tagHumor & SatireAnimal Penises

Animal Penises

byCal Y. Pygia©

According to Wikipedia, "as a general rule, an animal's penis is proportional to its body size," but we all know how, as a general rule, Wikipedia is full of shit, because anyone can "edit" its "articles." In fact, I myself might have "edited" the encyclopedia's "Penis" article to read, "as a general rule, an animal's penis is proportional to its body size" or, for that matter, to read, "as a general rule, Wikipedia is full of shit." For example, a male gorilla weighs in at about 400 pounds, but his cock, when erect, is only about one and a half inches long. Does that sound "proportional to its body size"?

Just so you know, the biggest dick on record belongs to Barnacle Bill the Barnacle. His cock, although miniature by human standards, is a whopping 40 times his own body size!


On the Internet, there's a photo of some dude, obviously gay, standing on the poop deck (where else would a gay guy stand), dressed in a pink-and-lavender wetsuit, bending over (as gay guys are wont to do) and actually holding a whale's penis! The whale, Moby Dick, is floating on his back, fins spread well apart, and, although one cannot see his face (such as it is), there is, in the creature's general demeanor, an attitude of sexual bliss. Obviously, he has found his Mr. Right.

Moby Dick's dick is more than twice the length of the masturbator's arm--somewhere in the neighborhood, I'd venture to say, of eight feet. Moby and his dick are not at sea, but in a large pool, and the gay guy looks as if he may work for Semen World. If so, maybe what he's doing is part of a show, although it's certainly not one you'd want the kiddies to see.


Elephants have penises, too--well, the males do, anyway. It's the huge cylindrical appendage that hangs down, between the tusks, just below the face--oh, no, wait. That's the trunk. The dingus, dong, or whatever the proper name is for an elephant's pee pee, is a respectable four feet, give or take a few inches, and one shouldn't expect to see such an awesome appendage anywhere except in the wildest of the wilds (or maybe at the zoo). In fact, since Literotica prohibits stories, even true ones, like this article, that concern zoophilia, it's best to move on.

Marsupial (excluding the kangaroo)

Marsupials' penises (other than those of the stingy kangaroo) are bifurcated, meaning that they separate into two shafts, thereby allowing the female (and homosexual male) of the species to "double their pleasure, double their fun."


Echidnas are even more serious about sex, having penises with four heads, but they use only two at a time, one for vaginal, the other for anal, intercourse, alternating between which of pair is employed.


Marsupials and echidnas are pretty kinky, even by human standards, but birds have them beat, combining their intestinal with their urinary and their reproductive tracts in a central structure that they're pleased to call the "cloaca," thereby mixing sex with golden showers and the pleasures, such as they may be, of scat. (Thank goodness that, in humans, except among homosexual men, the cloaca splits, during embryonic development, into two separate, but equal, tracts, one for urination and the other for reproduction, and the intestines form their own orifice, the anus.)


Some reptiles (males) have not one, but two, paired sex organs. Known among sex perverts as "hemipenes," one alternates with the other during sex, and these penises--or penes--are equipped with barbs that anchor them in the reptiles' better halves, meaning any female snake or lizard who's pretty enough (or slow enough) to catch the male's amorous eye. They're pretty gross, as cocks go, and do little to endear their female partners (or anyone else) to the reptiles who bear them.


Believe it or not, fish are even kinkier than birds--and that takes some doing! In some males, the anal (or, in some cases, pelvic) fins do double duty as makeshift penises! These improvised pricks are equipped with hooks to allow them to stick it to the females, so that, in effect, fish fucking is pretty sadomasochistic.

The most bizarre fish of all, though, as far as anyone knows, is the anglerfish. These deep-sea creatures have faces that not even a mother could love, and, in fact, may be the only living thing on the planet whose ugliness could rival your mother-in-law's. A fleshly lure grows from the female's forehead, attracting hungry males. (The guys aren't all that bright, but, as you will see, if you're perverted enough to continue to read, they don't really have to have much in the way of brains or anything else, for that matter, except their virility).

Intent upon a cannibalistic feast, the males bite into the females, who are much bigger than the males themselves, and, in doing so, literally bite off more than they can chew. The female releases an enzyme that digests her suitor's mouth and body, and what's left of him--his balls, basically--fuse with her, sharing her blood vessels. In response to hormones she releases inside her body, his remains ejaculate. God has a plan for all creatures, as the existence of the male anglerfish clearly shows.


Yes, I know. Insects aren't animals, and this is supposed to be an article on animal penises. Hey, I'm tossing it in for free, okay? Geesh!

I'm really only going to mention one insect penis, anyway--that of the bean weevil. His prick is prickly, to put it mildly, and is, in fact, rumored to have been the model upon which Doc Johnson (a manufacturer of sex toys, for those of you who have lived a very sheltered existence or just want to act coy) modeled his own Sadist's Delight Dildo. The damned thing is so fitted with spikes, barbs, thorns, spines, prickles, and whatnot that it actually scars the female's cunt every time he fish-fucks her, an incident that scientists refer to, in their oh-so-clinical jargon, as "traumatic insemination." When it comes to BDSM, humans have nothing on animals or insects, so perhaps cruel sex between consenting adults isn't all that cruel, after all.

Female-to-male transsexual

Like insects, female-to-male transsexuals, sometimes known as "transwomen," are not true animals in the strict sense, being in a class unto themselves. Their cocks resemble those of the human male, though, even if they have been created in the operating theater, but their cocks are known, officially, as phalloplasts, not penises, so don't say you weren't warned, and, remember, you heard it here, on Literotica, first.

Icelandic Phallological Museum

There's a museum dedicated to animal penises. (Really.) It's known as the Icelandic Phallological Museum. It contains almost 250 "specimens," in formaldehyde, for connoisseurs of cocks. Some of the animal penises belong to animals on the endangered species list, which explains why they're becoming extinct, perhaps.

The human animal's boner isn't on display yet, but one of the museum's patrons, 94-year-old Páll Arason, has donated his own organ, posthumously, and, any day now, it could take its place among the genitals of those other animals who, in the name of science for science's sake, have already given the last full measure of their devotion.

(For those who just can't wait, here's a preview of the cumming attraction, Arason's member itself):

Other Abuses

Besides sex, animal penises have other uses or (depending upon one's stance with regard to animal rights, abuses), all of which have been assigned by man, not by Mother Nature. Some are considered delicacies, at least by the Chinese, whose fondness for bukkake shows that they will eat anything.

Witches claim that animal pricks are "magic," especially on a cold and lonely winter's night.

The bull's cock, or pizzle, is prized as a whip by flagellants and other spanking enthusiasts. Dogs enjoy bull puzzles, too, regarding them as chewy and nutritious chew toys.

As you'll know, or should be able to figure out (unless, maybe, you're a male anglerfish) from reading about the Icelandic Phallological Museum, animal penises are also used as museum artifacts to drum up tourism in one of the coldest, most God-forsaken places on the planet.

Finally, according to Tru TV's The Planet's Phunniest Penis Pranks, a male bartender used his prick as a swizzle stick with which to "mix" his female patron's adult beverages.


Note: No animals, including 94-year-old Páll Arason, were injured or killed in the writing of this article.

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