As Good As Guitars Ch. 12

October 2011

My phone rings, jolting me out of my doze. I fumble for it, but the screen's blank. It rings again, and this time I realise that the buzz is actually the intercom. I've only been in this flat a few weeks, and I keep forgetting that there's a doorman.

Rolling onto the floor, I stumble to the handset. "Yeah?"

"Mr Gilwood, I have Ms Davies here for you."

Shit. The flat looks like a bin lorry has just unloaded, and I haven't left the sofa in two days. The concierge interrupts my alarm. "Shall I send her up, sir?"

"Uh, yes. No! Give me two minutes, then send her up."

"Very good, sir." He hangs up, and I spend 90 seconds throwing incriminating evidence - wine bottles, mostly - behind the sofa. Classy, Gil. I waste the remaining 30 seconds standing in front of the hall mirror, trying not to see how decrepit I look.

I'm still wondering if I've got time to shave when there's a knock on the door. When I open it and see Leigh standing there it occurs to me that this is probably the last time she'll ever visit. The thought stabs at me. We stare at each other for a second. She looks amazing as ever, but I dread to think what I look like to her. She lifts her hand briefly but doesn't touch me, and doesn't move to kiss me.

I find my voice. "I wasn't expecting to see you. Come in, have a seat. Would you like some tea?" Christ, I sound like a teenager on a first date. The room's gloomy - the curtains are still shut. Going to open them, I trip over an undiscovered beer can, spilling the contents. "Fuck! Sorry."

I'm a mess. An embarrassment, as Olivia so rightly said. Leigh moves towards the door, and I panic. "Don't go!"

"I'm not going - I want to talk to you. I'll make the tea, you clear up this..." She waves her arm, as if words fail her.

Ten minutes later we're sat on the sofa, Leigh carefully leaving space between us as if we're strangers. She's sat where she was the last time I saw her - I wonder if she notices. I think of a dozen things to say to start the conversation, each more pathetic than the last. In the end I just sit there.

She finally breaks the silence, braver than I am. "I went to see her."

My stomach lurches. Of all the things I'd expected her to say, it wasn't that. I look at her warily as she continues.

"I found her business card in your desk. I saw her a few days ago. I've been doing a lot of thinking since then."

"Leigh... I'm so sorry. I can't tell you how sorry."

She doesn't answer. She's looking at her nails, and I realise with a painful twist that she's come to make our split official. I've been wondering how she'll do it - she's not the type to just cut me out of her life without a word. I've been expecting something remote like a phone call or perhaps a letter, but if she's come in person then maybe I still have a chance.

Leigh's silent for a long time, as if psyching herself up. I wait for her to tell me that we're over, helpless at how much this hurts.

"She said that you and she have had a 'business arrangement' for the last four and a half years." Her voice rises, letting me know how angry she is. "Four years, Gil! That's longer than some marriages." There's a pause. "She told me to ask you about it - why you see her. She said I should make you tell me."

Oh god, why hasn't Olivia told her? Is she punishing me? There's no way Leigh will stay once she hears the answer. I sit there silently, dreading what she'll say next.

Leigh looks at me, her voice level. "Gil, you're successful, attractive and wealthy. You really could have anyone you want. And yet apparently that's not enough for you. I don't know what's going on, but I'm asking you now. What do you pay her for?"

It occurs to me briefly to lie, but after so long with Olivia I've lost the habit. And in any case, Leigh deserves the truth - if I can make myself tell her. The thoughts spin round my head while I desperately try to think of something to say.

"Gil? What's she got that no-one else has?"

My brain screams at me to answer, but I can't make my mouth open.

Her voice shakes. "You're scaring me now. How bad can it be?"

Very bad, that's how bad. We sit in silence for long minutes. Leigh watches me while I stare at my mug, wishing she would give up and leave, terrified at the same time that that's exactly what she'll do.

"Gil, for fuck's sake just tell me and put us both out of our misery!"

Her voice makes me jump, and my mouth finally opens. "She's my Domme." I'm so quiet that I can barely hear myself.

"Say that again." Her voice is deliberate.

"She's a dominatrix. I'm her submissive." I don't look up, I daren't. After a long moment Leigh puts her mug down and leaves the room without a word.

~

When I hear her moving around in the kitchen I think at first that I'm imagining it. But sure enough, she reappears and sits back down, in the armchair this time. She empties her mug into a pot plant.

"Sod tea, this needs wine. Did you know there are no clean glasses out there?" Her voice is steady, but the bottle rattles against the mug as she pours a healthy dose. She curls up into the chair and looks at me. When I finally meet her gaze, she's expressionless.

"You said you'd give her up. Would you really?"

It feels as though I've dodged a bullet, only to be hit by a bus. Maybe it's best not to drag this out any longer. "God, Leigh... I don't think I can. I can't bear not to see her." I swallow. "I'll try, if you ask me to, but I think I'll fail. I need what she does." I've just told Leigh to dump me. I am insane.

"You're going to have to explain this to me." Her voice is hard, as if she's trying not to think about what she's saying.

I have no idea what to say.

"Exactly what is it that she does that floats your boat? Does she tie you up in her dungeon? Wear a leather catsuit and gloves when she whips you?"

Oh god.

"Do you have to ask permission to look at her? Does she make you lick her boots?"

"Leigh, don't. Please don't." She can't hate me more than I hate myself right now.

"What's wrong? You've just told me you get off on women being cruel to you. Or," she spits out the words, "is it just that particular woman that does it for you? Do you dress up in a gimp suit for her? Does she walk you around on a leash?" She's taunting now, furious at me.

Misery makes me fearless. "What do you want me to tell you? My brain's just wired that way. Some people have alcohol, some have crack... I have Olivia. I know that means you and I are finished."

Leigh slumps back in her chair. "Was it all lies, Gil? Just a game to you?" She looks at the ceiling, blinking furiously. "Did she put you up to it?"

"No! Leigh... no. It wasn't like that. It wasn't a game. I liked you and I fell for you... and yes, I've told Olivia a lot about you, but she was pleased for me. She likes you."

"Well, that makes me feel much better." Her voice is acidic. "I'm sure she loves to hear all about me - how exciting I am in bed for you. You must have laughed yourselves sick."

I shake my head helplessly.

"What's the worst thing you've done with her? Just how bad is this, Gil?"

"Leigh... I can't..."

"No, go on. You've told her about me - the least you can do is return the favour. Tell me, or I'll leave now and it really is over for us."

I stare at her for a long moment, until finally she uncurls her feet from under her and stands up.

"No! Leigh, don't go, please don't go. Oh god... okay, I'll tell you."

She doesn't say anything, but she stops moving.

"The worst thing..." A dozen memories flash through my head, each more perverted than the last. I can't look at Leigh. "She... she took me to a party once. Long before I met you. I was in a hood... anonymous... naked. I was..." The words come out in a rush. "I was chained up. A toy for the other guests. Some of them were... cruel." My face is hot as I remember it - the look on their faces, my incoherent begging... how often I've jacked off to the memory since.

"You were a toy for the other guests."

My voice is a whisper. "Yes." I look up, just in time to see the blood drain from her face. Without thinking I stand up and catch her arm.

"Don't touch me!"

Startled, I let go as if I've been burned and Leigh moves away, collecting her things.

She's going to leave. I can't bear it. "Leigh... please. Please don't go. I love you." It's the first time I've ever said it, and she's leaving me.

"Goodbye Gil." She looks at me for one last time. The door closes.