Amy and Brian Ch. 04

Brian opened his front door and walked through the hallway. He quickly found Amy, sitting quietly on the living room couch, in the dark. Brian didn't know it, but this was where Amy had mostly been since her carefully constructed world began to crash in on her two nights ago. She barely ate, she barely slept, she mostly just sat in a ball on the couch, crying and cursing herself.

The only person she told of what happened was her mother; her kids were staying there and she wanted to make sure they were OK. She hadn't planned on saying anything; given what her mother had gone through she felt like she would be more sympathetic to Brian, but in that moment she needed her Mom.

Helen was shocked at her daughter's confession. Given how she felt about her father and the lingering hatred she still held for what he did, Amy was the last person Helen felt she needed to worry about doing something like this. But as she thought about it, and began to put herself in her daughter's shoes, she started to understand at least.

Amy had always put so much pressure on herself to live up to expectations. This was true even before her father's scandal; until that point she wanted to live up to his expectations. After that, she was determined mostly to prove that she was better than her father, and her mother saw her work so hard to be the best at everything. In the end, you can only do that for so long before you need a way to release the pressure, the stress you put on yourself.

It didn't excuse her daughter's behavior, but Amy was her daughter, her youngest, her baby. Helen knew she needed to be there for her, to be her non-judgmental support. Last night, she told the kids she needed to run a few errands, and left them in the care of a neighbor friend for a few hours. She needed to be there for her daughter, if only for a little bit.

Mostly, Helen just held Amy as she cried and explained the entire awful story. How she had started with Chris, why she couldn't bring herself to stop it, everything regarding Johnny, and finally the last few terrible days. Helen did say much, she just tried to process it all.

Amy finally told her mother what she had been holding in all these years; how she had found her father on that awful day before his scandal came out, and how it killed her to hold that secret for so many years. Her Mom was stunned, but not for a second did she hold her daughter responsible for anything that happened with her husband, and she let Amy know that. She wished her daughter would have told her this sooner; maybe it would have healed her quicker and much of what she was facing could have been avoided.

Ultimately, she gave her daughter the only advice she could think of; Amy needed to be completely honest with Brian, tell him everything and answer all his questions. It was the only way she could hope they would find a way to move past it. Everything had to be out in the open, as painful as it may be.

In truth, Helen didn't have great hope her daughter could save her marriage. Though she had stayed with her husband, for a long time after finding out about his secret life, it was largely a charade. Almost all of her love for her husband had died that awful day she picked up that newspaper. Nothing he could say would have changed it.

She did reunite with him for several years when Amy started college, but that was more about her than him. She was lonely, with all her kids out of the house, and afraid of living out her golden years alone. David seemed like a changed man, so she latched on to him; he was the one other constant in her adult life, besides her kids.

But it had been a mistake, and she realized it almost immediately. David was still up to the same old tricks. He had changed briefly to woo her back, but once he had her again the old David returned. Finally, she had enough and kicked him out, for good.

Her mother's advice and experience was on Amy's mind as Brian opened the door and entered the house. She had no idea how this would play out, but she so badly wanted to fix this.

"Hi, how are you," she said coming to the door to greet him.

"How do you think I am?" he snapped. Forcing himself to calm down, he said, "Let's just get through today, I don't want to ruin the kids' mood."

"Are we going to tell them anything," Amy asked. "Are you staying here tonight?"

"No," Brian replied. "We'll pick them up, and then I'll tell them an emergency surgery came up." It was a believable excuse that had actually happened many times before.

"Are you going to stay with her, again?" Amy asked.

"No, I'll stay at a hotel tonight," Brian answered. At this point, staying with Cat was not the best idea, as much as he wanted to.

"That gets us through tonight, what about tomorrow, and the day after," Amy said. "At some point, you have to talk at me, be able to look at me."

"I know, but I can't yet," Brian said. "One day at a time. Let's go get the kids."

