Be A Better Boyfriend

So, you want to be a good boyfriend. Kudos. Good for you. Looks like you're in the right place. There are a couple quick disclaimers before we get started however.

1. The author has no experience with another other type of relationship besides M/F exclusive, therefore this article will speak to the reader with the assumption that his is a male seeking, or engaged in a one on one relationship with a woman. However, this article may or may not be applicable to other types, therefore use your own judgment if the above description does not fit your relationship.

2. The author does not suggest that these points will save or correct an otherwise broken relationship. Neither are they the sole determiners or a good relationship. They are merely suggestions, and are not the be all end all of relationship advice.

3. Just because the title says "being her boyfriend" does not necessarily mean that dating or other forms of an intimate relationship are excluded. The points laid out in the article; however, will most likely be expected from a boyfriend, whereas they may not be from a guy she is casually dating.

4. What works for some will not for others, so take everything with a grain of salt.

5. No two women think the same about relationships. Never forget that.

Now that that's out of the way, let's get started.

1.0 Involved

When I say "Involved" I mean get interested in her and her life. You want her to be interested in you and your life don't you? Relationships aren't one way streets. Being engaged and interested with what she does is an absolutely crucial element of having a successful relationship. If you choose to apply any of the advice in this article; do this above anything else.

It makes sense deep down doesn't it? Think about it. You're on a sports team. She comes out to see you play. (Whether this scenario has happened, or if it is completely in your imagination, the hypothetical is still accurate.) Having her there to support you is a truly great feeling. You love her for doing it, because it means that she cares about you and your life. What you do and who you are is important to her. So why should that only go one way?

Make an effort to be involved with her life! Support her activities/dreams/goals/ambitions.

Is she in a singing group? Go to a performance or two. Does she volunteer for a community service or church group? Go to one of the events, or better yet, ask if she thinks there is room for another volunteer. Does she read poems at an open mic night? Offer to be a sounding board for her drafts.

Now, there is a limit. It's called "not being clingy."

Unless you have a joint consensus that doing all the same activities and attending all the same events is acceptable, don't do it. If you are constantly with her by doing the things she does, going to her activities, or just generally being around her all the time, you are approaching a level of clingy similar to that of a stalker. You're her boyfriend, not her stalker. Get it straight.

Of course there is an exception to this exception. I have known many couples who are constantly together and do all the same activities, and it works for them. Great. I'm happy for them. This is not always the case however, and to start "getting involved with her life" by being by her side 24/7 without knowing to what extent she enjoys having you be involved could actually damage the relationship. Take it easy, start out slow. Be with her for some, but not all of the things she does. If she reacts positively, step it up a little. Always remember, when in doubt, just ask her. It's that simple. Just say; "Hey, do you want me to come with you to (insert activity/event here)?"

2.0 Conduct

How you comport yourself in a relationship is extremely important. Your actions set you apart from other guys, and poor behavior gets you negative brownie points in her mind. Just like you would get reprimands at work for misconduct, your girlfriend is only going to give you so many chances to act properly. She's picked you above many others. She could just as easily go back to the drawing board and choose someone else, so don't be an idiot and throw away the good thing you've got.

When I say "act properly," I don't mean change the way you are as a person. Don't go from being the jock she loves to party with, to some posh, quasi-aristocratic stick in the mud. Be yourself, but at the same time if you look at successful relationships there is a distinct pattern of behaviors that the boyfriends/fiances/husbands do to keep the relationship healthy.

2.1 Dates - Go on them.

Now lets talk about dates. Dates by my own definition and in this context are periods of quality time spent with your significant other. This does not necessarily mean that it has to be solely with your girlfriend, as double dates can count as dates as well. Similarly, "quality time" does not strictly mean going out to a swank establishment, eating escargot and sipping Charonnay while watching a dramatic reading of The Tempest. Quality time has different meanings for everyone. Some couples may absolutely love the aforementioned date, but I'm guessing that the majority would not. Quality time could therefore mean having a video game marathon, complete with pizza and soda, while sitting in jammies on the living room floor. As long as you both are having a good time doing something together, it counts as quality time. Just remember that it should be the two of you alone, more often than it is the two of you with company.

