Anal Sex Ain't No Laughing Matter

"Okay," she said thinking. "A rabbi, a priest, and a nun are in a boat about to have anal sex," she said.

Wanting to scream his insanity, he hid his face in his newspaper.

"God help me," he said gritting his teeth and clenching his fists. "No more rabbis, priest, and nuns. Just as the last one hundred rabbis, priest, and nun jokes weren't funny, I'm sure this rabbi, priest, and nun is not funny either."

Yet, not giving up, staying true to herself and to her calling to be a comedienne, she persevered.

"Okay," she said thinking. "Forget about the rabbi, priest, and nun. Forget I even mentioned a rabbi, a priest, and a nun. Erase a rabbi, a priest, and a nun from your mind. I'll never mention a rabbi, priest, and nun again," she said laughing.

"Good," he said.

"An American Indian, a black man, and a Jewish Princess are in a boat and about to have anal sex," she said with a giggle with what she was about to say next.

He put his newspaper down in his lap to look at his wife.

"I'm begging you Olivia. Please. Stop with the boats. Please stop with the anal sex jokes," he said. "I'm trying to do my crossword puzzle. I can't think with you incessantly telling me jokes that aren't funny. I can't keep a thought in my head without you saying knock, knock, or telling me about a trio of people who just aren't funny."

She looked at him and smiled. In the way he talked to her and sometimes looked at her, if she shot him dead right now, no jury would convict her.

"Okay, no more boats," she said thinking. "I won't tell you a joke with an American Indian, a black man, and a Jewish princesses. I have a better joke than that," she said waiting for him to pick up his newspaper and busy himself in his crossword puzzle again. "A Chinaman, a soldier, and a parochial school teacher are on a plane and about to have mile high anal sex," she said.

He looked at her with impatience. He looked at her with pent up sexual frustration. He looked at her as if he wanted to grab her by her hair, tear off her short skirt and panties, bend her over the couch, and bone her up her ass right there.

"Olivia, please," he said. "No boats, no planes, and no more anal sex jokes. Okay?"

She looked at him and smiled again.

"Okay, gotcha," she said pausing to think before speaking again. "A republican and a democratic senator are in the backseat of a car, a Cadillac, a black, shiny, Cadillac limousine and about to have anal sex with a sexy page," she said laughing at her own joke. "Political jokes are always funny."

He looked at her with anger. He looked at her as if he was a horny pirate away at sea too look when looking at a wench showing too much cleavage.

"Olivia! What must I do to make you stop telling these terrible, anal sex jokes? Please, I beg you. No boats, no planes, and no automobiles. No rabbis, priests, nuns, American Indians, black men, Jewish princesses, Chinamen, soldiers, parochial school teachers, republicans, democrats, and/or sexy pages. And above all, no anal sex jokes. Okay?"

Yet, once again, she looked at him and smiled before giggling, no doubt, with what she was thinking.

"Okay, no more jokes except for this one," she said thinking. "A sailor, a Marine, and a waitress are in a restaurant walking to their table when the sailor bends the waitress over the table, lifts up her short skirt, and pulls down her panties. Then, the Marine—"

He crumpled his newspaper and tossed it on the coffee table.

"Fuck! For the love of God, Olivia, no more jokes especially anal sex jokes," he said. "I can't take it anymore, especially with you refusing to give me anal sex. You're torturing me with these anal sex jokes."

Then, as if she had an epiphany, a moment of eureka, she beamed him a smile.

"Okay, I have something that's really funny," she said giving him a snide look. "Instead of telling you a joke about someone else having anal sex, what if I told you a joke about us having anal sex?"

He looked at her as if she had just kicked him in the testicles.

"Being that we don't have anal sex and have never had anal sex even though I'd love to sexually experience you anally, that is the joke. The joke is on me," he said with sadness. "The joke is that I will never, ever, have anal sex with you even though I want that more than anything."

He looked at her as if she had just lost her mind or was trying to make him lose his mind.

