AngelWatch Ch. 07

I was outside, my luggage left behind, and somewhere with it my soul, and every hope I'd secretly cherished and never even knew I'd held. Deep, deep down I'd believed that the insanity I had embraced would be cured someday; that the woman who had rescued me from Ink would come and rescue me again, from myself. I'd killed my only hope of sanity, I had condemned myself and sentenced myself, and I fell to my knees in a red rain that no one else could see, the blood of Windy and everyone I'd ever killed, washing over me. I screamed to the sky, and it was a sky I'd gone too blind to see; and willed the blood to change to acid and kill me, but the rain stayed red, and I looked in myself to see why and I couldn't find it, and then I understood: that had been Windy's last act; she'd made it so it would always rain blood on me; and for that I'd killed her.

Oh God. I stared around in a blinding rain that to everyone else was a soft, clear mid-morning. I'd killed her. Oh God. Oh God.

++

I didn't know where I was; I'd been stumbling for a long time. And I didn't know how she'd found me, but then, it was Marcy, and I'll probably never know.

She looked at me with pitiless eyes. "Windy is dead. You killed her."

"Yes," I whispered. I'd been crying for, I think, hours, and I had no voice left. It was twilight, as far as I could tell in the rain. "Marcy, kill me."

"No I don't really know how but you do deserve it, did you know that Windy was the closest I've ever come to loving someone? Though she could be very annoying and I shouldn't have slapped her. I will miss her so very much, but Keiko you are dying inside and dying faster all the time, don't you want to live?"

"No!"

"Then stay here and grief will destroy you and I don't think it will take long, it is not hard for a strong writer to commit suicide I'm told but if you want my advice you will live."

"Live? I am a monster."

"Yes you are but you are a monster with work to do. There is Elena and we are not going to be able to fix her correctly now that Windy is gone, but you can I think."

"Marcy I'm not someone who helps people. I tried to kill you."

"Yes, very rude, I asked you not to. I have never loathed myself like that before for slapping Windy; is that how you feel about yourself all the time? I think so."

She was impossible to reason with, and I curled in a ball, shivering in a warm rain. No more words.

"Keiko, are you strong enough to cure my damage?"

I shook my head No. I wondered if I could make myself aphasic. In the distance I heard dogs, baying.

"Can you at least cure Elena?"

I nodded Yes. I wondered if I could actually destroy my own will. Leave my unresponsive body to be raped and then murdered; that was the only fitting punishment for me. The dogs howled, closer now. I thought I could do it, if I tried. I started to read myself, to find the places I'd need to break.

Marcy slapped me, hard. "Bitch get up, get up bitch."

I shook my head No. She slapped me again, much harder, making me sprawl sideways. I went limp; if she wanted me up she'd have to lift me as deadweight.

She kicked me where it hurt like hell. "Keiko you have work to do."

She was attracting a crowd. That wouldn't stop her; she'd keep kicking me and end up getting herself arrested; and a woman like her in prison would be abused... I sobbed and sat up.

"Leave me," I whispered, brokenly.

"You can die after you heal Elena, do you really want to leave this life with nothing but blood on your hands?"

"I killed Windy." I didn't know how to explain to her that what I had done was unforgivable. I'd killed the one person who could save me.

But then I thought... Unforgiveness? Salvation? I opened my eyes slowly, watching drops of blood fall from my eyelashes.

In Windy's religion, falling blood was a symbol of forgiveness.

Had she known I'd kill her, and had she preemptively forgiven me?

Innocence is a weapon, and so are mercy and love. They fell on me suddenly, like hammers, and they were stronger than I could ever be. I shattered inside, sobbing in self-loathing.

"Marcy, help!"

"Stand up."

"I'm afraid!" And I was; I was terrified. I was surrounded by innocence and love and mercy and they were far, far stronger than I was. I was tiny, infinitesimal, and they were vast, and somehow aware of me. I shattered further.

But the baying of the dogs had stopped.

"Stand up anyway."

"I'm too small!"

She probably had no idea what I meant, or more likely didn't care. Her hand gathered my hair and she pulled me up.

