Amidst the Shadows Ch. 04

Chapter Four: Confessions

The weeks passed by and we endured it, unable to track any sign of the Red Templars or Samson until we begrudgingly accepted that they were long gone and our efforts had been in vain. We all felt we had failed our missing agent, especially Leliana, and her deathly quietness made us wish the journey back home would go fast. The atmosphere was heavy as we rode back to Skyhold, with Varric's light hearted banter not even able to lift our spirits. With frost bitten fingertips clutching at the reins, the Keep came to greet us on the horizon. We were home.

Riding along the drawbridge into the courtyard, the stronghold was busy in the late afternoon. Master Dennet was yelling orders at the stable boys, and the sweet smell of hay lingered in the air while the whinny of horses sounded every now and then. The new recruits hastily gathered around to see our arriving party, hopeful to witness some terrible enemy we may have happened across and decided to bring back to the keep.

Unsaddling in haste, we all departed our separate ways, eager to find some isolation after so long travelling together. Leliana and Vivienne scurried off to the warmth of the Great Hall, while Varric murmured something about the Herald's Rest under his breath before heading off. Cole, as usual, had simply.....disappeared.

Wearily I started to climb the side stairs leading up to Skyhold's kitchens when I suddenly stopped. Even now I'm not sure what brought the sudden change of heart. Perhaps it was the familiar smell of ram stew from the kitchens, or the usual sound of the smithy in the distance, the repetitive dull striking of the hammer against the anvil, over and over again. Perhaps it was nothing at all, but in that moment I knew that all the comforts of home, all the familiarities that once existed were now nothing more than strange sounds and odours to me. I couldn't be here.

With a turn and a dash, I hurriedly made my way for the gate of the stronghold and didn't stop until I had cleared the bridge. A few guards looked on in confusion, calling out my title uncertainly as I rushed by, but I did not care to stop or reply. It wasn't my name and I didn't want that responsibility anymore. It didn't matter where I was going, as long as it was away from Skyhold.

My boots trudged heavily against the gravel and ice on the road before me as I set out for my new course. After enjoying a few minutes of silence the heavy thud of two horses came riding up behind me, and stopped at my side.

'Inquisitor.' spoke one of the guards 'We have orders not to let you wander outside Skyhold unattended.'

With a flash of furious eyes, I pointed an accusing finger at the man, my hand glowing green so as to cause unease. 'Leave me be.' I hissed breathlessly, hastening my step and leaving the befuddled men behind once more.

Stumbling along the rocky path as it zigged and zagged around the towering terrain of the Frostback Mountains, I barely noticed the sun as it began to sink behind the mountains. I pressed on knowing the further I walked the further away I would be from my prison keep. The sharp jagged rocks cut into the soft soles of my shoes every now and then, as if reminding me I was wandering aimlessly on an ever dangerous path. Amber waves of deep orange spilled into blood red across the heavens as the afternoon transformed into evening, and I stopped finally to take in the last moments of it's magnificence. Leliana was right, we had forgotten the beauty of the world amongst our despair. The simplicity of the stars and the wondrous nature of the evergreen forests. All were forgotten, including ourselves. Who were we now? What did we stand for? To fight, to serve, to protect. We would bathe in the blood of our enemies and be reborn into something we never were meant to be.

Behind me the loud gallop of hoofs approached, set at a determined pace. I refused to turn, I did not care whether it be friend or foe.

'Inquisitor.' called out a sharp, low voice that I instantly recognised. It was that of Cullen, an ever so faint hint of question in his voice as if uncertain of my present state of mind.

'Commander.' I replied dryly, refusing to hold his gaze. Of course we were using titles amongst each other. 'Go away.' I added. I knew it was harsh of me to speak so but I wasn't concerned. When everything was crumbling around me, what did I care about civilities?

Cullen proceeded at a trot beside me as I walked faster. 'You'll be walking a while,' he remarked in a calm, matter of fact manner 'there is no respite out here for another five miles or so. Unless you are heading to Skyhold? In that case, you are walking the wrong way.'

Cullen held an amused smile on his chiselled jaw as I kept my gaze forward on the road, not wanting to engage, although I could see him clearly in my periphery. The Commander was looking splendid in his full armour upon his shiny, black steed, that ever present smirk on his scarred lip present even now.

