An End To Loneliness

(This story is a continuation. It isn't necessary, but you may wish to read the first chapter, "Surrender at Loon Lake". In either case, enjoy.)

No secret agency has ever devised a torture that can torment you any worse than tortures that are of our making.

I hadn't intended to put myself through such hell. If anyone had told me that this was to be the result, I never would have gotten myself into this situation to begin with. What person in their right mind would purposely set out to so thoroughly destroy the very underpinnings of their own life that it would cause this incredible heartache and despair?

No, I never even considered the consequences of my actions at the time. If the truth be told, I hadn't thought things through at all. I had simply acted on instinct. For once, in my forty-three years of life, I had thrown caution to the wind and hadn't over-thought my every action.

Some people (my sister Meg, for sure) would applaud me for acting on my impulses and daring to satisfy my needs. However, deviating from my usual safe behavior had led me to this state that I was now experiencing.

If only I could turn back the hands of the clock and undo everything!

The events that I am referring to occurred over the Labor Day weekend at the beginning of this past September. It had started out harmlessly enough. I was spending the week before returning to my job teaching fourth grade in a small town in Vermont, at a rustic home in Loon Lake. The old house had been in our family since well before I was even born.

There – in a place that had been the setting for so many idyllic memories from my youth – I had allowed myself to be seduced by a twenty-four year old tattooed contractor with whom I had not exchanged even one word during the preceding week.

I'm sorry if that sounds so tawdry. Even speaking about it nearly two months later, I am overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and shame. It was cheap and unseemly and something that I never would have dreamed that I would be involved in.

But, it was something else as well. It was also the most passionate and erotic encounter of my entire life. Not that I had a whole catalog of erotic experiences to compare it to. I had had a grand total of three lovers in my life before that day and none for the better part of the past decade.

Jerry (that was his name) must have been able to sense the loneliness and deep hunger that had lain dormant inside me. I had done such a remarkable job of burying those feelings inside me that I wasn't even aware of them myself. Once uncovered, those deep yearnings had me writhing uncontrollably beneath his young, muscular body. I had cried out more loudly, strained against him harder, and climaxed more explosively than I had in my entire life.

I don't want to give the impression that Jerry had taken advantage of me. Though, perhaps, it would be easier on my conscience to lay all of the blame on him, I know that I could have put a stop to it at any time. Unfortunately (or maybe, fortunately) I had been a more than willing participant in the proceedings.

That was my undoing.

Once those feelings of loneliness and desire had been unleashed, there was no going back to my dull and conservative life. I thought that when I returned to my home and work, I would magically be transformed back into the person that I was before any of that had happened.

Where, once I had taken such refuge in the peaceful and tranquil life that I had made for myself, I now found myself crying at the oddest times. Simple gardening or taking a leisurely stroll had been activities that had always given me great pleasure. Now, my eyes had been opened and I saw other couples doing things together and enjoying each other's company. It made me acutely ware of just how isolated I had become from the outside world.

I had always liked living alone. My home was my sanctuary where I could leave all of the stresses of the world behind. I had nobody to make any demands on me. My time was for me alone. I could spend hours upon hours in my favorite activities of all – reading and writing in my journal.

All of a sudden, my home began to feel more like a trap than any sanctuary. I would pace from room to room for no apparent reason. The silence grew into a deafening roar that I thought would split my head wide open.

At least, going back to work gave me something to finally occupy my mind. It helped, but it certainly didn't cure the emptiness inside me that threatened to consume me. I threw myself deeper into my work and ever so slowly I began to gather control of my feelings once again.

I was beginning to feel like I had gotten a handle back on my life – and not a moment too soon. However, that all changed this past Tuesday. That was the day that I got a call on my cell phone as I labored to put up a new display on our classroom bulletin board after school. I had scrambled to answer the ring – thinking that it would be either my mother or perhaps my sister. That was when I heard his voice.

"Hello Sandra."

I froze in my tracks! I instantly recognized Jerry's voice on the line. Instantly, I could feel my heart rate increase.

