As Good As Guitars Ch. 13

October 2011

"Siiiiiiii..."

The wail comes from the bedroom, so I put down the magazine and go through. James is stood in front of the mirror, looking disconsolately at the crumpled bow tie draped around his neck.

We're meeting friends at the theatre, and James loves to dress up. He turns to me. "Help me, baby - I can't make it work." I step behind him and take the tie, dropping it again a second later to nuzzle into his neck instead. He squirms, laughing. "You don't know how, do you?"

"Not a clue - mine's on elastic. I just wanted to be able to do this." I nuzzle again, smelling his cologne. He twists around and we kiss, and I wonder if we'll be disastrously late if we fuck now. I'm about to try my luck when the doorbell rings.

Groaning, I pull away. "I'll get it. You figure out how to tie this properly." He swats at my arse as I leave.

I'm still laughing as I open the door, but it fades as soon as I register what I'm seeing. Leigh's stood on the step, tears pouring down her face. She's holding herself tightly, huddled into her coat. Every line of her body says that she's in pain.

"Leigh! Come in. What is it? What's wrong?"

She steps past me, trying to say something but incoherent. All I can make out is one word. "Gil..."

The theatre vanishes. Either Leigh's come to tell me that he's been hit by a bus - my blood runs cold at the thought - or... or she's found out about Olivia. Either way, I'm not going anywhere this evening.

I'm guiding her to the sofa as James walks in, bow tie knotted neatly. "We should be -" He stops when he sees her. He knows who Leigh is - his boyfriend's best mate's girlfriend - and they get on well enough, but they're not especially close.

I move over to him, not wanting Leigh to know that she's interrupting our evening. "You go, sweetheart. It's okay, honest."

"You're a good person, Si. Okay, I'll make your excuses. You won't mind if I'm back late?"

I kiss him. "I'll wait up." He leaves, and I put the kettle on.

When I sit down next to Leigh a few moments later the tears have stopped, although she's still wrapped in her coat.

"Tea? Wine? Gin?" I place all three on the coffee table, together with a box of tissues.

"Oh..." She reaches for a tissue and wipes her eyes. "Tea is good."

"Leigh, what's happened?"

She lets out a shaky breath. "Gil's been seeing someone else. Some older woman... I went to see him this evening..." She starts crying again, and I hold her while she shakes.

I could punch Gil, the stupid fucking coward. He knew this would happen.

Finally the tears dry and she sits up, taking off her coat and this time reaching for her mug. "I'm so sorry, I didn't know where else to come. I had to talk to someone."

"It's okay, I'm glad you came." Glad at least that she came to me and not someone else. "What happened? How did you find out?"

The words pour out. "We were at a party last week and she was there. It was a complete fluke, I think - he didn't act like he knew he'd see her. Anyway..." She sighs shakily. "They had a row, a full-on shouting match, which kind of gave the game away, so I asked him who she was and he told me they'd slept together... I went to see her - I thought she was just some jumped-up tart and I was going to tell her to stay the fuck away from my boyfriend, but she was so polite... Then she told me that she's known him since he was 23. I saw him this evening and it's true, they've been together for years..."

"Leigh, I'm so sorry."

She laughs bitterly. "That's not the worst part. The worst part is, he pays her for sex. Kinky sex. I'm in love with a man who pays someone to -" She stops herself. "Jesus. I can't believe I've been so stupid. All those people who warned me... Even you warned me."

I don't know whether to tell her that I already know all this. "Yes."

My face must give me away, because as I watch, her expression changes. She stares at me. "You knew? You knew he was seeing someone, and you didn't tell me? You bastard."

I try to defend myself. "I didn't think it was my place to tell you. I'm sorry, maybe I should have done. I did tell him to tell you - we both did."

"Both? James knows as well?" She slams her mug down and heads for the door, before apparently changing her mind. "Fuck, Simon, does everyone know? Am I the only person who didn't? Has everyone spent our whole relationship laughing at me?"

The raw anguish on her face makes my heart ache. I stand up and take her arms, holding her still. She tries to pull away, but I'm stronger. "Leigh, look at me. I meant Olivia, not James. I'm the only one who knows about her. Just me. That's all - not James, not Rachel, not anyone else. I've never told anyone else, and I never will. Gil doesn't tell people about her - he didn't intend to tell me. No-one is laughing at you, and no-one else will ever know the truth about why you've dumped him unless it's you that tells them. Okay?"

She's staring at the floor, but finally looks up at me. "Honestly?"

"Honestly. Trust me, Leigh."

Her mouth twists. "Do you know all of it? What she does?"

I sigh. "Yes." We're moving back to the sofa as I talk, and sit down.

"How?"

I wish I didn't have to say this. "I've met her."

Now that it's all coming out, Leigh's surprisingly calm. "At a party, you mean?"

"At his place in Cornwall. Right before he and I got together."

"Cornwall?" She sounds crushed. "There's nothing I've got that she hasn't already had, is there?"

Right now I hate Gil for putting her through this, even though I'm going to defend him. "He loves you, Leigh - I've never seen him so happy. I know you're hurting right now, but he'll be hurting worse. He'll know how badly he's fucked up."