'Enough of this nonsense, come, let me take you back.' he replied firmly, holding down his hand towards me.

Moving my shoulder away from his reaching grasp, I spun around wildly. 'I've had enough of Skyhold, and you for that matter. I foolishly thought my life at the circle was pitiable in comparison to the lives of other free men and women out here in the realm. What a fool I was. Now I know what was awaiting for me out there-' I waved my hand carelessly around me 'I would have been better locked up in the circle for the rest of my days. I can't do this anymore. You can find another puppet to pull the strings to.'

The Commander pulled his reins tight, perhaps in suppressed anger, although he refused to reveal it anymore than that. 'Five miles it is' muttered Cullen 'Although let me ride you there at least. You are free to do what you will, but you will freeze on the roads tonight before you even reach your destination, of that I am certain.'

Cullen dismounted heavily off his steed, the sound of his metal armour rustling and the crunch of the gravel trudging under his feet. Moving towards me, he gently grabbed my arm as I tried to walk on. 'Trevelyan,' he murmured in a softer tone 'please.'

Trevelyan. My name. There was a tenderness in his voice that I had only had a mere taste of back in the ruins of Denerim. I was vulnerable to it and it made me stop dead in my tracks. With a strong grip, Cullen refused to release my arm as the metal gauntlet pressed into the soft cloth of my forearm. It was firm yet gentle all at the same time, and I wasn't mentally strong enough to break from it. With a slight nod, I allowed Cullen to lead me back to his steed, and we mounted and continued on into the night.

There were a thousand things to say and yet neither of us uttered a word, although I could sense the frustration Cullen must have been experiencing, brimming with questions, however he was not a man to fill the empty void of silence with idle gossip and stories along the way. The stillness of the night was what I wanted in that moment and he respected it.

Plumes of frosty breath escaped our mouths as we rode on, the night being clear and bitterly cold, although it made the journey easier to navigate with the glowing crescent moon bright overhead. In a more agreeable circumstances, the ride might have been looked upon as almost favourable, as we lay our eyes on the shimmering rock and ice under the moonlight, the stars of the Frostback Mountains. My hands held fast against the lower waist of the Commander, at the edge of his metal cuirass, and I could feel his breath draw deeper whenever I adjusted my fingers to balance my position. There was a soft, almost sweet, scent coming from his waves of sandy hair and soon I found myself breathing deeper and closer to his neck than I probably should have, the feathers from his gorget tickling my nose and cheeks.

My eyes drew heavier and heavier as the Commander rode on, and I was lulled into that blissful state somewhere between the realm of dreams and reality, until finally we approached the small lights of a roadside tavern, tucked away cozily on the side of the seemingly endless, winding mountain path. A tired wooden sign swung in front; Ortik's Tavern. Whoever Ortik was, I was glad he decided to make the tavern here and no further up the road.

Exhausted and weary, I dismounted at the entrance before Cullen did the same, handing his horse to the stable boy before leading me into the brightly lit room of the foyer of the tavern. The smell of yeasty warm bread and heady ale overwhelmed my senses, and we were greeted by a brightly lit room leading onto a larger area full of roaring fires and two dozen or so merry patrons busily chatting away the plights of their day in festive respite. Cullen left me at the door while he walked over to the innkeep standing by the well worn oak bar, a tall and burly looking man that I supposed could have been Ortik himself, and could well have been a warrior in his younger days. The pair talked quietly amongst themselves for a while, before Cullen finally returned to the foyer.

'Come.' he muttered darkly, brushing roughly past me and leading me to the stairs at the side of the room, ascending them heavily. Uncertain whether the order was that of Cullen or the Commander, I followed on hesitantly until we reached the top of the stairs, following down the dimly lit hall until Cullen stopped at a door and opened it with the key in his hand.

'I took the liberty of arranging lodgings.' he murmured, allowing me to enter but standing fast at the door. I half expected, nay wanted, him to follow in after me, but the Commander remained unmoved.

'What now?' I asked, almost accusingly.

Cullen shrugged. 'You have made your mind up it appears, I must wish you well on the rest of your life.'. He threw me a small smile at the end of his comment, as if even in all my seriousness he knew it was anything but. It was a typical manner Cullen used with me.

