Audit Surprise Ch. 03

We sat for the longest time in complete silence only glancing at the other in hopes that someone would say something and break the eerie tension. I don't think either of us knew where to start or for that matter how. I wanted to tell him how so deeply sorry I was. I wanted to confess all my sins. I wanted to lie prostrate on the deck, kiss his feet, and beg his forgiveness. I wanted to tell him how much I still loved him. I wanted to tell him everything in my heart. But I didn't know how to begin. I came a thousand miles to see him and now that I was sitting across from him I couldn't say anything.

"How have you been Sheryl?" he asked.

"I'm better now Marty. How've you been?"

"Good. But I don't think you came here to exchange platitudes. Why don't you tell me what's been going on in your life since..." He trailed off looking down at his hands.

I opened up the floodgates and let everything fly. "Marty, I don't know how much you know so I'll just tell you everything but give you just the highlights. The sexual harassment suit against Enterprise settled between the lawyers. We didn't have to go to court or arbitration. They gave me a decent settlement and with the money you gave me I had enough to move to Cincinnati and start over. My cousin Rachel helped me out a lot. You remember Rachel. She was at our wedding; she was the one with the limp. Anyway, she found me a place to live and helped me find a new job. I'm working for a software company teaching customers how to use our systems. It's a good job and the people there are nice. I've been seeing a psychologist ever since I left Boston. He's helped me to understand why I did what I did. The most important thing I learned was that everything, and I mean everything, was my fault. You did nothing to cause any of this. I'm to blame. You were just an innocent bystander. I know I said I'm sorry a thousand times to you before our... our divorce, but I meant it every time I said it, and I mean it now. I'm so, so sorry for everything I did to you, and to us. I know words can't change what happened but I want you to hear them anyway. I'm sorry Marty for everything.

"I was pretty messed up for a long time after you found out. I even tried to kill myself once. Sadly, I was even a failure at that. My therapist told me that it was a desperate act aimed at getting your attention. It probably was but I didn't do it to heap more pain on your shoulders, I was just trying to get out from under my own. But you never knew what I did; Rachel never called and told you. Like I said I was a real mess. I didn't think killing myself would hurt you. And, the stuff I did with the managers at Enterprise was something else I didn't think would hurt you. I thought if you didn't find out then it wouldn't hurt you. Boy was I wrong. I never realized how much I hurt myself which in turn hurt you. My therapist also told me something that I never knew but looking back at my life I know he's right. He said I have little confidence in my own abilities and low self esteem. That means I believed I couldn't be promoted on my own merits. That's the main reason I did what I did. Having sex with Brad would guarantee a promotion. I learned afterwards that the CEO had already talked to the board about promoting me. I made an incredibly bad decision to start with Brad and it got out of hand with the other three. I'm not going to give you any bullshit excuses and say I was coerced into it; I went into it on my own free will. I thought it would stop when I got promoted. I didn't think beyond the promotion.

"Marty, I don't know how you found out and don't really care, all I know is you did. When you sent everybody in the company that email with the video of me and the four managers I was devastated. I wasn't hurt because everybody saw me having sex with someone, I was hurt because you were so crushed you wanted to hurt me back. I deserved it. I know that now. And I would have accepted any punishment you wanted if you only heard me out and listened to my apology. But you didn't. When your lawyer said you refused to talk to me and never wanted to see me again I went a little crazy. I destroyed the only man I've ever loved, and will ever love, and you wouldn't talk to me.

"And God what I did to the families of those men. Did you know that three of them got divorced because of what we did? The fourth one's wife said she could make him more miserable married to him than by divorcing him. I imagine she's doing just that. Marty, I helped ruin four families, no five including ours. Their wives and children didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve this. All because I wanted that job. When I filed the sexual harassment lawsuit Enterprise fired three of the men and the fourth retired. I don't know what happened to them because I haven't spoken to any of them, but I'm positive I messed up their lives too. That's more than a dozen people devastated because I was ambitious.