The distinction between a lazy night in and a date is sometimes blurry. While one couple may love to go out on the town every night and thereby understand "date night" to mean an activity out in public, another couple may absolutely hate public dates and be most comfortable staying home. What is most important to consider when planning a date is the following:

Have we done this before? If so consider a different activity. If every date night is a movie on the couch with popcorn, she will start to wonder if you are agoraphobic, or you just don't have the imaginative capacity to plan a fun date.

Will she enjoy it? Face it, not all girls want to go paint-balling. Find something mutually enjoyable but tending to lean towards something she enjoys. Absolutely don't do something that only you enjoy. Paintball could be a perfect example of that.

Is it within my means? If she is worried about how much you spent, she won't have time to relax and enjoy herself.

Is this date its own event, or are am just bringing her to a friend's party I was already invited to and trying to pass it off as an intimate date? If so, rethink your strategy. Parties are fine, but they aren't really meant for one on one time. Also a date should be a date in its own rite, not just a convenient tack on.

Can this date begin and end in less than 24 hours? Extended activities together is awesome, but don't forget; those are called vacations, not dates. Keep it simple.

2.2 Chivalry - It's not dead yet.

While it may be an outdated set of idealized behavior stemming from the medieval patriarchy's obsession with protecting the more "delicate" sex, the truth of the matter is that most women still expect and appreciate it.

This does not mean that you are obliged to throw down your coat to cover a puddle when she goes to walk through it, or hold every door, but there are some behaviors that are still an absolute must.

Open doors for her. This doesn't necessarily mean you always have to open a door, step aside, and allow her to walk though it first. Sometimes it's just not that feasible. If you walk through the door first; however, always hold it open for her after you cross the threshold, don't let it go and assume she will get it.

Hold her hand, or let her hold your arm when walking. Seriously, there is nothing more awkward than that couple who walks side by side with no form of contact. You're a couple, not just a pair of friends. It shows you care about her. Besides that, it's quite helpful to have an additional tether should you or she slip. It's like having a railing to hold onto at all times. After all, safety is important.

Raining? SHARE THE GOD-DAMN UMBRELLA! If it's too small for both of you, hold it over her, not you. You're not so sweet you'll melt.

Offer her your coat when it's cold. Chances are you can probably last longer without feeling uncomfortable in the cold than she can. You don't want to let your girl get cold. Plus, if you're walking down the street and she's shivering and you're wearing a down parka, you will immediately be branded as a cruel asshole of a boyfriend by every passersby.

Walk her home. It doesn't matter if she is hopping out of your car to walk ten feet to her doorstep, or she is walking home from your place and the walk is a mile and a half. You are obligated to walk with her. It could be colder than a witches left tit in a brass bra, and all you want to do is stay in out of the cold for as long as possible, but you can't. You are obliged to see her safely home, it's the gentlemanly thing to do. Even if you live in the safest neighborhood on the planet, it's the principle of the matter, and doing it without exception will make her feel safe and taken care of.

Stand up for her. Never let anyone badmouth your girlfriend when you're there, especially other men. She depends on you to back her up in less than friendly situations, just as you hope that she will have your back when you need it. If you let someone verbally, never-mind physically, abuse your girlfriend, you have failed in your unspoken duties as her boyfriend. This doesn't mean; however, that you should start a blood feud when your girl tells you that Jennifer from work called her a "lazy bitch." There are limits.

Be punctual. If you say you're going to be somewhere at sometime, you'd better be there when you say you're gonna be. Don't keep your girl waiting. If you absolutely can't be there on time because of unforeseen circumstances beyond your control, text or call her and let her know as soon as possible. No one likes it when another person they are depending on is always late, so don't expect her to tolerate it simply because she's your girlfriend.

