Anatomy of the Heart

"Thank you, Ma'am." He said. "So good."

"Oh." Mimi grinned, "You know just what to say to a girl." She laughed kissed him on the mouth. "Love you."

Sven nodded, thrilled by the way she was so easily, it seemed moving between tenderness and cruelty. Typical. He kissed her back. "Love you, too."

"Where was I?" She mused. "Oh yes. We were going to see if you could please me, weren't we?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Sven nodded, his balls beginning to ache. "Oh, please." He whined. "please, please. I can't."

Mimi snorted. "Already?" she raised an eyebrow at him. "How disappointing." She sighed. "You are a disappointment aren't you?" she asked, her tone tinged with sadness and beneath it, that soft curl of tenderness. Sven moaned. "Answer me." Mimi demanded, "Say it; you're disappointing aren't you?"

"Yes, Ma'am." Sven nodded. "I'm a disappointment."

Mimi laughed, straddled him again, began edging the soft curve of her labia over his cock. "Now, isn't that nice?" she smiled. "Let's see if your ability to fuck me how I should be fucked is any less disappointing."

Sven nodded, reaching forward. Before he could grab her, she batted his hands away with another of her tender smiles, the act sending goosebumps flaring over his skin, desperate for her. "Please." He wailed. "I want to."

Mimi shrugged. "But I don't know if you deserve to, do you?" she sighed. "Don't know if you really deserve my pussy." She leant forward, her lips pressed against the vulnerable curve of his ear. "I could have any man I liked, really, couldn't I?" she teased, "And yet, here I am with you."

"I'm sorry." The words left his lips before he'd really noticed what he was saying and the revelation was a kick to his gut; she had made him feel bad with kisses and tender words and he liked it. The air rushed between his teeth as that hot wave of shame coursed through him, dissonant, trapped between Mimi's sweet disparagement and the surreal sight of his own aching cock. He groaned.

"Oh." Mimi leant back, eyed him steadily. "You're sorry?" she mocked, sliding herself over him, her body, her scent engulfing him, his cheek pressed against the soothing warmth of her breast.

"Yes, Ma'am." He moaned against her, sucked hungrily at her nipple, trying to ignore the ache between his thighs, the building tension in his balls. "Sorry."

Mimi stroked his face, ground against him, one slick move of her hips and then, nothing, teasing him. "I often think about fucking you until you cry." She mused. "Or fucking you while you're crying." She kissed him, hard, her hands pressing into him. "It makes my cunt so wet and tight to think of you like that." She leant forward, need tearing through her, the pretense of the roleplay giving way to an unvarnished, feral desire, her hand curling around his throat as she began to move against him, at first, with slow, languid strokes and soon, faster. Desire overtook her and Sven found himself watching, aching, desperate for her, the tension building in his gut as she leant against him, used him.

"Babe, I'm going to come." He breathed the phrase against her neck and her movements didn't stop, she merely pressed her hand to his throat, the back of his head pressed into the headboard.

"I don't care." She said, kept grinding against him, her fingers sinking between her thighs as she watched him twist under the intensity of orgasm, his eyes closed, that unidentifiable emotion racing like fire through every part of him. He sank down a little against the pillows and watched, wincing as she rode him until she, too came cursing and shivering over him.

"Oh, you beautiful cunt." She laughed, slumping backward, her chest heaving. She twisted around and kissed him hard on the mouth, the movement flourishing, blooming into a barrage of tiny, soft kissed. "My boy, my beautiful boy, oh you were so good." She smiled. "So lovely and wonderful." She lay next to him. "You okay?"

He nodded, silent, attempting to settle his mind, failing, erupting into laughter. "Oh." He was breathing hard, his body slicked with sweat, his arms curled around Mimi.

"What?" she looked up, grinned at him. "You're crazy, why are you laughing like that?" she sat up, kissed him again.

"I always wanted that." Sven admitted, his skin tingling, his blood, it seemed, replaced with pure adrenaline. "Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck."

" Well, this is more like it." Mimi said. "Better laughter than tears."

Sven nodded, "You saw didn't you?" he breathed, "You knew, that's why you mentioned it."

Mimi nodded. "I did." She stroked his leg. "I could see you were this far from actually crying then." She pinched the air with her fingers. "You might need to calm down, babe. I know you're giggly now but you know."

Sven nodded, his features straightening up. He kissed her hair. "I know."

"Good." She rubbed his belly. "I shall pee. Clean myself up and then I shall come and give you lots of cuddles."

Sven nodded. "Thank you."

