Anna Karenina

"Yeah. I did. I had a really nice time. He loves to read as much as I do and the books we both love speak to him like they do to me. I've never met anyone quite like him before," Karen said.

"Karen? Did you just hear yourself? He's like no one you've ever met before? It's a good thing my husband isn't still sitting here. Sheesh!"

The sisters laughed before Karen offered to help clean up the mess. Once the dishwasher was running she said, "You know what? I think I'm gonna head back a little early tonight. Would you mind?"

"On Christmas Eve?" her sister said. "If I didn't know you so well, I'd think you were sneaking off to see some guy. You don't have a date tonight, do you?"

It was said in such a joking manner Karen was able to laugh it off. Then again, she didn't have a date, per se, she was just watching a movie with a friend. Okay, a very young friend; a friend she'd just met, but then again, he wasn't like any kid—or anyone—she'd ever met.

"A date? Ha! I wish," Karen said. "Oh, wait? A date. Hmmm. What is that?"

Her sister laughed then said, "Go on. Relax a little. You deserve it. I'm just glad you came by for dinner and again, please excuse my slob of a husband!" They laughed one more time then hugged each other followed by a big hug from each of the nieces.

She got home at ten 'til nine and although she'd straightened up before she left, she took another look around then made sure she had the DVD ready to go. She ran to the bathroom and freshened up her makeup then on the spur of the moment decided to change clothes.

She was flipping through what things she'd managed to buy since losing most of her stuff in the fire, and it was apparent the best she could do was replace the pants with a skirt. She had two that were black and telling herself she was in a hurry, chose the shorter of the two. She slipped off the pants, stepped into the skirt, zipped it up, then grabbed a pair of heels and stepped into them just as the doorbell rang.

She walked quickly to the door, took a deep breath, then opened it and smiled.

"Alex! Hi, please come in," she said.

He stepped in and handed her a present very nicely wrapped and tied with ribbons and a bow.

"What's this?" she said as he placed in her hands.

"I hope it's one you don't currently have," he told her.

"Alex, this is so unnecessary. You shouldn't have. Really."

"But I did," he told her with a warm smile. "Go ahead. Open it."

"Please come in and sit down first, okay?" she said. She felt like she had when she was a little girl on Christmas morning and her dad said it was okay to start passing out the presents.

Alex took a seat on the sofa and Karen sat next to him. She began unwrapping and felt her heart beating fast again. The paper wasn't even off when she saw the cover and recognized it immediately. "Oh, my..."

"It is one you like, I hope," he asked.

"Like?" she said holding the barely-used copy of Pride and Prejudice in her hands. "Alex, this is my favorite love story of all time. Like it? Alex, I love this book!"

"I can tell," he said as he saw her wiping away tears again. "I didn't mean to make you cry."

She turned toward him as she clutched the book to her chest. "This may be the nicest gift I've ever been given." Her eyes were wet and her lips were trembling. "Thank you, Alex. I don't know what to say."

"How about, 'Hey, Alex, would you like to watch the movie'?" he said trying to lighten the mood.

She wiped her eyes then smiled.

"Oh, right. The movie. The real love story. Sure. Let me get it started, okay?" She hit the play button on the DVD remote then carefully set the book and the wrapping paper aside. "Would it be okay if I hugged you?" she said still a little shaky.

Alex smiled and held out his arms. Karen wrapped hers around him and said, "Thank you sounds so trite, but...thank you," she said again.

"You're welcome," he told her. "It makes me happy to see you happy." He pulled back then said, "You are happy, aren't you?"

"I am," she said lowering her arms while taking one more pass at her eyes. "You should see me when I'm ecstatic," she said trying to joke back. "Is my mascara a mess?"

"Nope," he told her. "You're still beautiful."

Karen was relieved when the DVD player came to life.

"I can pop some popcorn if you like," she offered.

"That sounds great," he told her. "Is there anything I can get or help with?"

"Um...sure. You could pour us both a glass of w..." She stopped then said, "Sorry, never mind. Would a Coke be okay?"

Alex laughed and said, "A Coke would be perfect. I'll pour while you cook. Or...microwave."

