Anal Sex is Still for Buttholes

My Grammy always said, "Ain't nothin' better when it's cold outside than hot apple cider." Well, let me tell you something, at 3 AM in the morning in Denver in February its darned cold outside and stuff.

I got to the club a little early 'cause I wanted to show the day shift girls my new snakeskin boots and stuff. I was always a little scared of gettin' snakeskin 'cause snakes are so mean and stuff but the guy at the store said they'd look great on me with a pair of cut-offs and stuff. So, I bought 'em even though there was no way I was wearin' cut-offs in February. But then I got an idea for a new costume and stuff so I wanted the girls to see it and tell me what they thought and stuff.

They all loved it o' course, ''cause it was just the boots and cut-offs that was cut up the sides clear to the waistband and a flannel shirt tied around my middle and stuff. I had a balconette bra and a T-bar underneath so I had more to take off and stuff ''cause that kinda teases the guys more and they like that so I try to give 'em a real show and stuff.

Like this one girl, she didn't last long, but it wasn't 'cause she wasn't pretty or nothin', but she thought she was too sexy to have to wear a costume and stuff and she didn't dance, she just "posed" and stuff. Well, she'd go out in nothing but a string bikini and as soon as she walked through the curtain she'd pull the stings and it'd all fall off. Then she'd stand there for a couple seconds then stand a different way, then she'd stand a different way and she just kept doing that.

We all said it was kinda dumb to even play any kind of music, but she had Richie play some weird Japanese music or somethin'. Now don't get me wrong, it was pretty music but it wasn't the kind of music guys get off watchin' naked girls to and stuff. She didn't get many tips or nothin' and after a few weeks she quit, sayin' the yokels 'round here didn't know nothin' 'bout a rotica, but I know rotten when I see it and she was rotten as a dancer and stuff.

Anyway, like I was sayin', the girls all liked the outfit and they said it looked good on me and called me 'Down Home Debbie' and stuff

Then Tony, my boss, came in and he was shiverin' and shakin' snow off him and cursin' ''cause it was so cold outside and stuff. I don't think he even noticed my costume and stuff, but that's ok ''cause the cold can be the stracting like that.

Well, I remembered what my Grammy said and so when Tony went to his office, I went out to the bar. Eddie said he didn't have any cider and asked me if shnops would do but I didn't know what that was so he just handed me a bottle of apple juice. I figured that was close enough.

So I took the bottle back to the dressing room to heat it up in the microwave but I don't know why they call it that ''cause it doesn't really wave and the plate inside doesn't even spin on ours. I put the bottle in there but I took the cap off first ''cause I learned the hard way that the bottle will blow up all over the place if you don't. If you didn't know that don't feel bad ''cause I blew up a few before someone told me.

Anyway, I musta left the bottle in there too long and stuff ''cause it got really hot and the label got all crinkly and turned funny colors so I just peeled it off, but it was still pretty warm when I took it back to Tony and when I went in his office he looked at me and said somethin' like "What do you want?"

I said, "I know you was feelin' cold so I brought you somethin' to make it better." Then I held the bottle out to him but he just looked at it. Then he said, "What the hell is that?" (I hope you don't mind me using bad words like that but that's just what he said and stuff)

So I said, "It's Apple juice, you big meanie."

And he said, "So why is it steaming? And where's the label? You peed in that bottle didn't you?" (He didn't say "peed" he said another word but it was mean so I changed it)

So I put the bottle on his desk and said, "No I didn't pee in it, it's apple juice like I said ''cause that's what my Grammy always said was the best thing, 'cept she said apple cider but Eddie didn't have no cider and I never heard of that shnops stuff but it sounded too much like snot and stuff so I got apple juice and heated it up in the microwave with the cap off so it wouldn't 'splode but the label melted and looked ickey and stuff so I took it off."

Tony just stared at me so I said, "Why would I give you a bottle of pee anyway?"

And he says, "I thought you might be getting even for when I yelled at you for having that breast deduction."

"Geeze, Tony," I says, "That was two years ago and I pull more customers than I ever did and stuff and my back doesn't hurt anymore so I don't call off like I used to. I knowed why you was mad but I thought you was over it ''cause you're always blowin' your top over somethin' and then you forget all about it the next day and stuff. I was tryin' to do somethin' nice for you and you get all spicious and stuff. See if I ever do anything for you again, you butthole. Just for that I might just quit and go to work for Liquor Dicks and stuff."