Some guy's voice broke in. "Here now miss, I don't know what's going on but I think this is a matter for the poli-"

The crowd that was forming around us was not good news for Marcy. No police! I curled my shaking hands into fists and blasted fear into the crowd around me, and they scattered like leaves on the wind.

"Walk," Marcy said.

"The rain... I can't see." I fumbled for her hand and after a moment, she took it and pulled. She wasn't too pleased to be holding my hand, but she walked and I followed.

We walked under a bridge, and the rain stopped beating down on me; even though it was an illusion, it operated like real rain. I wiped my eyes and looked around, able to see again. "Do you see the rain?" I whispered.

"No, but I know you do, now keep walking, you have work to do."

I looked out into the red downpour, covering London in a rich, dark red haze. "So much forgiveness," I whispered, shaking.

"Not more than you need. Now walk."

++

The people of Angelwatch were not happy to see me, and the loathing and fury beat on me. I wondered if I'd be put to another vote. But it didn't matter. I was here to fix Elena and then they could do as they pleased.

Marcy pointed to a door. I went through.

++

"Elena, wake up."

I had been with her for six hours. I was exhausted. Healing is so, so much harder than doing damage.

And I could not take away her memories, so healing her was only part of what was needed. I was not done here.

I realized I was hungry. That didn't matter. Outside this room were the members of Angelwatch, from London and two other cities.

Windy had taught me that someone like myself could defend against one person, or possibly three, or in theory even up to seven. Outside the room there were twenty-two angry people, and under the circumstance I didn't think even Marcy had voted to spare me.

But that, again, did not matter.

Elena opened her eyes, slowly, and looked at me. And gasped.

"Yes, you can see me now; and I'm the one who hurt you. But I won't hurt you anymore. I've fixed what I can and all that's left are the memories, but you will learn to deal with them in time. You'll do it better than I did, anyway. I am so, so desperately sorry for hurting you."

"Who -- what- "

"Never mind what I am. I'm human, or almost. I have an ability to affect others, but I promise I will never hurt you again and neither will anyone else."

She sat up, and shivered violently. "You were there when Peter r-rap-"

"He didn't. That was me. Whatever you saw or felt... it was all me. You'll just have to believe me. I was raped by someone, repeatedly, and... well, it's complicated. I became a very horrible person and I hurt others, so now I'm trying to fix what I can and you don't need to fear me; I'm going to be executed soon for my crimes."

"Executed...oh. You are American, you don't understand, England has no death penalty..."

"England doesn't have one, but ... my crimes will not be punished by England. Never mind about me. Listen to me, Elena. What I did to you is horrible and wrong but the worst of it is that evil wants to spread. Even though you were hurt, you must never hurt others, and you must never allow yourself to be hurt again. There are temptations both ways, after rape. Avoid them both, with all your strength. Don't let it spread. And something else... the way I hurt you, the way I affected your mind... you can't ever talk about it. To anyone. Ever. It is a secret you must keep. There are very few people with my ability --and they are not evil, as I am. But if this were known about, they'd be hunted and killed, because everyone would fear that they were all like me. And they aren't. When the police find you, and that will happen as soon as you are ready, tell them you wandered off in shock and stayed with a friend; tell them you were raped and then saw a suicide. I know that's unfair to Peter's memory, but you have to let it be that way."

She was still shivering in shock. "Why- why did you kill Peter?"

"I thought he was a rapist. And he was, once. And I thought that made it ok to kill him. But I was wrong. I was unfit to deal out punishment and so punishment will be dealt out to me. Elena, this is not about me. I'm just a horrible accident that happened to you. Do not forgive me, I don't ask for it, but simply forget me. Just remember that Peter was fond of you and you wanted to do a nice thing for him. It's not your fault or his, that you were raped, or he was killed. And as long as you accept that, you will recover. I swear to you that's true. Don't make the mistake I made, don't assume you are permanently broken, just accept that a terrible tragedy occurred and it was in no way your fault, and then you will be able to move on."

"You... killed Peter. You put a knife in his throat. I remember it now! And you're in here with me!" She screamed. The terror had finally broken through.

I could dimly feel the attentions of twenty-two people, focusing intently on Elena.