"I don't know if I can deal with this."

She falls silent, so I get up and make myself a G&T. Vaguely I wonder if James is having fun, and sigh for my abandoned evening.

When I go back to Leigh she's sat staring blankly into space, lost in thought. I hope she does forgive him. Gil's crazy about her, and right now he'll be devastated. I make a mental note to ring Rachel and give her an edited version of what's happened. She'll find out soon enough that something's badly wrong, but she doesn't need to know all the sordid details.

Finally Leigh stirs beside me. "Simon, thank you. I don't know if I could have gone to someone else."

"Has it helped?" I hope so, ruined plans or not.

"Yes, I think so." She stands up and puts her coat on.

"You going to be okay?"

"Yes. I'll leave you in peace - I'm so sorry about taking up your evening. Can I get a cab from nearby?"

"There's a stand at the end of the street." At the door she gives me a hug and kisses my cheek, and I watch until I see her safely disappear.

~

Ten days or so later I'm at home doing nothing much when my phone rings, the display telling me that it's Leigh. "Hey sweetheart, I've been thinking that I should call. How are you?"

"I'm okay. I went home to mum - how clichéd is that? I told her Gil and I had had a row, so she's been feeding me - I must be spherical." She sounds much happier than when I saw her last. "Are you busy? I wanted to ask your advice."

"Sure. I don't know how useful I'll be, but go ahead."

"What do I do, Simon? Do I just take him back and pretend nothing's happened?"

"Do you want to take him back?"

"I love him. At least, I did... I think I still do, and when I saw him last he told me that he loved me. I want to believe him, but how does that fit with...?" She lets out a breath. "I've been reading a lot online. Dan Savage, mostly, and I found a couple of blogs that really helped... I've been trying to understand. Trying to work out how I'd have reacted if he'd sat me down and explained, back at the beginning."

"And?" I glance down and see that I've crossed my fingers for luck.

"I can't do what she does."

"Maybe not, but Olivia can't do what you do."

"But what if I'm not enough, not in the end? What happens if I take him back and we carry on like before and then he leaves me anyway? What if he gets bored of me?" I hear a quiet sniff and realise that she's crying. "Dammit, why is this so hard?"

"Leigh..." I trail off, feeling utterly useless.

"What if he's already given up on me? I haven't spoken to him since I walked out. I blocked his number, so I don't know if he's tried to call. He's probably out partying, reminding himself how good it is to be single."

"No... he's not." It would be unkind to tell her any more than that.

Gil's not tried to call her. He's been staying with Rachel, both of us realising after a couple of days that it wasn't wise to leave him on his own. She rings me every evening with an update but it's always the same - he won't get out of bed, and he refuses to either eat or speak. On the day I helped Rachel collect him I told him about Leigh's visit, which was a mistake. To my shame, after an hour of his obsessive questioning I lost my temper with him, and Rachel tells me he's not said a word since then. James and I have visited more than once, but each time Gil just turned away and ignored us until we gave up.

Leigh's voice cuts into my thoughts. "Simon, why didn't he tell me about her? You said that you told him he should."

"He was afraid of your reaction. He didn't want to tell you about it in case you'd think he was a pervert. He thought you'd leave him."

"For fuck's sake, there's no way I'd have been more upset if he'd told me up front than I was when I actually found out. And as for me thinking he's a pervert... I saw his porn collection the weekend we started sleeping together. I didn't have a problem with it. I would have dealt with the rest, if he'd told me. I would have done."

"Not everyone's as open-minded as that, Leigh, and you know how insecure Gil can be."

"I know." The anger's gone from her voice. "I just... I just wish he'd trusted me enough. I think that's actually what hurts the most - that he thought he couldn't tell me. I wish he had."

We're both silent for a moment. I wish he had too.

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

Leigh sighs. "I don't know. I know what I want to do - I want to throw ultimatums around and tell him he can never see her again. But that's not going to work, is it? I'll lose him."

Her understanding astounds me. "Maybe not straight away, but in the long run... yes, I think so."

"How did you deal with it?"

I'm not expecting the question, although I suppose it's the logical one. I try to think back. "It was just part of who Gil was, I guess. But we were different - I knew about Olivia before we started dating. I just sort of put her in a separate compartment in my head and didn't think about it too much."

"I haven't stopped thinking about her."

"I can believe it. Look, perhaps you could think of her as his physio, something like that? Someone necessary for his maintenance... I don't know, you should be asking him, not me."

She laughs ruefully. "I know. I think I'm ready to see him - if you think he'll want see me?"

That makes me laugh. "I'm not sure there's anything else he'd want more."

"Really? I thought maybe... maybe he'd been with her."

"He's staying with Rachel."

"Oh." She pauses, perhaps guessing at how bad it's been. "Is he okay?"

"No, not really. Leigh - I don't like to impose, but will you do something for me?"

"Mm?"

"I'll support you, whatever your final decision is. But please don't go and see Gil if you're not sure yet - don't mess him around. He's in a bad way, and I don't want to see him hurt worse than he already is. I'm his friend too, you know."

"He's lucky to have you."

I grin. "I know."

"Thanks, Simon. I'm lucky to have you, too."