Astrid in Love Ch. 09

Astrid in Love

Free the Dancing Llamas

Chapter 9: Guilt

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Caius had always been the kind of man to stand by his word, If he promised he'd do something - it didn't matter to who - then he would do everything in his power to do it. Even at great personal cost.

Even.

At.

Great.

Personal.

Cost.

Especially when it came to his clan. The Melbourne wolves clan was everything to him, had been there for him always. They were his brothers and sisters perhaps not in the blood sense but in every other way, and they had done so much for him throughout his life. So, when the opportunity had finally come where he felt like he could really pay them back, really help in keeping them safe. Well, Caius had taken it.

Without question, without thought, Caius had jumped at the chance to help with the clan.

He just didn't realise he'd come to regret it so much.

He just didn't realise that there were some things that were stronger than the clan.

And it was a shame that he'd only realised too late, because it had happened - Caius had done it finally.

He had managed sex with Vanessa, and he'd everything but cum. Truly, he'd managed to get it up, gotten in there, kept going and going and going. Nothing would come out, no release. But it had been sex. And at least it was progress and had pleased the wolf queen, even if it hadn't resulted in the spilling of seed.

He'd tried everything he could to let go, most of it involved picturing Astrid beneath him instead of Vanessa. But nothing. His wolf had gone suspiciously quiet throughout the whole ordeal as well and Caius had a feeling he'd seriously pissed off the beast which was never a good thing.

So he'd done it. Mostly. And now?

Now, Caius sat on his bed, looking at his hands and resisting the urge to rip out his own damned heart.

He should have felt ecstatic - he'd managed to start fulfilling his clan's promise.

Ok, Vanessa wasn't pregnant, because well, that needed to involve his seaman, but maybe if he kept trying, kept away from Astrid, he'd be able to perform his duty. He knew he'd done well for his clan tonight, but yet all that burned through him was misery and shame.

And disgust. So much disgust he didn't know if he'd ever be able to look at himself in the mirror again. Actually, he's smashed his mirror as soon as he'd returned to his room from Vanessa. It had shattered so easily beneath his fist. Which was also another poor choice, because if you believed in superstitions then he just gave himself a whole seven years of bad luck. And really, hadn't this year been enough?

It wasn't like the sex had been bad, actually all things considered, it'd been pretty good in the physical sense. But it just hadn't felt right, it hadn't been with the right person, and Caius wondered if that was why the last part of his body hadn't been able to let go. If Vanessa had truly been his mate wouldn't it have been easy? The way the other mated werewolves spoke in his clans, they'd had no problem when they'd found their mate.

Although, those wolves had been given a choice to find their mate. Caius, had kind of been pushed towards Vanessa and was told she was his mate. That was not how it was supposed to work. He knew that, but he'd ignored that little detail and told himself that for his clan he could do it.

Because finding one's mate was a statistical anomaly, even with wolves.

Either way, the guilt was huge, it circulated through him unyielding, pounding against his brain. He felt like he'd betrayed Astrid, which was a ridiculous thought, because nothing was going on with him and Astrid. She had told him so many times that she wasn't interested in him except to occasionally blow off some steam.

So why feel guilty? Astrid had made it perfectly clear that she was only interested in sex, nothing more. She didn't feel anything for him. Right?

So why did it feel like cheating? Why did it feel like he'd just betrayed the most important person in his life? Why did it feel like he'd just committed the most heinous crime?

The only thing worse than the idea of having betrayed Astrid was the idea of her finding out. Caius didn't know why, but the sinking feeling in his stomach told him that she would be devastated.

Because...because...oh hell!

Caius knew in the depths of his god-damned soul that Astrid was his mate. He didn't need his wolf yipping at him twenty-four hours, seven days a week to figure it out. And surely she knew that too? It was a chance so unlikely; that when two convergent souls finally united in the universe that both parties should evidently know. There was no way in hell she didn't at least feel the pull.

It'd been like that from the very beginning, from the very moment he'd seen her. The very reason he'd even come out to talk to her was the incessant feeling that he should.

And when he'd gone to her room that first time? Watched her pleasure herself in the bathtub? The pull had brought him there too, had told him to seek her out. He'd thought it had been some weird magic. But it hadn't, it'd been the instinct, the instinct telling him that this woman - this annoying, petulant witch - she was his mate.

But Caius couldn't live like that, couldn't make foolish decisions on his instincts. His wolf could live like that, but not him. He had a duty.

A duty that felt unimportant and stupid now. It would tear him apart to fulfil it. But Caius; well, Caius was a man who would do anything for his clan.

Or he was. Astrid had changed that. It was just a shame that it was too late.

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Caius found himself in the kitchen, getting a snack between shifts. He was, all things considered, not in the best of moods. It didn't help that the other Sydney clan wolves were giving him cheek about the wolf queen.

He could handle it, or usually could, but then Astrid had to go and walk in and suddenly Caius felt himself tense.

The inevitable that he had been avoiding...he had a feeling it was about to come out. Of course he knew exactly when Astrid entered the kitchen. It'd been between his third and fourth bite of his sandwich. She had some in, and like clockwork, started preparing some tea.

