Amnesty

This had been a stupid thing to do. She could have gotten alcohol poisoning, and for what? Just to prove a damn point? Something I knew for a fact and one she wouldn't accept.

I carried her sorry ass upstairs to our bedroom. She was murmuring something, but I didn't have a clue what she was trying to say to me. I pulled back the covers and laid her down on the bed. She was almost asleep and close to passing out—probably both.

I stripped off her clothes, made sure I won the bet the only way she would truly understand. I fucked her not once but twice. Finally, I wrote a long note on her stomach with a black marker telling her exactly what I'd done. I kissed her, told her I loved her, and left. I knew she'd never remember a damn thing, but I was still out of there. Without the trust we once had, all that was left was just an empty shell of what had once been something pretty damn good.

I took only as much money as I needed to survive for a while and gave the rest to my dad to give back to Kate. I might be pig-headed, but I'm not a total ass. I still didn't know where I'd end up. I just needed to get the hell out of there and start my life over—a life that now sucked the big one.

You've never really experienced winter until you've worked on an oil pipeline in Fargo, North Dakota in January. It's damn cold, the wind always seems to be blowing, and there isn't a friggin thing to do unless ice fishing or snowmobiling interests you.

Sometimes it isn't what you know, it's who you know. My office skills are the same as a million other guys out there, which meant just picking up another job wasn't going to happen. A long time friend of my father's is connected to the oil industry. After leaving Kate I gave Greg a call. I needed both his help and his silence.

With no experience I couldn't get a job on the Alaskan pipeline, and working out in the Atlantic on an oilrig looked like cruel and inhumane punishment—so Fargo was my next choice. The money wasn't bad, not as much as I was making before, but I answered to no one except the field supervisor.

I rented a small room complete with a tiny kitchen and even smaller bathroom. I ate most meals out, and sent about thirty percent of what I made to my dad for my two children, not Kate. I mailed them cards and letters, wishing I'd brought my laptop from home so I could have also sent e-mails. Maybe I'd have my dad pick it up from the house and send it to me.

My parents kept me updated and sent pictures of my two children, which they took when they stopped over at the house for a visit. Cards were exchanged, hugs passed on. Though my parents knew where I was I had made them promise me that Kate wasn't to be given that information. I figured I was most likely already divorced for abandonment, but neither my mother or father ever mentioned it, nor did they forward me any papers, or tell me anything else about her, only about Gary and Angie.

Although life was hard, I felt good about myself for the first time in a long while. I was doing something I thought I could never physically do, and was probably in the best shape of my life—well, since I was in my early twenties, anyway. I didn't even bother to cut my hair on my head or on my face. After a year my hair had grown completely out, and I sported a great looking beard. I had an ulterior motive for the beard, hoping a little extra facial hair would help keep my face a little warmer.

I worked for twelve straight months when I decided I needed a break.

"I'm coming home soon for a short visit, please tell no one," were the only instructions I left for my mom and dad. I made it back on Thursday just before midnight and had a little reunion with my parents until about three in the morning, when I couldn't keep my eyes open another second. After being on the road for over sixteen hours, sleep was what I most needed.

My mother stuck her head in my room at noon to tell me lunch was on the table. I needed to shower and dress and to get my ass downstairs. I never argued with my mother.

With my hair pulled back in a pony tail and dressed in shorts and a tee shirt, I looked nothing like the businessman I used to be. I looked in the mirror and thought I should be riding a Harley instead of driving the four-door Kia I'd left in thirteen months ago. With over a year under my belt working the pipeline, I figured when I decided to return, I could probably sign on with a more experienced crew, and make a lot more money.

Thirty seconds after my feet hit the kitchen floor I had two kids hanging onto my waist. Hugs and kisses were given. Tears were shed and finally apologies choked out. If they were still mad at me they didn't show it.

Lunch was on the table and stories and experiences were exchanged. I never brought up their mother and neither did they. Even though I kind of wanted to know how she was doing, I was afraid to ask. I'd been with a few women in the last year, they were there solely to satisfy a need and that was all. Maybe I'd stop by and say hello before I left again.

