? Then I'd say this was an excellent place.'

Cullen chuckled, a devious smirk growing on his lips as his hand suddenly grasped mine and pulled me aside, pushing me against a tired wooden beam close by, and pressing his armoured body firmly against mine. 'No rogue would dare interrupt me now.' he remarked lowly, almost growling, as his amber eyes drew into mine.

My breathing intensified as I felt the Commander move his hands to my shoulders, drawing his lips to my neck as his fingers lingered across my collarbone before exploring lower over my chest, fondling my breasts as he continued to pleasure me with his mouth.

'This journey has given me no release,' Cullen murmured 'and I've been tortured from having to watch the back of you as you ride your damn horse for over a week now.'. He brought his lips to mine and roughly kissed me, biting firmly at my bottom lip before pulling away. 'I need release.'

I raised an amused eyebrow 'Here?'

'Why not?' Cullen growled, tightening his grasp around my waist so we were pressed tightly together 'I'd fuck you in the middle of the merchant square at midday if I could, and take delight in seeing all the perverse eyes of the men and women watching me conquer you mercilessly until you were screaming out my name on your hands and knees, begging for more.'

I grinned back at his mischievous remark, a deviant smile reflecting on his own face that seemed entertained by the thought. Cullen's loose sandy blonde hair fell across his brow as he held my gaze, almost as if he was challenging me to protest so he could chastise me. I often felt he took delight in trying to take me off guard. To shock me with his confessions. Little did he know I was beyond that. I loved the way his Templar nature came out when the Commander was aroused. Cullen was so stern and unforgiving, and it always tempted me to inflame him further, and the more he spoke of his depravity the more I found myself desiring to be part of it.

Cullen started to undo his cuirass, quickly unfastening the buckles on each side and pulling the steel over his head with his feathers and red fabric still attached. It was evident Cullen was not interested in preserving the attire his position demanded, throwing it down like a pile of old rags at his feet as he tugged the remaining loose cotton white shirt over his head. He revealed his smooth sun kissed abdomen, tight and firm, with broad shoulders and large, well defined arms that could easily overpower me whenever it took his fancy.

Running his hands across my belt, Cullen began to unbuckle the clasp with firm pulls and tugs, yanking me with it so I was pulled closer towards him. I wanted to make him furious at me, such was the way of my delight, so I pushed off him roughly in protest.

'You've not said one word to me since you left me in my room weeks ago.' I remarked angrily 'I deserved a little more than that. And I don't exist to entertain you when it suits.'

Cullen raised an amused eyebrow, obviously entertained by my heated observations. 'What would you have wished me to say?' he inquired politely, a smirk on his lips 'Or perhaps do? Offer you a posy of flowers perhaps?'. With a final hard tug, he released my belt and hooked his fingers into my pants, pulling them slowly down to expose my flesh. 'The only flower that concerns me is the one between your legs.' he growled. Suddenly the Commander pushed me furiously against the beam behind me, running his hands through my hair as he embraced me furiously with his hot mouth, before grabbing my locks sharply with a clenched fist. 'Or perhaps I should have been whispering sweet nothings to you since that day? Sonnets perhaps, of a Templar knight pure and true, determined to protect your honour...when all I really want to do is tarnish it with my darkest deeds. Drag you into my perversity. My thoughts are nothing but sweet, and I refuse to deceive you with anything but. I lie awake at night thinking of all the immoral acts I would like to indulge upon you, to sate my insatiable desire until I am weak and dripping, a shadow of my former self quenched of all his darkest fucking desires. Pleasant civilities do not enter into the realm I wish to enter with you.'

Rendered more than a little speechless at his brutal honesty, I let out a surprised gasp. I could feel how unforgiving his cock was right now, pressed hard up against me, even with all the trappings between us. Cullen was heated and aroused, as was I by his filthy confessions, his honesty making me quiver with delight, his broad chest stirring my temptation. My fingers edged towards the concealed bulge as Cullen kept himself pressed against me, and I could feel him grinning next to my ear as I desperately tried to release him in that moment.

'Then what do you want from me?' I whispered, finally managing to wrap my fingers around the soft warm skin of his hard member.

Cullen's eyes shut and he released a moan as I stroked him with a firm hand, up and down his hot dick. He was incredibly hard, maybe from the many days of tension building up, or maybe that was a delightful regularity of Commander Cullen.

'Right now, at this moment, I want to fuck you before we have to meet this fucking merchant.' he groaned in reply, responding to my touch with enthusiasm. Opening his eyes once more, he threw me a grin, his mischievous hands having pulled my pants now over my hips, and down to the ground around my ankles. Kicking off my boots, and pants, I watched as Cullen released his member from amidst his own attire. The Commander was ready.

'I never talk about my past to anyone, but there is something about you that makes me want to, for better or for worse.' he muttered as he held his erection in one hand, while holding me close with the other 'Before I was tainted with the cruel hand that fate bestowed upon me, I was but a naive Templar who had faith in my duty but also trusted the mages left in my charge. We were to keep a distance from the mages, in order to supervise them effectively. We could never be close. But I had faith in their purpose, and that they would arise to the same amount of integrity that the Templars upheld. That I upheld.'

Cullen rubbed his throbbing head across the pink of my folds before positioning to enter, slowly easing into me as he kept his eyes held fast on mine 'And so the day came when they betrayed that faith I had. I saw so much evil in that tower, and I saw my fellow Templars slain like cattle before my very eyes. By the end I hated mages. I hated magic. What I endured was unspeakable. It was abhorrent. Now, however, there is something about mages that makes me so angry...and so fucking horny at the same time. Like a swirling pool of maddening lust that I cannot control. You do that to me.'

