Back to Bristol Ch. 10

"Chris, please.. would you?"

For a moment I was tempted. But then I felt some of the emotions that were coursing through me, the hurt and the growing anger.

"No, Molly. I won't. Not because I couldn't.." I took her hand and placed it on my erect cock, through my trousers, "But because I shouldn't. I'm not sure what emotions I would unleash if I had sex now. I don't trust myself. Please, get dressed. I've got more questions."

She looked disappointed, but she started to slowly dress. It was simply a reverse of her undressing, but I watched it.

When she was dressed, she came and sat next to me on the sofa. I half turned to be able to see her properly, I suspected that she was making herself available if I wanted to cuddle her. It wasn't in me. But I did ask, "Tell me what happened that Friday afternoon a few weeks ago. I don't think I understood everything when it was happening."

She half smiled, "You surprise me, I thought you would work it out." She took a big breath, "OK, I'll try." Again she paused, "When I saw you for the first time when I came round to your flat to talk about the boys, I think my world fell apart. I'd built up this life, this belief that I could see it through with Peter. I knew I wasn't happy, but as I said, I knew I wasn't unhappy. I really thought I was going to live my life without you, and that I could do it. That evening in your flat I realised that I was living a lie. I loved you, I wanted you, and my life with Peter was over."

She looked at me, "When I left I went down to my car and cried. After a while I was scared you might notice, so I drove half way around the square, and parked again, and finished my crying. Then I got out and walked around the square for some fresh air. I spent ages just staring up at what I thought was your window, it was a good job you never looked out."

"I watched enough to know you took your time before you pulled away the first time."

"Anyway, I realised that I had to manage the end of my marriage to Peter and talk to you. I was so scared, I had no idea whether Helene would be joining you at any time. I'd asked, but you hadn't told me. The thought of her really frightened me. I had no right to expect you to care about me if you'd given your love to someone else."

"You know now that she and I have parted?"

"Yes, Ralph told me that you'd said that, but that was much later. He said you'd said she was no Molly. That gave me hope. But, anyway, let me try to get this in order. For a few days I tried to think out what to do, and I knew I had to talk to you. So I phoned you and asked for us to go to lunch. Remember?"

"Yes. You told me that we might need a long time."

"Yes. Well when we were in the restaurant, I don't know, I just couldn't find the words. I guess I was too scared just to throw myself on your mercy. And I realised that a restaurant wasn't the place to do it anyway. You've seen what I'm like; you've seen me this afternoon; I couldn't say all that, cry as much as I have, in a public place."

"The stripping would have gone down well." I observed.

She looked at me and smiled, "You always have a funny comment, a quick word. Why? I know this is as important to you as it is to me."

I shrugged, "It's the way I cope."

"So, I realised that I was going to follow Plan B. To seduce you, and maybe we could talk after the sex, when we're feeling tender and relaxed. It was always at the back of my mind, that's part of the reason that I put on some of Peter's lingerie. When I was in the lavatory at the restaurant I suddenly realised that my thong looked so silly with all that hair sprouting out either side. Didn't you notice that I slipped into bed when you couldn't see, and took off the thong in bed?"

"And you wouldn't let me go down on you. I remember."

"That connects to something else. I'll explain that in a minute. You helped when you offered me a lift home. But I was just determined to get you into bed."

"That was fairly easy with the state of my mind that afternoon."

"Why?"

"I told Piers McBaine when he was angry at me for going to bed with another man's wife, my mind was mush. You caught me in your dining room, didn't you realise what a trip down memory lane that was for me?"

"Oh! Yes. I see what you mean. Anyway, we went to bed, with me hiding my hairy pussy. But think about what we did. What strikes you?"

"It was much the same act as you and Peter all those years ago."

"Basically, Yes. There were all sorts of reasons for that. But I did have us roll back to you being on top before I came. I just wanted to be in your arms when I came, just as I always had been in all my fantasies."

