Baring His Soul

"Felicia, I think I loved you from the very first moment I laid eyes on you."

She had been waking up when I voiced those words and upon hearing them, sat bolt-upright. She threw on her usual odd-looking glasses and stared at me with the deep and beautiful blue eyes I had come to know so well. She drew the blankets around her, odd in a sense, considering what we had just done, yet fitting her personality nonetheless. I touched her cheek so as to silence her from saying a word. I knew that I had to get everything out or I would lose the ability to voice my thoughts and I'd been having these particular thoughts for quite some time now.

"The very first time I saw you, it's hard to believe that was a little over three years ago. I hadn't been back at the magazine for a week yet. You were wearing that funny blue polka dot dress, the same glasses you're wearing now and a funky pair of earrings. Your long blonde hair was back in a pony tail, which was the way you wore it most of the time back then. The dress was short and you were wearing heels, you always wear heels. I have often wondered if you feel self-conscious about your height, and yet, I've never bothered to ask you about it. I like the fact that you always wear heels and you walk very well in them. Do you know that men notice the way you walk -- or at least, that I notice?

I asked you for some help in researching a story that I was working on and I can barely recall what I said. I can remember thinking that you were adorable, funny, isn't it? But you were -- adorable, that is. I was working on the Boomer Candy Company story; they assigned it to me as my first story back. I'm sure that everyone thought I'd blow it or not be up to the challenge and I was determined to prove everyone wrong, that I wasn't just some washed-up hack writer who'd drank away all of his talent. Anyway, you looked at me and said you'd be glad to help and that you'd always liked my writing. I was sure that you were just humoring me until you quoted enough of my own work back to me to prove you knew who I was and that you were sincere. I went back to my desk to assemble what material I had and hoped I could manage to pull off some kind of decent piece for the deadline.

So what did I get from you? The typical Felicia Beck brilliance, which is to say, more than I could ever have imagined. You had pages of documents, quotes and articles and sources I could check and you helped me collate everything. By the end of the first day, I had enough for a pretty decent article. By the end of the week, by working with you as a team, I had interviewed enough people and had enough documentation that the magazine had a cover-featured article in their hands. I proved that the management of the Boomer Candy Company was cutting corners and using sub-standard material in their products, unbeknown to the Boone family shareholders. Once they caught wind of the article, they fired everyone and resumed control of the company. I still get a box of Boomer bars every month; I've never had the heart to tell them I can't stand the things. Good thing you love them, huh?"

Felicia was smiling at me and I'm sure that she thought I was off on some kind of rant, but she hadn't said a word. That was good because I had a lot more to say.

""Everyone at the magazine thought it was some kind of fluke, that Richard had pulled a rabbit out of a hat and that I'd screw it all up again. After all, I'd only been sober for six months at that point and I had a lot to prove. Even my family didn't have faith in me, but we owned the magazine and where else was I going to go? My next article was going to be on the supermarket industry and some of the stuff going on with the unions. I got a few carefully-worded `warnings' and I still didn't back off. You remember what happened next, right? One of the warnings got a little out of hand and I got the snot kicked out of me. I'd never seen you angry before, you helped bandage me up and we went after them with a vengeance. The DA said the work we did put at least 7 guys in jail, but it wasn't the work I did -- it was the research you did. I'm just the guy who strung the words together.

All those AA meetings and I don't think I could have held it together if you hadn't been my backup. When I finally was able to talk about Lauren and what her leaving did to me, it wasn't to them -- it was to you. Here we were, at an office Christmas party and you looked so beautiful -- that black dress, your prettiest heels and you were so lovely, you almost glowed. And yet, that was the time I chose to talk about how I was feeling and when I unburdened my soul. I dumped it all on you when you could have been having fun -- and what did you do?You stayed with me the entire night and listened. I never realized how much I was monopolizing your time or how selfish I was being, but if you felt that way, you never said a word to anyone.

We became a team, you and me. People were talking, some of the other writers made some pretty rude comments about drunk Richard and flaky Felicia. I nearly caused a scene in the office, but I didn't want to cause you any embarrassment. Yes, you're a bit eccentric and you have your peculiarities, like when you get super-excited about something -- but that's one of the things I love about you -- your enthusiasm. You care about things and you care about people. You genuinely believe in a better world and you should, because it is a better world because of people just like you.

I know I've told you that I rely on you and that I wouldn't be the success I am today without you, but I have to tell you again. It is so, so true. When the magazine offered to make me a contract employee again and take over the department, I almost jumped at the chance and then I realized something -- I wasn't interested if you weren't coming along for the ride. I told them that they had to promote you as well and make you the head of the research department, answerable only to me. They were a little hesitant at first, but my stuff is selling magazines and it's my family's name on the masthead, so what are they gonna do?"