"Oh, c'mon, lighten up John. Don't be such a stick in the mud. It's just a joke," she said.

The very nerve of her to want to tell him a joke about them having anal sex, he looked at her with unmitigated, sexual frustration.

"Anal sex? Are you kidding me? You want to tell me a joke about us having anal sex. The joke is that we don't have anal sex even though I want nothing more than to have anal sex with you. Indeed, if there is a joke in all of this, the anal sex joke is on me," he said throwing his hands in the air.

He looked at her as if he wanted to strip her naked and sodomize her.

"Lighten up John. It's just sex," she said. "Get a grip."

He wanted to say for her to lighten up but he didn't. He wanted to say while fucking her in her ass that it's just anal sex but he didn't say that either. He imagined her not only enjoying anal sex but also wanting to have anal sex again and again. Maybe she's not into having anal sex with him. Maybe she'd be more willing to having anal sex if she was having anal sex with someone else, someone her own age perhaps. He never thought of that until now. If her having anal sex with someone else was his prelude to having anal sex with her, he'd agree to that. He'd watch her having anal sex with some young man before joining in to bone her up the ass.

"Tell me, what can you possibly know about anal sex to tell me in joke form that will make me laugh? You never had anal sex?" He pointed a finger of accusation at her as if she was on trial.

She shrugged her indifference.

"I don't have to be dead to tell you a joke about a ghost," she said shrugging her indifference.

He put his hand to his forehead.

"How can you possibly tell a joke about anal sex when you know nothing about the beautiful sexual pleasure of anal sex?"

He waved a disgusted hand at disinterest at her.

"Just because I haven't had anal sex doesn't mean that I can't joke about it," she said.

He looked at her with a mixture of anger, bitterness, and sexual frustration.

"Every time I try to have anal sex with you, you regale me with your non-stop, bathroom humor. Whenever I take more of an interest in your ass than with the rest of your beautiful body, you make a shitty remark and/or a crappy joke before pulling your nightgown down and rolling your ass away from me," he said with some repressed anger. They sat in silence before he spoke again. "I'll make a deal with you."

Her eyes lit up. She was always so easy. She was always so agreeable. The only time she wasn't cooperative was over him wanting to have anal sex with her.

"A deal? I like deals. What kind of a deal?"

Always so serious in his demeanor, looking at her with a devilish grin, he looked at her as if he was giving her a pop quiz.

"When you have anal sex with me is when you can tell me an anal sex joke," he said.

She made a face as if she had eaten something that didn't agree with her. She made a face as if she had gas and wanted to fart.

"That will never happen," she said under her breath while waving a hand of disinterest at him.

She looked at him with frustration in the way that he always looked at her with disappointment.

"You telling me an anal sex joke that will make me laugh will never happen either," he said in sad repartee.

Showing her disinterest with the topic of conversation, she shrugged and shook her head. Nonetheless, she persevered in her wanting to tell him an anal sex joke.

"Anal sex jokes are my best material. My audience loves my anal sex jokes," she said nodding her head up and down as if she needed that extra bit of head motion to convince him that she knew how to tell a good anal sex joke.

He looked at her in frustration, sexual and otherwise.

"After you refuse to have anal sex with me, don't you dare tell me another anal sex joke," he said pointing a finger of accusation at her again. "In the fifteen years, I've known you, we've never had anal sex. In the twelve years we've been married, never once have you relented in giving me what I want, anal sex," he said pounding his fisted hand in the air

She looked at him and smiled.

"Okay. This will cheer you up and get you out of your funky mood," she said thinking and pausing a long time before speaking again. "Two assholes walk in a bar—"

He tossed his glasses on the coffee table and pulled at his hair.

"Enough! I can't take this anymore," he said.

As if whatever he said to her about her stopping with the jokes didn't register, as if she was purposely trying to annoy him, she looked at him and smiled.

"Then, if you don't like my jokes, you tell me a joke," she said.