"The lies I told you were hateful too. To cover up what I did I lied about everything. Believe this Marty; I never lied to you up until that point. Since the day we were married I always shared everything with you. Then the lies started. I started with Brad and lied to cover it up. For that I'm truly sorry. I hope some day you find it in your heart to trust me again. If not I'll understand.

"I just want to say a couple more things before I start crying again. I hope you believe me when I tell you that all the sex I had with those men didn't mean half as much as one night in your loving arms. It's a cliché I know but they used my body for sex, with you I made love. I never did anything with them I didn't do with you. I never enjoyed what they did half as much as what we did. I'll admit I had orgasms with them from time to time but that was just my body reacting to the sex. The orgasms weren't bigger or better or stronger, they were just physical reactions to what we did. Three of them used me for their own pleasure without any regard for my feelings, one was kind and giving. I have to tell you that I enjoyed being with him but it wasn't the same as being with you. And most importantly of all I never once told them I loved them. I told them a lot of other bullshit but I never said 'I love you.' I only said that to you and always meant it. And as God is my witness I love you as much now as I ever have.

"The last year has been hell for me. Not having you in my life made me half a person and I guess it was equally difficult for you. But Marty, I'll do anything to get you back. I'll accept any punishment, take any conditions you want, make any sacrifices. Tell me what you want and I'll do it. I doesn't matter what, I'll do anything. If you want me to fall down on the floor and kiss your feet, I will. I you want to humiliate me publically in front of family and friends I'll gladly stand there and take it. If you want to get your revenge by having sex with other women while I sit there and watch, you can. Do anything you want, just let me back into your life. Please, I beg of you."

I started sobbing and couldn't finish. Marty sat quietly for the few minutes it took get control again.

"I'm sorry. I said I wasn't going to cry until I finished. Marty I'm sorry to hear about your father. He was a great man and I will always remember him warmly. I stopped by your parents' grave to pay my respects. That's how I found out where you lived.

"Please accept my apology for letting you down. If you can find it in your heart please forgive me for everything I've done. And if there's any feeling for me left inside you please tell me you love me again. More than anything else in this world I want to come back to you. I want to be Mrs. Marty Hughes again. I miss you and pray that you will take me back. Please Marty. I love you."

I put my hands over my eyes and let the tears start again.

The whole time I talked Marty sat in his chair and listened. He didn't move and he didn't say anything. I only occasionally glanced up at his face during the whole time I spoke. I didn't have the guts to look him in the eye. I can't tell what he thought.

"Excuse me," Adrianna said poking her head out the door. "If you want something to eat we're about to put dinner on the table. When you want to take a break come on in." As quickly as she appeared, she disappeared.

"Would you like to take a break?" Marty asked. "We can get a little something to eat if you want."

A while ago I realized I hadn't gone to the bathroom since I left the airport and I now realized I haven't eaten anything either. "I'd like to clean up a bit first if you don't mind," I said wiping a tear off my cheek. Marty escorted me to the bathroom again and afterwards to the dining room. When we walked in I saw that there were now five people sitting around the table: A tall redheaded man and a slightly frightening looking young woman with jet black hair and a number of piercings and tattoos had joined the three women while Marty and I were outside talking. While we all sat quietly eating everybody studied every move I made waiting for, I don't know what.

Dinner was hell. I wanted to hear Marty's story and sat playing with my food hoping he'd say he loved me too. Waiting to hear him tell me he wanted me back was pure agony. After dinner everybody took their dirty dishes back to the kitchen and just stood around in an uneasy peace. It was when Marty excused himself to go wash up that the group changed. Mandy and Adrianna cornered me by the refrigerator and got nose to nose with me.

Mandy glared at me and said, "I want your ass out of here just as soon as you've said what you came to say. I told you that I wouldn't allow you to do anything to hurt him and I mean it. If I have to drag your slutty ass back to whatever trailer park you came from by God I'll do it."

Adrianna chimed in after Mandy finished, "Yeah bitch! If that man so much as sheds a single tear over anything you say or do today I'll find you and stomp your sorry ass into the ground. Marty's our friend and we don't want to see him hurt any more than he already has been. Begging for forgiveness and asking him to love you again will just hurt him more. He's in a better place now and has moved on. Forget about him and go back home. You threw him away."