"Yes, but -- no, Elena, it's not worth screaming again -- I am leaving. I also just lost a friend, the way you did. You will recover from your loss. I'll never recover from mine. Someone will be with you in a moment and they will get you back to your life. Good luck, and I'm so very sorry."

I stood up and walked out.

++

I crossed paths with Jane, someone I'd only once met before, as she was going in. Jane was in effect a counselor. She'd do more for Elena than I ever could. She didn't look at me and she didn't let me in her head.

I kept walking, into the room with twenty-one people. It was a modest living room, and consequently a bit crowded. I moved to the middle of the room and knelt down, and because I was not equal to these people and had no right to speak or look at them, I was silent and my eyes were closed. There was a window in the room and outside it was, of course, raining a rich red. But I was inside and no forgiveness would fall on me, not in here.

I dropped anything that looked like a defense, and waited.

And waited.

"We've never voted on someone twice ," James said, coldly. "And so we've never seen anyone survive two votes before."

"Oh." I said. "...Marcy?"

"No," Marcy said. "Windy voted in absentia, she left instructions in case she died, and we discussed it and decided that to honor her memory we would count her vote."

The final, shattering blow came down, from a hammer made of solid love. Tears poured out, and then I sobbed as I never had before. I tried to be silent, for I had no right to make noise here; I had no right to grieve, not among these people. But the sobs would not stop. I would kill myself quietly, later.

"In fact," James said, "Windy's instructions were detailed and specific. You're to stay here. We're to put you on a suicide watch, and we are to forgive you. Forgive you, of all people. So I have to ask you not to destroy yourself."

++

I was taken to another room, with a window. I was brought food and someone stayed with me, in four hour shifts, around the clock.

I tried suicide once, trying to write myself to death. The guy that was with me instantly did something to intervene, and that put an end to my effort. I didn't try again.

The hammers were still at work. I was being beaten fine, by a love that I had sometimes doubted and always hoped in and never understood. It was a love that did not stop reaching out to me, even from the grave I'd sent it to.

++

"I miss Windy," Marcy said, the next day. "She was in some ways the only person who was really a person to me and she wasn't even human but maybe that's what made it easier, but she's gone and I have never lost anyone before and it hurts in a way I didn't know I could hurt."

Silently, I read her, and as always, silently, she let me. The sphere of her innocence was there, but now there was a crack in it. I had done that.

++

"I'm sorry," I told them all, three days later. "All I can tell you is that I was insane, and I didn't know it until I saw Windy dead in a chair in front of me. I know now I was only lashing out in pain and only wanted to hurt others the way I was hurt. People who are raped don't often get to take retribution on the world, and suddenly, I could. And did. And it was the worst thing that could have happened.

"I don't know if I'm really sane now." I looked out the window. "I still see it raining blood. I'm never going to see a normal sky again, and so I will never spend a day without being reminded of how I killed a woman who would have given anything to help me. Maybe all that happened is that I've replaced Anger with Sorrow.

"I know I can't go to the police and confess. I know you don't want me to die, or at least Windy didn't. So I'm sitting here, alive. I'm out of tears, and as broken as a human being can be.

"I can't cry anymore, I can't even feel anymore. If I'm to be kept alive, as something other than punishment... I need something to do. I don't trust myself to know what. So I'm going to put myself in your hands. I submit completely. Tell me what you want me to do, and I will do it."

They started me on dishes and taking out the trash. Then vacuuming. I did it silently and well. Then I was told to tend garden. I lived like a monk, under vows of silence and celibacy, growing food for Angelwatch. As autumn ended I was set to work volunteering for charities, bringing meals to the ill, helping with soup kitchens. I wrote no one and read very little.

On New Year's day, Susan called me to her study.

"Keiko... what have you learned?"

"That serving makes a difference."

She nodded. "Our powers are vast, Keiko -- until you compare them with the problems in the world. Then we look meaningless and weak. You do more good handing out a cup of soup to someone than avenging wrong. Our strengths have a place but not in social justice, is what I'm saying."

"I know."

"Do you want to continue to serve?"

"I'll do whatever Angelwatch asks."

