Arthur vs. Ch. 01

Author's note:

Arthur Liggett, the occasionally heroic star of The Not so Secret Agent is back; starring in a newly declassified adventure that takes place early in his second year as a Danubian criminal.

Experience the excitement as Arthur performs manual labor in a national park! See his struggles with disgruntled rangers, needy campers, drunken Frenchmen and angry horses! Awkward conversations, embarrassing failures and devious plots unfold as epic mysteries are revealed!

Arthur vs. is not a sequel or a prequel; it's a side adventure that fits in chronologically between chapters 10 and 11 of The Not so Secret Agent. And just to be difficult, I wrote this story in reverse, with chapter one occurring after chapter two and so on.

It should be noted that EC is the sole creator and reigning monarch of Danubia; I just hold a small lease in the eastern provinces of his fascinating country.

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Chapter One: Arthur vs. Authority

[One morning in July, 1993]

Ranger Miksutivosk ducked his tall frame and stepped out on his porch. He let the screen door slam shut behind him, not caring if he woke his daughter or not.

This was his place. The park's facilities were the finest in the Duchy and he was in charge of it all. It had taken twenty years of service to rise to the top; and now a scandal threatened to take it all back. He needed someone to blame.

The ranger leaned over the rail and spit on the grass; then his eyes were drawn to a long metal- topped building on the far hillside. Horse pens surrounded it on two sides and thick hedges along the east and south. It was the campground's stables; residence of twenty-three horses and one devious foreign criminal.

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Criminal # 88588 was the prime suspect and the only suspect. At first light Ranger Miksutivosk and two maintenance workers entered his small dark room for a full inspection.

Somehow, the ranger just knew this criminal had gotten out and caused the disturbance that had disgraced him so badly... but how? One of the staff had opened the door to his quarters not two minutes after the sirens first sounded and he found the criminal sitting right there on his cot.

The door to Criminal # 88588's quarters had been locked from the outside and the little square room was windowless with thick walls; but Ranger Miksutivosk knew this was not a normal criminal; this was the convicted American spy: Liggett.

Arthur stood aside as the angry ranger and his two underlings entered his room with lights, a pry bar, pick and shovels. They searched his empty buckets; looked inside his orange work boots, and rummaged through the small box of personal items he was allowed.

The ranger that Arthur thought of as 'Hook' scanned suspiciously through Arthur's notebook as if he could read English. They went as far as prying the plastic stoppers out of the ends of his cot's aluminum frame in search of contraband.

They prodded and probed the cracked but thick and solid masonry walls then they started digging. Using pick and shovel they excavated holes in the floor looking for tunnels or hidden objects. They dug down a half a meter beneath where his cot used to sit, found nothing, then moved over some and tried again, and again found nothing; then Hook thought of something. The ranger left the room.

The two handymen leaned on their shovels and waited for the boss to return. They had the same shade of dark brown hair cut short and parted the same way, they talked alike, did the same maintenance job; it was hard for Arthur to keep them straight.

They were about Arthur's age; he saw them around the camp pretty often, sometimes working under their direction mowing grass, or doing repairs to the park's older buildings. They would talk to him some, especially if he acted interested in their favorite pastime.

"So," Arthur asked, "who won the game yesterday?" He hadn't been surprised at all to find a soccer field at the campground; Danubian men and boys were nuts about soccer. The staff would meet three days a week for a game after supper, usually going staff vs. campers.

"We did fairly well." The young man spoke with practiced restraint.

"Oh, come on, you're so modest, you guys really crushed your opponents last time I watched; I thought the other team was going to cry!" A few months earlier Arthur learned that Danubians aren't supposed to brag about victories and he had been trying to get them to ever since.

"Well, we were very fortunate to win," the Danubian shifted uncomfortably. "But we play for the enjoyment of the game and the spirit of competition not to... uh crush the other team."

"But that game wasn't very competitive, was it? You guys dominated; it must have been fun to break your opponent's spirit as the crowd cheered."

"Well, we uh..."

The conversation ceased as Hook came stomping back into the building; he carried a long metal device in his hands and gave Criminal # 88588 a superior look.

Ah-Ha! A metal detector, thought Hook. Bet you didn't think of that.

You've clearly underestimated my paranoia, thought Arthur.

The same scene played out again and again. The device beeped, frenzied digging commenced, and they found a rusty nail, bolt, or piece of wire. After digging holes at five different locations they stopped.

"Ranger Miksutivosk," Arthur asked with a dangerous amount of sarcasm in his voice. "Did you lose something? Perhaps if you told me what it is you're looking for I..."

Hook snapped: "Kneel and be silent!"