I looked around and saw the other three standing and watching. The one with all piercings was smiling at me in a way that immediately gave me the creeps. I just wanted to run and hide. Then Marty came back and saved my hide.

"Sheryl lets go back outside and finish our talk. I'll bring us something to drink." I walked out the door and stood on the deck watching everybody through the window. At one point the little Asian woman said something to Marty and he smiled. That was the first smile I've seen on his face for a very, very long time. I missed it a lot more than I could have imagined. It hurt me to see someone else put it there.

Marty brought out two bottles of water and when we were back in our seats he began. "Sheryl, I appreciate your candor today telling be about what's been going on with you since... well since everything fell apart. I sense a change in you. Maybe you've grown, maybe you've confronted your demons, maybe you really do understand the consequences of your action. Whatever the case I want to ask a question that I really need an honest answer to. Then I'll tell you about me. After that we can talk about us.

"Sheryl, my lawyer asked you a simple question several times that you wouldn't or couldn't answer. He said that each time he asked all you did was break down in hysterics. I don't want to hurt you but I need an answer. Without it I think our little talk is over. Okay? Here goes. Why did you give the phone, and me, the finger when you hung up after talking to me when you were with those guys?"

I knew he was going to insist on an answer to that question and I think I was now ready to tell him. "Marty, I've done a lot of stupid things in my life but I think giving you the finger was probably the stupidest, at least it was the crudest. My therapist and I talked about it a lot and I can tell you now the reason I did it. There's no simple answer and it's not just one thing, but the main reason I did that was because I was trying to convince myself, and the man who was with me at the time, that you were a rotten, no good husband. In my mind I believed that if you were bad to me then I wouldn't feel guilty cheating on you. Boy was I wrong. I felt guilty as hell every time I touched one of those guys. I thought that by play-acting that you were evil then I wasn't. Again I was wrong. I was the bad guy in this story; you were just an innocent bystander. And by letting the man I was having sex with see me do that then they believed that you were a wimp and my marriage was meaningless. All stupid ideas in retrospect but that's what I was thinking. By giving you the finger I was saying you didn't matter, but whoever was with me did. It was a bald-faced lie and it came back to bite me in the ass big time. I never meant it. I didn't want you to fuck off. It was just some bullshit play-acting thing to cover my guilt. I'm sorry I ever did it and I'm more than sorry you ever saw it. I apologize for ever doing it."

I watched Marty's face as he digested my explanation. Every word I said was the God's honest truth. I was just play-acting. I didn't mean to disrespect him. I thought at the time it was harmless. I couldn't have been more wrong.

"Okay, I can see what you're saying. You did it to help lessen your guilt. I can understand that. Sheryl, I believe you're being honest with me, now. To tell you the truth, that one little action hurt me more than just about everything else. The sex and the lies were bad enough but that single act of disrespect tore me in two. I think that was the thing that made any chance of getting past what you did impossible. I still have flashes of memories seeing you do that, and it still hurts like hell."

"Is that why you wouldn't talk to me, because I didn't answer that question?"

"Well yes, but only partly. I think I used it as an excuse to not talk to you. I was so mad I didn't want to do or say anything that would hurt either of us and I certainly didn't want to go through all that pain again. It took my friends a long time to get me to the point where I could even talk about you. Seeing you here today is pretty difficult."

We sat back and took a drink of our water pausing to catch our breath.

"Okay Sheryl, like you did I'll give you the abridged version of my life over the last year. When I hit enter on my computer and sent out all those emails with the videos of you and your lovers I was mad, madder than I'd ever been in my life, so mad I could have killed somebody and that somebody could have been you. Mandy said I looked calm on the outside but inside there was a giant volcano erupting in my heart. I wanted to hurt you. Hell I wanted to hurt everybody. I knew I would destroy everything that you had built up with your job but I didn't care. Taking away the things you loved was the best revenge I could think of. And yes that included me. I just wanted you to hurt as much as I hurt. And emailing your supervisor's wives was my way of getting revenge on the men who took something from me. They took my wife from me and helped to destroy my marriage. Oh I blamed you for being a part of it but they were just as much to blame. I struck out at everybody and everybody paid dearly for it, including myself.

