Angel of Joy

I watched my fingers creep slowly down the slope of my belly, edge into the wispy brown forest covering my mound and disappear into my wet and waiting hole. Then I snuggled deep into my warm bed, turning slightly into my pillow and reached out to Jane Carter.

In the past few weeks my fantasy had become increasingly familiar. I would meet Jane accidentally at a grocery store, Jane would ask me to dinner and there would begin the exquisitely slow revelation that we loved each other. The fantasy would start with subtle words, move to even subtler touches which would lead to the torrid love-making I had never had. But the story was a huge stretch to my imagination because I didn't think of myself as gay and I suspected Jane didn't think of herself as ... anything.

My name is Sally Parsons and I've been laid eight times in the past 12 months, each time by a different guy who was invariably drunk and who inevitably fled. On my 29th birthday, spent entirely alone, I came to the conclusion that I will never get my man, simply because I will never settle for any man I can get.

When I thought about this, and I often did, it didn't depress me, not at all. I'm plain and plump and had accepted my physical limitations all the way through high school and college — and now in the working world. I once wished I'd grown up thin and pretty and popular, but that was a long time ago. Not any more. Now, I fully accept myself, with all my blemishes, and I'm successfully building a life I thoroughly enjoy.

But there is a slight flaw. It isn't my job, which I like: a financial administrator for a federal government department. And it isn't my lifestyle; I'm essentially a passive spectator surrounded by movies, TV programs, trashy novels and gossip mags. No, I rather like my life and don't mind at all that I'm not forced to cook and clean for a guy who would be as plain and homely as myself. No, my problem is that I really like sex; like to think about sex, read about it, write about it and like to engage in it. Most of all, I like the feeling of sex, particularly feeling a warm body coming alive beneath me.

And that's what I am thinking about as I lay on my bed with my hand between my legs and my face pressed into in my pillow: the warm body beneath me: Jane Carter.

I don't know Jane Carter, don't really know much about her. Jane is director of public affairs in my branch but because I'm tucked away in finances I don't have much chance to see her, just a brief glimpse now and again. I've asked about her of course, but no one seemed to know very much. All I've been able to learn is Jane Carter is in her mid-forties, very good at her job, has never married and is, by all accounts, polite but cool and aloof, if stylishly so: she's always immaculately turned out.

I like to play with my pussy after I cum. I like the wetness, the smell, the taste and, recently, I like to imagine Jane's grey, intelligent eyes watching my fingers nibble at the edges of my pussy. In the past few days I do something else, too: after I cum I strategize and plan because I've decided to try to make my fantasy with Jane Carter come true.

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"Jane?"

Jane Carter looked up from the pyramid of mellon, "Yes?"

"I'm Sally Parsons ... from work."

"Oh, yes, Sally, hello. Finance, isn't it?"

I was so surprised she knew anything about me I stammered, "Public Affairs," then realizing my stupidity, I added with a laugh, "You're Public Affairs, I'm Finance."

Jane smiled, "Right," and returned to the mellon.

I hadn't actually planned to talk to Jane tonight. I had chosen this night, Friday night, to stake her out because to me Fridays are the most adventurous night of the week and therefore would probably offer the greatest insight into Jane's world. I had taken a cab and followed her bus. When she got out, so did I and I followed her into the grocery store. As I said, I didn't plan on confronting her. Really, I just intended to watch her for the evening, see where she went, where she lived and what she did, but bravado, and perhaps a little desire, pushed me into the introduction but because I hadn't got this far in my planning, once done I didn't know what to say. I settled for, "A relaxing way to spend Friday night."

Jane looked up from the melons again. "Relaxing?"

"Well ...," I shrugged, then, realising it was a stupid thing to say, I said the first thing that jumped into my head, "I'd ask you over to my place for supper but it's so small ...," I shrugged again.

She seemed flustered. "Oh, no, no. That isn't necessary."

Her reaction surprised me and somehow gave me more confidence, "But I'd like to get to know you." Then the idea struck me. Why not? "Hey, maybe I could buy the food and cook it at your place?"

It was next to impossible to suppress my giddiness. I was stunned by how easy it had been; shocked that I was walking down the street with Jane Carter — and we were heading for her place!

