tagHumor & SatireBD Johnson

BD Johnson


There was a sharp knock on my apartment door. I grabbed my handy Barrette and slowly made my way to the door. With blinding speed I threw open the door, grabbed the assailant and shoved my gun under their nose before they had a chance to react. It was then I saw it was my landlady, Mrs. Leftowitz.

"Oh, BD that was so much faster than you did it the last 20 times I came to collect the rent. Have you been practicing?"

I quickly holstered my gun as Mrs. Leftowitz raised herself off the floor. She pulled a tissue from the sleeve of her blouse to dab the blood from her nose.

"Yea, sorry about that. Is it rent time already?"

"Oh, yes" she squealed with anticipation.

"Well, OK. Let's get going"

With that, I dropped my trousers as Mrs. Leftowitz undressed. We had an arrangement. For free rent, I let her fuck me once a month. I normally do not go for older women. I mean she is at least 40. I like to think of it as a little way I give back to the community.

I look down and Mrs. Leftowitz is trying to deep throat me. As if, any women could swallow all of the love python. She managed to fit 10 inches down her throat before she gave up.

"Someday I am going to take it all, BD."

"Sure, baby." I said.

Mrs. Leftowitz got on the bed on her hands and knees as I entered her from the rear. She began to slowly take as much of the pecker of power as she could into her loose cunt. I like fucking her doggy style so I can watch sports while she gets herself off.

"Your dick is so massive. How can I ever live without it? I need it more than once a month! Oh Shit, I feel like it is up in my throat!"

Lebron was playing well tonight. I think Miami could go all the way this season.

"Oh yea, baby. That's the way to fuck me. Fuck me good."

I like to give the Mrs. a little encouragement. It makes her feel good about herself. Encouragement is just another community service.

"BD, I can't feel my legs."

"Yea baby it is good for me too."

I decided it was time to give her a little shot of the BD ambrosia.

When my first burst of love juice hit her, I forgot to hold her and the load shot her off the bed and across the room. I really hate when that happens since I have white shag carpet. The second blast caught her as she lay across the room on the floor. With that, I stood and pulled up my trousers.

"When you can walk, let yourself out. I have business. See you next month."

"BD, you're a unbelievable" she said as I hit the door.

"I know, baby," as the door shut.

Who am I? I am BD Johnson. BD stands for big dicked. The nurses gave me that name when I was born. I work for a super-secret agency as a test pilot and operative. Just last week I crashed a billion dollar plane. As I walked out of the wreckage, I found I had discovered the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre and uncovered a Chinese plot to steal all of McDonald's secret sauce reserve. Now I was looking for a little down time. Only one place for a man like me to go: The Secret International Men's Club.

As I entered the club, I gave my coat to the hatcheck girl. All the guys were there; James, Nick, Mickey, Dirk, Simon, George, Nero, Spencer. Austin was in Texas.

"Hi Guys" I ad-libbed.

"Good ad-lib BD" said Nick.

Nick is such a suck-up. He was some big detective in the 60s. Now he is a trivial pursuit question.

I ordered a scotch so smoky it had peat ash in it. Just the way I like it.

"Well fellows any cases that need my special touch," I asked to the room.

I was met with silence so I joined the game of pinochle and drank my scotch.

As I was leaving one of the guys stopped me (I left his name out to save him the embarrassment.)

BD all I can say is that there is something happening with an agent named Mary Swallow. I've been asked to look in to it, but frankly this girl freaks me out, old boy."

I thanked Mr. Nameless and told him I would look in to it.

As I headed to my apartment, I hoped Mrs. Leftowitz had left. I willing to help a senior citizen but I don't want them hanging around. I was pleased to see the apartment was empty, the carpet was cleaned, and a smell of homemade cookies filled the air. I found a note on the cookies,

"See you next month"

I munched the cookies as I looked up Mary Swallow on the computer.

Mary was 23 years old. She had a PhD. in cultural anthropology, and a law degree from Yale. She worked her way through college as an exotic dancer, and then worked as a sword swallower to get through graduate school. She was fluent in four languages and performed as a classical pianist for several symphony orchestras. So far, pretty typical stuff in my line of work. If one believes the pictures, her breasts were big enough to feed a small African village. Mostly what struck me was how her long natural blonde hair set off her deep red Betty Boop lips.

As I polished off another cookie, I heard a gentle rap on my door. My manly intuition told me that it was no hit team this time. As I opened the door there was Mary Swallow dressed in a tan trench coat and 5-inch red heels.

"BD Johnson?" those lush lips asked.

"Come in, baby. I was expecting you." I said nonplused.

"May I get you a drink," I asked.

"Could I have a Mojito?" She asked demurely.

"But of course," I say.

BD Johnson is many things. He collects antique cars (BD drives a 1975 Cosworth Vega), an expert in both French and Italian cooking. He once won a private Iron Chef competition with his aku crepes with an oaxacan black mole sauce. Of course, he is competent in the basics; vintage wines and mixology. BD is gantseh mentsh.

In a smallish Collins glass, I muddle fresh lime juice with superfine sugar. Then I added a few fresh mint leaves, mushing them against the side of the glass. I filled the glass about 2/3 full with crushed ice filled with an authentic 1945 Royal Navy Rum. Finally, I added a segment of squeezed-out lime shell and topped off the glass with club soda. Stirred the whole thing with a sterling silver rod and there it was. Nothing could be simpler.

As I was finishing I heard...