As if he had a moment of enlightenment, an epiphany and a moment of eureka, as if he was suddenly inspired to share his joke with her, he bit at her offer to tell her a joke.

"A joke? Seriously? You want me to tell you a joke? Is that it?"

Now he looked at her and smiled.

"Yes," she said folding her arms across her breasts. "Make me laugh," she said. "Go ahead. I dare you to make me laugh. I double dare you to make me laugh."

An expression he wasn't accustomed to showing on his stern face, he looked at her with happiness.

"You really want me to make you laugh?"

She looked at him with resolution.

"Yes," she said.

She beamed him a self-satisfied smile in the way he always gave her a superior look.

"You dare me to make you laugh," he said.

She smacked her lips again and again with a clucking sound as if imitating a chicken clucking.

"I do. I double dare you to make me laugh," she said. "Chicken," she said flapping her bent arms as if they were chicken wings. "Go ahead. I'm waiting for you to make me laugh."

She folded her arms across her breast again while obviously waiting for him to make her laugh.

"You double dare me to make you laugh?"

This time, she rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Consider yourself double dared grumpy grandpa," she said.

Only, instead of telling her a joke, he pulled his cell phone from his pocket and stood while walking towards the kitchen.

"Just give me a minute please. I need to make a phone call," he said holding up a finger as if he was in class and needed to take a call.

Excited before, with him leaving the room and abandoning her to call someone else, she acted rejected now.

"Okay," she said with a shrug while watching him disappear in the kitchen. "Are you calling someone to give you a joke to tell me," she said with a laugh.

John ignored her to talk on his cell phone.

"Hello? Hi. It's John. About that thing we discussed at the club the other night. Yeah. Let's do it. I want to go through with it. Okay? An hour? Really? Everyone? Okay. Great. Oh," he said whispering. "Yes, of course. Don't worry about the money. I'm fine with the money. Money is no problem. Whatever it cost is well worth it to me. How long? Being this is her first time and with that many people, I'd say four hours. Yeah, give me your best four hour rate. Oh, and tell the four women to bring their strap-on dildos. I'll see you in an hour," he said in a whisper before hanging up the phone.

He returned to the living room and sat in his chair. He looked at her and smiled at her in the way she always smiled at him.

"Who was that on the phone?"

He smiled at her again, this time with smugness.

"Just something I had to put in motion. You'll see in an hour," he said looking at his watch as if waiting for a bomb to go off.

When an hour had passed, there was a knock at the door.

"Knock, knock," he said standing and turning to her while laughing before walking to the door.

As if she didn't already know, she looked at him and smiled before innocently responding to his knock, knock with a sexually excited laugh.

"Who's there?" She said looking at him with feigned trepidation that hid her eager, sexual anticipation.

John opened his front door and there on his doorstep was a gathering of people from the Improv Strip Club. A rabbi, a priest, and a nun, an American Indian, a black man, and a Jewish princess, a Chinaman, a soldier, and a parochial school teacher, a republican, a democrat, and a sexy page, a sailor, a Marine, and a waitress all walked in his house.

"Hi, pleased to meet you. Hello. Nice outfit. I love your costume. Welcome," he said greeting them. Come in, come in," he said as if he was Bryan Cranston as Walter White from Breaking Bad and inviting drug dealers and murderers from the drug cartel in his house instead of strippers from the strip club.

With the crowd of strippers assembled before her, she looked from them to look at her husband before looking back at them.

"I don't get it," she said acting so innocently coy. She looked from the strippers to look at her husband again. "What is this a joke? Is this your idea of a joke? Is this what you think is funny? What's the joke?"

"You'll see," he said.

"I don't think this is funny at all John," she said winking at the strippers who lined her hall. "If anything I feel as if you're poking fun of me and my jokes by hiring costumed characters that appear in my jokes."

As if he had one some form of personal contest between the two of them, he looked at her victoriously and smiled.

"Yes, this is my joke to you. The joke is on you sweet cheeks," he said.