"Hello?", I replied with an effort to pretend that I didn't know who it was on the other end of the line.

"It's Jerry, Sandra", he said, "How have you been? I've been thinking about you a lot."

I didn't know what to say! Here, this young man – nearly twenty years younger than me – had me tongue-tied like I was a blushing school girl.

"Oh! Hi", I replied, still trying to maintain my façade of not having recognized his voice. "I've been quite well, thank you. How are you?"

Incredible! I had spent every moment of the past seven weeks trying to forget that our unseemly little episode had never happened. Yet, just hearing his low, sexy voice on the phone had my body reacting to him just as it had that night so long ago. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest, my breathing had become perceptively deeper, and I could feel a sweat breaking out all over my body.

"Well, I've been doing my best to stay out of trouble. You know – ", he continued as if our speaking on the phone was the most natural thing in the world to him.

Without even thinking about it, I walked over and closed the door to my classroom. Instinctively, I was seeking out some modicum of privacy – wishing to share my young man with no one else. The blinds had already been closed against the glare of the late day sun and it lent an air of intimacy to the surroundings.

"I must admit," I stammered, "that I was a bit surprised to hear your voice."

I walked over and sank myself into the leather chair behind my desk. This was a place where I was accustomed to feeling very much in control of whatever was happening in my classroom. I craved any help that I could get in trying to hold onto my bearings, while just the sound of this young man's voice was making my body and soul react in ways that I had worked so hard to overcome.

"You sound upset," he began, "did I call you at a bad time?"

There it was! He was offering me a tailor-made out. It was the middle of the day. He knew that I was a teacher and that I would most likely be at work. One small word from me and I would be free again.

"No," I responded, "I'm not busy at all. You just caught me a little unaware, that's all. What can I do for you?"

I heard him give a small chuckle over the line. I blushed deeply as I wondered if he was imagining the same scene that was running through my head at that very moment - a scene of two desperately hungry souls straining to slake the overpowering desire that raged within them. Two naked bodies writhing against each other on that old four-poster bed at my family's cabin in the woods. Fingers, lips, and tongues set loose to seek out as much pleasure as they could conceivably find as their passions grew into a flame that neither of them had ever experienced before.

"Yeah, you probably have trouble even remembering who I am, don't you?" he asked with a slight tease in his voice.

"No," I stammered, "of course I remember you."

"You do, do you?" he replied, "I hope they've been...nice thoughts."

I tried my hardest to control my breathing. How could this young man have such power over me? Did he even know how he was affecting me with just the sound of his voice? Did he enjoy toying with me like this?

I hesitated – not knowing how or what to say. I could feel the heat rising in my face and the warmth slowly spreading throughout my entire body. He didn't rush in to fill the gap either and the silence on the line seemed to last an eternity.

Finally, he said, "I'm going to take that as a 'yes'. That's good, too. Do you know why?"

"No. Why?" I heard my voice saying as if I had no control over it whatsoever.

"Because I've been thinking about you too, Sandra," he said, "I've been thinking about you a lot."

I felt my eyes close at his words and the sound of my heart pounding in my ears increased seven-fold. My hand came up involuntarily to the side of my chin as he went on, "That night at the cabin has not left my mind."

I sank back deeper into my chair. I gave a small intake of air and my fingers crept down along my chin to the soft flesh of my neck. I couldn't have willed my voice into action if my whole life depended upon it. Luckily for me, Jerry filled the silence.

"I keep thinking about how I held you that night. The way your body felt next to mine."

My hand dipped lower along the line of my throat. My breathing came harder and I could have sworn that Jerry must be able to hear it through the phone. I squirmed slightly in my chair – my pantyhose covered legs rubbing together. With each rise and fall of my chest, I could feel my hardening nipples pressing against the confines of my bra.

Jerry continued, "I can even still hear the sound of your voice as you squealed while we made love. I remember the smell of your hair and the taste of your lips."

Without even realizing it, my hand had begun to part the opening at the collar of my blouse. My fingers played along the sensitive flesh of my collar bone. I felt myself falling deeper and deeper as I listened to the low timbre of this young man's voice.