2.3 Novel experiences - Share them.

Now this category is really just an extension of the dates category, but since its noticeably different, it should be given special attention.

The glue that holds any relationship together is the experiences you share together. Two friends will always talk about things that they've done together, and a group of friends will do the same. There will always be that crazy night, or that insane trip to Vegas hangover style, etc. Intimate relationships are the same.

How this fits into dating is that dating is often the platform by which couples have novel experiences. Going zip lining, taking a class, attending wine tastings, going white water rafting. These kinds of activities that neither you, nor she, has done before build the bonds that cement the relationship.

These experiences don't have to be insane things that neither of you actually like. Perhaps you aren't really a zip lining kind of person. That's okay, just makes sure that what you choose to do is something completely new to both of you. Is there a new exotic restaurant opening in town? Go try it out together. New experiences mean that you will always be able to look back on it and remember it as something exciting, and it's extra special because you did it together.

2.4 Relationship Talks - Sometimes unpleasant, always necessary.

Talking about your relationship in an open and constructive way is not always fun, especially if it's about something that could be slightly negative. When I say "relationship talks" I don't mean talking about that great date you had the other night, I mean the "it really hurt my feelings when (blank)." Or the "where do we go from here?" kind of conversations.

Relationship talks can be extremely intimidating, and being open about your feelings can leave you feeling vulnerable. Despite the fact that they aren't the most fun, they are very necessary to the health of your relationship. If there is an issue, it needs to be discussed, even if it's a small one. Small things tend to fester and in the end they will cause just as much harm as big issues.

So if you've got that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, and your intuition says "Oh shit dude, you really need to talk to her about (blank)." don't leave it for another day, or hope that it will blow over. Talk to her about it.

A solid way to open up that conversation is by saying something like "Hey can I talk to you about something that's been bothering me?" Saying "Babe, we need to talk" in a serious tone sounds wayyyyyy too foreboding and will immediately put her (or anyone for that matter) on the defensive.

Talk to her frankly and honestly about what needs to be discussed. Don't dance around the subject or be deliberately vague. Keep in mind that you should abstain from playing the blame game or being overly critical of her. Pointing fingers never actually solved an issue at hand.

In the long run she will appreciate the fact that you are making an effort to be open with her, and that you care enough about the relationship to have frank discussions about its "health" so to speak. You will feel better as well, because everyone knows that trying to go along as if nothing is wrong when something is, is not only very difficult, but also a huge burden to carry, regardless of the severity of the issue.

2.5 Compliments - Give them.

Compliments are an absolute must. Every guy knows it, but they don't always know how to do it right.

Firstly, compliments aren't obligatory utterances. You don't always have to compliment her when you see her, and you don't always have to compliment her about the same thing. The general rule of thumb is that if you think something on the inside you should say it, when it's appropriate. If she walks up to you when you two are meeting for your date and she looks stunning in her blouse and pencil skirt; tell her so. Don't just say she looks nice, or pretty. Making empty compliments gets boring and predictable, and pretty soon you'll start to sound scripted. She wants to feel special, not like a compliment whore, so don't feed her crappy lines. Tell her what you think, so long as it's not "oh my God that dress looks disgusting." Shape up bro, you're smarter than that.

Secondly, don't think about compliments as if they are a burdensome chore intended only for vain women. You like it when she compliments you, so don't treat it as if it's a one way street. If you want her to be open about what she thinks of your appearance, or musical ability, or whatever, you need to do the same for her. The goal is to make her feel special and appreciated. Sometimes you might want to do it just to see her smile, or blush a little bit. Seriously, don't skimp on the compliments, they can work wonders sometimes.

2.6 Lying - Don't do it. Ever.

This is probably the simplest section. Don't lie. Just don't. Once you start lying she will have no reason to trust your word, and trust is essential for the relationship. If anything she should be the one person who you can always be 100% truthful with. Let's face it, no one is always completely honest all the time. The one glaring exception should be your girlfriend.