Brian and Amy picked up the kids at her mother's house. Brian noticed her mother giving him a wary, but sympathetic look. 'Well, if anyone can relate it's her, but she's still Amy's mother,' thought Brian.

The kids noticed something was off, for a couple who had spent a whole weekend together their parents seemed very distant toward each other. Plus their father's left hand was bandaged, and he didn't have a great excuse for it; it almost looked like he punched a wall or something similar. Their eyebrows raised more upon their return, when their father announced he had to perform an emergency surgery. But this had happened before, and they figured whatever happened between Mom and Dad would pass.

Brian went to a hotel and gathered his thoughts. Amy was right; he knew he couldn't keep putting this off. He had to talk to her and face their problems. But did he really want to face them? Wouldn't it be better to end it now, to rip the band aid off so to speak? Not for the first time that night, he thought of Cat and the last two nights. It would be so easy to run away from his problems and be with her.

But he owed it to his kids to figure this out. He didn't want to give up on his marriage just yet. He thought of Liz, and what she was probably thinking at this point; she told him she thought many times of ending it, but stayed with it until she knew what she wanted. Brian needed to give it time and figure that out for himself.

On Monday at work, he saw Cat; it was almost impossible not to run into her at some point. They both didn't want to let on to their colleagues what had happened this weekend, and late in the afternoon Cat found the time to visit Brian in his office when no one else was around.

"Is everything OK," she asked him with concern.

"Yes...no...I don't know," he replied. "I still can't really face things yet. I stayed at a hotel last night, but I need to go home; my kids are not blind, I can only tell them I have surgeries so many nights."

Cat wished there was something she could do to ease his pain. Problem was, she knew what could accomplish that, but it was a bad idea right now. As much as she wanted him, as much as she felt herself developing strong feelings for him, she would be taking advantage of him if she did that anymore.

"I'm here, if you need to talk," she said, rubbing his arm. Though she meant it as a friend, the contact sent a bolt of electricity through both of them, as they remembered the events of the weekend.

"Thanks, but I need to get home, maybe another time," Brian replied. He couldn't go down that road right now; it wouldn't be fair to anyone.

So Brian went home, and attempted to begin the healing process. He spent the night with his family, and when his kids went to bed, he used the guest room. He had to be at work early anyway, before his kids needed to get up for school; they likely wouldn't notice.

But the Harris children noticed things were not good between their parents, and it concerned them. Word had not gotten out about the specifics of Amy's affair with Josh; the Andersons decided to focus on healing their son, and had no desire to broadcast his pain in public to get back at Amy.

But there were enough whispers among the parents of classmates about troubles in the Harris marriage, and specifically that Amy had been having an affair. Several of the neighbors had heard the commotion that Friday night, and put two and two together.

These whispers got back to the kids, and they confronted their mother. Amy at first tried to explain, and then finally told them what happened. While leaving out specifics, she let her kids know that she had messed up repeatedly, and hurt their father. When Brian returned that night, he was faced with three crying, angry kids who hated their mother at the moment.

He was upset that Amy told them without him; he had wanted to be there to help ease their pain. In the moment, that became his sole emotion, and he began to yell at Amy, without really thinking about the fact that his kids could hear them.

Part of the reason he was so upset was that he got a sobering piece of news the other day. The DNA tests were back, and it was conclusive that Chris was Johnny's biological father. He was still coming to terms with what this meant. As he looked at Johnny, he could now see the resemblance to Chris, and he cursed himself for being so blind to it all these years.

And in his darkest moments, he wondered if this would forever change his relationship with Johnny. Could he get past this and still be his father? But every time he saw Johnny smile at him, he was able to push these feelings aside. Johnny needed him; all his children needed him in this moment. He couldn't take it out on them, for better or worse they were his kids. Fatherhood meant so much more than a donation of sperm, Brian realized.

But it only made him focus his anger on his wife, for putting him in the position where he had to explain all of this to their son one day. And in this moment Amy had given him the perfect outlet to vent.

