Banished Pt. 06

Is this all that we are? We wretched few... Is this all that we're destined to become?

//

"You killed him! You monster, you beast!"

The girl was sobbing but there was venom in her eyes.

An actual desire to kill.

When I went home, I went straight to my grandmother.

"Baba? Am I a monster?"

The woman gasped.

"No sweetie. You're a child; and a very sweet one at that."

She picked me up, and tickled me a little, and I giggled as she sat me down on her lap, a more serious look on her face.

"Who told you that you're a monster?"

"Rebecca from class."

"Oh? And was there a reason for her to say that?"

I nodded.

"I killed it."

"It?"

"A rabbit," I answered, and she frowned.

"And how did you kill the rabbit?"

I began to rub my hands, nervously.

"I gave him too many treats, and he died."

The old woman frowned.

"Did you know that the treats would kill him?"

I shook my head.

"And why did you give him the treats?"

"Because he likes them."

"Hm," the old woman hummed, as she picked me up, and set me down on the floor.

"Well you definitely aren't a monster, sweetie, but if your actions did kill the rabbit, then you are responsible. There are two things that you should learn from this. One, is that the things we enjoy are sometimes not the best for us, and in the case of Mr. rabbit, may be fatal even. The second, is that when you love something, your responsibility is not only to give that thing happiness, but to understand its needs, so that you can care for it properly."

I nodded, studying my grandmother intently.

"Like you, my little rabbit. You are not like the others... you need a special kind of care, and that does not make you a monster, my love."

I giggled as she pinched my cheeks.

"But what about Rebecca, Baba? She wants to kill me!"

"Well, we certainly can't have her do that! But... maybe she's just feeling hurt, since Mr. rabbit is gone. Did you love Mr. rabbit?"

I shrugged.

"He was fun, and I enjoyed feeding him and playing with him."

"And will you miss that?"

I thought about it, then nodded.

"Well, Rebecca probably misses that as well. I'll tell you what; after Rebecca has had some time to heal and cope with her own feelings, you should apologize to her."

When I went back to school, I did apologize to Rebecca, but...

"I don't care. Hoppy is not coming back, and you're a monster!"

I reported the response to my grandmother, and she nodded.

"Grief can be a powerful thing," she said.

"Well I think it's stupid; and anyone who feels it is ugly!"

"Oh? Let me speak with your parents, and tomorrow, I'll take you to see someone, okay?"

"Why?"

"Because I think there's something you need to understand."

The next day, my grandmother took me to a place I didn't recognize, and there, I met a girl on a bed.

She was sick, and couldn't move much.

"Hi Cindy. This is the grandson I've told you about," my grandmother explained, and the girl waved at me, smiling.

They talked for a bit, and I paid attention at first, but soon the words drowned out into background noise, and my eyes zoomed in on a picture, on the table beside the bed.

There was a boy in the picture who reminded me of myself, and he was smiling and standing next to the girl in the bed, except she looked happy, and healthier too.

"Do you like the picture?" the girl asked, snapping me to attention.

I nodded, and my grandmother reached for it, and handed it to the girl, and she brushed her finger over the boy, tears forming in her eyes.

Oh no! She's crying. Will she call my grandmother a monster?

I watched carefully.

"You miss him; don't you, Cindy?" my grandmother asked, and as she nodded, she smiled, and wiped the tear away.

"You were right... little Nathan is just like him," she said, and she looked at me and smiled.

As we talked, I felt a kind of happy feeling, especially when Cindy looked at me and smiled, and after we left, I asked my grandmother about it.

"Baba. Why did you take me there?"

"I thought you could learn an important lesson from Cindy," she explained, and I nodded.

"She had tears, but she did not scream monster," I said, and my grandmother nodded.

"She lost her brother. Just like Rebecca lost her Mr. rabbit," she explained.

"He died?"

"Yes sweetie."

I rubbed my chin.

"But... why did she smile, with the tears? Didn't it make her sad?"

My grandmother nodded.

"It did sweetie. You see, people can react differently to the same feeling."

"So... Rebecca and Cindy both felt the same thing? Grief?"

"Yes."

"But Rebecca got angry, and Cindy... was happy?"