That's when he really changed his tunes 'cause Liquor Dicks is his biggest competition and stuff.

So he says, "Yer killin' me, Debbie. You really are! I'm gonna have a freakin' heart attack right here in this dang chair. (He said some more mean words there) Now your first set starts in a half an hour so why don't you go get dressed and tell Margi to give you a nice bonus on payday and we'll talk about you getting a couple more points of the cut sometime when we're both calm. Ok?"

Well, I said, "I AM dressed you big dumbhead. You didn't even notice, did you? I got new boots today and stuff and I came up with this for a costume so I could wear 'em and that means Margi can write 'em off on my taxes and stuff."

So Tony starts looking me over and stuff and he says, "You're right, Debbie, I never even noticed. I guess I just had my head in other things. You look fabulous, Doll. Makes me wanna toss you on the desk and bump uglies."

I said, "It's gonna be really ugly when I put my new boots up your butt for tryin' it. And it'd be even uglier if Margi walked in, 'specially since you just got in gaged and stuff."

"Now, Debbie, I was just joshin' ya. Just tryin' to say how good you look and all that. I didn't mean nothin' by it. You know that. Just don't tell Margi what I said, ''cause she'd cut my bag open and stick my leg through it. That's not only painful but it makes you walk funny. Ok?"

I said, "She knows you flirt with all the girls ''cause you always flirted with her when she was dancin' and she knows she's the one that got you so she must be pretty good so just relax and drink your juice."

Tony looked at the bottle again and smiled but I could tell he was grittin' his teeth underneath. He picked it up anyway and took a little sip and even licked his lips, so I just stuck my tongue out at him and walked out

Anyway, I always have the last dance set on Friday night ''cause the boss says I'm the best pull and it keeps the guys there later. So I finished up my last set and tucked my tips into my duffel with my costumes, pulled on a pair of jeans, a sweatshirt and my boots, grabbed my coat and headed for the door.

Big Al was at the door and he offered to walk me to my car ''cause he takes good care of us girls and stuff. He's a big guy so nobody messes with him. I guess he got that way from being a bouncer. Anyway, Big Al walked me out and then he got in his car and left. That's when I noticed I didn't have my duffel so I left my car running and went back to the club but the door was locked. I guess me and Big Al was the last ones out and he locked it up when I wasn't watching and stuff.

So I started back to my car but there was this guy standing by it and he didn't look nice but I was tired and I just wanted to go home so I walked past him and reached for the door but he stopped me.

He said he had a gun in his pocket and he wanted all my money but I didn't have any ''cause it was all in my duffel so I told him that. He said he didn't believe me ''cause he knew I was a dancer at the club and he said he knew I got lots of tips. So I pulled my coat up a little and turned around. I said, "You see a wallet in those back pockets you dumb jerk?"

He says, "No, but I see something worth just as much. Take your clothes off."

I said, "What the hell for? You want me to freeze, you dingleberry?"

He says, "''cause I wanna see you naked and I got a gun."

I said, "You only said you got a gun but I ain't seen one and if you want to see me naked you're gonna have to pay like everyone else and stuff."

Then he says, "Pay? I'm trying to rob you, bitch."

So I said, "Well, I ain't got no money ''cause it's in my duffel and it's locked up in the club and stuff and you call me bitch again and I won't even take off my coat. Now if you want to see me naked you gotta pay like everyone else?"

So he rolled his head around and says, "Ok, how much?"

I said, "There's a $20 cover charge plus you gotta buy 3 drinks and beers are three bucks each on Friday nights. And since this is a private dance that's another $25 and that don't count the tip."

He started kickin' at the snow and said, "But that's like 50 bucks and I only got 40."

I said, "Give it to me."

So he pulled out his billfold and started countin' out money and I said, "Don't forget that 20 dollar bill you keep hidden in there for 'mergencies and stuff." 'cause I know all my boyfriends did that.

He looked at me real funny then he dug into a little pocket in his billfold and pulled out another twenty. Then he says, "There! That's almost $60 so I better get something special for that."