"Do you mind if I take my coat off?"

"Of course, darling," I said.

As I turned with the drink, there she was in the red heels. Red and black leather garters held up black fishnet stockings. She wore a matching red and black leather teddy that barely contained those massive 38 GGG breasts. Topping it all off was a black leather dog collar with silver spikes.

"Glad to see you wore something comfortable," I slyly offered.

I handed her the drink. She took a swallow. I envied that drink as it slid past those deep red lips, across the agile pick tongue and down into her taunt belly.

"What can I do for you?"

"What can we do together is the better question, BD. You don't mind if I call you BD? Do you?"

"Everyone does. I can get up for you and me together. You're worth getting up for," I soothingly offered.

"I am a woman with special needs, BD. I hear you might be able to meet my needs," she coyly said.

"Consider your needs met" I said.

"I need," she said as she played with my tie, "a fast jet, and a country with no extradition."

"Now why would a girl with so much to give need to leave so fast." I asked

"I give and give and yet I feel empty inside, BD." She said with a pout.

"I need someone who can take me all the way. Somewhere I can be free to let myself go. That takes money and some people just get a teeny-weeny angry when you steal 100 million dollars."

"Some people do not know how to give, baby. I know how to give and give and give again." I said as I gently reached over to puller her closer.

"Give it to me BD, give it all to me," she said with barely pent-up passion.

Mary reached down and unzipped my trousers. Out fell the John Tomas, she visibly drooled at the sight.

"I use to swallow swords," she offered.

"If you swallow this you will be the first."

I stood and dropped my suit pants and loosened my tie. I suspected she would try my trouser snake. She went down on me with the vigor of a woman on a mission. At first, she seemed happy to lick the prick head. That alone started to stretch out her red lips. As I imagined, her red lips contrasted nicely with my dark red and blue veined pecker. The she started to try to swallow my dick. I grabbed her ears and began to fuck her face. Ears really are erotic. I mean it is like they were put there so you could get a grip when face fucking a girl. Soon she broke contact.

"BD you are sooo huge. I don't know if I can take it."

Like that was the first time I heard that.

"It's OK baby, many have tried, and none have taken it all."

"Oh, I will take it all. When I do you better have that jet prepared for flight."

With that, Mary laid flat on the couch and dropped her head over the edge. I slipped my man meat into her awaiting mouth. The angle of her head let me slid into her throat. Finally, I felt my head tingle as it entered her stomach. This girl has taken it all. I was impressed. She deserved a little taste of the BD nectar. As I slowly fucked her face, I felt a load beginning to raise from deep inside my bowling ball sized testicles. I spurted three large loads of the sweet man wine deep into her guts. When the cum subsided I pulled out the man meat, still as hard a Cleveland steel.

"I told you I could swallow you. As the name says, I am merry when I swallow. I could suck that massive cock every day. Damn, you taste like Greek yogurt."

"With 100 million and your virile dick I could be happy the rest of my life," she purred.

"Time to fuck. Open up."

Sometimes the direct approach is best. I find women like to be ordered around, especially when it comes to sex. With a cock like mine, women fall right in line.

Mary laid on her back and pulled her legs into the air. I tried to entered her but felt some strong resistance.

"BD, I still have my panties on. Give me a minute there stud."

Normally, I just punch right through those but these undies must have been reinforced with Kevlar. Soon her panties were lying in a tiny pile on the floor. That is when I saw the small vagina gun that she had been carrying.

"So your pussy was packing," I said.

"A girl needs protection BD. Thank goodness, I didn't bring the grenade this time."

As I started to pack her pussy with my manly python, Mary gasped.

"Oh, you reach places I have never felt filled before. Could you put your dick in my pussy now? The sheet will give you a little rug burn."

After a small rearrangement, we were seriously fucking now. With each stroke, I slipped a few more inches into her.

"BD, I can't feel my legs."

"Yea, it's good for me too."

"No, get your elbows off my abdomen. There that's better. OK BD it's not a race. Slow down a bit, you don't get points for cumming first. "

Obviously, this girl has sexual issues.

Mary's legs were pinned back to her ears and I was really pounding her pussy. She was in one giant orgasm. She came and came again. Soon she was begging.

"Cum BD, cum for me. Fill my cunt with your man juice. I need it. I want it."

That was what I was waiting for. I stopped all movement."

"I'll fill your pussy and fill it again; but, it will cost 100 million dollars."

She tried to ride my masculine meat but I pinned her down.

"You can't steal from your government and expect to get away with it. I can keep you out of prison and fuck you until you're bow legged. But it will cost you a 100 million."

"I will give it all to you BD. Just promise I can fuck that magnificent cock every day."

I started to rock her hard. I felt the cum swelling up in my massive balls. No typical quart of cum for Mary, she will get the full gallon this time.

Nothing ruins a good fuck more than a SWAT team storming in the bedroom through the windows, doors, trap doors, and hidden passages. I just hate it when that happens. Fortunately, I was in full delivery mode. I pump my cum into her like a full services gas station; I kept going until she was full. Cum was oozing from around my pole of fun as I began to hear the applause. The SWAT guys broke out in spontaneous applause and audible gasps from the two female officers. I stood and took a small bow.

"Boys, when she can talk Mary will tell you where the money is."

"Mary I will be waiting for you. See you in 20 years."

With that, I strode toward the bathroom for a hot shower. In this world of grubby crimes, loose morals and patriotism up for sale, one thing stands tall: my Rod of Truth.

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