"How could you just tell them like that, without me," Brian shouted at his wife. "Haven't you done enough to ruin this family!"

"I'm sorry, they heard rumors, I didn't know what to do," Amy cried. "I couldn't lie to them anymore. Don't worry, they hate me not you!"

After a while, Brian stopped yelling at his wife and went to look after his kids. They were full of questions: Were they getting divorced? Why did Mom do it? What's going to happen to us?

Brian didn't have any good answers to their questions, but told them no decisions had been made about divorce. He was trying to work through things with their mother. He urged them not to take it out on her; that she had screwed up but she needed their support. At this moment, the kids would have none of it, their mother had ruined their lives as far as they were concerned.

Amy felt that way too, but she had no idea what to do or how to fix it. Her husband simply wouldn't talk to her, except to yell. She understood this, but they needed to work through it at some point. No matter what she tried though, she couldn't get him to talk. And now that the secret was out and he didn't have to put up a façade at home, there were more late nights at the hospital for Brian.

On one of those nights, he ran into Cat, who was also working a night shift. She saw immediately that things were not going well for Brian, and went up to talk to him in the cafeteria during their breaks.

"This seat taken," Cat said with a smile as she came up to Brian staring off into space.

"No, please sit, it's nice to see your face, your smile," he said, with more than a little meaning.

"How are things?" she asked simply as she sat down.

"Not good," he answered. "All I can seem to do is yell at Amy; our kids just found out most of what happened. Right now, they refuse to talk to her, and I can barely be in the house to console them."

"Also, the DNA test came back for Johnny, I'm not his biological father," Brian continued sadly.

"Brian, I'm sorry," Cat said consolingly. "But like you told me, it wouldn't change how you felt about him."

"It doesn't, he's mine," said Brian definitively. "But it doesn't help me get over my anger toward his mother."

"Anger is understandable, but you have to let some of that go," she responded. "Until you do, you're never going to figure out what you want or what your kids need."

"I know, I'm trying, it's just not as easy as it sounds," he replied.

"Well like you say, one day at a time," she offered with another smile.

'God, I could get lost in that smile, and those beautiful eyes,' thought Brian. Cat was so nice and kind. And so beautiful.

"What time do you get off?" he asked with a knowing glance.

Though both knew it was not the best idea, a few hours later they found themselves back at her apartment, with Brian slamming into her from behind, like that last night together. In a way, he was taking out a lot of his anger and aggression here, but Cat was only encouraging him.

"HARDER!, HARDER!, I missed you inside me," she moaned, turning her head to kiss him passionately.

"Yeah, Yeah, I'm gonna cum soon," he replied, knowing how she wanted it.

Immediately, she turned around and repositioned them, with Brian on top. He looked different as he resumed his thrusting into her, she thought, there seemed to be more anger in him. So she reached up and began to caress his face, and it turned him almost instantly.

He kissed her hand and continued to piston in and out of her, but he began to lose himself in the pleasure. Cat did as well and quickly both were reaching their peaks, in the position that had become second nature to them it seemed.

"I'm close Cat, I can feel it," Brian groaned with his forehead against Cat's.

"You know how I want it," was all she said. He took several more strokes then unloaded himself inside her, both of them moaning in ecstasy. Like before, she lovingly caressed his back as their orgasms subsided and his penis softened.

As he rolled off her, Cat moved on her side and rubbed his chest.

"You seemed pretty angry during that," she said.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be that rough," he said, then began to smile. "But you helped bring me back."

"I like doing that," she replied, reaching out to kiss him, for a long moment. "But should we be doing this right now?"

"I don't care, I need this, I need you," he said. "I can't be without you right now."

That night was the first of many over the next three months. He told Amy and the kids he was staying at a hotel, but most nights he was here in this bed, with Cat. They spent a lot of the time wearing out her bed springs, but they also talked a lot, and not just about Brian's current situation. They learned a lot about each other and their histories.

