Awakenings Ch. 04

I thought about Jeanne. I was still deeply in love with her. I wondered if she was dating. I suspected that she was. It was likely that Ruth talked to Jeanne frequently, so she probably knew. I was afraid to ask. I wasn't yet ready to know for sure.

Unable to sleep, I turned my computer back on and watched another Julia Ann movie. In the movie she seduced a man much younger than she was. I wondered if Jeanne was dating college men. Oddly, part of me hoped that she was. Sex with a virile young man would be exciting for her. As I watched the movie I masturbated while I imagined that Jeanne was Julia Ann.

Afterward I felt some remorse, but then I remembered Charles Montgomery telling me that after time he learned to enjoy Edith's affairs because they made her so happy. I loved Jeanne and I wanted her to be happy too. Could I possibly learn to enjoy her affairs? Was that possible? Could I actually reach a point where I was happy when my wife was out on a date with another man? I sensed that I wanted that, but how could I? It seemed to be so very wrong.

Confused about my feelings; but extremely tired, I drifted into an unsettled sleep.

From Boise Idaho I drove west to Seattle. It was now early October.

I spent two rainy days in Seattle. The evening I arrived I sent an email to Ruth telling her where I was.

The next morning I received a reply.

Michael

Thank you for the update about your trip. All of us are following you. Yes, I mean all of us. Of course Jason and I are eager to know where you are and what you're doing, but many others are too. Charles and Edith call me every week to ask if I've heard from you. And yes, Jeanne calls too. She calls me every day at lunch time. I also know that after she talks to me she always calls the girls to pass on the information you gave me. Michael all three of them love you very much and they miss you terribly. I miss you too Michael, so does Jason.

The firm is running well. Jason is a good manager. He's not as good as you, but he's learning quickly and he's getting the job done. We hired another accountant. We were swamped, we really needed one. He started yesterday. He graduated from college last spring. His name is Bernie Kyle. He's a wiry little guy and kind of shy, but he has a wonderful sense of humor. Both Jason and I like him. We told him that the job is only temporary, but when you return I hope we have enough business to keep him working for the firm.

David and I are still playing our fantasy game. It's a little crazy, but I never imagined that sex could be so much fun.

Be safe and when you're ready please come home. All of us miss you.

Ruth

I wrote back.

Ruth

I'm glad to hear that things are going well at the firm. I never doubted that you and Jason would be able to run the business competently. I'm relieved that you hired another accountant. I'm sure that your work load was overwhelming. If he works out I will do everything I possibly can to retain him after I return.

I'm also pleased to hear that you and David are still enjoying your fantasy game. Adding a little spice to a marriage is healthy.

Let me know if you need anything, otherwise you'll hear from me in a week. Say hello to Jason, Charles, Edith and David for me. And Ruth, please tell Jeanne and the girls that I love them.

Michael

The following morning I had another email from Ruth.

Michael

After I read your email I called Jeanne and read it to her. When I read the part where you told me to tell her that you loved her she was silent for a moment and then she asked me to read it again. I did. She asked me to read it another time. I did. The third time I read it she cried. Michael, Jeanne really does love you.

Oh and yes, she does know about the fantasy game I'm playing with David.

Ruth

I immediately wrote back.

Ruth

Do you know if Jeanne is dating?

Michael

A few minutes later Ruth wrote back.

Michael

Yes she is and while she is having sex on those dates, she adamantly maintains that it hasn't diminished her love for you at all. My conversations with Charles and Edith and the game that David and I are playing are helping me understand what she's saying. Jeanne contends that while we were taught that love and sex are synonymous, it isn't true or at least it doesn't have to be true. Jeanne is now convinced that sex can be a purely physical act and doesn't have to be an expression of love. It can just be fun.

Ruth

The next morning I left Seattle.

After I left Seattle I spent two weeks exploring the Cascade Mountains and the Oregon coast and then I drove south to San Francisco.

I arrived in San Francisco in early November. I found an old motel overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was just above The Cliff House. The Cliff House is an elegant old restaurant on the Pacific beach.