"Oh no, little rabbit. She wasn't happy... but sometimes when you miss someone who you care about a lot, and they aren't there anymore, you chose to remember them fondly, because you know that they would want to see you smile, rather than cry."

I wasn't sure I understood, but there was one thing I learned.

Rebecca's actions were ugly, while Cindy's were beautiful... and if I had to choose which of the two I wanted to emulate, then I would try to be like Cindy... but I was soon to find out that that was not quite as easy as it seemed.

"What is wrong with him?"

"Why is he smiling? Doesn't he understand?"

"Something's wrong with that child."

But despite their words, I smiled.

"Hey, turd-face! What's your problem? Is this a joke to you?" Julie said, shoving me hard in the chest.

"No, but momma hates it when we cry, so I'm smiling to make her happy."

"She's dead, genius. She can't be happy or sad or anything! And she's not your mother!"

"Julie, that's enough," my grandmother intervened.

"He's smiling, Baba. At her funeral!"

"I said that's enough. He's dealing with this in his own way, now go find your brother."

Julie folded her hands and stomped off.

"Am I doing something wrong? I wanted to smile, because it made mama happy."

"No sweetie... it's not you that's wrong."

"But everyone is angry," I said, and she frowned.

"They don't understand, my love, and sometimes the world will try to tear apart the things that are different. Like you... but you know that mama wanted to see you smile, don't you?"

I nodded.

"When she smiled, she was beautiful. I want mama to be beautiful," I said.

Like Cindy, I thought.

"Then smile, my sweet boy. Be beautiful, and you will make the world beautiful with your smile."

//

Would you still think I was beautiful, mama?

With blood on my hands?

Would you still smile at me?

My smile could never reach that girl, and now she's dead... now I've killed her...

Was it right?

She would have erased many smiles if I didn't do something... wouldn't she?

I felt a painful twinge in my chest, and as it pulsed out from me, my thoughts went to Casey.

Nate! Are you okay?

Her voice spoke in my mind, and I quickly headed towards Eradne's room, where she was.

As I entered through the door, Casey looked over at me, a worried look on her face, and Ryker shot a curious look between us, and he nodded, then headed for the door as I entered.

"What was that?" Casey asked, as I walked to her side.

"What was what?"

"I felt... a sadness... your sadness," she said, and I sighed.

"Is that what this is?"

I considered the development with interest, but the thought slipped away as my mind seemed to refuse to concentrate properly.

What's wrong with me? I thought.

"Nate. What happened?" she asked again, and this time I gave her a quick rundown of everything that had transpired while she'd been in bed.

She sat up, albeit with some difficulty, and I helped her get comfortable.

"How is your wound?" I asked.

"Not bad... just a little painful when I move, but I feel fine otherwise."

We sat there in silence for a bit, as Casey studied me.

"Did you know that she was a psychopath?" I asked finally, and she shook her head.

"I doubt anyone knew. The company, uh... they hunt psychopaths for this program," she explained and I tilted my head in confusion.

"They what?"

She sighed, tracing the spot of her wound with her fingers, as she readjusted herself.

"People like y-, no people like Emily... they survive a lot better in this world than ordinary people do. Manipulating others, easily committing acts of violence. They thrive here, and they're considered as prized 'assets' by the company."

As Casey tried again to readjust, I studied her.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Ugh. I dunno. A pillow, or something to lie back against would be godsend right now."

"Here," I offered, and she eyed me, as I directed her to scoot over, and I climbed into position behind her, I pulled her into my chest.

She seemed uncomfortable at first, but as she relaxed against me, I could see that she seemed visibly relieved.

"Did you really feel sad about killing Emily?" Casey asked, and I frowned.

"If that feeling really was sadness, then... I guess so?"

"Did you want to save her?" Casey asked, and I shook my head.

"I don't really care about her. She was unapologetic even in the end, and she would never have changed... I knew that full well."

"Then why did you want her to be apologetic?" Casey asked.

"If she had the capacity to be, then maybe I could have trained her to be useful," I explained.

"So... you don't feel sad that she's dead," Casey asked, and I thought about it.

"I feel sad that I had to kill her," I offered, and she frowned.

"Why?"

I bit my lip.

"Because... I think it would make my mother sad, if she knew that I'd taken a life," I answered, and Casey turned a bit to study me, a look of sheer incredulity on her face.

