And Soon My Evil Plan... Ch. 01

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Stultus
Stultus
1,400 Followers

*************************

I didn't decide as a child that I wanted to be an evil mad scientist. I hadn't thought about much of anything until I had already graduated from both Stanford and MIT by the ripe age of ten. I had my first PhD not much later and I kept adding on a fresh one every year or so until I turned twenty and ran out of subjects that interested me. I may have an IQ of approximately 270, but my attention span is decidedly lower. Fortunately I can churn out a revolutionary new patent that changes the world every odd month or so, so I'm always doing something new and different.

My 'problem', as it were, is that I don't play especially well with others and never learned how to share my toys. I work best alone, with maybe just a few other folks at hand to wash out the dirty beakers and do the scut work at the lab. By sharing, I mean that I take an extremely dim view of governments and corporations telling me that my ideas are too radical (and valuable) to be patented.

Examples:

  • I created an ultra-green energy saving air conditioning and heating system that used only a tiny fraction of the costs of conventional systems. The US Department of Energy put the Patent approval on hold while they investigated the national security implications and "conducted a few tests". That was ten years ago. They got really pissed off when I posted all of the research last year up on my web page for anyone to read (and duplicate).

  • Also in this home energy savings theme, I devised a new chemical formulation many times more thermally insulating than fiberglass or Tyvek, more than suitable for home insulation. That Patent was upheld, but the Department of Commerce did nothing when a flood of cheap Chinese product flooded the domestic market for nearly two years, never a paying me one cent in royalties. Sure, my 'revenge' put those factories out of business, but not before most of the original US and Euro makers (who had paid royalties) had gone under.

  • My bio-engineered life forms that were designed to eat (and thrive) on plastic trash were declined Patent protection under advice from the Department of the Interior and the Environment Czar. Even the kook 'green' groups were more scared of the efficiency of my creations than their pollution and trash cleanup skills. So far, only Vietnam and a single remote African country are using this new biological technology… and their biggest imports are now other people's garbage.

  • Want one of those practical flying cars that we were promised in the 1950's? I designed an energy source small and powerful enough to fly one… or replace those massive heavy and inefficient batteries in hybrid cars. The Departments of Commerce, Energy and State all teamed up to squash this one and the Patent disappeared into some trashcan along the way. The US Big Three automakers should have loved this, as it made every car on the road obsolete, but you'd never have known it from the howling they made. The Internet is a wonderful thing however, and Honda and BMW both read my web site religiously. Now, if they would only pay my royalties. My lawyers are in negotiations with BMW and I think the new Honda Chairman at least has learned to play ball as well… but I've got a horde of flying monkeys on standby just in case.

  • How about a bio-engineered tree that could grow to the size of a redwood and be ready for harvesting in less than five years? Even better, that it can regrow back up from its' roots, thus replacing the need to replant tree stock! Nope, the Sierra Club didn't like this 'Frankentree' at all and my office got a lot of bombs in the mail for awhile. Seems the tree hugger types don't want any logging at all, let alone environmentally friendly logging that could be sustainable (and profitable). A few timber companies have started planting these, but the sabotage levels have skyrocketed so the cost savings aren't what they should be yet. Vietnam and several African counties have had better success though with their limited planning projects.

  • I thought NASA would be delighted to obtain a single-stage to orbit heavy lifter that could replace the Space Shuttle, carrying triple the cargo volume while operating at a third of the cost. Apparently, this would put too many aerospace firms (and jobs in all fifty states) out of business. It also suffered from a "not designed here" bias. NASA was polite, but the plans remain locked up indefinitely for further peer review. A French-German-UK Euro space consortium is seriously interested in dealing, as well as some Indian and a Singapore government financed groups. I'd say the other Asian countries were equally interested in getting a piece of this action, but they've been the worst about paying other royalty payments (especially the Chinese, Koreans and Japanese). Oddly, the Vietnamese have been the best about paying me for the patents they use!

  • My practical Fusion power generator would have dropped world electricity bills at least in half, and replaced the need for coal and oil burning (and polluting) power plants. Naturally, this pissed off more people than I could count. The Patent went off to Dept of Energy for 'study', again, and every oil and coal producer and their dogs sent hired assassins after me. I admit this made me lose my temper a bit, but I'd wanted to field test some exploding FemBots and homicidal flying monkeys anyway. Hey! They sent the assassins and ninjas on me first!

  • Don't even get me started on the CO2 scrubbing plant that would safely and easily remove most of the extra man created auto exhaust from the air. Even Al Gore howled bloody murder! The EPA, and all of the rest of the usual left and right-wing suspects squashed this one flat too. The EU and most of Europe were a bit politer about it, but not much. Supposedly Romania has the idea of building a few of these plants if the EU votes to tax nations for carbon shares starting next year. They'll make a fortune selling off their green credit points to all of the other nations and that should get that ball rolling.

I could go on, but you get the idea. A hundred brilliant ideas – and a thousand reasons why the powers that be feel that none of them should be implemented now. When I wouldn't shut up and go back into my corner they pushed… and I pushed back, much harder.