"Dad, you don't look anything like you did when you left," Gary said, stuffing his face.

"I like the way he looks," Angie added her opinion. "He looks like one of those lumberjacks you see on TV."

"Kids, where I was, it was no television show, that I can promise you. By the way, how's your mother doing?" There, I'd said it, and by the look on everyone's face maybe I shouldn't have brought her up.

"She's fine, still working at the same place as before." That told me jack shit.

"Dad, did you tell her I'm home for a visit?"

"Son, the kids are here, aren't they? How could she not know?" Okay, it was a stupid question and since no one was telling me what I wanted, I let it drop.

I spent a wonderful afternoon with my children. They were sticking to me like glue; almost afraid if they didn't I'd disappear again. When Dad told me he had to take them home, they weren't happy.

"Why don't you come home with us? You can see Mom and have dinner with us."

"Guys, if I know one thing for certain, I know I'm the last person in the world your mother wants to see. Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere for a while. Besides, I still need to get the rest of my tools out of the garage at the house before I leave." I couldn't read the look they gave me, but it had been a long thirteen months, and I would need to learn all over again how to talk to kids.

After my dad left with my children I confronted my mom. "Mom, no bull shit, how are they doing?"

"Things were a little tense for a while and there was more than enough anger to go around. Your dad was on everyone's shit list for months. Finally they realized it wasn't all your fault. Kate did take it pretty hard, though."

"Good!"

"Stephen Moore, what a rotten thing to say!" my mother reprimanded me, taking me to task.

"Mom, it didn't have to be this way, she just wouldn't give me a fucking break. She was the one that drove me away. I'm sorry for my kids, not for Kate." My mom was giving me the Christian evil eye. "It's not like I wish her ill, but she killed our marriage, not me."

My mother was not letting it go. "The good book says Jesus forgave the men that nailed him to the cross." She pointed her index finger at me. "And you can't forgive a stupid woman who overreacted and made a few mistakes in judgment?"

"Mom, I've asked myself that very question every night for the last year, I never came up with a good answer. At least she knew before I left that something can happen without you even remembering it." I let it drop and at that point, so did she.

I took a turn around town on Saturday catching up with a few friends. No one recognized me; I had fun with that.

I saw Kevin and Amy Saturday night at one of the local watering holes. I told the bartender to take them each a drink and tipped my beer when they were delivered. They must have stared at me for half an hour before Kevin finally walked over to thank me.

"Do I know you?" he asked hesitantly.

"You still getting blowjobs from hookers when you pass out?'

"Holy fuck! Steve?" We laughed and hugged. He yelled for Amy to come over. With them, it was like I never left.

"Have you seen Kate yet?" Amy asked, then thought about what she'd asked.

"Nope, no reason to."

"But Steve, didn't your kids tell you?" Kevin immediately stopped her.

"Amy, it's none of our business. What the hell have you been up to? What's with the hair and beard?" The look he gave Amy after that told me something was going on—my mother and now Amy—there was something no one was telling me.

I slept like a baby Saturday night only to be dragged out of bed Sunday morning at nine to go to church. I don't hate church. It's just that I no longer saw a purpose in it. God never answered my prayers back when I begged for help before I left. Since he turned his back on me, I did the same to him.

Nothing had changed. Mom wanted to show me off to everyone, knowing that I'd left under not such good circumstances, but I was back and looking better than ever. Mom always was proud of me.

Sundays were usually set-aside for family dinners. It was potluck and everyone brought something. Since this was my first one in over a year, it felt good to be home, if only for a little while.

How long am I home for? Where did I plan on going next, and what's up with the hair and beard? Everyone wanted to know all the personal dirt, including if I was seeing anyone.

"I don't have much free time, and all the hot women aren't flocking to Fargo, North Dakota, especially in the wintertime, to hunt for a husband," I tried to explain to the group.

Mom was putting out the food when she dropped the bomb on me. I think she purposely waited until everyone started arriving so I'd have to stick around.

"I've invited Gary, Angie, and Kate over for lunch today." She waited for the explosion.