"I'm sorry- what?"

I snickered.

"It's silly. I know... but it's my reasoning behind almost everything I do."

Her jaw dropped, but as she realized that I was actually serious, she turned back, and relaxed against me.

"So... would it have been fine if someone else had killed her?" Casey asked, and I rubbed my chin.

"Depends on who it was," I answered.

"Really? Why?"

"Well, Francesca offered to do it, but from her expression I felt as if it would take her smile away too..."

Casey turned to study me again.

"What about me, then?"

I studied her, and smiled.

"Your smile isn't easy to find, but I see the little flickers behind your eyes... the pain you hide underneath. So, no. I wouldn't have let you do it either," I answered, and she studied me, her mouth slightly agape.

"So... smiles? You just... want to protect them?" she asked, a little dubiously. "What about Emily's smile then?"

I sighed.

"Her smile is one which only came at the cost of hurting others... by fulfilling every impulse no matter how vile or destructive. It is one which we couldn't allow, unless she could be taught to smile without wreaking havoc and destruction."

Casey studied me some more, before turning and relaxing again.

"I think I'm finally starting to understand you," she said.

"Oh? So, does that change how you feel about me?" I asked, and she shrugged.

"I'm not sure..."

She was silent again for a bit, until she finally spoke.

"What about my smile? You said it was hard to find..." she said.

"Yeah... what about it?"

"... are you looking for it?"

I thought about it for a while.

"Do you want me to?" I asked, and she shifted a little, as she shook her head.

"If I ask you to, then it wouldn't make me smile," she said, and I snickered.

Typical Casey, huh...

"So... you want me to want to look for it?"

She frowned, then turned, and I leaned forward to support her, as she tried to turn around, onto her side, and winced a little as she did.

"I don't want you to do anything, I just wanted to know if you were looking for it," she asked, and I bit my lip, as I thought about it.

"I'm not sure... maybe I am? I mean... I haven't been trying to make you smile, but I do know that I hate it when you frown..."

She studied me, a strange expression on her face that I now recalled seeing when we were in the baths the day before, with the princess, and I was still trying to figure it out when she leaned closer to me.

Her eyes flicked to my lips, and she licked her own lips as her gaze moved back to my own, and as I held her gaze, a strange kind of electricity seemed to crackle between us.

We were close... closer than I realized.

Close enough that just the slightest shifts in weight could result in our faces touching.

She was supporting her weight on her right hand, while I steadied her body from the left, and just as the tension seemed about to overwhelm me, she leaned forward just a fraction more, and she closed her eyes just as our lips brushed.

A warm wisp of air washed over me as she sighed, and I suppressed a gasp as she kissed me for real this time, and I returned the gesture by puckering my lips, and kissing her back.

We traded several kisses, before she broke away, and turned her head downwards, allowing me to plant a kiss on her forehead as she let out another deep breath.

"What the fuck am I doing?" she muttered, almost to herself, and I chuckled.

"I was about to ask you the same thing myself," I answered, and she frowned.

"What happened to not making me frown?" she complained, and I smiled.

"This frown isn't the problem," I said, brushing her lips with my fingers. "It's the one that makes you sit around with that glum look on your face, and heaving wistful sighs."

She kissed my fingers, and nuzzled my hand, before retreating, and this time, turning away from me.

"Fucking hell, what is really wrong with me?" she asked. "You have like three girlfriends... I'm not the kind of girl who just gets on someone's 'list'," she added, and I studied her, as she seemed to be in genuine turmoil.

"You know... Eradne kind of mentioned something to me. She said that I elicited desires in her that weren't her own..."

"Oh god, there's another one," she said, rubbing her temple.

"Anyway, she called it the 'manipulation of the Gods'. Does an ability like that exist?"

Casey studied me thoughtfully.

"There are some passive effects that we have that can affect ordinary humans... but even without my implant, that shouldn't have any effect on me. That being said, for some reason since yesterday... it's like I can't stop thinking about you."

"Do you think it might be my armor?"

Casey shook her head.

"Any special abilities like that would have been listed on your status," she said, gesturing to my wrist.

She thought about it some more, until something seemed to click.

"Wait, this started after that bath... after the princess whispered into my ear. It's hypnotic suggestion! It has to be!" she exclaimed, and I studied her.