As if she didn't know what he was up to, a long time coming in her planning, she looked at him with a feigned, confused look on her face.

"It's funny that you've assembled all of the characters in my jokes but I still don't understand," she said. "What, pray tell, are they all doing here?"

He looked at her and returned her smile. As if he was a genie who just emerged from her bottle, he stood there with his hands on his hips.

"Anal sex ain't no joke," he said pointing a finger at her as if he was a lecturer giving a speech behind his podium. "Anal sex ain't no laughing matter," he said raising his voice as if he was a black preacher in a Baptist Church. "I'm sick to death of hearing you tell me a not so funny joke about two assholes walking in a bar," he said looking from her to look at the fifteen costumed standing there in his living room.

"John? I don't like your tone. You're making me nervous. You're making me afraid. I'm going to go to my mother's until you calm yourself," she said standing up to leave.

"Get her. Take her to the bedroom," he said leading the way.

Grabbing her and stripping off her clothes, they carried her into the bedroom naked. Once they deposited her on her bed, they all stripped off their clothes before sexually attacking her. In the way he was a 42-year-old, dirty, old man to be with a 22-year-old, young, somewhat innocent woman, he was now 57-year-old, dirty, old man still in his glory to be with a 37-year-old mature, anal sex virgin of a woman.

Conversely, albeit no doubt sexually feeling much the same as her husband feels being with her, she was a mature woman in her glory to be with 15, hard bodied strippers who were in their twenties. Something she's been waiting a long time to experience, she couldn't wait to be gangbanged anally. Touching her and feeling her where only her husband has touched and felt her in their fifteen years together, instead of screaming rape, seemingly, unbelievably, and shockingly she was enjoying the experience of having gangbang anal sex with ten men and five women.

One by one they all gave her anal sex. Taking turns as if assigned numbers the rabbi positioned himself behind Olivia. Lubricating her anal cavity, he slid his cock deep inside of her ass while the priest positioned himself in front of her for her to suck his cock. With her sucking and the rabbi humping they started their first of five three way swinging sexual encounters. Then, the priest took the rabbi's place while the nun squatted down for Olivia to lick her pussy. Then, it was the American Indian, the black man, and the Jewish princess's turn. When the priest was sexually sated, the nun impaled her strap-on dildo in Olivia's ass.

Now it was the American Indian, the black man, and the Jewish princess' turn for some oral and anal sex fun. When they finished it was the Chinaman, the soldier, and the parochial school teacher's turn. Ready for some oral and anal sex action as soon as the previous three finished, it was the next three's turn. The republican, the democrat, and the sexy page, took their turn with Olivia's willing mouth and shapely ass before the sailor, the Marine, and the waitress took their turns too.

Meanwhile, taking it all in, John sat in his bedroom chair that was perfectly positioned in the corner of the room. From there he watched all the oral and anal sexual action that his wife willingly gave to fifteen strippers while he masturbated himself three times. When the oral and anal gangbang was over and when John was fast asleep in his bed, Olivia went out to the kitchen to call her girlfriend Sheila.

"Sheila, it worked. It finally worked. John gave me what I so wanted, an oral and anal gangbang with 10 male strippers and five female strippers from the Improv Strip Club," she said.

"No way! I can't believe it. You did it. You really did it. You've been planning this for years. I can't believe you got that fuddy-duddy to agree to that. With him thinking it was all his idea, you had group oral and anal sex without your husband even suspecting that was your plan all along. Wow! I'm going to try that with my husband too," said Sheila. "I have to go," she said. "Knock, knock Marty," she said as she hung up the phone.

From that day forward, John was a happy man. With Olivia giving him all of the anal sex he could ever want, so long as he continued hiring a male stripper and/or female stripper or two to sexually pleasure her, she finally had her big break at the comedy club. Anal sex jokes where her bread and butter.

"Knock, knock," she'd said with a gleeful smile.

"Who's there?" Shouted the audience.

"Two assholes walk in a bar..."

THE END

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