"That was a fine answer in August. But this is January. What do you want?"

"I want to help people. In any way I can."

"With your powers?"

"If needed. As you said, it doesn't take a mental power to cook and serve soup."

She looked at me, assessing.

"Will you help rape victims?"

I smiled mirthlessly. "Yes. Believe me, the temptation to go after rapists is long dead. It's not the dangerous topic it once was, for me."

"How is the rain going?"

"It's snow now, on cold nights. Dark red snow. Please... I'd like for this hallucination to be lifted. I haven't seen the sky in months."

"It will end when it is supposed to."

"Am I still a danger to people?"

"Everyone is a potential danger to people, Keiko. We all choose what we do. You are not a danger to people if you choose not to be."

"I choose not to be."

"Very well. This is being a quiet winter; Angelwatch is not so busy in London. For now, I think we've gotten rid of all the rogues in England. But there is patrolling to do, always. Looking for trouble is most of our work. Will you do it?"

"Yes."

I walked the streets of a dozen cities and towns, and winter turned to spring. On Easter Sunday I woke up and found the rain had stopped and the clouds were parting. It was Windy's last little commentary -- she wanted to make sure I understood about the forgiveness. The reminder was not needed, but I knelt down and wept.

Sorrow is an easy place to visit, and a necessary one, if you want to be a decent human being. And shame is necessary as well, however hard. I'd learned about both.

Susan met me outside my room, as I went downstairs to cook breakfast for everyone. She was blocking very carefully; not a good sign.

"Good morning, Keiko. Have you looked outside?"

"Yes. It's going to be a beautiful day," I said, smiling a little crookedly, and wiping away the last tears.

"I'm glad you've earned back the sky and the sun. But, Keiko... you need to know. Angelwatch has voted again-"

I was instantly numb.

"and the vote was a clear majority, so-"

Wait, what? Kills were not based on majorities-

"-I have been asked to request that you accept the leadership role of Angelwatch West."

"Wait... what?"

"You will do Windy's work until her replacement arrives."

"Susan, I'm a murderer and a rapist and even ignoring that I am in no way qualified, I deserve to be punished, not honored-"

"It is no honor you're being offered. It's more penance. Leadership here is hard and inhumanly exhausting. We're not a fun bunch to manage and you haven't even met the Tel Aviv crowd yet. Be thankful you won't have Tokyo to deal with."

"I- I can't- Susan I can't-"

"You better. And let me be clear you'd better do a good job. In a few years some sort of portal opens and Windy's replacement arrives. They won't like hearing she's dead - and they will have things to say to you. You'll want a few years of good behavior and sterling work to fall back on. So. The title is effective immediately, but you can cook breakfast first."

She left.

++

Why have I written all this?

In part as penance.

In part because stories about these powers have started to leak out, though, thankfully, only on the kind of websites that no one will ever take seriously. If Angelwatch is ever truly discovered, I want documents out there that tell the story from our side -- that we are here to solve a problem and contain a disaster, and nothing else. People like Ink -- and the girl once known as Keiko - are a rarity, and they are dealt with. (I have taken Windy's advice, and changed my name, to Alila).

In part because I miss Windy, and reliving some experiences with her as I wrote this... it's as close as I can come to seeing her again.

And most of all to remind people, including myself, that redemption is a real thing, and so is forgiveness. We all do wrong, and sometimes we do wrong we can't fix. But we can also do what's right, and we must. Hope is based on people doing the right thing, and without hope, the human race would never have survived a minute outside the Garden of Eden.

For those that have been raped -- report your rapes. Do it as soon as you can. Don't assume you'll just shake it off -- some do, many don't. Cling to hope and ask for justice. You won't always get what you want, but if you ask you'll get what you need.

Rapists, repent. Confess what you did and take the punishment coming to you. You think you're above it all, but you are the lowest of the low, and down deep you know it. Change your ways, because justice has a way of catching up, and if it does it won't go well for you.

Windy... I miss you, so, so much. Your forgiveness is what healed me and you left me with a debt I have no way to repay, and that hurts. But thank you. Oh, dearest Windy, I miss you...