"Over the next couple months I got threatening phone calls and emails, some from Enterprise employees and some from friends of your four lovers. I talked to the wives of those men and tried to apologize but they were too hurt to listen. One even spit in my face. However, all four did take a copy of the raw footage to help in their divorce cases. I stayed at my Dad's for a couple months trying to get my head on straight. He was great and gave me a lot of beneficial advice and helped me to calm down and see things for what they were. After a few weeks I saw in his eyes the same stress I felt. I stopped talking to him and started thinking for myself. By the time I got back home you were long gone. I didn't try to find you or call you or anything. I was glad you were gone even though there was a hole the size of the Grand Canyon in my soul. I think I cried for three days straight before my little group of associates came over and said they were doing an intervention. It took a whole weekend but at the end of the second day I was laughing again. Afterwards Mandy and Adrianna were like mothers to me. They told me what to do, when to do it, and when to get it done. I needed that. Yan stayed with me night and day making sure I ate properly, got enough exercise, and made sure things at work didn't get messed up. Even Jackie came by once in a while. She kept trying to convince me to get a tattoo but I refused. Later she said she knew I wouldn't, she was just trying to get me out of my comfort zone of suffering and back to reality. I had become too comfortable in my sorrow. One weekend Red brought over a bunch of action DVDs and pizza and beer and we had a man's night in that lasted two whole days. Yan really got on my case for leaving pizza boxes and empty beer cans all over the living room and for not taking a shower all weekend. All in all it was rather cathartic.

"I wallowed in self-pity for about three months before I woke up one day and started living again. The first thing I did was put our condo on the market. You'd signed the divorce papers by then so I had no reason to stay there, too many memories. It took several months to sell, the housing market being the way it is, but by the time it did I was already living here. I understand a nice gay couple bought our old place. Anyway, my moving here was a new start. It was a break with the past and I needed that more than anything. When I received the notification that our divorce was final I started to slide back down hill. Yan stayed by my side until I found my way back. From that point on I've worked harder than I ever have before, stayed around the house working on my little bungalow, and spent as much time with my friends as I could. They were my rock. I don't know if I would have survived without them.

"Oh, I don't know if I should tell you this or not but my little video of your activities showed up on an amateur porn site about a month after I sent it to everybody. Red found it but I didn't ask him how. I didn't post it there, honestly, and I'm sorry that it got out. I don't know what you can do about it but I'll give you the URL anyway.

"I put the proceeds from the sale of the house in the bank and your half amounts to just over $22 thousand dollars. I'll write you a check tonight. Sorry I haven't sent it to you before now it's just that I didn't want to face you. Cowardly of me I know.

"Now before dinner you asked me a couple things. I think I can answer them now. I've been thinking about them for a long time anyway. You asked me to forgive you. Sheryl, I forgive you. I forgive you, but for totally selfish reasons. I can't be carrying around all that hate for you so by forgiving you I purge myself of those feelings. Sheryl, I no longer hate you. However, I don't love you any more either. Sure I can forgive you but I can't forget what you did. Believe it or not those couple times I watched you with your lovers destroyed every good memory you and I ever created. Gone were our hopes and dreams too. It's all gone Sheryl. Every good memory, every good feeling, every plan we ever made, it's all gone. And the animosity I felt is gone too. Right now I'm a clean slate learning to trust and love and believe all over again.

"So I guess you see where I'm going with all this. Sheryl, I don't have any feelings for you any more. The love is all gone. At one time I loved you more than anything in my life, now... There will be a Mrs. Marty Hughes, some day, but it won't be you. I can't look at you without seeing you bent over your desk with some guy behind you and I can't look at you without seeing you giving me the finger. I'm sorry if that ruins any hopes you had of reconciliation but I can't go back. That part of my past is too painful. I'm moving forward, without you."