Cat told him about the time her college boyfriend cheated on her with her sorority sister. It didn't remotely compare to his situation, but she wanted him to know that life did move on after a betrayal. And increasingly, she wanted him to move on with her. The extra time she spent with him and the more she learned about him only confirmed her feelings; she was falling in love with Brian. And this was not good, because she realized he still hadn't faced his problems yet.

Brian realized this too, he could never hope to move on until he figured his marriage out. As much as it pained him, he told Cat they needed to stop again, and that he was going to move back home and give his marriage a try. He owed that to his kids, he felt.

Cat understood, she had expected this conversation, and knew she never had a chance until this happened. But it still left her heartbroken; she wished they had never started up again. Gradually, she tried to avoid Brian at work whenever possible; it was just too difficult for both of them. As she told herself after that first weekend, she began to search the job market for other opportunities.

When Brian first told his wife he wanted to give it a go and try to make their marriage work, she was overjoyed. The kids had also finally begun talking to her in more than one syllable, so she saw some light at the end of the tunnel. She suspected her husband had been seeing someone; he never seemed to be in the hotel room he claimed to be staying at. But now that he was back she hoped that was over.

But she quickly realized it was not as easy as she hoped. She had been seeing a therapist on her own, and when she went to marriage counseling with Brian she poured her heart out to him, and why she felt she acted like she did. She talked about the pressure she put on herself to be perfect for everyone, about the loneliness she felt, how it may have driven her to draw pleasure and excitement in a secret life.

But it felt like excuses to her, and she realized to Brian as well. How could she explain things when she didn't really understand herself? All she could do was promise it would never happen again; but she knew that it was an empty promise considering how much she had betrayed him.

At times it felt like it was working; that Brian was coming back to her; usually it was when they were around their kids, who were happy their parents were at least trying. But very quickly Brian would pull away from her again, and it felt like they were back at square one. 'Every time he looks at Johnny, the anger towards me comes back,' she realized.

Brian was trying his best to get past that, but as long as he was with Amy, he felt like he couldn't let go how she had betrayed him. Maybe the best thing he could do was end the marriage; in some kind of reverse logic he felt like maybe he could rebuild a friendship with Amy as they worked through the process, like his mother and father had.

And when he was most honest with himself, he didn't see how he could continue being her husband. He made initial consultations with divorce lawyers, but couldn't bring himself to pull the trigger. Brian had come to think of his marriage as similar to having a parent on life support. He had seen this so many times working at the hospital. Realistically, the family understands there isn't any way their loved one is going to get better; but some small level of hope prevents them from pulling the plug for a long time. For a long time, Brian's hope was his kids; he didn't want to break their hearts and admit the truth.

It continued like this for almost nine months since the awful discovery. Brian was in his office, putting in another long day of paperwork. When he wasn't with his kids, he found himself here more and more, even on nights and weekends; at times where he may be obligated to spend additional time with Amy, he realized.

He had tried to get past things, for himself and his children, and even for Amy in a way (most of the blinding anger he had once felt had long since dissipated), but he just found himself unable to forgive her. He remembered his talk with Liz, it was at around this point that she had begun to see her husband again, rather than the man who betrayed her, and she realized she wanted to make it work. Brian couldn't really see any of that in Amy, and increasingly wondered if he ever would.

But he was determined to still work at it; it was the only way he knew how to be, you work at a problem harder and harder and eventually you find a solution to fix it. At this point, he heard a knock at his door, and a familiar face entered, one that he had not spoken to in a while.

"Hi, Dr. Harris...Brian, can I come in," said the soft female voice as she entered his office.

"Absolutely Cat, good to see you, how is everything?" Brian said with a smile. He had missed their talks, and other things, he realized in the moment. But he quickly noticed Cat had a look of sadness on her face.

"I just wanted to let you know that I accepted a position at Children's Hospital, in their Pediatric Cardiology department," Cat told him.