"So... she hypnotized you into thinking about me?" I asked, and she nodded.

"It's not hypnosis in the traditional sense; but an ability that directly manipulates your brain."

I pondered the matter.

Wait... didn't Cameron seem to relax after listening to the princess' suggestions...

Did that mean...?

"That seems pretty powerful. Can the suggestion influence you to do other things?" I asked, and she nodded.

"It can, but the effect depends on a few things; like your mental ability, and anything that might be enhancing it."

"Is there any way to defend against it, then? Or recover from the effect?" I asked, and she nodded.

"It wears off eventually, but there are abilities that can prevent it from taking effect; just generally though, having a high level of mental ability does help you to resist or overcome its effect."

I gave the explanation some thought.

"So, now that you know that an ability is manipulating you, does that mean you'd be better able to consciously resist it?"

She shrugged.

"Would need to test it to really figure it out. I mean, it's easy enough for my mind to keep going back to a particular thought when I'm just lying here, bored out of my mind and spacing out."

"Hmm... what if I pinned you down and started trying to kiss you?" I asked, and she studied me. "Do you think you could resist me, or would the urge to kiss me back win out."

She licked her lips.

"I dunno, maybe we should try; no wait, fuck. I'm only saying that because it's an excuse to make out with you," she said.

I snickered as she swore at herself, until she shot me a look, and shrugged.

"You know what? Fuck it. Let's do it," she said, and I chuckled again, before leaning towards her and kissing her.

"Wait, hold on. Let me, lie back so this wound doesn't act up."

I let her lie back, and then I placed a hand against her cheek, and as I leaned in and kissed her lips, she cooed into my mouth.

We exchanged a few kisses, before she let out an exasperated sigh.

"Fuck. Resisting this feels like fighting off water that I'm fully submerged in," she groaned.

"Why? Do you think the princess is that powerful a mental ability user?" I asked, and she pondered the matter.

"It doesn't make sense according to any of the logic I'm familiar with. I mean, she's young... and the race she belongs to isn't particularly well known for possessing any mental or telepathic abilities. I guess it could be something passed down through the royal bloodline."

I shook my head.

"She wasn't the child of the matron... she was chosen. Do you think the position of princess itself comes with special abilities?"

"If that's the case, then this is some mechanic that I'm entirely unfamiliar with."

As soon as Casey was done talking, she pulled me back down, and as we kissed, her lips parted, and as her tongue snaked its way past my lips, I pushed my own organ against hers, and she moaned again, as we kissed and made out.

"I wasn't aware that we were still testing this," I said, as she panted, and she moaned again.

"We're not... but don't stop kissing me," she breathed, and as I kissed the side of her face, she purred, and her head turned upwards, as she eagerly gave me access to her neck.

I kissed along the length of her neck, enjoying the feel of her skin, and she reached with her right hand, and ruffled the hair at the back of my head encouragingly.

"I know I should stop this," she said, and as I kissed the spot just above her shoulder blade on the right side of her chest, I stopped to study her.

"I will if you want me to," I said, and she breathed deeply, before nodding.

"You should," she said, and as I pulled back, she ran a hand through her hair, and sighed. "Honestly, I wanted you to kiss me everywhere until I came, but... the idea of returning the favor for you just makes me feel sick."

"Are you serious?" I asked, chuckling, and she put a hand up as I leaned down to kiss her.

"What are you doing?" she asked, and I tilted my head at her in confusion.

"Kissing you... until you come," I answered, and as I planted a kiss further down, between her breasts but over her shirt, she moaned.

"Mm, fuck. I'm serious... I'm not doing anything with you."

"Yeah- and that's fine," I answered. "You took a knife to the chest last night... a knife that was intended for me, no less. You honestly can't possibly believe that a little non-reciprocal oral is too much to ask."

She studied me as I kissed her, this time over the stomach.

"I'm not returning the favor even when I get better," she clarified, and I rolled my eyes.

"Do you want me to sign a contract? Or can I just eat your pussy and let you get some rest?" I asked, and as she bit her lip, she relaxed in my arms, her body already answering the question for me.

"Okay. Do it," she said, and she lifted her hips up to allow me to slip off her pants, and as she spread her legs, I took in the view before me.

"What?" she asked, as I licked my lips in anticipation.