Earlier in the day, alone at my desk, with my hand under my skirt, stroking my pussy, I had no thoughts that I'd ever get this far, this soon; at the time, my excitement was only that I was about to try. So my success was a little unbelievable, and a little frightening, too because I hadn't a clue what I was gong to do next.

Nothing about her apartment surprised me. It was stylishly, with big rooms and cathedral ceilings and it was immaculately furnished. And nothing about the place offered up any clue about her, either; it was soulless: the rooms seemed almost photographs from an up-scale magazine, attractive but without emotion, like the owner. If there was a hint of passion anywhere, I couldn't see it.

All this occurred to me while I waited on the couch where I concluded that Jane lived in the very centre of a very small world and she wasn't going to let the inconvenience of a visitor disturb her routine. After we'd put the groceries on the kitchen counter she had walked away and only when she reached her bedroom door did she look over her shoulder and explain, "I'm going to change."

But she could cook: that was obvious, not only in the efficiency of preparation but with the results. Right from the first bite the complexities of tastes of the stir fry were exquisite, the problem was, there were just so few bites. She might eat well, but she ate like a sparrow.

Two people, with absolutely nothing in common, can have a tough time communicating, particularly when the host is indifferent to the presence of her guest. We settled on bios.

One of the beauties of being 29 is that when someone asks me about my life I can pretty much cover it off in a few minutes. But 45, as Jane revealed herself to be, requires a lot more time and is usually a lot more interesting.

Not in Jane Carter's case. She was raised on a farm in the Mid West, got her communications degree at the state college and for 20 years had risen through the ranks of the federal service. She was an only child to parents now deceased and had never married. That seemed be about it!

Hard to believe because she appeared to have it all. She is attractive, in a fragile, elegant kind of way, tall and thin, small boned, with a long patrician face framed with lustrous brown hair and dominated by intelligent eyes, aquiline nose and rounded chin. And she is toned, clearly, she is toned: the only perceptible fat on her are her large breasts that press against an expensive grey blouse.

After the brief supper I helped her clear the plates then sat back at the dining room table waiting for her to make coffee. As far as I could see her environment was as severe as her personality. She had no reason to be happy about her life and there appeared no evidence she was. This excited me, this was what I had hoped for. If Jane's world had shown any form of joy, pictures, hobbies, the flashing light on her answering machine, a stack of personal mail, an inbox stuffed with friends, I knew I wouldn't stand a chance. But looking around the antiseptic rooms, her world appeared absolutely sterile, absolutely joyless and this was what I was banking on: I could be Jane's joy! It was just a matter of finding out how. But first, I had to find a way to keep our relationship going.

Jane provided the solution when she disclosed that every Saturday and most Sundays, she went hiking in one of the state parks surrounding the city. I didn't hesitate, I jumped at the opportunity, "Oh, wow," I blurted, "I'd love to join you. I've always wanted to get in shape like you."

Jane's reaction was indifference. She said she planned to be at the Bear Paw trail head north of the city at 8:30 tomorrow. I was welcome to join her.

When I got home I ate a large bowl of Sugar Pops, took a long bath and was in bed by 11 with my fingers slowly caressing my pussy and Jane's panties pressed against my nose. I wasn't going to take them from her hamper, I was just going to feel them, sniff them and try them on, but after I did, I knew I had to have them. But I knew it was a risk, too. Jane seemed the type who would keep track of things, and her panties, like all her clothes, were expensive. Should I risk it? I knew I shouldn't but then I thought, even if she did notice they were gone she would never think I would lust after them, that I would steal them, and if I was wrong, and she did figure it out, well, that couldn't help but advance my cause, or end it.

Getting to the Bear Paw trail head next morning took two buses and a cab and I arrived ten minutes late. Shit, I thought, as I looked around the parking lot, entirely empty but for three cars. My instinct was to tell the cabbie to turn around, but it was a nice morning and, well, what the hell, I was here so I got out, walked past the signboard and headed down the trail — and almost fell over when I looked up and saw Jane waiting for me on a bench, by the river.

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It was too much. I could feel it in every bone, every joint in my body — I hadn't walked so far in years, maybe never, and my pain was obvious to Jane, too. "You'll feel better after a long bath," she said.

