Back To School

August 16, 2014 - Upper Darby Performing Arts Center

27 years after graduation from Upper Darby High School in Pennsylvania, Tina Fey was coming back. And she was bringing her biggest movie back to the school that inspired it.

Tonight, Tina would be at the school's performing art center for a 10'th anniversary screening of her film "Mean Girls," which she wrote and appeared in. She would also be at a meet and greet and a q&a session after the screening. I knew this intimately because I helped arrange it.

It was by accident at first. Technically it wasn't, since I worked at the school and at the performing arts center for the summer, so I was where I was supposed to be. I just stayed later than I should have and was the nearest one to answer the phone when Tina called, to arrange this screening and fundraiser.

After the initial disbelief that it was her - complete with a minimum of stammering when I was proven wrong - I managed not to blow the deal. In fact, even after I got her on with my superiors, she let me serve as a liaison between the school/center and her representatives over the phone in the coming weeks. Sometimes I even spoke to her directly again.

Maybe it did the trick when I mentioned I was a 26-year-old teacher and the school was my alma mater. Perhaps the idea of getting into teaching as a career, at such a young age, was funny in today's cynical world. Tina was an expert at funny things, although her comedy wasn't that kind of cruel - arguments by Sarah Palin supporters to the contrary.

Either way, I was already in her graces when we talked over final preparations a few days before she arrived. The level of comfort kept us talking over the phone, even when business was settled.

Why I wound up making a joke about me being a virgin - a true joke, at that - I puzzled over for the next few days. While trying not to get an anxiety attack before Saturday.

Admitting to someone else I was a virgin at my age...well, if my job wasn't comical, that sure was. Admitting it to a famous person I had to meet soon, was another level of humiliating hilarity.

I could have sworn I didn't drink too much while we were talking. What else could have made me feel that free?

The time to wonder that was over on Saturday night. Luckily, I was part of a group welcoming Tina to the performing arts center. Maybe I could ride their coattails the rest of the night in the background.

As such, I tried not to stare conspicuously when Tina arrived, sporting a white shirt, blue blazer and skirt. When it was my turn to greet her, she joked she was glad to put a face to the Darth Vader phone voice. Otherwise, it didn't look like she was someone who knew my most embarrassing secret.

Then again, she had improved as an actress since Mean Girls.

As further proof, she wasn't the one who flinched when we sat down in the theater, and the seat I found was next to hers. And she pulled off a good stage whisper when she leaned in and quietly said, "The only guys I did stuff with around here were gay."

"Huh?" was my only answer.

"You know that from my book, right?" she whispered anew. "Almost everyone who got excited over me in high school tried to forget I had breasts. Or what I had passing for them at the time." After a pause, she added, "So that disqualifies me from making comments or jokes about any kind of sexual history. In case you were wondering."

"Was I?" I asked, which was stupid. But I recovered by adding, "Was I that obvious?"

"My 'holy crap, I said something way too personal' radar went off a bit. It felt stronger over the phone, though," Tina noted. "But you don't need to set it off that bad just for me. And since I'm the special guest, you gotta obey."

"How Plastic of you," I felt okay enough to say.

"Then if that's a yes, we can both relax and enjoy this movie for the 200'th time. Can't we?" Tina offered.

"It's just the 12'th for me. But I get the point," I agreed.

I got it enough to sit back and watch the movie without any more worries. I got it enough to laugh at the same classic jokes and quotable lines for the 12'th time like everyone else, only right next to their writer. I even relaxed more when Tina stage whispered some little on set tidbits during certain scenes.

I figured that would be the extent of our personal interaction, once the movie was over and she went through her q&a and meet and greet. But instead of leaving afterwards, she apparently made the decision to stay and tour through her old stomping grounds.

Guess who wound up chaperoning her.

Everyone else was allowed to clean up and go home, while I showed Tina around her old school and my current one. Between my little tidbits on the school today, and her far more amusing accounts of school life in the mid 80s - including stories that didn't make her book - there weren't many quiet moments.

Finally, I made it to the most personal part of the school for me - my classroom. As I went to my chalkboard, Tina sat in a seat on the front row, putting a few images in my head.

