tagReviews & EssaysBDSM Open Communication a Must

BDSM Open Communication a Must

byMaster_n_Mentor©

This essay on BDSM relationships begins with the following question: "...is it normal for Master's to have more than two subs?? and be secretive about it?..." It comes from a compilation of questions and conversations I've had here on Literotica and on other sites I attend. As part of this post I ask both Dominants and submissives alike to let Me know their thoughts.

"Is it normal for a Master to have more than 2 subs? I think that is something that has to be resolved specifically between the Master and the submissives (or Master / submissive candidates)... it must be out in the open however or it is an obstacle to communication and then to the trust that can only be built upon open communication"

To Me the foundation to a good D/s and more so an M/s relationship is the ability for the lines of communication be open and complete. It is not wrong, by any means, if a Dominant and his submissive wish to add a third to their relationship - for their personal reasons. There needs to be a well defined set of rules, for what is a very complex situation. Questions such as: 1) what is the relationship between the two submissives, 2) are they both submissive to the same Dominant, or 3) is there an alpha submissive and a beta submissive, 4) is the alpha submissive dominant over the beta.

The second part of the question is the one that I have the most trouble with since it deals with the "secretive" aspect. I cannot fathom a true, self confident, Dominant needing to have secrets. I'm not talking about maintaining confidence, but keeping secrets from His submissive. It's like putting land mines all over the path you yourself are going to walk, and letting time erase (as it will do) the location from your mind. The energy required to keep things hidden from your submissive is disruptive to the natural flow of a relationship.

Many months ago I wrote about Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I posed the idea that in a D/s or M/s relationship the most basic and fundamental need is that of COMMUNICATION. During the early stages between a potential Dominant and His potential submissive, communication has to be the path they must follow to achieve awareness of each other's needs and capabilities. Once communication is properly entrenched in T/their relationship then they can achieve TRUST.

During the courting period, the Dominant and the submissive need to be open and discuss everything that is pertinent to T/their relationship. In My opinion it is very important that the submissive be allowed to ask questions. If the particular protocol does not permit open questioning, then there must be an established set of rules for her to ask permission to ask questions when it is appropriate.

This particular questioner had been told that she was in training and was not allowed to question her Master. I posed the question as to whether se could ever ask questions, and I was told that no, she was not. I certainly make allowances for her to have misunderstood, but for My point, I'll assume that she was not allowed to ask questions.

A submissive has to be taught, and while I make allowances for the use of the Socratic method where you strip the student of all faulty knowledge and the confidence based upon it, and then begin to allow the learning of new information, I do think that even in that extreme a case, questions are a way to see what the student is learning. Questions show the depth of understanding, and in teaching I want to know what the student has learned; so that I can make the necessary corrections. To shut down the communication path of questions is a way to limit the success of the D/s and M/s relationship.

To be clear, I'm not talking about the endless questioning of a Dominant's decision. While a single set of questions "may" be healthy, the submissive needs to understand that once a decision is made, and no harm can come of it, she must adhere to it. But that's not what I'm discussing here. I'm raising the issue that some Dominants (may I call them "wannabe" Dominants) may use the rules of no questions as a way to hide behind. As I spoke to the submissive I could not help but feel that perhaps that was exactly the case she was experiencing.

One cannot and should not add obstacles to their lives by adding secretes, it hinders communication and any trust that is built, is only built upon a foundation as strong as a house of cards. That is no way to build a relationship where limits are pushed as far and as wide as they are in a D/s and M/s relationship. Remember it safe, sane and consensual. It cannot be any of those if it is built upon a weak foundation of communication.

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