Anonymous Finds an IdentitybyEgmont Grigor©
Anonymous in the USA, finding himself/herself awake, hoicked into a spittoon which was a half-finished jam jar and scratched mushrooms under both armpits.
Who in the world should Anonymous lampooned or harpooned today?
Slipping on two knuckledusters and then, awkwardly, spiked underpants, Anonymous staggered to the latrine and urinated the $100 bottle of French champagne consumed six hours earlier over four hamburgers.
Breakfast consisted solely of a frozen packet of hash browns, consumed straight from the freezer, which eliminated the need to put back into cupboards an unwashed oven tray and dirty eating utensils.
Kicking the cat aside, Anonymous then re-read the letter from his psychiatrist:
It is my considered opinion that your only chance of avoiding self-destructing is to either admit yourself to an institution for the incurably insane or become a fulltime critic of contributed articles on the Literotica Website.
Being a mindlessly lazy person of suppressed originality, Anonymous chose the Literotica thing because entering an institution of questionable value would mean leaving the comfort of home life in the garden shed. Had not a recent national survey of inmates revealed a 100 percent disapproval rate of their mental institution, with another 100% response recording they could not answer because they did not understand the question?
Booting his laptop, then recovering it from the other side of the room, Anonymous logged into Literotica and began putting the boot into poor mug writers.
One: 'Pnceilled From the Outsyde of One's Inside", a doctor of literature, had written learnedly about students being available for fucking today not being as robust as intakes of her earlier years.
Anonymous in USA: Get an education you loser. Lern how to spel as well.
Anonymous sent the inspired comment through.
Two: The next article was from a Literotica contributor with two articles under his belt complaining that his critics were other contributors bagging him. "As I write I can see these critics poised over their computers waiting for me to submit my next contribution."
Anonymous in USA: Get a life and get your eyes tested you paranoid twerp. It's impossible to see critics poised over their computers – they're all anonymous.
Three: A contributor with the odd name of 'Blue Bearded Maiden with Red Dancing Shoes and Gout' was the next victim. The story was about an old woman deciding to recover her virginity so she should die in peace, knowing she'd been untouched.
Anonymous in USA: You time-wasting fool; everyone but you knows an operation to reverse loss of virginity must fail because virginity is lost again when the success or otherwise of the reversal undergoes a field test involving an anonymous volunteer.
Four: 'Mary Lamb' from a sheep farm in Ohio had written a poem about pigs.
Anonymous in USA: Your poem titled Mary Had a Little Pig stinks.
Five: 'Midnight Oil in Alabama' wrote about two lesbians meeting two heterosexual homosexuals in a night club partnered by two transsexuals and they went on to a hotel and cross dressed and cross-sexed and all awoke next morning totally fucked up because they realized they'd lost their moral values and were confused about the sexual preference they valued most.
Anonymous in USA: The moral of the story, you confused writer, is that you should have had your team of sexual misfits singularly fuck the night manager then they would have realized that a conventional fuck is still the best.
Six: 'Victorian Fan from How Green is My Valley' crafted 27,000 words of grammatically correct prose of awesome originality in her story about Eva, daughter of a coal mining town's celebrated prostitute going into a mine after a gas explosion clad only in a gas mask to rescue the female pit ponies. Eva heroically emerged four hours later to thunderous applause of the gathering of 1500 weary miners and their families. Eva led out seventeen ponies and was still clad only in a gas mask, thereby giving the gathering an appreciative viewing of her unevenly hanging breasts, wobbling fat belly, hairy vulva and reddened knocked knees. She was immediately involved in a threesome and had several other offers.
Anonymous in USA: After reading this bilge I must suggest that you cease writing immediately and (1) work in a coal mine or (2) become a prostitute.
Seven: 'Stay Upwind of Camels' wrote an inspirational story about Nellie of Blancmange coming to the United States as a war refugee in 1999 and through a stroke of good fortune became the mistress of the grandson of a past President. It includes vivid descriptions of how she used old European techniques to cure him of impotency.
Anonymous in USA: Go home, traitor; no American man suffers impotency; the problem stems from the women.
Eight: 'Jane and Tarzan's Hitherto Unknown Son Jake' wrote an interesting alleged account of Jane and Tarzan's sex life, which had its ups and downs including an interuption involving a monkey.
Anonymous in USA: The idea that Tarzan's heroic call as he was swinging through the trees was because a monkey was sucking Tarzan's external gland is preposterous. Get a haircut and then get a job.
Nine: 'Creaking Bedsprings are Music to One's Ears' provided an extraordinary account of recalling the first time he mounted a woman (his words) way back in 1928.
Anonymous in USA: Get an editor for your next submission. In this historically interesting account of the one sexual connection described, you use breasts (4 times), tits (2), boobs (8), mammary glands (1) swinging cantaloupes (3), milky lunch (1), bosoms (4), chesticals (2) and sweater puppies (1). I should think few of those terms were in use in 1928.
Ten: 'God's Gift to Creative Erotic Literature' insists that Superman was practically a carnally carnivorous sex fiend with a twenty-four inch iron-hard dick.
Anonymous in USA: A pox on you sir, you idiot, for denigrating an American icon. It's obvious bullshit as a 24in dick would have unbalanced superman for internal flying within America and interfered by creating bad slip-streaming for Superman flying supersonic for longer journeys. Also, it is unbelievable that slender Lois Lane could have taken a 24-incher.
Feeling very satisfied with that session as a slamming critic of irrelevance approaching that of the very best of them, Anonymous had four 4in nails and a piece of sandpaper for lunch then returned to his keyboard inspired: he'd decided to write a submission to the Literotica website.
Exhausted after crafting and reworking his posted story, Anonymous went to bed handcuffed so he could not masturbate. He was thrilled about his story, titled, Moby Dick, a story about an out-of-work whaler who found women had an interest in him because of the size of his harpoon.
He used 'P' as his penname as the thought came to him midway through writing when he'd gone out for a pee. Anonymous was very pleased he now had a real name, giving him a real identity
Next morning Anonymous rushed to his computer and logged in, thrilled to see he's received eight public comments, which he thought might be a record response on a story within eight hours of it being posted.
Eagerly he read them:
"Bullshit, you lost credibility at the outset because there's no such person as an out-of-work whaler." (Bingo Jo).
"Get an Editor." (Anonymous in Greenland).
"Learn the meaning of lay and lie before you start posting on this website." (A Literotica Volunteer Editor).
"Very difficult to understand. What's a whale? (Anonymous in Japan).
"We all loved your story; it was crystal clear and we were excited as being so disgusted by the bits about sex. (Accommodation Block X1, Frenshaw Institution for the Recovery of the Deranged Mind).
"The concept of harpooning women sickens me. (Virgin in France).
"Brilliantly constructed rubbish." (Anonymous in Leggoland).
"What your wrote is crap. Please remove yourself from our site." (Anonymous at Literotica).
After four hours of mental anquish at being tormented by the heartless and witless critics, Anonymous sighed, and put his lethal injection kit and hand-gun away. He would do something less drastic, something where he could make a real difference. He would apply to be the rewrite editor of all public comments before they were posted.