An Absence of Trust

I had no such excuse for my behavior. I was selfish. It all boiled down to that. It was always about what I wanted. I had been blind to it just as Ginny had been blind to her alcoholism. Howard's harsh words had jolted me and forced me to admit to my self-centered behavior. But I could change. I knew I could change. It wouldn't even be hard. I'd just have to be more thoughtful of others. I could do that. I would do that.

When we finished the dishes, we walked to the living room and sat where we had sat on Wednesday evening. It was my turn. How to begin? I took a deep breath.

"Howard ... I want first to apologize. I want to apologize for hurting you and for being so stupid as to think you would accept my ... intended behavior. I don't know what I was thinking, but it wasn't rational. Worse than that, I don't know what brought it on. It certainly wasn't you. I have never for a moment thought you were less than a superb lover and a deeply caring man.

"Perhaps I took that for granted after all these years. Perhaps I had become so used to your love and support that I didn't value it the way I should have. I don't know, but I need to find out.

"You were wrong about my not having a real friend. I do have one. Virginia Maarden. Ginny is my closest friend ... after you of course. She is my confidant. Someone I can talk to without fear of it being passed along as gossip. Someone who has been through the wars and can be honest with me. I value her advice. I should have listened to it.

"She told me I was crazy to even think of having an affair. She told me that you were the perfect husband and I should value that above anything else. She told me that if ... when you found out ... I wouldn't be able to control the consequences. She was right of course.

"In my own confused mind I thought that if I told you what I wanted to do, you would understand somehow. I didn't want to go behind your back. I didn't want to deceive you. I never for a moment wanted to humiliate or belittle you. It just never entered my mind. But I did, didn't I. I did humiliate and belittle you. Just telling you what I wanted was enough, wasn't it."

I looked at Howard carefully. I don't know what kind of reaction I expected, but he remained calm and composed. I pushed on.

"I don't know how to tell you how ashamed I am of what I have done to you and how sorry I am. I know an apology is not enough. Ginny has recommended a psychiatrist that she says can help me. I do need help to understand why I behaved the way I did. I will call her next week to see if she will accept me as a patient.

"You must know by now that I will do anything to preserve our marriage. I love you with all my heart and I can't imagine my life without you. I am begging you to give me another chance. I will agree to anything that will keep us together. Anything!

"Ginny suggested marriage counseling. I'm willing to if you are. I want us to be together for the rest of our lives. I want that more than anything, including my career. I'll give it up tomorrow if that's what you want. Nothing is more important than you in my life.

"I know I've been selfish, but I can change. I can make myself a better person. I can reconnect with our old friends. I can be more considerate of you. It won't be hard to do. It isn't that I've forgotten how. I just need to remind myself to be more thoughtful of others."

I paused again to collect my thoughts. I watched Howard carefully. He was calm but alert. His eyes told me he was absorbing everything I said.

"Howard, I want to tell you ... to assure you ... that I have never been unfaithful to you. Never! And I never will be. I have wiped away any idea that I could do such a thing to you. I saw the hurt and pain that I caused you and I couldn't live with myself if I did something like that to you."

Again, I paused. I was hoping to see some reaction in Howard's face, but again, he was calm and unresponsive. I wondered if he believed me.

"I know that I haven't treated you very well. I mean, not treating you as my partner and the most important person in my life. I think its part of the selfishness I've succumbed to. I promise that I will change. You are far too important to me not to acknowledge that to our friends and associates. Again, I can only apologize for my actions. I'm ashamed of the things I've done that belittle you and demean your importance to me.

"You have asked me to be honest. To be honest to you and to myself. I've tried to do that today. You've shaken me very thoroughly with your words the other night. I still haven't quite recovered from them. I was so frightened and disturbed by them. I had to try hard to understand all the things that I had done to you. Not just my foolish idea to be unfaithful. The other things.

"It hurt to find out that you were right. These were the things I didn't want to know about myself ... to admit to myself. I've tried very hard to be honest with you. I don't know what else to say. I haven't lied to you tonight. I have never been unfaithful and I don't intend to be. I admit my failings as a wife and partner. These are things I can change. I know they are things I have to change.

"If there's nothing else I can say, I will only say that I love you. I love you with all my heart. I love you just as I have loved you from the day we met. That hasn't changed and I don't think it ever could. Above all, I need to know that you still love me. I just don't know what else there is to say."