Arthur was kind of glad he had his face in the dirt; it was getting awfully hard not to laugh.

Hook still wasn't finished though; he noticed the triangular metal vent four meters above Arthur's cot. He had Arthur and the two underlings follow him outside. Hook demanded that one of the maintenance crew hurry off to fetch a ladder.

The young handyman, who was getting pretty annoyed by this point, climbed four meters high and looked the vent over.

He tugged on it. "Sir, Criminal # 88588 couldn't have gotten out this way, it's nailed on from the outside."

Hook fumed and stomped off; and Arthur went to see what was for breakfast. He was pleased; it was a hot barley cereal served with butter, a loaf of pan-fried bread, and some excellent black currant jelly- a fine breakfast for a hero or a victorious villain, either one.

--------- [Four hours earlier]

Arthur sat on his cot and waited. His pulse thumped from both excitement and exertion. On the other side of the door, horses stomped about in their stalls; they were agitated from being awakened in the middle of the night.

Outside, a door slammed shut, startled voices cried out, a dog barked, and someone threw open the gate at the far end of the stables. Light shined under the door to the square windowless room and across Arthur's toes, keys rattled, a padlock snapped open and the latch folded back.

The youngest ranger opened the door and shined his flashlight in Arthur's face. His light roamed quickly about the small square room, searching canvas cot, masonry walls, sawdust floor, rafters five meters above and a cardboard box of Criminal # 88588's personal possessions.

Arthur appeared concerned. "Sir, is there a fire?"

The light was in Arthur's face again. "I don't know... get your boots on."

Arthur figured it was between one and two o'clock in the morning. The campground and park offices were lit up brightly by emergency lighting set on five-meter-high poles. Arthur followed the ranger down the main road toward the pavilion.

Most of the campers had gotten up. They stood half-dressed, sleepy headed and confused; shining flashlights around, talking rapidly, trying to yell above the sirens. Children clamped hands over their ears and stared wide-eyed, or ran about laughing like maniacs, others held on to their parent's legs and cried.

Seconds later the sirens shut off, but down toward the marina a curious scene was drawing the attention of campers and staff alike. Arthur and the young ranger moved to get a closer look. Flashlights darted, people whispered, and stared at a couple naked people walking sheepishly up the ramp from the now well-lit marina.

The man was a well-known and respected member of the staff, but the ranger was not looking so dignified right then. A few steps back walked a young woman; her skin was almost inhumanly red, she kept her eyes lowered and took quick steps.

Arthur knew the man as Ranger Miksutivosk but he thought of him as Hook due to his ridiculous mustache and goatee. The woman he didn't know. Both looked so embarrassed, but as Arthur had found out over the past thirteen months; it is not actually possible to die of embarrassment.

Arthur caught an angry glare as the naked ranger slinked on past. He bit his tongue to keep from looking too happy. Revenge was sweet, though dangerous.

All members of the staff, including Arthur and the naked ranger, had assigned responsibilities in an emergency. The entire campground would be searched until everyone was accounted for; Arthur went to check on the animals. Hook, being the senior official and top dog, had the most to do. There were roll calls, and phone calls, and questions to be asked and answered; though no one would dare ask him the one question they were most curious about.

Half an hour later the "all clear" message was broadcast over the P/A system, the situation calmed down and Arthur went back to his bunk. Before going to sleep he wondered if Hook had a good explanation.

"Perhaps," Arthur speculated, "Hook and the woman both independently decided to go for an early morning swim and just happened to misplace their clothing. Hmm... Probably not a story the wife's going to buy!" Arthur laughed until it hurt.

--------- [One hour earlier]

Arthur watched and waited. Perched four meters up on the south side of the horse stable, he had a good view; a view that faced a pond, a pasture and just over the treetops he could see a house on the hill, the residence of Ranger Miksutivosk.

Danubians were extra stingy with their electricity; nearly all lights were turned off at night. The campground was quiet and dark, a perfect night for a little mischief. Arthur shifted to get a better look, muscle and skin complained with every motion, but he was too focused and excited to care about the pain.

A light came on in the ranger's house and quickly off. Arthur could barely make out a dark figure passing in front of a white retaining wall.

"Well," Arthur whispered to himself. "Here comes our hero now, Hook's going for a late night swim."

Arthur leaned out and turned his head to the right. There, not twenty meters away, another smaller figure walked past the stables.

"Perfect timing, the leading lady has just arrived. We now have our two stars and the setting... I'll provide the plot." Arthur rubbed his hands together deviously, as all villains do.

"These two think they're in a romance, but I'm afraid it might turn into more of a comedy."