Mimi gave him a wry smile, began blowing out all of the candles. "What have I said about you thanking me, huh?" she shook her head, waving the smoke away. "Back in a sec."

* * *

"I made you tea." Sven held a cup out to Mimi as she sank down onto the bed, planted a small plastic pot, a spoon on the bedside table. "No sugar, bag still in, just as you like it."

Mimi took the cup. "Very good. Thank you." She set it on the table. "Feel like you've come down a little now?"

Sven nodded. "Yes." He whispered. "I think it might take a while to be completely okay though."

Mimi nodded, sympathetic. "I know. I brought you that vanilla pudding you like." She nodded to the small pot, then grabbed it, pulled away the lid. "Open wide." She cooed.

Sven sighed, "I'm not five. I can-"

Mimi pushed his hands away. "Let me." She said. "I want to feed you." She scooped a little of the dessert onto the spoon held it out. Sven ate it, smiled. "Not shy, sugar?" Mimi asked.

"A bit embarrassed, maybe." Sven answered, luxuriating in the bubble of shame and enjoyment that fizzed and popped behind his ribs. "But also," He took another spoon of pudding. "it's, uh, kind of cute, you'd do this for me."

"Hey," Mimi plunged the spoon back into the pot, "When you're old and dribbling, I'll probably have to do this anyway." She laughed. "Might as well get practise in now. Open." She gestured with the spoon, making Sven snigger.

"I suppose." He swallowed, sank back against the pillows.

They sank into an easy, silent rhythm; Mimi dipped the spoon into the pot and Sven ate, the creamy, sugary custard giving him the tiny jolt energy he needed, carried and nurtured by such a tiny, simple act.

"Done." She smiled at him, set the empty pot on the side table, her skin shivering with love, she thought. She wanted to curl up in bed with him and never leave. "Sleeps?"

Sven nodded. "Please. It's been a busy day."

Mimi pulled back the duvet. "Tomorrow I will make you breakfast." She kissed him and lay out next to his stretching body.

Sven switched off the lamp, pulled Mimi close. "If you mean making me eat from between your thighs then that would be great." He whispered, kissing her again.

"So filthy." She smiled, hugged him close, "If you're lucky I might even get out of bed and bring you a coffee."

Sven nuzzled her shoulder happily. "It's a deal."

* * *

"What did I promise?" Mimi placed a cup if coffee on the shelf under the bathroom mirror, planted a kiss on Sven's cheek. "Coffee and, if you like, breakfast." She smiled.

"Thank you," he smiled, pulled a comb through his hair. "Will you, uh-" Sven shook his head, "I'll have cereal please."

Mimi raised an eyebrow, sighed. "Oh, no, no. What were you going to say?" she asked, "Before the bit about cereal."

"It doesn't matter." Sven said, placed the comb back onto the shelf. "It's fine." He rubbed her arm.

"No it's not, you need to relax." Mimi hugged him close, smoothed his cheek. "I know you feel low today." She smiled. "I'll make you pancakes."

Sven smiled, "You will?"

"Of course." Mimi looked up, smiled at him. "Take it easy today, huh?"

Sven nodded, "I, uh, I wasn't going to say anything but I..." his voice faded away, his gaze fixed on the wall. "Last night really helped. Thank you."

Mimi nodded. "I'm glad. I feel really odd today. I don't want you to think I really hurt you. I feel like we should have discussed it some more."

Sven nodded. "I know, but it was cathartic." He sighed, the tension unravelling in his belly. "I couldn't have done that with anyone but you, you know." He held her tight, nuzzled into her hair. "No one. Only you could have twisted that into something fun."

Mimi smiled. "Good. You realise it's all make believe don't you? That I don't really want you to do any of that."

"I know." Sven nodded, "You were," he paused, "very inventive."

Mimi winced, "I'm sorry. Did I go too far?"

"No." he shook his head, kissed her tenderly on the mouth. "It was like being completely broken down gave me a clean slate."

Mimi watched him. "I've never seen you like this in all the time we've been playing." She said, "You're definitely sure-"

"I am." He nodded, scooped up the coffee from the shelf, blew on it. "It's the strangest thing."

"That was, uh, a turning point." Mimi admitted, her own gut rolling. "I've never, ever done that with someone. It was so raw and I-" she bit her lip, went and sat on the bed. "I got such a thrill from it." She looked away, didn't meet his eye, sniffed loudly. "And now I feel so strange. Like I had the best time but like I never want to play again in my life."

"Hey." Sven sat next to her, his arm pulling her close. "You took something very real for me, very bad." He explained, his voice falling to a low whisper. "You took really bad things that actually happened to me and you made them beautiful."