"Actually, I think we should switch," I said. "I have the most seniority in real teaching, but you've got the most star power. No one will be quoting my lessons in 10 years."

"I could argue, but that would be pretty after-school special of me. Usually no one wants to hear that in summer," Tina jabbed. Either way, she got up and headed for the chalkboard, and I went over to her seat.

"I think you'd find me a more cooperative student than the Plastics, Ms. Norbury," I addressed Tina, assuming she would be in Mean Girls character mode.

"Actually, Ms. Fey would like to take this one," Tina corrected. "It's nice to be on the other end of this. At least in here. Of course, after running two writers rooms like grownup classrooms, this would seem slightly more manageable."

"I get a share of managing done in here. At least I like to think so," I responded.

"I guess it's easier when you know what you're teaching. Or when you at least know more than your students," Tina commented. "There are some things you're an expert on, and some you know just enough about to fool and teach them. Other subjects, you're just not qualified on. Even if so many others your age are."

I was beginning to see a deeper, more troubling meaning to this. "But like I said, there are some subjects you just can't judge people on," Tina jumped ahead. It kept me from bolting for the door, at bare minimum.

"More than a few troubled boys thought I could teach them how to appear straight. In here, the performing arts, college, camps, you get the idea," Tina went on. "I just wasn't qualified to teach them how to enjoy straight sex. Now, with everything I've done since...I know enough to fool people."

Tina had sat down on the teacher's desk during her little monologue. In between paying attention to her words, I wound paying attention to her bare, crossed legs as well. I soon began to feel evidence that I paid attention to them all too well.

Unfortunately, it was too late to make the evidence go away by the time Tina got up and walked towards me. In fact, once she got to my desk, it got harder to make it go away.

"I missed out on that around here. Granted, it would have been wrong to use that knowledge on confused gay kids. But they were the only audience I could have gotten for that back then," Tina explained. "My target demographics are more...receptive now."

I could buy that. I was buying it now as proof. Between gawking at Tina's legs, the tone of the conversation, having her right in front of me, the glances I took at her white shirt, imagining Tina in all the hot teacher stereotypes, and my pre-existing crush on her before all this...that evidence wasn't going away.

"Case in point," Tina interrupted me - then visibly glanced down at me. Understanding why, I all but jumped out of my seat and covered my crotch, as if that would solve anything.

"No, no," Tina quickly said. "Outside of here, I'd see that as a problem. Here...well, someone doing that because they're turned on by just me, and by complete choice...I never experienced that here. Just like you've never experienced a few things too."

At that point, I did get out of my seat, eventually taking my hands off my visible boner. Tina just came closer to me and said, "Since we are technically two teachers...that makes us qualified to teach each other those few things. Even in summer. You wouldn't mind staying after class for lessons like that, would you?"

The part of me that might have nitpicked shut up when Tina's lips approached mine. I settled in quickly when they met, although the rest of my body was probably stiff - only one part in the good way. When Tina put her hands on me, I remembered this was something I did know how to do.

We stood between my students' desks as we kissed slowly, then started to go deeper. Once I put my hands on Tina's hips, I let out my first moan, and hers followed when our lips started opening up. Yet she soon broke and backed up to the teacher's desk, and I rushed to follow.

"How much have you done after that part?" she asked me.

"Okay, well..." I tried to recount quickly. "I've had my hands on other places once or twice. I got my fingers involved once. We just weren't awake enough to finish. We weren't close enough to try again, either."

"That's a fine learning curve," Tina said. I was tempted to say something clever about curves, but I was tempted more by Tina removing her blazer. "Go on, take care of the next layer," she offered.

Steadying my hands, I put them on the bottom of Tina's shirt and started unbuttoning it. I tried not to brush her chest when I got up top. But when I finished that and opened her shirt up, my eyes took their fill of Tina's breasts, covered in a matching white bra.

"Do you know how to get that last little, kinda chaffing item out of the way?" Tina asked. I studied her bra and the parts it didn't cover up - then noticed something handy at the center.

Apparently she made it easier on me by wearing a bra I could unhook in front. She really had planned for this. While I was thinking I'd embarrassed myself these last few days, she was...

