Amidst the Shadows Ch. 04

'That is a stupid question.' growled Cullen 'Do you equate me waiting eagerly at the gate, like some idiotic puppy, to mean I care more for you? We are running a fucking Inquisition here. I am responsible for more than your ever jaded feelings.'. He downed the last of the liquid in his goblet in agitation, clearly vexed by my accusations. A shadow fell across Cullen's face, and his eyes grew stormy as he turned around to me. 'You cannot imagine what thoughts go through my mind every time you leave Skyhold' he muttered bitterly 'You do not know how many times I wished it was I who received that mark of Corypheus. I am not afraid to sacrifice my life, and all that I am to this cause. Yet to know that you have that burden. To know that you could not return one of these days...'. The Commander shook his head 'Do not ask me why I do not wait for you to ride in through those gates.'. He looked furiously towards me, standing up from the table 'This is why we cannot be together. I will not be the one responsible for your pain. I told you that.'

'You are already doing that.' I scowled 'Don't you understand? You could have done anything, anything at all, and I wouldn't care less. All I want is you Cullen. You.'

With more than a few obscenities under his breath, Cullen slammed his fist hard against the wooden beam of the bed, shuddering the frame. 'By the Maker, you are a mage Trevelyn!' he roared 'A mage. You could be corrupted by a demon at any time, and turn into one of the many abominations that I saw at the Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall. Do you think I can see you in any other light?'

'I am not an abomination.' I retorted darkly.

'What? Should I take your word on that?' he sneered 'Oh, okay then! Do you know how many mages, like you, have claimed they were in control only to have turned into abominations? And do you know what I did to those mages, in Kirkwall under Meredith's orders?'. The Commander started to laugh a drawn out and contorted laugh, black as night and deranged as a maddening waltz. It was the kind of laugh that made one uneasy. 'We executed and tranquilised mages, hundreds of them.' continued Cullen 'Put out the light in their eyes, one by one. Meredith may have been harsh in her methods but she was right. If you give mages even an inch of freedom, they will abuse it. Wherever I turn, this is what happens eventually to the mages around me. You all cry injustice and yet do you ever think of the victims that have suffered under the foul hand of your magic? You know what I think of mages. Do you not understand? I will never trust you, and you most certainly will never trust me. I have hurt your kind, and maker preserve me I never do that to you...'

Cullen looked accusingly at me, waiting for a reply as I stood there with a pained expression carved across my face. His chest was rising and falling heavily, and I could hear him breathing in and out deeply, obviously distraught at the reality that lay before him. Was I really that abhorrent to him? How could someone that meant so much to me think so little of me in return. It seemed cruel and unfair, and I knew the only way to replace the hurt I was feeling was to hurt him more.

With a look that could have killed, I drew my palm wide and uttered some words under my breath, drawing a bright orange flame ball to my hand suddenly. In all honesty, there was no reason for the act except to punish the Commander's cruel words. If he truly despised mages and magic, if he truly could only hate me, then I hoped he would strike me down now and end my suffering.

The look in Cullen's eyes told me how much this act hurt him. A flash of brilliant blue light emitted from his hands as he performed a spell purge on the area. The shock of the purge knocked me flat against the wall behind me, the flame in my hands diminishing without a moments hesitation. Before I could gain my balance, a pair of firm hands pushed me hard against the wall, Cullen breathing rapidly now as he held my hands in place.

'Don't you ever do that in my presence again.' he growled, eyes lowered into mine threateningly.

I tried to move but was defenseless under his tight grip. 'Or what, Commander?' I yelled back 'Will you turn me into a fucking tranquil?'

Panting with rage, Cullen pressed himself against me as I struggled to escape, squeezing his grasp on my wrists tighter and tighter against the wall until I yelped in pain.

'This is what you wanted, isn't it?' hissed Cullen 'For me to hurt you? Is this what you want from me? Maker be damned for throwing you into my path, I would have preferred Corypheus himself. Curse you for plaguing my thoughts and haunting my dreams, until I question my very own sanity, for no one should feel the things I feel towards you.'

I could scarce feel my wrists anymore, the blinding pain searing into numbness. Holding his gaze I remained calm and became quiet. 'Do what you must Cullen.' I murmured sadly 'You could never hurt me.'

The words echoed in the room, like a sad toll of a chantry bell when someone had passed, wiping the hardened frown on Cullen's face. Heavily breathing, Cullen drew his panting lips to mine, suddenly releasing my hands in order to wrap his own tight around my waist and pull me towards him, devouring me in a deep kiss that threatened to drown us both in it's intensity. Still constrained, the ex-templar used his torso to hold me against the wall, consuming me in a series of laps and sucks and lips, biting and pulling my bottom lip before starting all over again.

Finally pulling away, Cullen held my face firmly in his hands, pressing his forehead against mine. 'How can I possibly hate something that makes me feel like this?' he murmured 'You mean too much to me and it terrifies me. I keep on pushing you away because I fear to lose you. What madness possesses anyone to do such a thing?'

'I would never hurt you.' I whispered with a quivering lip 'I'm so sorry for casting magic. I would never use magic on you. I would willingly wish it away forever if it gave you even a moments peace.'

Cullen brought a finger to my lip 'Shhh, I won't hear it. I deserved worse for what I said. Forgive me and my temper. I am better than that.'. His sandy waves of hair fell down across his brow as he lowered his gaze from mine.

Bringing my hands to his face, I drew his eyes back to mine. 'You could never hurt me.' I murmured 'Let me in and I will never leave your side, I swear it.'

He shook his head, placing another soft kiss on my lips before withdrawing 'Foolish girl. You are already in.'. Cullen cast me an unimpressed look with a grin 'I knew you would be trouble for me, and it turns out I was right.'

I wanted to laugh but the seriousness engulfed me. 'I can't convince you to trust me as a mage,' I pleaded 'and I understand that. I really do. But know this, there is nothing you can tell me that would change how I feel about you. Nothing.'

Cullen nodded briefly, perhaps unconvinced by my claim 'In time you will get to know me, and we will see. Until then, I can only assure you that you have nothing to fear from me. I would never hurt you intentionally. That is all I can promise.'

The faint light of the sun on the horizon began to dimly light the skies outside, and we retired, Cullen and I, to the bed out of sheer exhaustion. Wrapping his arms around me, we fell asleep in each others embrace as the new day approached, unaware of the turbulent night we had endured. Of all the moments we had experienced until that point, I remember never feeling so intimately connected to Cullen as I did on that rickety old bed in Ortik's Inn in the wee hours of the morning, blissfully entwined in a deep slumber. The warmth of his breath on my neck and the soft throbbing of his pulse against my skin, these were the most precious gifts I could ever have received from Commander Cullen.