I was done. I had said everything I could think of. I had answered his questions, his demands. They couldn't be any doubt that I was sincere. Once again, I was exhausted. I had bottled up my emotions and let them spill out in the past few minutes. I was past tears. I'm not a weeper, I knew, but I was past tears. Now it was a matter of awaiting Howard's decision.

I leaned back and looked at the quiet composed man who was my husband. His face was in his hands now, but when he removed them, I saw the tears. Tears! He was crying. Not sobbing, not wailing, but tears trickled down his cheeks as he looked at me with the most forlorn look I had ever seen on him.

"I'm sorry, Edie. I believe you. I believe you have been faithful. I believe you want to change. I believe you love me. I believe you are ashamed of what you have done to us. I believe all of that. But I don't believe you have been honest."

I gasped. What did he mean? I saw him react to my shock.

"There is something that you've been hiding from me for a long time. Something that has hurt me more than I ever realized I could be hurt. Something you could not bring yourself to tell me, no matter how much you wanted to. Do you know what it is, Edie?"

I nodded. He knew. How, I don't know and it didn't matter. He knew and he wouldn't forgive me for it. I knew now it was over. My fate was sealed. I collapsed back in my chair.

"You denied me my family ... our family. Our children ... even our grandchildren. You knew how important that was to me. You knew that was something we both said we wanted in our lives. Somehow you changed your mind. I was the only one who meant it. You chose to deny me that gift.

"I might have got past it if you had been honest and admitted what you had done. Even at this late date, I might have been able to forgive. But you just couldn't bring yourself to tell me, could you?

"I will instruct my lawyer to draw up the papers on Monday. I will move my things while you are out of the house next week. I will take a few clothes with me tonight and stay at a hotel. I'll let you know which one if an emergency comes up.

"I thought you would want to know that I will be taking a 'buy-out' from TC&W. They are downsizing while times are tough and they've offered me a very fair settlement to go early. In a few months, when I'm settled, I'll probably start my own business. I have a lot of useful years left. I'll keep myself busy.

"I'm sorry, Edie. I had really hoped you could find the courage to tell me your darkest secret. I'm sorry you couldn't. I wish you well."

I watched him stand, the tracks of the tears still visible on his face as he slowly walked out of the room and upstairs. I was paralyzed in place. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I wanted to scream at him to stay, to keep me safe, to hold me, to love me again. Instead, I did nothing. I sat staring at the chair he had been sitting in. It was empty. As empty as my life would be.

Epilogue: Howard

I was relieved that I wasn't pressed to find work and reshape my life right away. I needed the time to recover from the week that undid my whole universe. I found a very nice, small apartment in Cambridge that suited my needs perfectly. I bought some furniture that I liked in colors that I liked, and settled in. It would do for now.

I took a vacation. I wanted to go someplace to forget. Someplace that Edie and I hadn't been to. No memories. It was May and I chose the south of France. I rented a car and drove from Monaco to Narbonne, from Marseille to Orange. I absorbed the surroundings and the people and the wonderful cuisine. I was happy for a time.

I sat in a seaside café in Sainte-Maxime, wondering if I could live here. I didn't need much. I could look after myself. My business could be run by remote via the internet if need be. Perhaps, living here among the French, I could forget. Perhaps. For now, I would return to Boston and think about it some more. I'm still trying to get used to being lonely.

Epilogue: Edith

Ginny took me away from the chaos of my failed marriage. I was a mess. I couldn't work, I couldn't think, I just sat around our house and went through the motions of living.

She took me to Seattle and an Alaska cruise. It was the isolation and escape I needed. Thank god for Ginny. She has been my anchor these past weeks. My business seems to run itself. I have very good help. I'm sure my absence has been noticed at the various social functions, but with my divorce being public, I suppose they'll understand.

Neither Ginny nor I need to work any more. Both of us have accumulated enough to last us much longer than we will live. I've never been one to spend recklessly. I had to fight with Howard's lawyer to get him to accept a larger settlement from me. He deserved at least that and yet he wanted so little.

I don't think there will be another man in my life. I just can't bring myself to replace him. If there ever was, I would know not to do the things to him that I did to Howard. No matter what, I'll be lonely. I'll have Ginny and all my friends from the business, but I won't have Howard. There won't be another Howard. There was only ever one of him.

The End

As always, my thanks to ErikThread for his editing skills and helpful advice. Any errors or omissions are mine.