Mimi shook her head, sucked her lip. "Don't."

"You did." He hugged her close. "Every time." Sven said, a shiver running through him. "Every time, you take the dark and you fill it with light, with a love that I never thought I would know." His thumb ran across her cheek and he swallowed, his throat aching. "With such a depth of emotion that I didn't think it possible."

Mimi sniffed, hugged him tight, her arms pressing into him, hoping that if she held on hard enough, long enough he would understand the lumbering, inelegant weight of love that she carried for him. She felt the tears first, tired to hide them by pressing her face against his shirt, realised that she'd cover him in makeup and would have to breathe at some point. When it came, the breath was an inimitable wail of emotion, a cry that twisted up from a place that had been hidden from the light for too long. "I never wanted to hurt you." She cried. "I never wanted to make you feel bad, I love you so much, I just-"

"I know." Sven grabbed her, her face pulled into his chest now. "I know you do, sweetheart and I know." He placed his head against hers, their bodies twisted together, crying, shuddering with shared vulnerability.

"It has been an ache for so long." Sven sighed, "So long and I was always so afraid and disgusted with myself. I thought that I wouldn't find anyone or I'd have to become someone else." He sniffed, "Then I found you," he touched her face, pushed her tears away, willed away his own, "and you did this with such kindness, such goodness." He sniffed, "That I..." he shook his head, breathing hard between the sobs. "I could let you do this to me because I know you love me." He smiled, "I know you don't really mean those things."

"No, of course not." Mimi looked up at him, smiled through her tears. "You are so patient and kind and I have never felt safe before." She admitted. "I never felt safe until I met you and you know how strong I think you are, you know." She gripped his shoulders, her hands freezing.

Sven nodded, wished he could take them both away from the world for a few weeks. "Stay with me." He smiled. "Let's just stay here today, don't go out."

Mimi nodded, "Can't go out looking like this, can I?" she sniffed. "What a mess."

"No." Sven pulled her back down next to him, hugged her close once more, tears rolling down his cheeks feeling as if her momentary façade of cruelty had unleashed within them some rushing torrent of kindness, an intimacy that they had always grasped for and never quite reached until now.

Mimi watched him cry, shuddering with a steady, deep wail that seemed to come from a place within him that she hadn't even known existed. Inevitably, it started her up again and they lay entwined with each other, locked into their catharsis. That was what it was, Mimi said, explained to Sven that it was better out, that he would feel, she hoped, lighter for it. Sven nodded, pulled a blanket over them.

"I love you." He said, blinking tears away. "And I cannot imagine a world without you anymore. I know it's a cliché but there's nothing I can say that isn't, that accurately makes the weight in my chest into words. It's like you're part of me and I, a part of you and that together we're..." he tailed off, looked away frustrated.

"You don't have to say anything." Mimi smiled, tears starting up again, her hand rubbing his chest. "I know. I've always known. I've known that this was different." She pressed her mouth into a flat line. "Because it was so normal and easy and fun." She wiped her face. "Still is."

"I'm glad you said that." Sven rubbed her back, lightness rolling over his shoulders as if every fear he had had simply flown away like birds.

"Of course." Mimi said, "Why wouldn't I?" She hugged him tight, kissed him again. Mimi was all need, not sexual passion or lust anymore, she realised, but love; vast, protecting, needing love pouring out of her, aching for him, crashing against him like the tide against the shore. "That easiness." She explained, "Is it. There are many nice men in the world, of course, nice people, but so few with whom you can be easy, don't you think?" she smiled, watched Sven nod.

"I never thought of it like that." He whispered, stroking her arm. "Easy." He rolled the word about his mouth, smiled at its presence there. "It is." He laughed. "I just can be with you." He nodded. "And-"

Mimi nodded, finished the phrase for him, "Me too."

"Good." He kissed her hair, kept her in a tight embrace. "I feel sleepy now." He yawned, sniffed loudly. "Do I look gross and snotty?"

Mimi giggled. "No worse than I do, sweetheart." She pecked him on the mouth, sat up, passed him the box of tissues she kept on the bedside.

"What are you doing?" he watched her pull her hair up, begin to pull off her clothes again. "You just got dressed."

"If you want to sleep then I'll lie with you." She sighed. "It's not like we have anything to do today. It's Sunday, the world can wait."

Sven nodded, "You're right." He pulled off his own shirt, grinned at her.

"And your jeans." She said, "Can't sleep in jeans." Mimi kissed his shoulder, swung her legs off the bed and stood, pulled her bra off.