"No problem. I can't hide from her forever especially since we share a couple of kids together." Mom gave me a double take hearing that statement. "Besides, I'll need to go over to the house and get the rest of my stuff before I leave." Who was I kidding? It had been over thirteen months and I was dying to see her. I had thought about her more times than not lying alone in my cold bed, trying to replay in my mind how we'd let it get away from us. And then there was the night I left. I really think Kate expected to see me there when she finally woke up, only by that time all I wanted to do was prove a point. I think I accomplished that task pretty damn well before I left. So I waited.

I noticed Gary first when he made his way out onto the deck followed closely by Angie. I gave them each a big hug lifting Angie up above my head, swinging her around. She laughed, or more so screamed, until I let her down.

"Mom's here," is how Angie started it. "Dad, she's not going to recognize you. Dad, please don't get mad and argue in front of everyone. Please?" Her please was as much a question as a statement.

"Don't worry; I won't embarrass you, or even myself for that matter. I'll be nice and put on my happy face, okay?" Gary smiled at me, Angie wasn't so sure. Why was everyone afraid I'd make an ass of myself?

When Kate didn't come out on the deck, I excused myself from the group of cousins and friends I'd been reminiscing with and went to search her out. I found her just outside the kitchen talking to my mom.

She looked just like I remembered her, maybe a little thinner, and her hair a bit shorter, but it suited her. Like always Mom was holding someone's baby. It seemed she always had someone's baby in her arms at these get-togethers. So, I took a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other.

"Been a while, Kate," I said to her back as my mom watched me walk up. She turned around, looked, and took a second take.

"If it wasn't for the voice, I never would have recognized you. You look good—different but good." There was no hug, handshake, or even a kiss on the cheek. Okay, I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it looks like I got the same Kate I'd left so many months ago—an unfeeling woman who had basically shut me out months before I actually left. Or maybe she was just playing hard to get. I laughed to myself at that thought and said bitch under my breath.

I tried to say something to ease the situation. "I like what you did with your hair, it looks nice." Damn, I was like a dumb teenager trying to get words out without making a total fool of myself. I almost spiraled out of control and crashed. Shit, I was probably going to next start talking about the weather when my mom interceded.

"Here," she said to Kate. "Take David, I've got to check on the food in the oven. Look, you two need to talk, and you can't do that with me and everyone else listening in. Why don't you go for a walk down by the park? We won't be eating for at least forty-five minutes. I'll make sure the kids are looked after." Looks like we weren't given a choice—Mom saw to that.

I expected Kate to hand the baby back to my mom, but she just repositioned it in her arms and started walking towards the front door without so much as looking back at me. Guess she was taking charge like always. I almost stopped and turned around except I had promised my kids I'd play nice even if it killed me.

The park was across the street and down half a block. We walked in total silence. Perhaps she was waiting to get there before starting in on me, only this time I was prepared. When we came to a group of four picnic tables she stopped and turned to face me. The look on her face wasn't anger—I wasn't sure what it was.

"Well?"

"Well, what?" I replied.

"What the hell do you mean? Well, what? You take off in the middle of the night almost fourteen months ago, without so much as a word, and now you don't have anything to say? How about sorry? Do you have any idea what your leaving did to your kids? They cried for days. I know you were angry with me, but to take it out on them was inexcusable." She was giving it to me tooth and nail. "I am glad that you lied about the money. You were right. I would have lost the house. Steve, aren't you the least bit sorry?"

I knew I'd have to answer that question, and I'd rehearsed my reply a thousand times over.

"Are you? Are you sorry for making my life a living hell? Are you sorry about killing what was once a great marriage? You've still got that same bullshit attitude, and to answer you truthfully, no, I'm not sorry I left."

"Good, for a minute there I thought you were going to wimp out on me." Now that one took me by surprise. "I guess I went a little overboard."

"A little? Jesus Christ, Kate, you were a fucking shrew."

"All right, maybe I was, but you weren't so lily white yourself."

"Look, I don't want to dredge up the past. It's over and done with. We can't replay it. Somehow things got totally out of whack, with you letting me know in no uncertain terms you were done with me."