Frankly, it's not so much the money… I've got billions already, but it's the lack respect. I just don't remember the US Government squashing Thomas Edison under their thumb because electric lights would put the New England whaling ships out of business. It didn't matter which political party was in charge of the White House or Congress… too many important special interests would be financially hurt by anything that would make the world a better place to live in.

Anyway, now I'm public enemy number one for both the political right and the left. Some days it just doesn't pay to go to college at the age of eight.

I should have kept my big mouth shut and worked on finger painting in kindergarten instead of reading a Stephen Jay Gould book and learning algebra that first week. Or else maybe I should have simply started an evangelical Tele-ministry device to get the billions of dollars I needed to enact any future Master Plans for world improvement. That way, I would not only acquire the money, but I'd also get a fanatical cult of followers that would obey my every command, should I ever need such a thing, plus I probably would have gotten laid a lot more!

******

I figured that I had been a captive for about five days when my tiny (but very secure) cell door opened and I was led off by a few goons without necks for my first interrogation. Actually, I could have probably escaped from my cell with the help of a few internally hidden bio-gizmos at any time but I was enjoying the peace and quiet. Besides, I really did want to get all of these little misunderstandings cleared away so I wouldn't have to replace another expensive hidden fortress. You can use all of the robotic earth movers that you want to, but in the end some live breathing workers (usually overpaid union guys) have to pour the blast resistant cement and screw in all of the light bulbs. Gloomy spooky hallways may suit my mood these days but it's bad for morale and discourages spies from skulking about, and makes harder work for my real janitors.

My interrogators looked like arrogant upper-level government twits, and I decided that a good offense was by far my best defense. They also didn't seem to like the way I smiled at them.

"I won't bother to say 'Hello', because I won't be here long enough to care to know your names anyway. This game has gotten silly and it's time to put an end to it once and for all. Effective from the moment I allowed BetaGirl to capture me and bring me to you, a countdown timer has been running and Very Bad Things ™ are starting to happen and will continue to happen - non-stop, until I am released, with all charges against me dropped."

They blinked at me… a good start.

"For starters, since I've been here… have you noticed that it's been a bad week for the stock market. The Dow's down two to three thousand points already? That's just the start. The longer I stay here the longer you get to play "How Low Can We Go?" Wall Street will crater so bad it will make the 1929 Crash look like a joyride in comparison. When Wall Street has taken its' final dead cat bounce, then I'll start on the DAX, and the Nikkei until they're toast too. Trust me. The commodities and precious metals markets are starting to skyrocket and there won't be a ceiling in sight. Want $500 a barrel oil? Just wait and see. How about a $20 loaf of bread? It's just a matter of time now… and you're now starting to waste it."

"I don't want much – just approve my Patents, make sure my royalties get paid and leave me the fuck alone… after also sending over a skilled Swedish Masseuse to fix my screwed up back."

With that I put my hands behind my head and grinned while whistling an airy tune and refused to answer any more questions. They thought I was bluffing… not hardly. My supercomputer under the glacier in Greenland makes the fastest Cray look like a 286 era computer in comparison. I could play the world financial markets like a concert violinist… frankly, that's how I've made the majority of my fortune. The Dow and NASDAQ would crater… until my implant got in contact with my computer again to tell it to stop.

Government idiots being what they are, I expected the situation to get very ugly before they took me seriously, and they didn't disappoint me. It took over a week for my masseuse to appear and they moved me into nicer guest quarters while the final details of my Presidential Pardon got worked out. You've got to be pragmatic when you're an Evil Overlord or publically branded as an evil mad scientist. I have no problems at all compromising with my enemies if the result will be of distinct benefit to me in the long run.

The Dow had dropped by nearly half before I put the brakes on what would have been a horrific world-wide depression. I thought it would be rubbing in salt to mention that I'd just made a bit over fifty billion in profit by 'shorting' the market, as part of my program, so I kindly avoided mentioning this little detail. They just wouldn't have appreciated the irony.

A few days later I was dressed in a new nice suit and on a private plane heading for the Caribbean and never expected to see BetaGirl ever again… until she washed up nearly dead on the shores of my personal island near Andros about a year later.

Stultus
Stultus
1,400 Followers
12
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  • COMMENTS
10 Comments
SithLord6969SithLord6969over 4 years ago
HOWLING!

T his is the movie that "Austin Powers" should have been! Thanks man, my ribs are killing me and my coworkers keep shooting me death glares !!!

AnonymousAnonymousover 9 years ago

i love it!!!!

talldarkfellowtalldarkfellowalmost 11 years ago
Ahh, another fan of the "Evil Overlord's List"

For those of you who aren't familiar with it, this story references the screamingly funny "Evil Overlords List". (Look it up on the web, you won't be disappointed.)

I checked IMDB for release dates: you should sue the studio that made Megamind. This is equally funny and you didn't need Will Ferrell or Tina Fey to provide the voices. Of course, some of the subject matter would have pushed an animated version of this story into hentai territory ... but what the hell.

Latinlover15Latinlover15over 11 years ago
Funny

Lmao can't wait for the other installments

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago

Well, it's a refreshing change to see someone actually apply the rules of the Evil Overlord list for once. The Overlord's motivations are particularly well done.

I'm just waiting on the sex, which I'm sure will be delightful.

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