"And the other reasons?"

"There was a bit of me that felt guilty about deliberately cheating on Peter, he is my husband. But if I did no more than I did with him on that afternoon, then even if he knew, well he wouldn't have had much of an argument. Not that he was ever meant to know. And I said it would be once only, just like it had been only once with him. But there was something more important. It wasn't very good sex. It might have been important and emotional and all that, but as an act, well it was pretty average. If it came to discussing it, I would have already shown you what happened in that flat on that Thursday. I didn't know whether that would be important, but there was no harm in doing it that way."

"And later, we were going to have some version of this discussion? But Peter came home early?"

"Yes. He was convinced you set it up. That I was the poor little innocent that you seduced, just so as you could get at him and do damage to his marriage. And you seemed to desert me, you just had your go at Peter, which was wasted by the way, he never understood your Biblical reference. Ralph was the one to work that out. I even began to wonder if you had just done it for the sake of revenge, and were delighted that Peter turned up. It belittled me, but I wouldn't have blamed you. Then Peter stormed off to our cottage in Wales, and I didn't know what to think."

"So why did you come to my office?"

"Because I decided I had to talk to you, even if it was only to find out that as far as you were concerned it was just revenge. But I came to your office and there was Helene. I thought you and her were still together, that I was wasting my time, that I had no right..." She paused, but then continued, "I waited downstairs in the car park. I saw you kiss and hug her as you put her in a taxi. It seemed loving, but there was something wrong in the body language. I didn't know what to think."

"And then the next stop was Myra and the RNIB Ball?"

"Yes. We'd had that booked up for months. Peter came back that day, and said he wanted to work things through, and he wanted to forgive me. I think he'd talked himself into blaming you completely. I didn't know what to think. He still wanted to go to the Ball, but he did say we could just go out to dinner if I preferred. I chose the Ball, I thought it would be less intimate, but I went along with him. It promised to be a lousy evening, but then there you were with another beautiful girl on your arm, and that made it ten times worse than even I expected. And she said she had no intention of letting you go. And she was so much younger and more beautiful than me, and she had every right to be there with you, and I didn't. In the car going home I broke down and was weeping. I was trying to do it quietly, hoping Peter wouldn't notice, but of course he did. And so the final arguments started. By the end of the weekend he'd moved into the gym and playroom, and we are where we are."

"So why didn't you come to me."

"I think I was getting hysterical or nervous beyond reason. I think Ralph recognised it and thought I might say something if he could get us together over Easter, especially if he could get it to be on our Anniversary. Susan was dead against it, but she made no secret of the fact that she wanted me to patch it up with Peter. But Ralph was determined. I just had no idea where I stood with you. You had something going with that girl at the Ball, maybe you were going to build a new life with her, and had every right to do so. We had those wonderful couple of hours with the boys. If your brain was mush on that Friday afternoon at my house, then mine was mush that evening. And then you threw my adultery back in my face. Right out of the blue you reminded me that I was the slut. I couldn't take it and I ran away."

"And then you phoned me when I was in a taxi and just after I had dinner with Myra. Then you caught me apparently going away for a dirty weekend with her."

"You're leaving out that you took her to the theatre on Easter Saturday."

"Oh, Yes. Who told you, by the way?"

"Peter. On the Tuesday after Easter. I think he enjoyed telling me that bit. But I think Susan knew as well, I'm not sure how."

"Are you still talking to Peter?"

"Well he's living at the house, so it's difficult not to. But, no, not really. I feel sorry for him, he looks so lost, but there's nothing I can do."

I shouldn't have asked, because I didn't want to talk about Peter, so I switched back to Myra, "Myra and myself are just good friends. Good colleagues and good friends."

"That's what Ralph told me. I'm not sure I could take any competition from her."

That word, 'competition', rang in my ears. I may be stupid, thick, slow thinking, but it was only now that I saw the logical ending of this conversation. That she was thinking that she could win me back, that reconciliation was possible.