'I'm sorry for...' my eyes flickered away in embarrassment. 'I don't know what came over me. I'll return to Skyhold tomorrow.' I murmured, looking one last time in his amber eyes as he stood over me in close proximity.

The curl of his lip revealed his white scar in the soft light. 'Good girl.' he murmured, taking another step towards me and then further into the room. 'Perhaps I can stay with you a while longer then?'

****

The night unfolded in unexpected splendour and delight, that of which we both could not have anticipated. A small four poster bed pushed up against the side wall, and a small wooden table with two chairs was all that adorned the modest accommodation. However it's simplicity did not concern us for the company made up anything else that room may have otherwise been lacking. Taking our places at the table, we shared our first meal together. A modest spread of bread, warm meat, dried fruit and soft cheese. Between us stood two bottles of Vint-9 Rowan's Rose, of which we were more than happy to entertain.

'Now that you have me here, it brings me to mind of your true intentions.' mused Cullen wickedly, swirling the crimson liquid imprisoned in a metal goblet in one hand while tearing off some sour dough with the other 'I can only assume that was your cunning plan all along?'

'Quite possibly.' I grinned.

'Well, lucky then that I didn't send Harritt after you instead.' chuckled Cullen, producing a laugh from both of us. His amber eyes drew into mine suddenly, like a warm flame. 'Would you have really left?' he asked seriously. There was a glimmer of michievity in his face, but also perhaps a small part of something else. Hurt? Disappointment? I couldn't' tell, but he waited patiently to hear my reply.

'I-'. My voice faltered, not knowing where to begin 'The recent trip to the Emerald Greaves gave me a lot of time to think about things.'

'Indeed?' remarked Cullen 'What things?'

With a large swig of the sweet liquid to my lips, my eyes scattered across the barren room trying to fixate on anything but the man before me. 'You. Me. Everything.' I begun 'What we were before all of this, and what that makes us now.'

The ex templar eased back in his seat, a small smile permanently on his lips 'Ah, now I am getting a better picture. You spent near a month with that gossiping bard. I don't suppose Leliana had anything to do with these revelations? She and I go back quite a long way and I recall confiding in her, perhaps unwisely, about my former days on many occasion. Last time I confide in such loose lips. '. Running his right hand across the table, he strummed his fingers lingering over my hand with a lower voice 'Did she talk to you about my time in Kirkwall? Is this what has troubled you?'

'Not Kirkwall,' I replied, taking another hasty sip 'it was about...the Hero of Ferelden.'

Cullen raised his eyebrows in genuine surprise 'Sierra Amell?'. He shrugged as he leant heavily back into the wooden chair once more 'I imagine Leliana had a lot to say about her.'

With focused aggression, I began tearing pieces of the bread on the table apart between my fingers as I watched him. So calm and collected in his indifference at someone he had held so dear. How could he act like that? I knew my anger towards the Hero of Ferelden was an unreasonable response to a person I had never met, and yet all I could think of was that Sierra Amell was the reason Cullen kept pulling away from me. She was the real reason.

As if sensing, if only a sceric, of my unworthy thoughts, Cullen poured himself another glass of wine contemplatively before he spoke. 'I'm not sure how much you know, or how accurate Leliana's account was.' he muttered 'From your reaction I can assume Leliana's account of my past gave neither one of us any real justice.'

'She told me enough.' I replied hastily.

'Apparently not.' remarked Cullen shortly 'Or we wouldn't be having this conversation. Amell was one of my charges at the Circle Tower before the Blight. I was not nineteen the first time I met her. We were both very young and naive, me a new templar in the Order and her a mage. We had no actual experience of the real dangers that magic presented. Naturally being a templar I wasn't permitted to fraternize with the other mages, especially my charges.'. He drew his hand wearily through his locks as he continued 'Naturally I ignored this, and we fell for each other, and got quite close. Shortly after her harrowing she foolishly tried to help one of her mage friends, a blood mage no less, in escaping the tower. At the time I was blinded by my feelings I admit, and thought she had just made an error in judgement. A Grey Warden by the name of Duncan came to the tower and conscripted Amell into the Wardens, and she happily left rather than face the repercussions of her actions.'

'And you are still in love with her to this very day.' I murmured half to myself, if not entirely, but loud enough to produce a scoff from the Commander's lips. My eyes drew hastily to his, embarrassed by my comments.