'I am not like those mages.' I responded breathlessly as I felt his generous length fill me to the hilt, the warmth of his breath on my shoulder as he supported my weight beneath me with his strong arms, easing out again to repeat what he had begun. My breath drew into shallow pants as Cullen starting to thrust up into me with long, rhythmic thrusts, slow at first but increasing in intensity as he spoke.

'I know,' he muttered 'yet to me that circle represented what mages across Thedas are capable of and that is enough to secure my disdain. I was tortured in that circle. Perhaps you would say broken. The things they did to me, the things those abominations showed me.'. He thrust harder up into me and I cried out. It was forceful and the roughness was sending me over the edge. 'I cannot be the man you want,' he grunted as he continued to sate himself 'or the one I was meant to be. I cannot bring you flowers and entertain you in idle pleasantries, taking pleasure in the flightless pursuits of a perfect courtship that can never be. I cannot be that person for you...or for me.'

Moaning against his continual wave of intrusions, I kissed the base of his neck as he continued to assault me. 'Cullen,' I murmured between forceful penetrations 'I never asked you to be anything else than what you are.'

Cullen used his weight to hold me against the beam as he wrapped his hands around my throat, his thrusts becoming harder and faster, his fingers pressing firmly into my flesh and covering my skins in excited bumps 'All I can do is fuck you with every part of my being, my soul, my mind. I give these to you freely, but I warn you, you will not like what you find there. My mind is a dark labyrinth of unfulfillment and disappointment that you will surely drown in.'

I could feel an uncontrollable urge to come as he held me tight, and Cullen knew it. He released me suddenly and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, resting my weight heavily on him as his held me up against him and furiously unleashed himself on me, fucking me harder and harder on every thrust with unforgiving diligence as I fell down on him again and again.

'Dig your nails into me.' he ordered sharply 'Scratch and rip my flesh. Do it!!'. There was an almost desperation in his voice, as if Cullen needed the pain in order to feel his release. As if the two coincided with each other, and one could not be felt without the other.

Without hesitation, I dragged my nails heavily across the smooth, white skin of his muscular back. At first I only left a few white trails of scratch marks but as I continued the scratches cut deeper and deeper until I could feel myself tearing his flesh and Cullen started moaning uncontrollably. 'More!' he growled 'Hurt me, damn you, tear me to fucking shreds!'

Dark angels danced around us, of that I am certain, their black wings flapping as we rose on the wave of delight, taking us higher and higher into a realm of forbidden desire. I knew I was a part of something much bigger than just being fucked by Commander Cullen. He was opening himself to me, perhaps the first person he had ever done so with, and his was a mind of riddles and mazes, threatening to consume my own mind perhaps as I tried desperately to understand him. There was something about Cullen and his darkness that fascinated me, drew me towards him and craved him even more. I could feel my soul weeping for his, as if it felt what he felt when he revealed himself from behind that black curtain of his past. His shadows were my companions and I knew even if I wanted to run away, his sad song would lull me back. I was under his spell.

His thrusts were sharp and unforgiving now, and it was rough and ecstatic as I mercilessly ripped and scratched the skin on his back with my nails as he held me up, the smell of blood and sex in the air as he fucked me harder and harder until we both screamed out in total uninhibited...release. Cullen shuddered, filling me deeply with his splendour, the sweat on his brow touching my lips, salty and pure as the release we had both just experienced.

Cullen held me against the wall, still deep inside me, as he drew his lips to mine and kissed me between breathless pants. Perhaps in that brief moment, there was a short time where the Commander was at peace. His touch was softer, almost tender, as his soft lips lapped over mine gently before pulling away.

'Thank you.' he muttered withdrawing from me, and I felt alone, an emptiness that wasn't a result of physical means. Cullen turned to retrieve his breastplate, revealing the many scratches and smeared blood from the fresh cuts left on his back.

'You're bleeding' I remarked in concern, feeling guilty for being the one who had injured the Commander. An addition of injuries to the already long list.

With a smirk, Cullen drew his eyes back towards mine, pulling the loose cotton shirt over his head. 'Like I said, thank you. I used to cut myself, after what happened at the Circle Tower. In Kirkwall in the privacy of my chambers, I would delight in running a blade over my skin on different parts of my body and every time it felt so...good. Every time that heavy pain in my gut started, when the memories came to haunt me, the physical pain of piercing my flesh would ease me. Your nails felt wonderful.'

I hesitantly moved closer to him, grabbing his hand as a cold breeze scattered loose leaves in the isolated corner we had come to pass in. 'I don't want to cause you further pain.' I appealed.

'You're not,' Cullen replied shortly, a faint smile following 'in fact it is quite the opposite.'. Cupping my face, his amber warmth held my gaze 'You could never hurt me, but I could hurt you. I warn you against getting close to me.'

'The sun may warn the shadows to stay away, but we all know it is the light that allows the darkness to prevail as much as the darkness allows the light.' I replied with a shrug.

'Perhaps, but you are no shadow.' replied the Commander bluntly.

'We are all shadows.' I muttered 'You are not the only one that has lost faith in this life.'

Pulling away, he continued to dress himself in silence until he was once again a pristine image of a Commander of the Inquisition.

'We meet at The Gnawed Noble at midday. Until then Inquisitor.'

'Until then Commander' I replied dryly, if not accusingly, berating him for using my title so formally at such an informal moment. To turn on such titles after such intimacy boiled my blood, and left me feeling even more alone than when I started. His emotional detachment was like a blade against my own skin, although I felt no pleasure in it.