"Maybe, but I only have a shower," I lied. Even through my pain I was thinking.

She hesitated for just a moment, "Come on then," she unlocked her car, "I'll take you home. You can use mine."

Last night, during my bath at home and even while masturbating with Jane's panties, I'd been troubled. Working myself into Jane's world had been exciting, sure, but what I had found there was so empty, so antiseptic, so uninteresting that I wasn't sure I wanted to spend any more time with her: she seemed utterly boring, hardly alive; it was as if she was sleep-walking through life. But she sure was alive on that hiking trail. The exercise seemed to energize her, invigorate her. She talked almost constantly, pointing out the beauty in every flower, plant and tree, always with an eagerness and enthusiasm that astonished me.

At her place, I felt better the moment I entered the hot, soapy water. It felt magnificent, my aches and pain seemed to melt away and what's more, the fatigue from the walk transported me to my favourite place, the drowsy moments before sleep.

"Would you like a glass of wine?"

I had almost drifted off. "Oh, yes, please. I'd love a glass, thank you." And while I waited, I giggled when the thought occurred to me. I sat up in the tube and wiped the soapy bubbles from my chest and listen for her. This would tell me something. Surely, this would tell me something.

When Jane knocked on the door and entered, I turned a little in the tub to face her, wanting to read her eyes. And I didn't put my hand out for the glass either; I wanted her to come to me, to walk all the way across the bathroom. And I wanted her to look at me, I desperately wanted her to look at me.

"Thank you," I said, taking the glass from her hand. "This is wonderful."

When the door closed, I slipped under the water, my heart beating like a jazz drum, my face contorted in a grin. She had looked! She had looked at my tits and it had shaken her! It was obvious and I knew there was a chance!

When I got home I was so stiff when I got into bed I didn't bother masturbating. I just put Jane's panties on my pillow, rested my face on them and drifted off imagining my arms around her.

Next day, I could barely move: my legs, even my arms had stiffened painfully into rigid pegs, and I was only marginally better on Monday when I struggled to the phone to book off work: I didn't think I could have made it to my desk if it was the only payday of the year.

I was in the bath when the phone rang at 9:30. "Are you all right?"

It took me a moment to interpret the voice, I was too busy suffering and toweling off, "Jane?"

"I phoned down to see how you'd recovered and they told me you'd called in sick. Are you all right?" Her voice had an unusual urgency to it, as if she was concerned.

I laughed, "I'm getting there, but God, I think I need to spend a few hours with a masseuse."

She hesitated awkwardly and I didn't understand why until I replayed my own words. It was as if I had asked her to give me a massage: that's the way she must have taken it — and in her hesitation she seemed to be considering it! I pressed a little harder, "But, jeez, I don't think I could even make it to the massage table." I held my breath.

The phone line was dead air but I was determined to wait her out. Then she spoke, "I could come by after work."

"Oh, no, you don't have to do that."

Her offer seemed to have embolden her, "No, no, I will. I bring you something to cheer you up." She asked me for directions and said she'd see me after 5.

If I needed a little exercise to loosen me up, I got it — by cleaning my apartment, every nook and cranny of it. If she was going to get a glimpse of my world, it was going to be as spotless as hers. Easier said than done: it took my aching body until 4:30 to tidy up three years of neglect. But I was glad I did it because once it was done I had only a half hour to fret over my plan of attack and what I'd wear.

When I opened the door, she had a fruit basket in one hand, a small white plastic bag in the other and a nervous smile on her face. I was feeling much more limber and loose from all my exercise so I exaggerated my discomfort on my way to the couch.

She was uncomfortable, there was no doubt about it, and I was too, I wanted the lines I had rehersed to work. "I'm sorry about this, Jane. I really am. I hope this doesn't mean I can't go walking with you again. I really enjoyed it. It was fantastic. The best time I ever had and I can't wait to do it again. I hope I can go again on Saturday, if you'll ask me. I hope by then I'll recover."

Her smile was disappointingly motherly but her response was great. "I'd love to have you come next week, maybe this will help." She opened the bag in her hand and showed me a small jar of massage oil.

"Oh, God, really, a massage, that would be just so fantastic."

