As Good As Guitars Ch. 05

Gil pulls himself up onto all fours and climbs off the bed. "Bathroom." He stumbles slightly and I go to catch him, but he shrugs me off and walks slowly away. The bathroom turns out to be at the far end of the room, and he's gone for long enough that I start to worry.

When he reappears, he ignores me and silently crosses to a chest of drawers where his clothes are neatly folded. His body language is tense and he pulls his t-shirt over his head angrily. I don't expect him to bother with jeans but he does, flinching as he eases the denim up over his thighs. In the face of his hostility, I don't know what to say. He leads the way downstairs and at the landing turns to the left, still silent.

"Gil?"

He pauses, his back to me. "What?"

"I'm really sorry -- I didn't mean to intrude. I only came upstairs because I wanted to be sure that you were okay."

"I'm fine." He fumbles in his jeans for a key and unlocks the door in front of him. "You going to follow me in here too?" His voice is acidic, making me recoil.

"No..." I think of Olivia's instructions. "I'm going to go and cook something. I'm hungry, and you should eat. I'll be in the kitchen."

"Whatever." He slips through the door, locking it behind him.

I stand there for a moment, wondering if I'm doing the right thing in staying. Eventually, still unsure, I head downstairs.

~

A while later, I've just taken the chicken out of the oven to let it rest when I hear the door open. "Good, it won't be..." I look up. "Gil, what on earth are you doing?"

He's in full cycle gear, his eyes hidden by shades. "Fuck. I hoped you'd changed your mind and gone." His voice is still angry. He stalks past me, grabbing a bidon from the fridge. "I'm going for a ride. It's alright, I won't come back until after you've left." He turns and starts to leave the room.

I say the first thing that comes into my head. "It'll be a long ride, seeing as I'm not leaving. And look," I wave at the window, "it's tipping it down out there. You'll fall off and break something, and then where will I be?" He pauses. I'm babbling now, trying to keep his attention. "I saw the state of you, you're not fit to ride. I told Olivia I'd keep an eye on you -- don't get me into trouble."

It's the wrong thing to have said. "You shouldn't have been here anyway -- what the fuck did you come early for? Just fucking leave me alone. Just leave." His voice is venomous.

I move to block his exit, feeling wretched. Why the hell didn't I just turn the television off? "I wanted to see you. And I want to stay, if you'll let me? Please Gil, go and put a tracksuit on or something and then come and have something to eat."

"Fuck off." He tries to push past me, so I grab his arm and we pivot out into the hallway.

"Gil, I'm sorry. Please don't be angry with me." I don't know what else to say.

"I'm not angry!"

I don't understand until he looks up at me -- he looks terrified. "Gil... there's nothing to be afraid of."

"Oh yeah? Seeing me like that isn't going to have any effect? You're just going to carry on like nothing's changed? The next time anyone says anything on a ride about being beaten or whipped, you're going to keep a straight face? I bet you'll have fun telling the peleton all about Olivia, and I don't blame you. Gil the pervert, beaten stupid by his Domme and loving it. A snivelling mess on his knees."

I stare at him. "Gil, how long have you known me? D'you really think I'd tell anyone about what I saw? That's your business, no-one else's."

He continues as if he's not heard me, his voice low and expressionless. "You don't need to worry, I'll keep my distance. At least once I've moved to Garmin you won't have to explain why we're not rooming any more. Your life'll be a lot simpler next year without me in it."

My life will be a lot emptier next year, and I'm not particularly looking forward to it. I put a hand on his shoulder, feeling him shaking. "Listen to me. What I think of you hasn't changed -- you're still Gil. You're still my best friend. Maybe now I know more about your sex life than I needed to, but I can live with that. It's okay. We're okay." As I reassure him, I know it's true.

"You don't mean that."

"I really do. I promise."

He doesn't say anything, merely knocks my hand away abruptly and heads for the stairs, but I think I'm forgiven. Relieved, I return to the kitchen and finish putting our dinner together.

When Gil reappears a while later, his eyes red, I'm glad to see that he's wearing something more comfortable. He leans against the breakfast bar without saying anything, taking the glass of water I give him. We eat standing up, picking at the food with our fingers. I try to start a conversation, but he doesn't say a word until in exasperation I start running the water to wash up, my back to him.

He sighs. "Did you really mean it when you said it's okay?" I don't answer immediately, and he misunderstands. "I get it. But please... don't tell everyone. Please?"

"Gil, I meant it. It's okay, and no-one else needs to know." I start soaping up plates and after a moment he joins me, holding a tea-towel.

I can't bear all the silence. "Can I ask you about it -- about Olivia? Do you really enjoy it? Being chained up... beaten like that."

"Yeah." He looks at me, defiant, then considers more carefully. "Well, it depends, I guess. What mood I'm in, what she does, how she does it... Some days I can take more, some days not so much. Today was fairly normal."

"Really? It looked..." I shiver involuntarily.

He shrugs. "I'm used to it. I'll be sore for a bit, but she does like to leave me something to remember her by." A half-smile flickers across his face, his usual demeanour re-surfacing.

I shake my head. "Enough. Can we just do something normal for a bit? Watch James Bond on telly or something?"

Gil grins properly this time. "I've got the lot on DVD. You go choose your Bond, I'll finish here and make coffee."

He takes his time, and while I wait I notice a copy of Attitude on the coffee table. I'm in another world when he comes in, the bang of the door making me jump.

"Have you picked one?" He notices what I'm reading, leaning over my shoulder and seeing pictures of a semi-naked boy band. "They are pretty, aren't they? Music's awful though." Flustered, I close the magazine hastily. Even now, even with Gil knowing about James, I feel like I've been caught looking at porn. Gil snorts. "What am I going to do with you?"

"I don't know. Why don't I watch you tell everyone about Olivia and follow your lead?" I'm not quite snarky.

"It would almost be worth it, just to watch you have to." He switches the television on and the machine flashes into life, showing the empty upstairs bedroom.

I'm still self-conscious and the sight makes me feel worse. "I really am sorry, you know."

He shrugs. "It's my own fault, I should have switched it off properly." He sets up the DVD and when he's done he sits down next to me carefully, clearly uncomfortable.

"Have you taken any painkillers?"

"No -- you know I don't really like to."

And he knows that I think that's stupid. My bags are still by the door and it doesn't take me long to find some aspirin. "Here, you numpty. And lie down if you can't sit." He doesn't protest and when I move to the armchair he stretches out gratefully. By the time the opening credits roll, he's asleep.