If you are curious about white lies, the same goes for them. If she asks you your opinion about something, and you don't have a positive answer about it, don't pussyfoot around the truth, or feed her a bullshit line. Tell her the truth, just don't be an ass about it.

If you find that in your relationship you actually HAVE to lie to your girlfriend, (a classic example of that being telling her you're going one place, and actually going to another to hang out with your friends) you are with the wrong person. Sorry, but that's the truth.

3.0 Feelings - Your Feelings / Her feelings

Feelings are important. No question. There are a whole lot of sexual scripts about how men are supposed to be aloof and above such petty things as emotion. Because emotions can make us vulnerable, and 21st century men are never vulnerable, right?! Wrong. Please don't get too wrapped up in what society has taught you about manliness and masculinity and ignore your/her feelings. It will just cause trouble for you down the road.

Now there is a disclaimer for that last paragraph. Don't be that whiny bitch of a boyfriend. We've all seen them. They whine to their girlfriend in public about their emotions, or their feelings, or how much they hated this or that. Grow up. No one wants to hear it, and you're just embarrassing yourself, and her most likely. Feelings are good, but if they are negative ones, they belong in private. Don't air out your dirty laundry for the world to see. Conversely, don't keep positive emotions in check either. Feel free to talk about good stuff or how much you enjoyed something. The goal is to find that happy medium between bitchy boyfriend, and sour, sullen boyfriend who never says anything remotely related to emotions.

On the flip side of the issue are her feelings. Which are just as, if not more important, than yours. You are a partnership, so her feelings should always be taken into account by you, just as you assume she takes yours into consideration. Additionally, just because her feelings are sometimes hard to nail down or make sense of, that doesn't mean you can just shrug your shoulders and say "well, I'm never going to understand, so I won't even try."

3.1 Be in-tune with her feelings.

Now, as previously mentioned there is a very disturbing stereotype in modern intimate relationships. In actuality there are two problems with how society (and the individuals in society) view feelings in their relationships. It's quite typical of men to believe that they can never understand what their girlfriend is feeling, so why should they bother trying. Similarly, it's typical for many girlfriends to be hesitant to discus their feelings for the fear that their boyfriend won't understand, or even attempt to understand.

The whole situation is ridiculous, because it hinges on the idea that men are idiots when it comes to emotions and feelings. Men aren't naturally insensitive and oblivious, the unfortunate truth is that we're more or less trained by society to be that way. The good news is that you aren't actually doomed to a life of emotional idiocy. There is in fact a very simple fix. It's called your intuition.

If you've ever asked your girlfriend; "are you okay?" when she looks like she might be upset, or feeling down, that's good. It means you're intuitive. If she responds with; "I'm fine" when she clearly doesn't look fine, don't automatically assume just because she said so that she is, in fact, fine. Let's face it, guys don't like to talk about their feelings all that much, so we really can't expect girls to be forthcoming at all times with their emotions.

The big idea here is to use your intuition and push her to be open with you. Instead of saying "are you alright?" and being satisfied with a simple "yes," try asking pointed questions like; "you look upset, will you tell me what's bothering you?"

The same goes for your feelings. Don't be afraid to tell her how you're feeling. If you're afraid that she won't think you're a big, strong, man anymore, don't be. Most girls actually prefer you to share your feeling, and a major complaint among them is that their boyfriends act as if they have no feelings. If on the other hand she does think that by sharing your feelings with her that you are less of a man, then you are without a doubt with the wrong person, and you need to rectify that situation.

The whole point of this is to get to a level where you both are emotionally supportive of the other and in tune with each others feelings. Have you ever been in a relationship where there were a lot of good things about it, but you just didn't feel that close to the person? Emotional intimacy may have been the area in which the relationship was lacking, and if you can start using your brain to really understand her feelings and her emotions as well as expressing yours, then you're on a solid track to having a better, and in the long run, more emotionally satisfying, relationship.