Three minutes later, the previews were still running so Karen skipped to the start of the movie, sat the bowl between them, and set down.

"Just one thing, okay?" Alex said.

"Yes?"

"Don't even think about calling me 'Preppy,' okay?"

She threw a piece of popcorn at him and said, "You nut!" When he laughed, Karen said, "Sorry, that wasn't very nice."

Alex turned toward her and said in his best Ali McGraw voice, "Love means never having to say you're sorry!" Karen's laughter turned into a dull roar and she couldn't have been happier that she'd chosen to come home and spend time with this enigmatic young man who made her smile, laugh, and feel...many things.

A half hour into the movie the popcorn was gone and Karen offered to make some more. She went to get up when Alex reached for her hand. He moved the bowl with his free hand then patted the seat next to him.

Karen knew she shouldn't. There was no reason to sit that close. At least no good reason. And yet she told herself there was no harm. They were just watching a movie and having a nice time. Without resistance, she let him pull her next to her.

She sat there trying to watch the movie, and yet all she could think of was how their bodies were touching and how much she wished he'd either take her hand or put his arm around her. She kept glancing down at his hand, feeling like she was back in high school herself. Then again, she'd been nothing like Alex when she was his age. She was a typical teenaged girl—boy crazy and in search of the next dose of fun. It had taken her another ten years to get to the point where Alex already was.

She gave up on her silly idea and settled in to watch the plot unfold the way it had it every other time she'd watched this movie. Ali McGraw still got sick. Ryan O'Neal, the handsome rich kid, was still devastated. And just as she'd done every time, she teared up. And that's when it happened.

Alex noticed immediately and put his arm around her then rested his hand on her shoulder. Without a word or so much as looking at him, she laid her head on his shoulder and put her hand on his chest. The movie was a blur. The words became inaudible. All she could hear was the beating of her heart and the sounds of his breathing. Ignoring every warning signal her brain was sending she began slowly running her hand across his chest. Just the slightest bit, back and forth. To her great delight, he began doing the same thing to her shoulder. Just a slow, gentle stroking up and down on her upper arm.

"This is nice," she said not daring to say what she was really thinking.

"It is," Alex agreed.

Moments later, he softly kissed the top of her head and Karen pulled herself as close to him as she could get. She wanted to look up at him but she couldn't. She couldn't because she feared that what she was so desperately wanting would happen. So she kept her eyes on the screen and continued to run her fingers up and down his chest. A part of her was relieved he hadn't tried something more and another part was deeply disappointed that he hadn't.

Obviously, she was a friend to him and nothing more. Then again, why would there be more? How could there be more? She was nearly twice his age and in spite of his assurances he found her to be an attractive woman, no one his age and as handsome as Alex Voss would want a woman like her. So she settled for having what she could have and appreciating it for what it was worth.

When Ali McGraw was dead and Ryan O'Neal was sitting on the bench by the snow-covered tennis court, Alex lifted his arm up and said, "That never gets old."

Karen sat up and said, "No. Unlike me...it doesn't."

"It's just as sad and beautiful and touching today as it was the first time I saw it." He reached over for her hand then said, "And...I wish you'd stop saying that."

"That I'm old?" she asked knowing the answer.

"Yes. You're beautiful, just like Love Story."

"It is a beautiful love story, isn't it?" she said, her eyes dancing between his.

Alex changed the subject by saying, "I've almost finished Anna Karenina."

"Wow. How? When?"

"I read for several hours today. Karen? What would you do? If you were Anna. Would you choose your child or your lover?"

Without hesitation she said, "I could never abandon my child. Not for anyone—no matter how much I loved him."

"I knew that's what you'd say. I guess I just wanted to hear you say it."

"And if you were Alexei...would you agree to never see her again?" she asked their eyes still locked.

"I would hope I'd never let myself get into that kind of situation," he began. "But if I did, I would have to have loved her with a love so strong and true, I would be willing to die for it. So, no, I could never agree to that. Abandon my love, my life, my child? No, I would fight for her because living without her...without them...would be a fate worse than death."

Karen's heart was beating fast again and at that moment she wanted to be kissed more than she ever had in her life. Who was this boy...this...young man...who made her feel so alive? How could she possibly feel this way for someone she barely knew? And yet was not only a kindred spirit but it was as if he...shared her soul. It was as though he knew her every secret thought, every romantic fantasy, her every desire.