So I grabbed the money and stuffed it in my coat pocket. Then I turned around and wiggled my butt at him ''cause the guys always go nuts when I do that, then I opened my coat and lifted up my sweatshirt and flashed my boobs at him. His eyes got real big and his jaw dropped, then he tilted his head back and screamed, "Aaaaahhhoooo!!!" You know, like a wolf does.

So while he wasn't lookin' I kicked him in the crotch and jumped in my car and drove away while he was lyin' on the ground holding his willie and cryin' like a girl. So you see I may be a dumb blonde but I ain't stupid and stuff.

Anyway, the roads were all snowy and slick and my car doesn't really do too good in the snow ''cause the rear wheels spin and stuff but I wanted to get away from there real fast so I was three blocks away pretty quick but my car was skiddin' all over the place and stuff and then the next thing I know I was stuck in a snow bank. I wasn't hurt or nothin' but I couldn't move my car ''cause the wheels wasn't touchin' the ground and stuff. So I was gonna get out my cell phone and call the police but I left it in my duffel too and that was makin' me really scared ''cause I couldn't call nobody and if anyone like Amy, she's my neighbor, got worried and tried to call me I couldn't answer and stuff. It was a long walk home too and I didn't want to walk through the snow in my new boots and stuff.

So I sat there for a little while hoping someone would see my car and help me but I didn't see anyone but that's mostly ''cause the snow was covering all the windows. Anyway that got me thinkin' that if I couldn't see anyone maybe they couldn't see me either.

I know you're all thinkin' I mean like when you play peek-a-boo and stuff but I know putting your hands over your eyes don't make you disappear and stuff. I meant that I might have drove my car right into that snow bank so deep it was all covered and no one would find me til June and stuff. But since I didn't have any food I'd be really skinny when they did find me but I didn't want to be that skinny so I figured I best get out and try to find some help.

So there I was tryin' to push the door open but it wasn't moving ''cause the snow was packed around it and stuff so I tried the windows but I guess I must have made the battery shorter when I hit the snow bank ''cause they wouldn't work either. I was getting pretty scared and I was about to cry but then I heard something that sounded like someone was shoveling snow and stuff but not on a driveway it was like right outside my car and stuff.

So I started yelling to dig over here where I was so I could get out and they must have heard me 'cause pretty soon someone brushed the snow off my window and I could see out and stuff.

He looked like a policeman and he was saying something like "Hag gone! Iguana hit your mouth." It's no wonder some people are scared of policemen ''cause that scared me too. I didn't know what he meant. Cindy has an iguana but she was on the early shift and she takes Iggy home with her. 'Sides, Iggy never hit me in the mouth, mostly he just lays around and sticks out his tongue sometimes. I think that's just mean so I stick mine out at him too.

Anyway the policeman dug around the car for a while and he finally got my door open and stuff. That was a good thing ''cause it was starting to get cold in the car. Another policeman, only it was a girl, and she was really pretty, leaned in and asked if I was ok.

I said, "Well, I guess so but it's been a really bad day and stuff, I mean first, Tony, that's my boss, thought I peed in his apple juice only he didn't say peed and then after my normal four hours of guys trying to grope me and stuff some jerk tried to rob me in the parking lot and he said he had a gun but I don't think he did and all my money was in my duffle and it got locked in the club and stuff so I kicked him in the willy and high-tailed it out of there but the road was slippy and I hit this snow bank and I was scared I was gonna be stuck here til June and stuff so I'm really glad you found me."

She started laughing but I didn't think it was funny and then she said, "So, you work at Hootin' Annies?"

"Yeah," I said, "How'd you know?"

The guy policeman says, "Could you step out of the car Miss?"

He splained to me what was going on and that there was a guy back at the club who claims I salted him and took all his money and stuff but I told them he was the guy who tried to rob me with his finger in his pocket but I didn't have any money so he wanted a free show and stuff but I made him pay 'cause Tony hates it when the girls give free shows and stuff.

So they put me in the back of their car and took me back to the club but they didn't use the lights or sirens even when I asked them to but that's ok. And there was mister finger pistol robber guy talkin to another policeman and he didn't look happy and he was cussin up a storm and stuff til he saw me get out of the police car then he started sayin' "That's HER! That's the bitch that salted me!"