"Home is where the bra comes off." She grinned, crawled under the duvet with him, her arms reaching out for him. "Come here."

At her command he rolled over, hugged her close. "It's so funny." He breathed, a smiled on his lips, "I feel calm now. Really, completely calm in a way I've not felt in ages."

Mimi nodded. "I know." She pressed his hands against her, tangled their arms together. "So calm, so happy."

"I didn't even start on work today." Sven sighed. "Now I'm just lying about in my pants."

"There's tomorrow." Mimi said, lying out flat on her back, stretching into the cool sheets. "Think about all of that stuff then. For now," she rubbed his chest, soothing. "You just look after yourself, let me cuddle you silly." She smiled. "That's all you have to do today."

Sven yawned loudly again. "Okay then."

Mimi nodded, her hair moving against him, her own mind blissfully empty, calm rolling over them after the clattering tumult of the morning's revelations and the scene the night before.

"Wake me up when you do." She said, her eyes closed, her limbs tangled into his.

"Yup." Sven replied, his hand rubbing her back languidly, gentle, the tension floating away as he sank into a still, blissful sleep, the comfort of Mimi's body pressed against him.

* * *

By the time Sven woke up again it was after midday and rain was pattering against the window. He sat up shivering, happy, and watched Mimi sleeping, her hair tangled wildly behind her. He slid off the bed, shuffled to the bathroom, stretching, the emotional expenditure from the past twenty four hours had made him feel like his bones were birds' and his mind had been drained of everything. It was strangely pleasant.

"It's raining."

He looked away from his reflection in the mirror, saw Mimi was awake, lying on her back. He nodded. "It is. You okay now?" he asked.

"Yes." Mimi smiled. "Thirsty."

"I'll get us water." He said, kicking the door to, peeing. "You hungry?"

"Ravenous." Mimi called, pulling on a vest. "I'll do it. Anything worth watching this afternoon?"

"There's a whole load of that stupid sitcom you like about the girl who lives in Manhattan." Sven adjusted his boxers, washed his hands. At the last minute, he splashed his face too, the blissful cold of the water reviving him. He wiped his face, pushed his hair back off his forehead. "You want to watch that?" He asked, walking across the living room.

Mimi nodded. "If you can bear it." She pulled a jug from a cupboard, began breaking eggs into it. "I know you think the jokes are awful."

"Nope." He smiled, passing her the flour. "I think lame jokes and comfort food is just the ticket this afternoon. He rolled his shoulders. "It's like I'm empty." He said. "It's not like subspace or subdrop or whatever." He frowned. "It's bigger, deeper. Does that make sense?"

Mimi smiled, nodded. "No, I know. Exactly." She sighed. "Like your body is lethargic and your thoughts are sharp. I feel the same." Mimi said, "Like sinking and flying at the same time." She lay her head against his arm, looked up at him. "Which is why we need to eat."

"Yep." Sven nodded. "You want water?"

"Please." Mimi turned up the gas, the flames flaring with a familiar, comforting click. Soon the homely smell of cooking batter was rising from the pan.

"I shall arrange the sofa forthwith." He kissed her, wondered over to the couch. "I'll light that candle you like." He said, "The orange one, get the cushions arranged."

"You're ridiculous." Mimi laughed, "So cute." She shook her head, incredulous. "Such a cutie."

"What?" Sven looked up, dropped the matches he was holding on the coffee table.

"Nothing." Mimi smiled. "Just watching you." She shook her head, slid the first pancake onto a plate, picked up the jug of batter again. "I never thought I would find someone to do those tiny things for me." She said. "I never saw them, growing up. Never thought a man could really be tender like that."

"Your problem," he smiled, walking back over to her, "is that you are a terrible cynic and a brilliant Catholic." Sven kissed her shoulder. "Can I flip one?"

Mimi laughed. "Okay then. Do the next one, this one's finished." She slid it onto a plate, passed Sven the jug, watched him watch the bubbles begin to pop. "Okay, do it." She urged.

"Ready?" Sven laughed, pulled the pan off the heat.

"Ooh, one handed, aren't we fancy?" Mimi laughed.

"Watch." Sven grinned, to a step back and jerked the pan upward. The pancake moved an inch, slid back down the side of the pan.

"Haa." Mimi gasped, chuckling. "It didn't flip. Try again."

"Do I need to do it harder?" He asked.

"Yep. A little more wrist action." She mimed moving the pan, watched Sven try again.

"Ha-ha." He grinned, slid the pan back onto the heat. "What a legend. Did it."