Very quietly she told him, "Perhaps it would be best if you were to leave now."

He smiled then touched her face. "So it's not just me," he said just as quietly.

"I...I don't understand," she said to him knowing full well what he meant and that realization frightened her to her core.

"I'm not the only one feeling this...connection, am I?" he said as he softly brushed her long hair back behind her ear.

She looked down unable to hold his stare any longer. "Alex. I'm not sure what's going on, but I am sure I'm almost twice..." She stopped remembering her promise not to bring up her age again.

"Sometimes life presents us with opportunities, Karen, but they don't always come at opportune times. They just come. We can choose to ignore them and let them pass us by or we can embrace them. But we can't know how long the window of opportunity will remain open. And once it closes..."

She reached up and took his hand then whispered, "It's too late."

"Forever too late."

"I...I can't think clearly right now, Alex. I can't think at all, right now. My mind...it's...it's a jumbled mess that's sending me so many mixed signals."

"Clarity is important," he told her. "You need clarity and clarity requires time."

She looked at him then asked, "Do you...have clarity?"

"I do," he told her in the gentlest of voices. "I see very clearly while you are seeing 'as through a glass darkly'."

"That's Saint Paul, isn't it? From the Bible?" she whispered.

"Yes," he told her. "And because you lack clarity, you were right. I should leave."

"Oh. Yes. That's...that's true. Yes, you should...go."

Without letting go of her hand, Alex stood up then helped her stand. She was facing him and less than a foot away. He took her other hand then told her, "This was a truly wonderful evening. Thank you."

"It was, wasn't it?" she said trying to smile back at the warm smile he offered.

"I like your skirt, by the way," he said still smiling. "I won't assume you changed for me, but it looks very nice on you."

How did he know? How could he know? Then again, how could any of this be happening?

"I...I'm glad you like it," she finally replied. "I wanted to look nice for you." She hated herself for saying it, but it was the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but...

"You do look nice." He ran his fingers through her hair then again said, "You are so beautiful, Karen."

"Alex, I've been so lonely for so long, and I...I spent many nights wondering if I'd ever feel okay again. Not...happy. Just...okay. And yet since I met you I haven't stopped feeling happy."

"Same here," he told her. "But...I sense a 'but' coming."

She looked at him briefly, then looked down again. "But...but all of this makes no sense. I don't have to spell out all the problems do I?" she asked with sadness in her voice.

"Problems? I don't see any problems. I only see challenges and opportunities. You and I are both single, right? We both love the same things and passionately so. We find each other attractive."

"Very," she whispered.

"What more do two people need? What more do we have to have in common?"

"Oh, Alex. If that was all there was to it...if it was only that simple. But we need a home, jobs, money. Those aren't small things."

"When the investigation is over, you'll have a home. For now this is more than adequate. And how important is money anyway?" She went to speak but he pressed on. "Beyond the ability to pay our bills, how much do we really need? Studies show that beyond that point money doesn't make people any happier."

"But people can't live on love, Alex. No matter how romantic that sounds."

Her eyes were once again darting back and forth between his.

"So...if I had a job, a really good job, and money, would that change how you feel?" he asked.

Without hesitation, she said, "No. It would make that concern go away but I wouldn't feel any differently."

"Neither of us can get in a time machine and change the day we were born. That is an unchangeable fact of life. Were I ten years older, would that change the way you feel about me?" he asked as he gently touched her cheek.

"No," she said turning her face toward his hand. "But it would make things so much easier." She looked at him briefly before asking, "Wouldn't it?"

"Not for me. But then, I'm the one who sees things clearly." He held her hands tightly then told her, "I would be so proud to be with you, Karen. To be seen anywhere and everywhere with you." He put his hands on her shoulders and said, "When you can let yourself feel like that about me, you too, will see clearly. Until then, we still have some very important things in common."

"Yes, we do, don't we?" she said as she put her hands on his chest. "Whenever I let myself dream; whenever I dared to hope; I wished for someone who could understand me and how I feel about life and love. My late husband never did. I do believe he loved me—once upon a time. But that was long ago and many long, lonely years passed in between. And now..."