Probably to take into the security tapes room. She'd probably sit in there analysing the footage and sip her tea. Most likely while fidgeting in the chair, because she could never quite sit still. Was there a thing he didn't notice about her? Probably not, even out of the corner of his eye he was always watching her, always had to when she was in his space. It was as much a compulsion as it was a need.

"Hey man," Anthony called out, one of the other out-of-town wolves, "I hear congratulations are in order."

He could see the little witch pause in her making of the tea, obviously pretending she wasn't listening. Despite the fact she'd barred him from her room and refused to speak to him all week, she still, also, seemed to keep him in her periphery whenever they were in the same space. What the fuck were they doing?

"Don't get too excited, Vanessa isn't pregnant," Rodney piped in. Caius could have kicked the wolf in the face. And would have if it wouldn't cause some kind of massive problem.

Caius felt sick to his stomach, felt like he was in a moment of limbo where he was waiting for something to happen. He knew that this was going to happen at some point. But despite his waiting, nothing seemed to happen. The witch continued making the tea as if all was fine. Well, it may have been what she looked like, but Caius knew in the tense set of her mouth and the rigidity of her shoulders that she had definitely heard and understood the conversation around her.

The sickness almost came out of his mouth, but he comported himself.

She is angry, his wolf hissed.

'No shit', he thought to his wolf.

I am angry, wolf turned it's back to him

'Get in line' Caius thought back to the beast. But the beast didn't reply back. Instead it almost felt like in the place of his wolf, there was now a door. Firm and unyielding.

He wanted to curse the two men in the room. Neither of them seemed to notice the tight expression on astrid's face, the slight falter in her eyes. But he did. And just like that she seemed to move out of the room and out of his life.

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Astrid could only feel white hot rage and anger seeping through her body. She knew she was shaking, shaking so much she could barely open her bedroom door. She was still trying to understand what exactly she'd just heard.

Congratulations? Caius? Vanessa? Pregnant?

They'd had sex. That was the only explanation.

That cheating bastard had done it and Astrid just wanted to fucking blow him up.

But no, that wasn't quite right, she knew. Cheating would indicate that they'd been in a relationship, but they hadn't, had they? She'd made certain of that.

Being around him made her foggy. She needed to get out. Everything passed around her in a blur, she wasn't sure where she was going, or what she was doing until she suddenly found herself above ground, outside the Magic Shop and knock on the door like a maniac.

Her older sister, Ana, answer the door, wrenching it open in a flurry. Her sister's expression registered as surprise and as Ana was about to open her mouth, Astrid burst into tears.

"Astrid!" Ana grabbed her arm and brought her inside quickly shutting and locking the door behind her, "Goddess above, what's going on? Are you ok?"

Ana wrapped her arms around her sister, holding her tightly. For the first time in a very long time, Astrid held her sister back and clung like she was a child. She couldn't remember the last time she'd clung to Ana like this, probably when they found our their parents had died.

Astrid tried to speak but found she couldn't. The sobs shaking her very being. Instead Astrid shook her head, gasping for air, fighting for oxygen through her tears.

"I can't," she spat out.

"Are you hurt?"

"I can't" Astrid managed between big, shaking sobs.

She could hear the other witches in the house stirring, could feel it in her bones. And then, then she actually felt it. She felt arms come around her, holding her, from all sides, until she was completely surrounded by all of them.

She couldn't see past the tears, but she knew, just knew that she was safe now, wrapped in the arms of her sisters and coven. All of them there, holding her, comforting her, unquestioning in their love and devotion.

Caius may have abandoned her, but she had her sisters and the other witches; she would always have them.

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Caius was obviously a glutton for punishment. There was no bloody other reason he'd be outside of the Magic Shop he knew Astrid would be at. The magic shop that contained all of Astrid's witch friends and sisters.

The magic shop that contained a bunch of women who knew exactly how to kick his ass and he knew he'd deserve it.

Yes, Caius was clearly a glutton for punishment as well as an absolute heel. But he knew, even if she didn't want him in her life, that he had to apologise. There was no way that he could keep living his life if he knew she was hurt, especially when he had caused the hurting.

Caius knocked on the door hesitantly, unsure of what he would say if someone other than Astrid opened the door. And that was a real possibility due to the aforementioned fact that a bunch of witches lived here.

A young woman answered the door, she couldn't have been more than 18 years old and she had Astrid's eyes. He knew it had to have been her younger sister, although he couldn't quite remember her name. Something sad had happened to her, Astrid had once told him.

"Hi," she smiled, "I'm sorry but the shop's closed. It'll be open at 2.00pm."

"I'm not here for the shop. I'm here to see Astrid. She's your sister right?"

The girl gave him a long inscrutable look.

"Ohhh," the girl said as if she were truly looking at him for the first time, "Well, you ought to come in. She's very angry with you, you know. I'm not sure what you did, but you've hurt her." she said blankly, "My name's Lena, by the way."

"i'm Caius," he replied, Lena shook his hand, "It's kind of complicated. I didn't mean to hurt her."