"Steve, don't put words in my mouth, I never said that. All I said was I didn't believe you on what happened that night."

"Shit, is that's all you've got to say, Kate? I'll have to hand it to you though, I never in a million years thought you could have downed those three bottles. I thought I might just have to make a run to the store when you finally did pass out." I was on a roll. "Now the ten thousand dollar question, did you remember anything?" She was still quiet but couldn't take her eyes off mine when she finally answered me in a soft voice.

"Okay, you were right. I never would have believed it, but you proved your point. Boy, did you ever. Did you have to write your Dear Kate letter on my stomach with an indelible black marker? First of all, your two children saw it before me the next morning because when they got home I was still asleep. Secondly, I couldn't read what you wrote, even in the mirror so I had to double mirror it." I was smiling. I'd never thought about that and imagining Kate running around trying to read what I'd written gave me a little added pleasure.

"Don't look so smug, because I've saved the best for last, mister high and mighty. You were right, I didn't remember anything after the second bottle. It didn't take me long to realize what had happened the next morning, but by then you were long gone. By the looks of me it appears you had a pretty good time." She was the one smiling now. "Did I respond in any way that night?"

"Believe it or not, you enjoyed yourself. Your body went with the flow and for a while I thought you'd actually woken up. Needless to say, you didn't." I was the one smiling now or was until her final volley.

"Well, if I would have known what you were planning I would have had this conversation with you back then. You see Steve, since we weren't doing anything, I went off the pill for about a month to give my body a break. Here," she said handing me the baby. "Say hello to your son, David." I looked at her and then back at the baby.

"No way. You're not going to try and pawn off some other guy's kid on me as mine. I'm not that stupid."

"Thought you might say that so I had a DNA test done on him, Gary, and Angie. And guess what? They all have the same mother and father, imagine that?"

This was not the conversation I was supposed to be having with Kate.

"Now, you've got the same options you gave me. We can go back and live as a couple again and go to counseling, or we can separate for real and get a divorce. And let me make it perfectly clear, I don't want option that option no matter what you think."

"If you'll recall, you never picked any of my options. You just left me hanging."

"Okay, I admit it, I was wrong. I was being a royal pain in the ass, but you hurt me. You humiliated me in front of all our friends and then kept denying everything even after I watched it with my own eyes. Do you know that stag party was directly or indirectly responsible for three divorces? That doesn't even include our separation. I'm giving you the same options and the same three days you gave me. I only hope you make a better choice than I did. Well, with that said, we need to head back before they send out a search party."

With David in my arms we started walking back. "Who else knows about this?"

"Everyone! Think about it, Steve. You take off and leave me pregnant. All our friends thought you were an uncaring louse until I explained to them how it happened, or thought it happened. Then when you didn't come back our parents and friends all pitched in to help. I was adamant you not be told because your dad knew you'd come running back. I didn't want you on those terms. Still your dad knew you would return, he just wasn't sure when."

"That's why no one mentioned you whenever I asked."

"What were they going to say? 'Oh, by the way, you knocked up Kate the night you left and have another son?'

"Why did you name him David?"

"Well, David slew a giant. I figured I'd need David to slay our giant problems when you finally decided to come back. You are back, aren't you?" That one I didn't have an answer to.

My mom watched us walk in and I think gave a sigh of relief that at least we hadn't killed one another. She strolled over, grabbed David from me, and told me I'd have plenty of time later to get to know my son.

"You two go eat something before it's all gone."

We watched each other the rest of the afternoon, never finding a chance to talk alone again.

"Dad, are you angry with Mom?" Angie asked, pulling up a chair next to mine. "Gary and I wanted to tell you but they wouldn't let us. You'll like David. He's a good baby, hardly ever cries." She was desperately trying to make her case.

"I'm not mad at David, how can you be mad at a baby?" Now Kate was another matter.

At four o'clock the brunch broke up. Everyone said their goodbyes, not knowing if they'd see me again. Kate said she had a million things to do at home and also had to leave.