'Hardly.' remarked Cullen firmly 'I was fond of her, and perhaps believed myself to be in love while we were at the Tower. However after she left, she changed a great deal. She returned many months later to the tower to help with the siege.'. Cullen shook his head in disgust 'She sided with the mages, saving as many of those corrupted monsters as she could. I dare say she would have spared Uldred if she could have. Even as she witnessed the terror those mages had unleashed on her home, she still defended each and every one of them to the very end. Leliana told me of what happened in the tower, and how Sierra allowed the mages she came across to escape. She even let a desire demon escape with a templar.'. A disgusted sigh escaped Cullen's lips, as if even now he was still shocked by Amell's actions.

'Why would she do that?'

'I have no idea.' remarked Cullen in disgust 'Leliana told me Sierra felt she was being kind to the templar. Apparently the demon had given the templar the illusion that he was living a happy life with a wife and family...the demon was his wife. Leliana urged Sierra to kill the demon before conversing with it, but she refused to listen and by the end allowed the demon and the possessed templar to escape.'

'Utter madness.' I scoffed.

The ex-templar rubbed his aching neck 'I agree. After the siege was over, Sierra left shortly after with her new love, another Grey Warden by the name of Alistair.'. Cullen chuckled, adding 'I assure you I was well over that short chapter of intrigue by that point. The cold hard slap of reality can knock the sense into anybody.'

With a frown I looked over to my companion. 'I had no idea.' I murmured.

The Commander tilted his head with a smirk 'Is this what has been troubling you?.'. He held a grin now that would not be wiped despite my disapproving frown. The words of Leliana regarding Cullen had scarred my very soul for over a month and to now hear Cullen simply disregard it all in jest. I felt more than a little ashamed for my incorrect assumptions.

'Leliana made me think Sierra-.'

'Broke my heart?' taunted Cullen 'No, I fear that is the minstrel in Leliana coming out to cause mischief. Besides, I was somewhat distracted by what happened to my fellow templars at the tower to take anything else too personally. That, I confess, may have broken my heart.'. A silence came over us for a mere few seconds but it felt like an eternity, before Cullen looked up to me again. 'When I saw what Sierra had become, when I saw what she was becoming, I knew it was not the person I had fallen for in the tower in former days. I assume Leliana mentioned how Sierra tried to murder her in the Temple of Sacred Ashes after tainting the ashes of Andraste with dragon's blood?'

'Yes she did,' I replied as if still in shock by the fact 'I was mortified. No one mentions that in the stories.'

'Of course not!' chortled Cullen 'I can't imagine the truth is ever good for tale telling. No story will defend the actions of Loghain Mac Tir, no matter what the truth might actually reveal in itself. Nor do they mention that the Hero of Ferelden practiced blood magic while trying to defeat the darkspawn!' He sighed wearily, emptying his glass hastily 'Sierra Amell has earned her title as the Hero of Ferelden, but heroes are not always pure of heart. Even if you put aside the fact that she tried to kill our master of spies, Sierra's choices were something I could never accept. She was a blood mage. Her actions stemmed with an objective to serve herself. Leliana grew to know her quite well as they travelled together, and was kind enough to inform me of her true nature. I assure you, whatever I may have felt in my younger days, I have no feelings for our beloved Hero of Ferelden.' He strummed his fingers on the table, amused at my silence 'Dare I ask, is the Inquisitor...jealous?' Cullen grinned in wicked delight, running his fingers across the unshaven ruggedness of his chin as he observed me from across the table.

Rolling my eyes I poured another wine too hastily, spilling the contents onto the table in undignified slurps 'I had simply thought she was your one true love.'

'Do you always believe people are hopeless romantic vessels of unrequited love and torment? Or is that just reserved for me?' Cullen asked with a chuckle.

I looked up at him in sudden anger 'I was away for over a month, and every recruit was lined up to greet our return. Half of Skyhold perhaps! Where were you? Did I even cross your mind while I was away, risking my life and nearly losing it a dozen times over?'

In a series of unbecoming dramatic gestures, I stood up and paced over to the window, trying to distract myself with the dark view outside. I wanted to ask him why he didn't love me, scream it at his face like a child throwing a tantrum, but something held me back. A final sceric of dignity perhaps...