Jerry's voice changed instantly. "But, that's not the reason that I'm calling," he said so matter-of-factly, "Actually it was your Uncle Pete who gave me your number and said that I should call you."

I felt as if I had been hit with a cold bucket of water. I instantly sat up in my seat and scrambled to regain my wits.

"W – What? My Uncle Pete?" I croaked.

"Yes," he replied, "We finished the job on the leach field and he said he was too busy to come out and take a look. He gave me your number and said that I should give you a call about coming up to inspect it. He said something about Cadillacs."

"Cadillacs?" I wondered out loud. I thought perhaps that my mind was still too clouded with lust and that I must have heard him wrong. Suddenly it dawned on me. "Oh! Cataracts! He was supposed to have some surgery for his cataracts."

"Cadillacs? Cataracts? Who knows?" Jerry chuckled into the phone. "Anyways, I asked him about the pretty lady that had been staying there right before the holiday. I'm surprised that he didn't call you to let you know to expect my call."

Pretty Lady?

Had I heard that correctly or was it just a trick that my mind was playing on me? How could this man send my emotions on such a rollercoaster ride?

"No," I replied, "he never mentioned anything to me about it. Besides, I really wouldn't know anything about inspecting a leech field. I had better give him a call and tell him to find someone else to do it."

Jerry answered quickly, "There's nothing to it. We just drop a dye tablet into the toilet, flush it, and then run the shower for about 10 minutes. Then, we go outside to see if any of the dye comes to the surface."

He actually sounded so professional and made it seem pretty easy. And, after all, Uncle Pete was in no condition to be driving all of that way up to Loon Lake on those twisting roads.

"That sounds easy enough," I said.

"Don't worry, Sandra. I'll go slowly and be very gentle with you," came his reply in that very manly low voice,

I could feel my pulse again begin to increase. I shook my head to chase away the thoughts that threatened to return. I just had to clear my mind and stop acting so foolishly.

"When do you want me?" I asked and instantly regretted the way that must sound to his ears.

I could swear that I heard him give that little chuckle of his, but I couldn't be sure. "How about Friday? Around eleven? It's really the only time that I can make it," said Jerry.

"This Friday?" I blurted, "I couldn't possibly make it Friday. I have a job, you know?"

"Take a day off. It's beautiful up here. We won't have many days like this left this year", he answered. "Don't think. Just go ahead and take a chance. You did once before and that didn't turn out so badly, did it?"

I could feel myself tipping. I was right on the verge of saying yes when the door to my room swung suddenly open. In walked Janice Cartwright, the Principal of our school..

"Oh, good! You're still here," she said and then looked around the darkened room. "Why are you sitting here in the dark?"

"I was just getting ready to leave, myself, Janice," I answered.

I could hear Jerry's voice in my ear, "Who is that?" he asked.

"Okay," said Janice, "Did you get my email about next week's staff meeting?"

Jerry once again piped in, "Is that your boss?"

"Yes," I replied to both of them simultaneously. Then to just Janice, "It was changed to Thursday night instead. I got it."

"Tell her you need Friday off," insisted Jerry.

"Good," replied Janise, "I was afraid that everyone might not see it. Well, see you tomorrow, Sandra."

She was just turning to leave when Jerry's voice appeared in my ear once again, "Tell her, Sandra!"

"Janice," I called out.

She stopped and looked back in at me. "I'm talking with my mother on the phone –", I started.

I could once again hear Jerry's soft chuckle.

"- she needs me to take her to her doctor's appointment on Friday. Do you think that I could have the day off?" I finished.

I secretly wished that she would say no. It would be an easy way out of the situation that I found myself falling deeper into by the minute.

Janice thought about it for a second. Then, she shrugged and asked, "Do you have lesson plans prepared for the day?"

"Yes," I answered.

Jerry said into my ear, "Mother? Tell her the truth. Tell her about how my tongue felt running along your sexy neck."

Janice smiled and said, "Sandra, you haven't taken a personal day in the past three years. Go ahead...and tell your mom 'hi' for me."