By now, I had come to the part I knew was going to be the hardest and yet, Felicia had remained silent through every word. I took a deep breath and expressed my innermost thoughts.

"I know I haven't always appreciated you as a woman, more as a partner. I suppose that's in part because of my track record. The women in my life have a way of leaving me or letting me down or I let them down. No matter what, something always screws it up. Once romance enters the picture, it falls apart.

I know that Brendan has strong feelings for you and if you return them, that's okay. You should be happy; I want you to be happy. What happened between us last night, that was -- amazing. It will remain amazing in my mind for as long as I live. I will keep it between us for as long as I live, but Felicia, if I didn't tell you now, this very moment, I would never have forgiven myself.

I love you, Felicia Beck -- I always have and I always will." I took a final breath and stood up, ready to face whatever came next.

"Richard?"

I looked at this woman who had so long ago grabbed on to my heart and soul and held it tight. She had the power to crush me and yet, I knew whatever she did, I would be able to bear it because I trusted her.

"You had me at `Felicia'," she smiled at me and threw her arms around my neck. There were sharp bolts of lightning going through my body as the woman I loved returned my love the way I hoped she would. Yes, it might have been corny and a bit clichéd and I honestly didn't care. At that very moment, I was on top of the world and I was ready to stay there for a few thousand years, if need be.

Some couples need their love to go through a baptism or a test of fire. That had certainly been the case for the two of us, we had stayed partners and friends through every travail a person could survive. There are those that believe in fate and maybe that is true as well. I would not have met Felicia had I not decided to take a second chance at my writing career and believed in my own ability to succeed.

Yet, Felicia herself was a part of that. She was probably the best cheerleader an ex-drunk like me could have ever had. She believed in my abilities and she seemed able to find the chinks in my armor and the flaws in my writing. Her research always complimented and enhanced my own writing. If I got a bit maudlin, she would warn me and if I got morose or lost faith in a story, she wasn't afraid to slap me silly. She was also sensible enough to let me find my way to her.

After my wife Lauren left me, I'd given in. Only when my family threatened to cut off my trust did I decide to crawl out of the pit. Despite all my years of crawling into a bottle, I had retained a modicum of my writing ability. The spoiled rich kid had a way with words and so I came crawling back (my words) to the family magazine. What actually happened is my family threatened to make cutbacks if I wasn't rehired. That was all that they did and now, the onus was on me to prove I wasn't washed up. Here's where fate (and my old man) intervened.

Felicia Beck was a child prodigy hired at 19 because she had already graduated university with two separate degrees. An IT whiz, my dad saw potential in her, despite her slightly-wacky persona and demeanor. Management didn't and stuck her in the back of the offices, where she would have been wasted if fate hadn't stepped in (or me about to fall flat on my recently-sober face).

We were two people who needed each other and complimented each other. Felicia backed up all my words with hard, solid, indisputable evidence. I gave her credibility and a sense of purpose, which grounded her. Once we started rising in the ranks, something else happened. The timid little IT girl came out of her shell and blossomed. She had the money and the inclination to dress nicely -- and it paid off, nearly to my detriment. One of the other authors at the magazine, a young fiction superstar named Brendan Palmer, noticed her. They began having lunches -- a lot of lunches.

I woke up and smelled the coffee and knew I had to do something. Despair wasn't the answer. I fought back. I made sure Felicia's calendar was clear for last night, her 23rd birthday. I went all out and begged, borrowed and stole from my dad as much as he was willing to front me. Fortunately, when I explained, he was all in. He likes Felicia and thinks I'm on the money. I rented out the entire restaurant, filled it with flowers, wined her and dined her and played Prince Charming. It was a last-ditch effort to win the Lady Fair's hand and ensure my further happiness. More than that, I wanted her happiness. This woman had brought me back and it was time for me to spend the rest of my life thanking her.

I didn't expect what happened next to -- well, to happen. I can't drink, but Felicia enjoyed the champagne -- a little too much or maybe, just enough. I took her home in the limo and made sure she got in safely.

From that moment on, all bets were off. I was about to leave when she called my name. I spun around and I know I was sober, yet would have sworn I was not. My head was spinning.

The "nerdy little IT" girl is only a persona or part of one, that which is seen at work. For our dinner out, Felicia had worn a stunning black sequined dress, expensive heels and wore her hair down. I'm sure that her makeup had been done professionally and she looked alluring and provocative. Now she was standing in front of me in mauve lingerie and those selfsame heels and I've been with enough women since Lauren to know when a woman has something on her mind.