Shaking it off, I got my hands on the center of her bra and started unhooking. "Nice going," Tina credited, going up and pulling her bra open herself.

"You too," I couldn't help saying once I saw her breasts. They both looked like they'd fit right into my hand, and proudly. For all the jokes Tina - and others - had made about her body over the years, it looked to me like it had aged to perfection. Breasts, figure, legs and all.

I reached for her breasts, but Tina stopped me. "You don't have to be that eager off the bat. Especially the first time," she taught. "I saw you checking me out below. Let's start there."

Tina sat herself down on top of the desk again, parting her legs as I stood in front of her. Remembering not to be too eager, I put a hand on each of her knees and carefully slid up. I rubbed the firm surface up and down, steadily going up her legs with each pass.

Soon, I found my hands right on the edge of her skirt. "Good. Go in just far enough," Tina instructed. My hands lifted her material up and then went below, reaching her hidden thighs. I tried to rub them nice and slow, using my thumbs to rub her down for good measure.

"There, you're getting it," Tina praised. "Now you can go for the boobs. Keep the hands where they are and see what happens."

Seeing no other option, I bent my head down a little to kiss her left nipple, as my hands kept massaging her thighs. I kissed her breast carefully, like I did with her lips at first, then got comfortable enough to kiss it deeper before long too. I went down to her underside for a bit, while my thumbs began inching towards Tina's underwear.

They reached it as I kissed the center of her left nipple, then did the same to her right. Tina groaned gently and encouraged, "Rub the fabric against me. You can get your tongue involved too." I promptly followed orders, sliding my tongue on her right nipple while pushing my thumb against the center of her panties and pussy.

"Do you want it in there?" I asked, before clarifying, "In the panties, I mean. Or underwear, or whatever." Apparently I wasn't as seamless at improv as she was.

"Go on. Keep the other hand and lips where they are," Tina said. Resting my right hand on her leg, I let my left finger begin to dip into her underwear. I made sure to kiss her breast right as my finger brushed her center.

"Mmmm...hold on, let me make it easier for you," Tina proposed. She had me back off before she got up and reached down below to lower her panties. She slipped out of them and stuffed them into the blazer lying on the desk, then looked back at me.

"It might help if I wasn't the only one with something off," Tina nitpicked. Understanding, I started removing my shirt and soon laid it onto the desk. In return, Tina fully took off her shirt and bra, leaving her in just her skirt.

Inspired, I lowered my pants and stepped out in just my underwear - leaving it easier for me to see how she turned me on. "Terrific. As you were," Tina said.

She sat back on the edge of the desk, her skirt keeping her from sitting bare assed - probably for the best. Getting back into position. I slid my hands back up her legs and into her skirt, resting my right and letting my left brush her pussy. In the meantime, I put my mouth over her left breast and started sucking in earnest.

"Oh...so those who do can teach too," Tina quipped. I was going on suppressed instinct, the little experience I had from those times I didn't quite go all the way, and what I saw and read in online erotica. It led me to capture her nipple with my teeth, rub my right palm on her leg and put the tip of my finger against her lower lips.

When it started to slip in, Tina let out a lower moan. I thought I heard a quiet "Fuck" when the tip got in, which I considered gold star worthy. "Should I go deeper now?" I broke from Tina's boob to ask.

"Well...if you're going to fuck me, I should see if you've got the technique right," Tina blew me away. "Have you lost your finger fucking virginity yet?"

"I, I think so..." I tried to recall accurately.

"Well, lose it again or for the first time, either way," Tina stated. "Let's see what kind of bar your cock will face soon." The jolt from hearing that made me push my finger in another inch or two.

Getting myself under control, I slowly pumped my finger into her while rubbing her leg down gently. "That's it..." Tina assured, having me break off her chest so she could lean up to kiss my lips. "Multitasking isn't just good for when your friends get on TMZ, you know."

Taking her word for it, I kept fingering her and massaging her leg as we kissed. Our tongues soon got busier, along with my fingers, as I felt Tina muttering "Fuck me," against my mouth. She broke and said more clearly, "You can bring the other hand up now."