"I feel a bit guilty. Maybe we went a little too far."

"No," I protested, "I absolutely enjoyed every inch of that trail; I enjoyed everything about that day. In fact, I've promised myself to get in shape so we can go as far as you want."

Jane smiled and for the first time looked around. I took the hint, "Maybe I could lay down on my bed."

When we got up, I led the way. "It's my legs. They're just killing me."

This part I had planned. When I approached the bed, I didn't hestitate, I just took off my rather ratty robe and climbed onto the bed and lay on the spread with my head on my folded arms. All I had on was a pair of pink panties, the best pair I owned. "Is this alright?"

She didn't answer and didn't move: the air seemed perfectly still for a full minute then I felt the bed sag as she sat down and in a moment I felt her hands on my feet, kneading the oil deep into my skin.

"Oh, God that feels so good," I signed. And it did. With her touch the pain in my arches seemed to float away, and with it all my anxiety.

But my anxiety quickly returned. Her touch on my callused feet was one thing; her touch on my legs was something else again. And her fingers weren't massage deep into my muscles, either, they were touching, feeling — exploring, nervously, hesitantly, moving upwards agonisingly slowly, and it was really getting to me.

When I moaned, her fingers froze. I didn't mean to moan, that was the last thing I wanted to do, it just escaped, like the fluid was escaping my pussy. I held my breath and forced my mouth against my arm. She must know. Surely she must know that with her fingers on my legs, even lightly, she was turning me on, that I was hovering on the edge of an explosion. She had to know that. SHe had to smell it.

And I think she did because her fingers were hesitant now, barely touching me and then I heard it. It sounded like a sob and it scared me so I quickly turned over to look at her. She was hunched over, she seemed almost in a trance, slack jawed, her eyes moving slowly up my body, looking first at the pink covering of my pussy, slowly moving up my stomach to rest on my breasts. I didn't say anything, I couldn't, couldn't breath. She looked so confused, so disoriented, it was as if she had just discovered a troubling secret. It scared me and I guess it scared her, too, because all of a sudden she got up from the bed and almost ran from the room and the apartment.

I didn't move. I waited — for a half hour than I got up and called her home. When she answered I said, "It will take me over an hour in a bus to get to your place. It will take you ten minutes to drive to mine." I could hear her on the line, her breathing was shallow. "I just want to hold you, Jane."

The line went dead.

It was the longest 30 minutes of my life and the knock on my door was the loudest. When I let her in I took her hand and walked her into my bedroom where I took off my robe and lay down on my back and reached my hand up to her.

But she didn't take it. She stood absolutely still, two meters from the bed. "What do you want of me?"

"I want to hold you." No, I wanted more than that, but this was no time for that.

She didn't seem to hear me, "Do you have any idea how lonely I am?"

The words were almost a whimper but they thundered in my ears, I tried to be encouraging, "I'm lonely, too, Jane. When we're lonely together, we won't be lonely."

"Do you want to be together?" The thought seemed incredible to her.

I looked intently into her eyes, trying to convey an absolute truth, "Yes."

This seemed to shock her, "But why?"

Here it was. "I want to go to sleep with you, wake up with you, cook with you, walk with you. I want to put my fingers on you, my lips on you." And then I said something that was at the very heart of my feelings. "I want to make you happy, Jane. I want to be your very own angel of joy."

"Angel of joy?" The words sounded silly, childish, but that's what I wanted.

"I want to be the one to make you happy."

"But why?" Should just couldn't understand

"Because that will make me happy. It's something I want to do." I sat up and took her hand and pulled her down onto the bed. "Just let me hold you. I only want to hold you."

She was stiff and rigid and once she was lying on the bed I couldn't move her, so I moved myself into her, putting an arm under her neck and an arm over her waist, pulling her into me with my chin on her hair. Then I gently caressed the small of her back and I waited for her to relax. But she didn't. Instead, she pushed her face into my neck and cried.

I didn't try to stop her; I thought she needed it; I thought the demons in her needed to get out, and as far as I was concerned, the sooner the better. But it wasn't sooner. I held her tight while she cried, trying to reassure her, trying to show her I wanted to protect her. But it didn't seem to help, not for the longest time. I think the only reason she stopped was exhaustion.