Arthur reached his right hand out, running his fingers along the rough lumber beam three meters above the floor, carefully locating the shaft of a broken screwdriver. Reaching up he grasped a coil of rope and threw it down the outside wall.

"Act 1, Scene 1." Arthur whispered. "Our diabolical but strikingly handsome villain emerges from his lair. Aaaannnd Action!"

Arthur gripped the screwdriver between his teeth and the rope in his fists; pulling the rope snug he leaned back with bare feet against the stones of the outside wall and lowered himself quietly to the ground. The dark form of the main office was fifty meters past the far end of the horse pen.

Arthur found the building's breaker box at the back; he couldn't make out the individual circuits so he pulled the main breaker down to the off position. He crept along to the east side of the main office, climbing up on the wrap-around porch.

With the crime rate so ridiculously low, Danubians didn't put much effort into security, the doors were usually locked but the windows to the main office never were. Arthur slipped the flat screwdriver underneath the window screen, popped it loose, raised the window and crawled inside.

It was even darker inside but Arthur knew the place well. The staff always thought it was a good idea to have the foreign criminal clean up the office. He had cleaned this particular room several times from floor to ceiling- including the metal control box mounted on the north wall.

Arthur opened the lid, inside were two toggle switches; one labeled: emergency lighting and another labeled: sirens. Arthur flipped both to the on position and left the building, shut the window, replaced the screen, and walked quickly toward the marina.

"Act 1, Scene 2," Arthur whispered to himself as he rounded the rock wall at the docks. "Meanwhile, down by the lake, the lovers were apparently having a pretty good time, said the narrator. Little did they know the villain, who's a damned good baseball player by the way, was closing in."

"Could it be? Asked the villain. Is that a pile of their clothes I see on the boardwalk?"

Arthur crawled stealthily along the wooden planks, until he could reach his victims' clothing. He couldn't help but notice Hook and his lover groaning and writhing about, doing all sorts of dirty obscene things in the sands below, oblivious to his presence.

"Like a puma in the grass, the villain stealthily crept toward the marina..." Arthur paused; sides spasming, he clamped a hand over his mouth to suppress a fierce bout of laughter until he was able to calm down and continue narration.

"The villain just thought of something extra... uh villainous to do."

He tucked their clothes under the seat of a water patrol boat; and spent a moment imagining the embarrassing conversation that would take place in the morning.

Arthur watched and waited; after a few minutes the lovers got up, went for a swim, then embraced one last time on the bank.

Arthur heard a few frantic whispers as they started looking for their missing clothes. It was time for action.

Arthur turned and ran back up the ramp. Unfortunately for Hook the paved boat ramp and walkway was the only access through the five-meter retaining wall. Arthur looped around the perimeter of the park, back to the stables.

He scaled the wall, climbing back inside the triangular hole just below the ridgeline. The triangular metal vent was taken down; it hung from a wire fastened to a rafter in Arthur's little room.

The vent had been a pain to remove from the inside. Using a hacksaw blade, Arthur had spent hours perched on a beam sawing those five big nails in half; he needed it to look unaltered so he had glued each nail head carefully back in place.

Arthur crouched on a beam three meters above the sawdust floor and located the pilfered tube of adhesive he had saved for just this sort of occasion.

"Act 1. Scene 3: The villain springs the trap, unleashing his evil plan, evil and brilliant plan on the unsuspecting... uh... campground."

Arthur squirted some glue from the tube onto his finger and then he spread the adhesive in a band around the wooden vent frame. Speed was critical to this part of the plan; he had two minutes before the glue started to dry.

Arthur stopped in the dew-covered grass at the back wall of the park's main office. He took one deep breath, closed his eyes, and grasped the main breaker between thumb and forefinger. He pushed it upwards.

All the lights set on poles around the campground flickered and a dozen sirens screamed to life. Arthur had to go a longer route back, sneaking through the hedges at back of the horse pen.

He tugged himself inside the vent hole, turned and quickly pulled in the rope. He unhooked the vent from the rafter, turned it on edge to get it back outside and then pulled it tight against the frame for half a minute to let the glue set.

Arthur had used a knot that untied with a pull; Arthur dropped the rope, and lowered himself to where his foot rested on the end of his upturned cot. Once he was on the dirt floor inside his little room, Arthur tossed the rope, screwdriver, glue, and wire in his stash; a hole almost waist-deep right in front of the door.

He dumped one bucketful of soil on top, stomped it down, threw in a couple rusty nails and then dumped another two buckets full of soil in the hole. Arthur jumped up and down on it a few more times and then raked sawdust over the top. Then he put his cot back on the floor.

It was done. Exhausted; Arthur sat down, breathing hard. Who knew evil was so strenuous?