"So what now?" I asked.

She looked at me, searching my face, searching my eyes, "In my dreams, I've fantasised about this conversation so often. I've rehearsed so many versions of it. But all of them end with you taking me in your arms and kissing me, and we walk off into a future together. I love you, Chris. You are the only man I've ever loved....."

She paused, I guess so that I could take her into my arms. I didn't.

".... Now, in reality, I know it's not that easy. Is there a way? I know how I feel about you. How do you feel about me? Could you forgive me? Could you learn to love me again? I'd do anything, anything at all to be given a second chance. Please, my darling Chris....Please don't turn your back on me...Please don't walk away...not now, not this time...." The tears were rolling down her cheeks.

I shook my head, "It's not that easy. You aren't in love with me, not the me as I am now. You're in love with the me that used to be all those years ago. You don't know me now. You don't know what I've done, what I've felt, how I've changed....."

She gasped, it wasn't what she wanted to hear, "And me? how do you feel about me?"

"I don't know. I've heard the story, I don't know whether I've understood it all. I'm sure I've got hundreds of questions. If it's any consolation, I do believe you."

"But how do you feel about me?"

"I know I loved you very much. You were my life, my reason for living, if that isn't too hackneyed a phrase. And I know that I still dream of recapturing something we once had. I just don't know if I dreamt of recapturing it with you. I never even thought that was a remote possibility."

There was a long silence between us. Eventually I stood up, then I leant over and kissed her, softly on the cheek. "I'm sorry." and I walked out.

Mum, Len and Ralph were in the front garden. The wheelbarrow was there, but I suspect that they were just waiting rather than any gardening was actually getting done.

"Mum! It's Tuesday tomorrow, I've got to work, but how about I take you and Len out to dinner tomorrow night. Somewhere nice, my treat."

She totally ignored my question, "How was it? You know we are all here for you. We wish you well."

"I don't think there's a lot to be said. I guess it's nice to know, but it's all too late, too long ago."

"Take your time. Think about it." She squeezed my hand.

Ralph stepped forward. "I need to talk to you Chris. Not now, I'm sure you've been hit with enough, but soon. There are things I must tell you, things that Molly doesn't know. Things that may change the way you think."

I tried to smile, but there was no smile in me. "I'm not sure it is the way I think, it's the way I feel, the way I am now."

There was a silence. Mum was squeezing my hand. It was Len who interceded, "I think going out to dinner tomorrow night would be lovely. We'd be delighted, wouldn't we Dear?"

Mum vaguely realised he was talking to her, "Oh! What? Yes. Yes, of course."

"How about I pick you up here at seven thirty, say. I'll get a table booked for eight. Will you fit in the back of my car, Len?"

"You betcha. I've been looking forward to ride in that ever since I saw it."

Ralph didn't give up, "If your picking them up at seven thirty, why not get here at seven? We can have half an hour."

I looked at him, "You said that there are things Molly doesn't know. I don't like that. Is your family riven by secrets, Ralph? If you're telling me things, then make sure that Molly knows them first. I've had enough secrets for this month, thank you."

He hung his head and looked worried, "I don't know how I'm going to tell her, but you're right. I promise I will have seen her by then."

"OK. Tomorrow night then." And then I suddenly thought of Jamie and Ben, "I haven't seen the boys. Where are they."

This time Ralph smiled, "They're not here. I stretched things a little. They are with Emma Tanner's grand-daughter. Only she's eighteen, and I bribed her and her boyfriend to take them to see that film they wanted. They aren't back yet. But I expect they're enjoying themselves. But I'm glad you're thinking about them."

As I got in my car, I realised that with all that she'd said, all that she wanted, Molly hadn't accused me of treating the boys badly for the last few years, or tried blackmailing me with them to get me back. I smiled, that was the old Molly. She would never use the boys as a weapon in whatever goes on between us. I loved her for that.