I said I didn't salt him 'cause I didn't even have any 'cause who carries salt with 'em everywhere and stuff. Then I said he was just mad 'cause I didn't fall for his fake gun thing and he got beat up by a girl and then he ran at me and pushed me down in the snow. Well that made me mad 'cause now my clothes were wet and I was afraid it would freeze and turn me into an ice statue or somthin' but I guess it made the police mad too 'cause one of them shot him but not with a real gun it just shot wires at him and he kinda jumped around like he had ahold of electric for a minute then fell down again.

The policemen (and the girl policeman) were all laughing and talked to each other for a minute then they put him in the back of the other police car and the third policeman drove him away.

Then the girl policeman said it was hard to believe his story when he said he was just walking down the street and got beat up and robbed but they found him in the parking lot behind the club and he has records anyway.

The girl policeman asked me if I was alright and I said I was but I was wet now and didn't want to turn to ice but I think it was already startin' and stuff. So we got back in the police car and started back to my car. The guy policeman said, "Didn't you go to Summit High school?"

I said "Yeah, I thought you looked like I knew you but forgot."

He said, "I'm Steve Simpson, we had History and English together. We even went out once but I actually hope you don't remember it. "

Well, I did remember it. We went to a drive in movie and we was watchin' the movie and he kept askin' if I wanted to get in the back seat and I kept sayin' no but he asked again anyway and I said "No. I want to stay up here with you" He laughed and said he'd get back there with me.

So we got in the back seat and was kissin' and neckin' and stuff and I was getting all warm and tingly and the windows was steamin' up so I couldn't see the movie no more so I started pulling his shirt up 'cause I wanted to lick his nipples and stuff. So he took his shirt off and then started pulling my sweater up and I lifted my arms but accidentally hit him in the nose and he jerked back and hit his head and knocked himself silly and stuff. But he straitened up pretty quick when I pulled my sweater the rest of the way off.

I thought his eyes were gonna jump right off his face and stuff and his mouth was open like he was gonna stuff a hot dog in it. I seen that look before and knew he liked my boobs. They were really big back then but I had a doctor make 'em smaller 'cause they hurt my back and stuff.

Anyway He was all googley eyed and I said, "You want to touch them?" He just nodded like he getting' free tickets to the Broncos or somethin'. So I kinda straddled him like a pony and bent my back and stuck them right in his face. He was moanin' and groanin' with his face between them and he put his hands on both sides of them and started squishing them into his face and stuff and it really felt good 'cause he had a mustash and beard but it wasn't really thick and bristley or nothin' and it tickled and stuff.

So after a couple minutes I said, "Know what I want?" and he just looked up at me with the kind of look in his eyes like a puppy gets when you got his tennis ball and stuff.

So I unzipped his jeans and reached in and grabbed his willie. It was already as hard as a stick and stuff so I pulled it out and pushed my boobs back in his face. Well I guess that was too much for him 'cause he squirted his stuff all over my belly and stuff and he was jerkin' around and rollin' his head around like he was havin' a bad dream but he wasn't 'cause that's just what guys do when they have an organism and stuff. But then he got all in bare assed and said we had to go.

He never asked me out again and sorta voided me at school but then we graduated a month later and and I never saw him again.

Then I remembered he was the policeman who came to my house one night when my old boyfriend Jake and me had some trouble and the neighbors called the police, but that's another story and stuff.

So I said, "Yeah, I do 'member you and stuff and you came to my house one night when the neighbors called you 'cause my old boyfriend Jake and I was screamin' but we wasn't killing each other or nothin'"

He laughed and said, "Yeah, I remember that too. That was a bad situation and it got my partner back then to take a hard look at retiring. So I got a new partner."

She turned and said, "I'm Maria. Nice to meet you, Debbie. "

"It's nice to meet you, too. And you don't seem mean and grumpy like his old partner and you're really pretty and stuff. You shoulda been a dancer like me 'cause guys would go crazy over you and stuff."

She giggled and said she was all Steve's and didn't care for other men.

I said, "That's ok 'cause sometimes I like girls too but I mostly like guys 'cause girls don't have a real willie and stuff but girls know where a girl likes to be touched and stuff 'cause they're girls and guys don't know that stuff too much."

Then we was back where my car was supposed to be but it was gone and I thought somebody stole it but Maria called in on the radio and found out they came to pull it out of the snow bank but nobody was there so they towed it to their yard and I couldn't pick it up til morning.