tagHumor & SatireAnn and Dan

Ann and Dan


It was 9:36 PM, I just happened to look at the screen on her computer. There was an instant message from Beautifulchristina69. I told the wife about it, thinking it was spam. Then as a courtesy I deleted it from her screen. When she walked out 5 minutes later she was pissed. Hell, she always asked me to delete crap like that before, now she is raking me over the coals.

Well, I guess I should have asked if you wanted it deleted. Do you know this person? Who is she?

My wife replied that she was nobody. She sat down at the keyboard and started to look over her email and play her games on Facebook. Someone was asking for nails and grain, someone else was looking for bricks and penguins, a third person was complaining that their apple pies had disappeared. I never thought, or cared, too much about that kind of silly stuff. Can you say waste of time?? Shoot, I knew you could.

My name is Dan, her name is Ann. We have been married for 364 years; at least it seems like it. We have 6 kids; I can't believe we even had sex 6 times, much less at the correct time to get her pregnant. But I made my bed, so I guess I'll lay in it.

I pursued her for over 3 years, stole her from the guy that the entire county assumed she would marry. He was so relieved that he became a missionary to get out of town. The last I heard he was running around in loin cloths and acting like a native somewhere.

At least I was a romantic, he was just a bully. He told her she would drop out of school, tend to the house and take the kids to church each Sunday. In her spare time she could take care of the barn yard animals. Meals would be ready at exactly 5:00PM., whether he was home or not. If he was late, she would have to hold them until he got there; lord help her if they got dried out.

Meals would be ready? She can't cook worth a damn, and she doesn't fuck much better. Only missionary position, could that be in honor of him? If I want anything else it ain't gonna happen. If I don't make a reservation at least a week in advance she says no. Most of the time it becomes no anyway, just because.

So tomorrow I will look on her computer to try to find out who Beautifulchristina69 is; only because she gave me so much Hell.

I kept watch over her computer for 3 months and never found out who Beautifulchristina69 is. I'll just file it away for a while.

Life continues as before, no sex, rotten food, and a filthy house. Yep, life sure is good. I go to work, 10 to 12 hours a day, six days a week. The debts keep piling up even though I make good money. It took me 12 years of hard work but I now make $8.55 an hour, we should be rolling in the dough.

The other day I came home on time, no overtime tonight. As I walked into the house she was talking to Beautifulchristina69 again. She tried to close the screen down but there was an incoming response that caused the screen to reopen. Some of the words I saw would make a sailor blush. How can a good churchgoing woman abide language like that?

I don't want my children to see or hear that sort of stuff, so I pulled the plug on the computer. Ann went off on me like never before. I guess the kids will have to hear it anyway. Some of what they were talking about was oral sex, between women.

Is my wife hot for another woman? Lordy, I hope not. That would surely be a sin. I had to talk to the parson to see how to handle this mess.

Sunday the parson had a sermon on fidelity, morality and the evils of the same sex getting it on. When we got home from church, the roof caved in, "How could I air our dirty laundry in public like that? I deserve to have a life and you won't run it." I guess it will be another year without getting an opportunity to please her in bed.

It's been 4 weeks since I talked to the parson, we ran into each other at the hardware store yesterday. He asked how things were going. I told him we were saving a lot of money on air conditioning because things are so cold between us.

He told me his wife, Tina, was doing research for a book she intended to write. I commented on the fact that if she could write a book then she must be smart as well as really pretty. She is the most beautiful woman in the church; she still has all of her front teeth and most of her hair too. Did I mention she can sing like a bird, sounds like a cross between a turkey and a Buzzard. Not too shabby for a woman of 30.

On my drive home I realized I now knew who Beautifulchristina69 is.

When I got home I asked Ann if I was correct. I also asked why they were talking about such filth on the computer, and if she was involved with another woman. She turned and ran out of the room. I'll give her some time to cool down and talk to her after the kids go to bed.

About 9PM she came out on the porch and sat beside me. She was sorry for the filth she was discussing on the computer. She and Tina had heard Jerry Springer talking about it that afternoon and could not believe that people did that sort of thing. I told her I had heard about it in the Air Force, and yes some people seem to enjoy those things. We decided we need to talk a little more often.

When she came to bed she had scrubbed her face, brushed her hair, put on a little makeup instead of cold cream and wore a short tea shirt instead of her flannel night gown. We tried a few of the things they had talked about; she now has a better outlook on life. We also have another form of birth control, instead of her constant headaches. I won't be sharing this with the parson.

The food has not improved, the house is still a mess, but Ann says the sex is much better.

Oh yeah, and Tina got her book published. It is about a dog and an elephant who explore the world in a hot air balloon.

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