Lincoln Park was directly above my motel. When I explored the park I discovered a small municipal golf course with fabulous views of the Pacific Ocean, San Francisco Bay, the Golden Gate Bridge and downtown San Francisco. The next day I found a golf shop, bought a set of clubs and started playing every day.

Ruth and I continued to exchange emails. While they were mostly just news, ten days after I arrived in San Francisco she sent me one detailing a new development in the sex game she was playing with her husband.

Michael

Last night while David and I were watching one of our Roxanne Hall movies he asked me to tell him about the men I'd been with before we met. He knew that there had been several, but that was all he knew. He wanted to hear details, particularly about the sex. I was reluctant to tell him. I didn't want to hurt him or make him feel jealous. He was persistent, so I finally agreed.

As I confessed to you earlier, there were more than a few men. Actually there were many. I was trying to break that news to David gently, so I told him about four men that I'd dated regularly. At first I tried to be vague. I love David and I don't want to hurt him, but he pestered me for details. Michael you have to understand that we were both naked, we were watching a porn movie and David had been going down on me for at least twenty minutes. I was aroused. It also fit in with the game we've now been playing for almost three months. I have to admit that at that moment I actually wanted to tell David every seamy detail about those four other men. They're exciting memories and now the man I loved was asking me to share those memories with him.

I made him lie down on the bed with his head propped up on two pillows so he could still see the movie playing on the television. Once he was settled I wrapped my fingers around his erection and began telling him about some of the sex that I experienced before we got married.

In an earlier email I mentioned that I'd been with a number of men who were quite large. Those four men were all large, but one of them was much larger than the others. His name was Nick Granger. He was the last man I dated before I met David. Nick was tall, handsome and a real stud in bed. He had a cock of porn star proportions, he recovered quickly and he could go for an amazingly long time. He was entertaining out of bed too. Nick was funny and outgoing. Unfortunately he was also lazy, arrogant and a notorious womanizer. He was a great boyfriend, but lousy husband material. As soon as I got to know David, I ended my relationship with Nick.

After I started telling David about the sex I had with Nick I could feel him getting even more aroused than he already was. That excited me and without thinking I began eagerly and graphically describing how wonderful the sex with Nick had been. As soon as I realized what I was doing I stopped and tried to apologize to David, but he laughed and told me that there wasn't any reason to apologize. He was happy that I'd had a chance to experience such an outstanding lover.

At first I was shocked by David's reaction, but we talked about it and as we talked I realized that it fit with the game we've been playing. I relaxed, but I still I wanted to make sure that David was happy, so I started sucking his cock. While I was sucking him, David asked me if I ever missed the sex with Nick.

I love my husband. I didn't want to lie to him, but I also didn't want to hurt him so I carefully considered my answer.

I stopped sucking David, but I kept stroking him. As I stroked him, I admitted that I did have fond memories of the sex I had with Nick, but then I quickly explained to David that I loved him and because I loved him the sex I enjoyed with him would always be more satisfying than the sex I'd had with Nick.

David laughed and told me that he understood all of that, but I hadn't answered his question. He then asked it again. Did I ever miss the sex I had with Nick?

I laughed and asked him if he really wanted to know.

He said that he loved me and he was confident that I loved him too; so the fact that I enjoyed and missed the sex that I once had with another man shouldn't really matter.

I couldn't argue with his logic and I wanted to be honest with David so I admitted that there were times when I did think about the fun I used to have with Nick and yes at times I did miss the way he used to fuck me.

I was still a little worried about how David would react to that confession, but he surprised me. He sat up, patted the pillows and asked me to lie back on the bed and spread my legs. We quickly switched positions. As David slipped between my thighs, he said that he wanted me to watch the movie and think about the wonderful sex I enjoyed with Nick. As soon as I lay back David started kissing and licking me.

Michael it took me about a minute to cum and it was incredible. After I recovered from my orgasm David pulled himself up next to me and asked if he could have slippery seconds. We were both giggling like school kids. Of course I said yes.