With that she turned and left the room. Jerry's voice was back in my ear again, "Sandra Perkins! You continue to surprise me. I didn't think that you had it in you."

I was proud of myself and angry with Jerry at the same time. "You idiot! You almost got me in trouble!" I scolded him.

I heard his deep laughter over the line. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I was just funnin' you. I'll see you. Friday? Eleven?" he replied.

"Friday," I answered, "At eleven".

I closed my phone and sat there in my chair stunned. Had this really just happened? Had that young man that I had given into in a moment of weakness really called me here at work and made arrangements for us to be together alone at the very place where I had allowed him to seduce me in the first place? This must be somebody else's life. This sort of thing just didn't happen in the peaceful, predictable life of Sandra Perkins.

I spent the rest of the week in a whirlwind. I did my best to tell myself that I was just acting foolish. It hadn't been easy, but at some point in my life I had come to terms with the fact that I would never get married or have children. I had made peace with that decision. My one great love, Stephen, had been taken from me in a car crash many years ago. No man could ever live up to what he had meant to me and , even though all of my family and friends spent countless hours trying to convince me otherwise, I believed in my soul that it was true.

It wasn't as if it was a conscious decision that I would remain alone. I was very much just like everybody else. I wanted to be able to share my life with someone else – to have someone there to listen to me and to hold me. It was just that whenever a possibility came up of becoming involved with another man, I would feel in my heart that I was being untrue to Stephen's memory.

Who was I kidding? This young contractor certainly was not the sort of person that I could ever become that attracted to. He was uneducated, unpolished, and covered in tattoos, for crying out loud! Had my solitude led me to this point? Did I actually think that there could ever be any type of romance between the two of us?

Besides, there was also the fact that I was nearly twenty years older than him. Did I think that he could possibly look at me in that way? To him, I had most likely been an easy target – a mere convenience that had presented itself. Hadn't he invaded my privacy by inviting himself into the cabin while I had been occupied upstairs? Furthermore, hadn't he also took it upon himself to thumb through my very private journal without permission while I had been completely naked in the shower just one floor above him?

Such were the thoughts that kept running through my head during that long week. A part of me desperately wishing to connect with another soul, while another part screamed at me to get a hold of myself. I spent a quarter of the time with a feeling of anticipation. The other three-fourths of the time I was scolding myself and feeling shame for what I was thinking. However, I would be lying to you if I told you that the small amount of time that I spent in that state of delicious anticipation hadn't been worth it.

On Thursday I stopped to get my hair done after work. I tried to convince myself that this was nothing out of the ordinary – that it was my regularly scheduled day, but I knew in my heart that it wasn't true. Even Doris, my stylist, had made a comment about not expecting me so soon. Hopefully, I didn't blush too much when she said that.

Friday morning arrived soon enough and I found myself once again driving that familiar road out to Loon Lake. Aunt Rose had stopped by the night before and brought me a check to give to the workers and to thank me for going through so much trouble.

"You've always been the solid, dependable one in the family," she had said, "I don't know what we would do without you."

Solid? Dependable? Wouldn't Aunt Rose be surprised to know that the man I was going out to the property to meet had once had her favorite niece naked beneath his heaving body on the very bed that she and Uncle Pete slept on when they were at the camp!

It was an uncommonly warm day for late October as I made my way out to the cabin. I tried to concentrate on the songs playing on the radio to keep my mind off of what the day might hold for me. Try as I might to keep myself distracted, it didn't do much good. My palms were sweaty on the steering wheel and my mind kept drifting off to places where it had no business going.

I arrived at the old family place to find a battered old van with "Edward's Excavating" printed on the side and the front door to the cabin opened. I gripped the steering wheel tighter and tried to control the sudden urge that I had to hyperventilate.

I stared through the glare on the windshield and thought to myself, "This is it, Sandra. You could leave now and return to your everyday life. You could just call him and say that something came up at the last second." Or, I could go ahead and see where this leads me. The safe and predictable, or the spontaneous and exciting?