"I've waited long enough for you, Richard King," Felicia said as she walked towards me. I think I actually had a momentary sense of panic. "You haven't been celibate, far from it and that's okay -- or at least, it was okay. Tonight, is different. We went on an actual date and there was actual romance tonight, you finally showed me that you can see I'm a woman. Good. No more waiting and no more games, take me to bed and make love to me," she insisted.

I'm a gentleman but I am no fool. I knew this wasn't the alcohol talking; she was clearly sober enough to make a rational decision. So was I. My heart was beating and my head was pounding and so, I did the only correct thing I had done so far in the course of our relationship. I let Felicia make the decision.

I took her to her bedroom, feminine and lovely, just as she was. The look in her eyes said that she wanted me to undress and so, that I did. I have a strict workout regimen, it's part of my sobriety. I replaced drinking with exercise and my body is solid. I felt a bit of pride as she looked me over and I was smart enough not to linger for vanity's sake. When I joined her in bed, she drew me to her and we kissed again. This was the kiss of lovers too-long denied, something that both of us wanted and needed. We held the kiss for a long time and neither of us spoke, not wanting to break the spell in any way.

I am confident when making love with a woman, yet I didn't know enough of Felicia's past to know of her experiences. I was content to let her take the lead, I could easily follow along. Her hands explored my chest and her eyes, beautiful and expressive, never left mine. It was one of the first times I had ever seen her without her funky glasses, at least for more than a few minutes. Her eyes, like the rest of her face, were lovely. Every time she smiled at me, my heart seemed to beat faster. No matter what the following day might bring, I knew this night was going to be perfect. The reason for that was that both of us wanted it to be perfect and we were a team.

She moved a bit away from me and shrugged, letting the top half of her lacy lingerie fall away from her body. There wasn't a mark on her, nary a flaw or blemish. She nodded, as if to give tacit approval to my touching her breasts. I did so with tenderness and I saw her draw a breath, then let it out with a gentle sigh. I kissed each nipple as she reclined on the bed. She lifted her hips, so as to aid me in removing the rest of her ensemble. Now she was naked and I pressed my advantage, touching her bared flesh with my hands and mouth. I remained vigilant so as not to rush, instead I took the time to explore and appreciate. I could see her skin respond with subtle reminders and the way she would sigh and murmur were my vocal cues.

I used as much skill and talent as I possessed to make love to her body, exploring and caressing, never demanding. At times, she would lift up and draw herself to me, pressing her slight young body against mine. It was almost as if she was trying to make the two of us into one. Her nails would dig into my back, not savagely, just with enough pressure to make me feel it. All of this was done with slow and lingering movements, so as to prolong our shared satisfaction. I would have gone all night, had she so desired.

She did not, she pushed me down on my back and gave me a look I had not seen before. Playful and impish, she grabbed my cock between her two palms and caressed it a while, almost warming it before her mouth descended upon it. I would never have asked her about her amorous past, yet it was evident she had one, from the way she was sucking me. Before too much time had passed, she stopped and gave me a smile that spoke of pure deviltry. She reached for her nightstand and drew out a condom. Once she rolled it on to my manhood, she rolled herself on to my waiting shaft. "Finally," she laughed with an exasperated tone. "I was beginning to think you'dnever come around!" I cursed myself for being a blind fool as my lover began to take from me what she wanted. She was a wonderful lover, she paced herself nicely as she rose and fell on my cock. Inside her, I felt gripped and squeezed and enjoyed newfound sensations. It had been a very long time since I had been with a woman this perfectly in tune with my needs or this snug. Felicia also proved to be quite the limber lover and I would not have expected that from someone who worked behind a desk for most of the day.

We made love and had as much sex as two people could have in the course of an evening and into the wee hours of the morning. She let me have some of my inner machismo moments and we made love in missionary, spoons and other positions. Felicia was almost tireless and I couldn't have tired of her if I tried. When we finally did let slumber arrive, it was under protest.

"So, now what?" There it is, the unspoken question from the quirky little flake I've come to adore. This time, she doesn't get to have the upper hand. There is a box I managed to hide by the side of the bed while she was sleeping. I hold it up and a loud squeal and hug give me the answer I had hoped for. The sheets and blankets fall by the wayside for a little while.

Over coffee -- I make it, she fails miserably in that one regard -- she looks at me and then, looks back at her new ring. "You know, you're going to have a hell of a time topping yourself next week," she chuckles at me.

I find myself momentarily puzzled as I look back at Felicia. "Top myself? Next week? What the heck are you talking about?"

"Isn't that just like a man," she giggles. "I got a marriage proposal for my birthday. Next week is Valentine's Day! What do I get forthat?"

I'd laugh along but knowing Felicia, I'm half-convinced she's serious.