The witch gave him another strange look as if she was deciding whether or not he was a moron and had, in fact, discovered that yes, yes he was.

"It's love. Love isn't complicated, you either know you love some or you don't, and then you take action. Its pretty simple really." It was like she had shot an arrow straight into the bullseye. Were all witches this perceptive, or did this one just have uncanny powers?

"Well maybe that's true. But i'm an idiot and your sister is stubborn, so I guess we've made it complicated."

"That sounds like my sister," Lena nodded, "She over-complicates everything. Although that doesn't mean you can hurt her." she glared, "I ought to hex you. But I know she wouldn't want that despite what she says. So I'm just going to tell you that she's upstairs in the bedroom on the left and her door's unlocked."

Caius nodded, "Thank you, Lena." he paused in the doorway, "Can I ask, why are you helping me?"

She girl sighed, looking down at her hand. He noticed she was staring at a peculiar gold ring on her finger, "You know, Caius. I'm of the belief that if you're lucky enough to find love, you should hang onto it for however long you can. You never know how long you'll have until it slips away. Sometimes a night, sometimes forever."

Caius nodded, deciding that she was an uncanny and wise witch for someone so young. He brushed passed to head up towards the bedrooms.

Lena shouted after him as he moved to the stairs, "Don't mess it up, 'cause then I will have to hex you."

"I'll try my best." he replied over his shoulder.

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The last person Astrid expected to see in her bedroom was Caius. She instantly felt nausea creep through her stomach, tears which she thought she'd run out of pressed against her eyes. Just who in the hell had let him up?

She knew she looked like a messy: face pale and blotchy from crying, nose runny, eyes red. If she'd at least be warned before he'd come up she would have done her best to appear normal. She didn't want Caius seeing her like this, because then he'd know, he'd know exactly how terrifyingly much she felt for him. He's realise, and it'd be humiliating because clearly he didn't give a shit about her. Evidently, didn't even like her.

If he had any sort of interest in Astrid, it had died, probably because of her foul temper and treatment. Had she really thought, deep down, that locking him out of her room and refusing to speak to him would be okay? That he'd bother to stick around?

No - no evidently he was like most men, who if he couldn't get laid, would find someone else to rut.

"Hi," he waved at her.

'Hi'? really? That's what he was going to say to her now?

"What are you doing here?" Astrid managed to say without crying.

"I came to see you," he said softly, sitting down on the edge of her bed. Was it bad that her immediate impulse was to want to lean over and bury her face in his chest and inhale his scent? She felt so mad with herself - how could she want that when he had...betrayed her so easily?

"Why?"

"I don't know," Caius shrugged, "I just thought that maybe we should talk."

"About what? I have nothing to say to you." That wasn't quite true, but she was so exhausted of it all.

"Why are you so angry with me?" What the hell kind of question was that, Astrid wondered. Was he really asking her? How could he be so thick?

"Why do you think?" She was yelling at him, she realised. She had thought she'd have no more emotions left when it came to Caius. Evidently not.

"Astrid you give me nothing - I don't know if there is something between us or if there isn't."

"There isn't. Not ever."

"Well then, why do I feel so sick with myself," he asked, eyes gazing at her imploringly, "And why are you so angry with me? because that's not how either of us should feel if there's nothing between us."

It was a kick in the guts. It this was him telling her how she felt then he could take it and shove it up his ass.

"I hate you. I hate you so much, you make me sick," she spat out, "You disgust me and I care barely stand the sight of you. The only reason i withstand your attentions is because sometimes I need relief and you're convenient. So leave, you're not welcome here. Do I need to go on?"

She could see his face drop, and Astrid felt like she'd just done irreparable damage. Why did this have to be so damn hard? and so damn confusing?

"You've made yourself clear. I'm sorry - I had no idea you felt that way about me."

"Now you know. Don't come near me again. I won't be home tonight. I'll be out finding a real man who can actually be with me, instead of treating me like some...some side piece."

She choked on the last word, a fresh set of tears pulling through her eyes. She buried her face in her hands and tried to slow her breathing.

"And guess what?" Astrid continued, venom now in her voice, "I'm going to fuck him like you fucked Vanessa."

"Don't do that, Astrid," Caius' voice was surprisingly soft, hurt, "Don't do something you'll regret."

"Moiriai Ascludija" Astrid hissed between her teeth.

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Before he knew what was happening, Caius could feel himself being pulled by some sort of magical force until he was back outside the magic shop, door locked in his face.

Shit.

Well, that had definitely not gone well.

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A/n: Really this chapter should be called: 'Caius and Astrid are morons', but that's too long. If you have any other titles that you think this chapter should be called, leave it in the comments section. I really hated writing this chapter. It took me like six months and I'm still not happy with it.

As I said in the last update, these chapters are plot development and zero sexy.

But next chapter is all the sexy and then some. So stay tuned. It didn't take me 6 months to write the next chapter. It's probably one of the first I wrote in this series.

In conclusion: fuck this chapter and yay for the next chapter. See you guys in a few days.