An Ideal World?

She looked up at me. I glanced into her eyes for a moment, then let my gaze move down the front of her dress. It was a great angle; I could clearly see the swell of her breasts. As she looked away and bent forward to clean the polish from the floor, I let my eyes wander over the rest of her body. Not that I could see much else with her nicely rounded arse facing me though. My body began its usual instant response and I moved to ease the discomfort.

I waited until she finished cleaning the mess. In the way of the English, I offered her my arm and helped her to stand. She was about 5'8", not much shorter than me. She was pretty too. Black hair with tight curls, clear dark brown eyes set against her dark skin. She wasn't full black African though; her nose was distinctly European in shape. The name badge on her uniform read 'Thandi'.

"I'm sorry Sir for the mess. I've cleaned it up. I'll come back later to finish the rest of your room," her voice was quiet, a little breathless, eyes not quite meeting mine.

"Yes, I'd like to see you later. About 8 o'clock, ok?" Realising I hadn't let her hand go, I pulled her toward me before she could answer and kissed her full lips. She moved away a little in surprise. I saw she understood what I wanted from her though. My desire was reflected in her eyes. She nodded in agreement. I watched her gather her cleaning equipment and walk gracefully out the door.

I opened the door to her at 8. She walked into the room and straight into my arms. There was no hesitation. We both wanted to know the other intimately; wasting no time we walked hand in hand to the bedroom. I undressed her slowly; my eyes travelled the full length of her well-proportioned naked body as she lay on the bed. My desire for her was obvious as I undressed.

Even with my tanned body I still looked pale as I lay beside her. My white hand held her dark breast with its hard nipple. It looked and felt so perfect to hold her. To kiss her was like sinking into a warm oblivion. Nothing else existed. Closing my eyes she filled my senses, arousing me to aching need. I knew she felt momentary pain as I entered her hot tight body. I tasted the salty tears as I kissed her face. Our lovemaking lasted the whole night. Her natural delight in the pleasure I gave her was arousing in itself. It seemed we would never have enough of each other. In the hours of the morning, we slept contentedly, our legs entwined.

I awoke as the sun hit my face. Reaching across the bed I found it empty. Her clothes had gone from the chair. She'd left the hotel. The feeling of being alone yet again washed over me. I quashed it down.

I showered, drank coffee and thought about her. In a way she'd reminded me of the last virgin I took. Almost twenty years ago to the day and not more than 20 minutes drive from where I was staying right now.

I'd met that one accidentally. I'd left my motorbike at the hotel deciding to take a bus to the city instead. I'd been waiting at the bus stop when she came in to shelter from the rain. I hadn't seen the 'Black Only' sign.

I'd read a little about the segregation in South Africa, but hadn't experienced much at first hand, having basically kept to my hotel room since I'd arrived three days earlier. In no uncertain terms she had told me I shouldn't be there, I'd chosen the wrong bus stop. It hadn't taken long for us to begin chatting though. We kept contact with each other in the two weeks I was in her country, meeting in secrecy every day. Back then, it wasn't the done thing for a coloured girl to spend time with a white man. We couldn't eat together publicly either. Apartheid reared its ugly head even in restaurants.

So, we met usually at night in my hotel room. The inevitable happened. Her intelligence had drawn me initially, while her beauty held me. We made love on my bed. The first time my entry had been painful, but she'd welcomed my loving, had even begged for more.

My return ticket that time only had two weeks left. We spent every moment of every night together. Parting was difficult for us both. I couldn't take her with me, she knew she couldn't leave her own country. We'd agreed to end our contact, to not write or phone. Now, twenty years later, I found myself wondering where she was. Wondering if she was married, if she had a family of her own.

I had no family; my parents had died in a car accident over thirty years ago. I preferred the nomadic lifestyle I'd been free to live ever since. Though England was my home, I'd managed to work and travel almost every continent intermittently. I didn't have the urge to settle. In fact, I was happier when I was living out of my backpack.

A knock brought me back to the present. Opening the wooden door I stood staring at her. Zanele, the woman I'd only moments ago been thinking and wondering about stood in front of me. She didn't look much different. A little thicker around the waist and face was about all. Her hair was still in the same style, her clothes similar. The intervening 20 years had added no wrinkles, but had enhanced her smile. Glancing down, I saw she wore no wedding ring.

"Hi Jake, I bet you didn't expect to ever see me again," her voice quiet but steady.

"No dear, I can't say I expected to, but I have hoped."

"I've only come to tell you something important. It turns out it's more important than I expected it would ever be," she twisted her fingers together.

"Come in then. Sit down and tell me," waving her to a chair. Sitting opposite, I relaxed back with calm composure and waited.

She took a deep breath. Straightening her back, looking directly into my eyes she spoke. "I know you've met Thandi. She told me this morning that she'd spent the night with you." A pause then, "What neither of you realise is that Thandi is our daughter."

My head spun with what she told me. Sitting forward in my chair, I covered my face with my hands needing time to digest her words.

I felt her arms wrap around me. She rocked me back and forth until my breathing calmed. My thoughts slowed and I inhaled her scent. She hadn't changed there either. My body began its usual instinctive reaction. Confusion filled me. How could it be that I wanted this woman when I had only hours before lain with her daughter? Lain with my own daughter. All the daggers of hell would descend on me now. I could never put right the wrong I'd done. I couldn't speak, couldn't utter the damning words that would push Zanele away from me forever.

"It's ok," she whispered. "I know what happened between you. Thandi told me everything. Beyond anything, I understand why it happened. Soon you'll see things will work out for the three of us," she smiled knowingly.

I held her tightly against me for a while. Then standing, I paced the room.

"I have an idea."

My head spun to her. "Oh yes? What can we possibly do about this? It can't continue and yet how will I stop loving two women? Do I choose between you? Do I leave and make sure I never return? What? What's your idea?" I stopped in front of her.

"We'll move to America. Find somewhere to live where people are non-judgmental. Live together as a family, loving each other as we wish to love."

As stupid a notion as it sounded, it held the answer to what I wanted. To what I'd been missing in my life. I hadn't realised it until that moment. I wanted them both and I wanted to make love to them both. Life without them wouldn't be worth existing in. But it wouldn't be possible to live that way in my English country village. The racism would be too much to live with. There was a chance it would be possible in South Africa.

"Why don't we live here?"

"Maybe in another 20 years a relationship like ours could survive here. Not yet. There's still too much ingrained apartheid around. It needs time to heal. America would be a good place to live. From what I've heard, people there are treated equally no matter what race or colour one is. We'd be freer there than anywhere else in the world," she looked at me hope etched on her face.

"Let me ask you a question," I stopped a moment to think before speaking again. Sitting down beside her, I took both of her hands in mine. Looking deeply into her eyes I asked "Why do you want us to live together with me able to make love to you both at any time I wanted?"

She smiled mysteriously. "I love you both."