I slowly let my right hand go down Tina's leg and out of her skirt, then I put it up and cupped her chest for the first time. Putting my thumb and index finger on her right nipple, I rubbed it as I kissed her and let my left finger wiggle inside her pussy all at once. I repeated this a few more times, with Tina groaning harder each time.

"Yes, multitasking, you're listening!" Tina said. "Just rub me now..."

Obeying, I stopped kissing her and let my hands stroke her pussy and breasts at once. Tina exhaled, looking right at me and then looking down my body. She stared at it and my still contained bulge as I kept rubbing her genitals.

Her beautiful brown eyes and pretty face seemed to darken as she racked over my body, all as my hands got her off. I can't say I wasn't flattered. If she was as aroused by me as I was by her - something we both probably weren't familiar with on these grounds - it exceeded all expectations.

"Oh...have you ever made a woman cum?" Tina asked me. "In those times you got close, did anyone cum?"

"Uh...she claimed she did that one time. But I was already falling asleep..." I recounted. "I'm awake now..."

"Good. Then you can hear the big lesson..." Tina said, clenching herself around my finger. "No matter how hard it is...sometimes it's better to take a break."

Tina put her hand over her tit and my hand, and bucked her hip back against my finger. After a few more moans from both of us, she removed me from her chest and started taking me out of her skirt too.

"We've only got a limited time here. If I'm gonna cum, I want to save it for the end. When we're on the same page," Tina declared. "Sometimes when you're on the edge, a break can do you good. Makes it even hotter when you get right back there. And there are ways to pass the time before then."

As I absorbed those lessons, Tina stood up and walked to behind the desk, sitting down on my chair. I went to stand beside her, then I noticed Tina staring at what was right in front of her now - the front of my underwear.

"See? If I'd gone for that right away, it might have gone off already and you wouldn't be that hard now. Then I couldn't pass the time now," Tina explained. "Of course, I gotta be delicate with you now anyway. I'm cooling down, but you can't get way too hot to balance me out. Not yet."

Tina still risked it by putting her hands on my garment, pulling the front of it down. My erection came out to meet her and get studied, which Tina did thoroughly before gently placing a hand on it.

"Blowing you and blowing me are two different things. But it can be the same too," Tina taught. "If you don't want someone to go off yet, but you want to show him what he's in for...you can do it just right if you go slow enough."

With that, Tina leaned in, opened her mouth and quickly took my first few inches into her mouth. She kept it there while her tongue slid against me, then she slowly came off. In short order, she slipped me back in her mouth and started bobbing on me nice and slow, like she was slowly fucking me.

I exhaled shakily as Tina popped off, kissed my head a few times, then suckled it right back in. Her hand went on my shaft and held on while her mouth and tongue worked the top half. She looked up at me in the middle of it and I got lost in her eyes, not to mention her sucking and licking.

"Right," Tina said when she came off. "You know that looking up when you suck someone off really works on guys. Women like seeing someone look like that when they eat her out too. For future reference."

I filed that away before getting lost in Tina sucking my cock again. My hands stayed awkwardly still, but I wanted to use them somehow. I let my right one go into her hair, without gripping her head too hard, and let my left hand go down to hold her breast.

Tina stopped sucking and commented, "Good instincts. You took my head on without forcing it down. You can't do that unless they show you they're cool with it, that's common courtesy." She paused and added, "But if someone wants you to do that in the future, you can't be unprepared, I guess."

She put her head back into position, opening her mouth in front of my shaft. "Ready when you are," she told me. I could only nod my head, which made her close her lips over me again. Steeling myself and hoping I didn't get carried away, I put my hand on the back of Tina's head and pushed it down an inch.

I thrusted my cock an inch deeper into her mouth, then pulled back. Tina took me back in as I threaded my fingers through her hair, holding her head as I started thrusting. She came off and took command in bobbing down on me harder, then I started thrusting back in kind.

Soon enough, it felt like I was fucking her throat - fucking a tight part of a woman for the first time ever. I could have gotten pretty carried away by that loss of my virginity, if Tina hadn't come off me right then.