Back to the Beginning

"Someone pulled open the door and dragged me out of the car. I tried to fight but there were too many of them... three or four. Someone hit me on the back of the head with something. I didn't pass out but I was stunned and they dragged me down to the river. I thought they were going to kill me.

"They kept saying that... that I was full of myself and thought I was a big man but they were sick of hearing about how wonderful I am and they were going to cut me down to size." His voice cracked as he spoke the words that his father had said to him only minutes before.

"Fuck." Luke swore softly.

Shakily Ephraim pushed himself away from Luke and sat up straight, not looking at him. "They hurt me. They hit me and... shouted at me, called me... bad names, and... and they... hurt me."

"You've got to do something Effy. They can't get away with this; it's outrageous. You have to tell the police and..."

"No. No I... I can't do that. I can't."

"Why not? They deserve it."

"I just can't."

"Do you know who it was?"

"No. It all happened so quickly and by the time I knew what was going on they were behind me and they made sure they stayed behind me."

"But still. The police can..."

"No Luke. I can't go to the police. I... I just can't."

"Did they threaten you?"

"Yes, but that's not it. I'm not afraid of their threats."

"Then what?"

Luke was scared. Ephraim looked sick. He was shaking all over and wouldn't look at him. A crawling suspicion crept over him, making him feel nauseous. No. It couldn't... it just couldn't be.

"Effy." He said carefully. "Did they...? I mean did they... do anything to you; apart from hit you and shout at you?"

His head snapped up and he glared at Luke. It was as if he thought he could expunge the words and deeds from his soul if only he could summon up anger and so he tried but he couldn't. He failed and crumbled. This time he didn't throw himself into Luke's arms; he fell back against the pillows and turned away from Luke burying his face in the cool cotton.

"Yes." It was a harsh whisper and he started to sob again.

This time Luke really didn't know what to do. He was afraid to touch him but he couldn't just sit there and watch his friend in so much pain.

After a while Luke lay down on the bed next to Ephraim and started to stroke his shoulder and back. For a while Ephraim was stiff and distant but, as his sobbing calmed again he slowly relaxed and allowed Luke to put his arms around him and hold him. After what seemed like a long time he turned around and lay facing his friend; just looking into his eyes and saying nothing.

"Why did you stay?"

"Because you needed me. Why didn't you stay?"

"Because I needed you."

"That's not what I expected. That is totally nuts. You ran away and stayed away because you needed me? That does not compute."

"Yeah it does. I didn't run away. I chose to follow my head and not my heart."

"Your heart?" Luke's heart started to pound and he couldn't quite stop the emotion that flooded into his voice and widened his eyes. Ephraim smiled, then sighed and shook his head.

"This is either a really bad or a really good time to deal with this. I feel... broken; torn apart... in more ways than one." He laughed bitterly. "I feel that... I don't know." He shook his head. "Maybe I need to put myself together again and I want to do it differently." He sighed again and hung his head, looking so sad that Luke wanted to reach for him but felt that maybe it was a bad time to do it.

"I feel that it's time for honesty and if that makes you hate me then so be it; everyone else hates me now so what's the difference?"

"Ephraim... before you say any more." Luke spoke with real regret. He wanted nothing more and nothing less than for Ephraim to speak but felt that in his present condition it would be unfair; somehow taking advantage of his vulnerability. "No one hates you. They are angry with you because they feel you have let them down. As soon as they know the truth they will be there for you; every one of them."

Ephraim winced. "I don't know if I can tell them."

"Yes you can: you have to. You have to tell them all or it will eat away at you inside and hurt you even more than you are hurt now."

"Maybe you're right. You were always the wise one."

Luke had to laugh aloud at that, "Yeah right. Wise."

Ephraim smiled a pale smile then licked his lips and took a deep breath. "That's not what's eating away at me Luke. There's something else that has been destroying me from the inside out for a long time. You're right; I did run away... I ran away from my feelings; I ran away from my fears; I ran away from you."

"Me?" Luke had stopped breathing and the word came out on a sigh.

"They were right. Those boys down by the river were right. I am what they said I am. I always have been." He shook his head. "Oh not the conceited and being too big for my boots part; at least I don't think so... but the other part, the bad part"

He lowered his eyes. He was shaking again. Luke still felt awkward but his friend was suffering and this time there was something he could do about it.

Reaching out he touched Ephraim's face and raised it so he could look into his startled eyes. Shakily Luke smiled, licking his lips.

"What are you expecting me to say? That I don't understand what you're saying? That I hate you for it? That you disgust me?" Ephraim winced and tried to pull away. "None of those are true."

"No?"

"No. Why do you think I was so hurt when you left; why I have never forgiven you; why I was so angry today?"

Ephraim shrugged, but he never took his eyes away from Luke. Luke's touch turned into a caress. "Because I've been in love with you for almost as long as I've known you."

Slowly, hesitantly a smile broke over Ephraim's face and all the tension left his body, "Me too." He whispered as he wriggled forward into Luke's embrace. For a long time they just lay, looking into each other's eyes; speaking without words. When they moved forwards into the kiss they were moving together and when their lips met more than ten years of fear, pain and torment slipped away and were lost in their soft sighs.

When Ephraim's mother dared to peep around the door about an hour later Ephraim, exhausted, was asleep in Luke's arms. Luke was not asleep and, at first he glared at her and then had a whispered conversation with her, careful not to wake Ephraim as he did so. When she left the room she was in tears, but Luke knew for sure that everything was going to be alright now. Everything was going to be wonderful.

Resting his head on the soft, sweet smelling hair of his lover, he fell asleep.