Afterward, as we lay cuddled together David asked me if I was enjoying this game as much as he was. Michael, I can't explain it; but I really am enjoying it. I never dreamed that sex could be so much fun. When I admitted that to David he seemed genuinely happy.

I don't understand what's happening, but I do have to admit that it's fun. Nobody is getting hurt, so I don't see any reason that we shouldn't be playing this game.

Michael, do you think we're crazy?"

Ruth

I replied immediately.

Ruth

No, I don't think you're crazy. You're both having fun with this game and neither of you is getting pressured to do something you don't want to do. The one thing I've learned from my problem with Jeanne is that communication, honest open communication is essential. Just keep talking and listening to each other and you'll be fine.

Michael

After sending the email I sat back in my chair and shook my head. From what Ruth was telling me it appeared that her husband David really was excited by the idea of her having sex with another man. That was...incredible. David wasn't some sleazy pervert. He was a regular guy. He worked for the city planning department. He was my friend.

It all started with those porn movies, the Roxanne Hall movies they were watching.

I was watching porn movies too. I was watching Julia Ann movies and doing exactly what they were doing. I was imagining that I was watching Jeanne. I was fantasizing about my wife playing with other men. Of course there was a big difference between David's situation and mine. My wife really was playing with other men.

How could that possibly excite me? It was perverted. Yet I had to admit that it did excite me. I watched those damned Julia Ann movies and imagined that I was watching Jeanne. What the fuck was wrong with me? I regularly jacked off while I was imagining my wife enjoying sex with men who weren't me.

I took several deep breaths. I calmed myself. I thought. Was it perverted? If it was, why was it perverted? It was perverted because everyone said it was perverted. That wasn't an adequate explanation. Jeanne didn't think it was perverted. I knew that. She told me that she differentiated between love and sex. She thought sex was fun. She believed that it was something to be freely enjoyed.

While many people would agree that sex was fun; they would add the stipulation that it should only be enjoyed by a husband and wife. Jeanne had challenged that assertion. She'd dared to ask why that limitation had been imposed on her and then, failing to find a reasonable explanation, she'd chosen to act.

Unfortunately she hadn't allowed me to go through the same process that had eventually led her to the conclusion that had caused her to act. I wasn't prepared for her new life style. That was the crux of our current problem. That's why I was now sitting alone in an ocean side San Francisco motel.

That night I didn't watch a Julia Ann movie and masturbate. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I asked myself why. I immediately realized the answer. I was ashamed. I was ashamed of my perverted fantasies.

That realization raised another question. I'd just established that Jeanne had adopted her new life style because she no longer chose to accept the traditional moral dogma that had been instilled in her since she was a little girl. Jeanne was the only person in this world who's opinion actually mattered to me. If she didn't think her behavior was perverted, why should I? Furthermore, if that was the case; didn't it follow that my accepting or even enjoying her behavior didn't necessarily make me a pervert? While that made sense, I still felt like a pervert.

I thought about that and understood immediately. I'd also been instilled with a moral code. Real men controlled their wives. They zealously guarded their conjugal rights. Only a wimp would allow his wife to enjoy the pleasure of another man.

I once again had to ask why. When Jeanne had sex with Derek Fischer was I in some way diminished as a man? I was now quite certain that Jeanne didn't believe that.

The evening that Jeanne rashly announced to me that she was intending to have an affair we did fight. I was shocked by her sudden and unexpected revelation. Angered by my adamant and to her, unreasonable refusal to even consider what she was telling me Jeanne had lashed out and said things that she has since told me she didn't mean.

While it took me some time, I now understood. Jeanne had foolishly believed that I would listen to her rationale for having an affair, grasp what she was telling me and immediately concur. She hadn't realized that I needed to go through a process similar to the one that she was completing.

Since that night she's realized her mistake and apologized for abruptly dropping this bomb on me. She's also earnestly tried to make me believe that I'm still the man of her dreams and the only man she'll ever love.