"And now?"

"And now...I've found that someone but..."

"But it doesn't make sense," he said completing her thought.

"No...it doesn't," she replied agreeing with what he said.

"Is it that it doesn't make sense or that you can't see how it might?"

"I don't know, Alex. It's quite possible I really just can't...or won't...see things clearly." She paused then said, "Or...perhaps I do see them quite clearly and maybe it's you looking through rose-colored glasses."

"If I stay any longer, I'll cross the threshold," he said ignoring her alternative explanation.

"The threshold?" she asked not understanding.

"Yes. The point of no return beyond which I would fight for you. The point where I would do anything to be with you," he said as he gently smoother her long, silky hair.

What would have sounded like soap-opera melodrama to virtually anyone else sounded majestic and even angelic to Karen Finney-Van Gelder. Here was the person...the man...she'd waited for all her life to say the very things he was saying and she was powerless to love him or to let him go.

He leaned down and kissed her forehead. As he did her eyes closed and her body trembled.

"Merry Christmas," he said as he stepped back and let her go.

"Merry Christmas," she replied so very quietly.

"I'll see myself out," he told her. He grabbed his coat then walked to the door where he stopped. "Karen? If you do begin to see things more clearly, will you let me know?"

"Yes," she told him. "I will."

"Promise?" he asked with a smile.

"I promise."

It was just after midnight on Christmas Day when he left, and Karen felt like she'd been through the worst breakup of her life although there was nothing to be broken. No commitment had been made, no relationship existed beyond this unique friendship. Why then did she feel like crying? Like her world had just come to an end? How could she be so sad when this entire...thing...was so irrational?

She had to be back at her sister's house at 6am before the girls got up and would want to open presents. She was exhausted and yet unable to sleep. She lay down and closed her eyes, but the image of...him...wouldn't go away. She told herself this was a kind of silly infatuation. A daydream that would make for a fun-but-sappy romance novel. It wasn't reality. It was fantasy and nothing more.

Why then did she find it impossible to convince herself of the very things she 'knew' to be true? Why did her feelings so stubbornly persist in the face of everything her rational mind could throw at her? Why...why did she love him so if this was nothing but a fantasy or a dream? Had fate really opened a window of opportunity? A window that once closed would never again open? Or was it just the illusion of an opportunity? An illusion of hope and happiness that would end in heartache and even greater loss?

There was a war going on between her head and her heart and unless her intelligence could win out, there was nothing but anguish awaiting her on this the happiest of all days of the year. At 5am she gave up trying. She undressed, showered, changed clothes, and drove back to her sister's just before six.

Not even the excitement of her nieces ripping open their gifts and shrieking with joy quelled the turmoil in her soul. Once all the wrapping paper and ribbons and bows were cleared away, her sister asked her a question.

"Who's the guy you're not telling me about?" Her husband was back in bed 'sleeping it off' and her daughters were playing with their new things.

"What guy?" Karen said pretending to have no idea what her sister meant.

"Um, yeah. I've only been your sister your entire life so it's not like I can tell what you're thinking even when you think I can't." Her hands were on her hips and her head was tilted down. "So are you gonna talk to me?"

"I...I can't," she replied. "This is something I have to work through on my own." She looked at her sister and said, "Can you just give me some time? Please?"

"As long as I know you're okay, sure. I can do that. Are you?"

"I don't know," Karen told her truthfully. "I've never felt like this before. About anyone. Ever."

Her big sister sat her down and took her hand.

"Is it really that complicated or are you making things harder than they need to be?" she asked politely. "Is whatever's worrying you a genuine concern or are you worried what others will think?"

Karen let out a long sigh. "You really do know me better than I know myself." She squeezed her sister's hand and told her how much she loved her.

"You, too, K-K," she said using her childhood name. "Follow your heart." She looked around to make sure no one else could hear. "I love my girls, but if I could go back and do things over..."

"Don't say that!" Karen said. "You have a good life."

"It's...okay," she said. "The girls make it okay. Without them..."

Her sister stopped talking and Karen knew she was on the verge of getting emotional.