If Jeanne doesn't think less of me because she occasionally dates other men, why should I be concerned that it in some way diminishes me as a man? Intellectually I now understood that it doesn't. Unfortunately recognizing that and actually accepting it are two distinctly separate issues.

I finally did manage to fall asleep that night, but it was a restless sleep. I was still overwhelmed with emotional turmoil.

The next day I played golf by myself. I needed to be alone. I needed to think.

I missed Jeanne terribly and I believed she missed me. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see Jeanne and I wanted to see my daughters.

I knew that Jeanne was dating other men, but that wasn't bothering me as much anymore. My conversation with Jennifer Rawlins had given me some insight into what was happening with Jeanne. Charles and Edith had helped too. Hearing about Ruth and David's adventures was also helping me. The image of Ruth enjoying sex with another man actually seemed to excite David and Charles had told me that he eventually reached a point where he enjoyed Edith's affairs.

While I was learning to accept Jeanne's desire to have sex with other men, I still had misgivings. I was afraid that both watching Jeanne get dressed for a date with another man and waiting for her to come home from her date would be agonizing for me.

As I thought about those two concerns, I realized that they weren't insurmountable problems. I didn't have to be at home while Jeanne was getting ready for a date and when she was out I could find things to do that would help me pass the time.

Charles told me that before a date Edith would always make sure that he was well taken care of sexually. Jeanne had made a similar promise to me. She'd tried to convince me that this could become a sexual adventure for both of us. She'd pledged that she would make me a happy and well satisfied man. That would certainly help make her dates more bearable for me.

Actually, I hoped that like Charles I might eventually reach a point where I enjoyed Jeanne's dates. Watching her get ready for an evening with another man could turn out to be fun. I loved Jeanne. Seeing her giddy with excitement as she anticipated the pleasure she was going to have on her date could make me happy.

Watching the Julia Ann movies and imagining that Jeanne was Julia Ann had also made it clear that like David, picturing my wife with another man excited me. I could easily imagine spending the time Jeanne was out on a date watching Julia Ann movies and fantasizing about what she was doing, especially if I knew I was going to be rewarded with some hot sex when she returned home.

For a brief moment I actually contemplated ending my trip and returning home, but then I realized that I couldn't. Those weren't the real reasons I had to leave. There were other concerns, concerns that were much more serious. Sadly those concerns weren't my issues, they were Jeanne's and I wasn't even certain that she was aware of them.

Charles was right. I had to stay away. I had to stay away for at least a year. By being away I was providing Jeanne with an opportunity to experience the unfettered life of a single woman, a woman free to be a sexual libertine.

While Jeanne adamantly maintained that she loved me and needed me, I wasn't certain that the love and security she got from me were more important than the thrill she was getting from her sexual adventures. If was going to try to stay with Jeanne I needed to know that she still wanted me. The only way I could do that was to give her an opportunity to experience life without me. If after a year she still eagerly welcomed me home, I believed that I could feel reasonably confident that she continued to want to maintain a serious relationship with me.

There was another reason I had to stay away. It was a darker and more unnerving reason. I feared that Jeanne might fall in love with one of the men she was dating.

My thoughts returned to Jeanne's date with Derek Fischer. Seeing her passionately kissing him on our front lawn and then the next day hearing that she'd held his hand during a romantic dinner at the Kennsington Grill had actually been much more painful for me than catching them naked together in our bed.

I loved Jeanne. Losing her to another man would be devastating; but if she's doing this because she's grown tired of me, I needed to know it. If she's fallen out of love with me I had to give her an opportunity to find someone new. Trying to hang on to a person who no longer loves you can only lead to a life of unbearable anguish and conflict.

As I left the golf course it occurred to me that there might be a way to get some insight into what Jeanne was currently thinking. As soon as I got back to my motel I emailed Ruth.

Ruth

You mentioned that Jeanne is dating. Please call her and ask what she does on her dates. Don't worry, I understand that she's having sex. That's not what I'm asking about. I'm curious to know what she does before and after the sex.