Be All That You Seem Ch. 03

"Jane can you finish off this stuff?" Derek asked.

"Erm, well, I was leaving in five minutes."

"Be a love, you can do it a lot faster than me. I know you don't have anything to get home to, you were here to seven last week."

"Yes, yes, I was but..."

"That's great, I've got to get to the pub, I need to reserve some seats or John and Matt will kill me."

"Oh, I'm glad to hear that it's something so important Derek." Jane jibed as she took the stack of papers which she knew would take at least an hour to process and she had her laundry to do that evening."

"Now, don't come like that at me. You know what you've got to do if you want to keep this job and anyway what else are you going to do this evening: head home to eat ice cream and watch 'Ally McBeal' repeats?"

Jane normally would have said nothing, she knew that Derek, like most of the fattening middle-aged men at her work, needed to let off a bit of griping once in a while and she, as the youngest female employee, was an easy target. This evening, however, something else took over.

"No, Derek you do this, I've got to get home. Yes, I'm going to be eating ice cream, from my girlfriend's pussy, before we snuggle up and catch up on 'The 'L' Word' and in case you couldn't guess, spotting who we think looks hottest this week. Understand? Don't make any assumptions about my life."

"Fuck me..."

"No thanks, you're not my type." Jane said as she switched off her computer.

"... What are you going on about? Whose cat? What is that anyway, some word game like 'Countdown'? Can't you tape it?"

Jane smiled rather evilly. Then she realised what she had done. God, she thought, was Jay forcing her way right into her life now?

"Derek, sorry, that was a joke. I was going to do my laundry tonight, but I can put it in for a service wash. Give me those papers, I know how Matt and John can be." Jane flushed, embarrassed, and began switching her machine back on.

Derek looked at her in a bewildered way and then laughed nervously. "Oh, right, good joke. Yes, thanks for this, I won't forget it."

Derek hurried out the door as Jane resumed her seat and began processing the first document. She knew that Derek would forget and that he would ask something similar the next week. She had to keep him and the others sweet because, even though they were all on the same pay grade as her, she knew she would never progress in the company if she did not keep all her colleagues onside. Somewhere inside Jane, though, was some furious voice chiding her for being so weak and for not having a girlfriend she could eat out. Jane tried thrusting the voice aside and ended up searching for the headache tablets. With her fighting to concentrate it was passed seven thirty before she left the building. It was only as she felt her head drop as she rode home on the underground and she came awake suddenly in that startled way that people do on public transport that she began to wonder what the 'The 'L' Word' was anyway.

As she stood ironing and the clock ticked passed eleven, Jane realised she was not that surprised to find the series in question was all about lesbians, as if that was not the prime topic of the moment in her life. What worried her more, though, was how, now she thought about it, she had lost control and somehow Jay had slipped through to make her say those things to Derek. This was getting scary. She felt angry at Kym and Petra for not believing her views on schizophrenia as, now, that other personality seemed to be getting stronger and, worse than that, getting her into trouble at work. If they were not going to prescribe her the suitable tablets, she was sure she could find some herbal alternative. If she treated it quickly, she was sure that she could suppress the symptoms.

The following day's lunch break found Jane equipped with a nice batch of herbal relaxants. It was not the strong stuff that she hoped she would get from the doctors, but she hoped it would prove sufficient to douse her symptoms. Maybe all this lesbian stuff was just about the stress. Was it a cause or a symptom in itself? She found she had almost developed a phobia of mirrors and reflective surfaces and, so, in turn, she feared her hair and make-up must look so poor, though no-one had commented yet. If she could relax a little, had that not been part of what Petra and Kym had advised, then she might find the problems decreased. She had got herself into this confusing spiral and had to stop it or she guessed she would be on her way to some kind of breakdown. She took a couple of tablets with water and as she walked back to her office felt already a little spacey, but the worries about lesbianism, her job, much else, seemed to have fled from her mind.

Matt was waiting when she returned to her desk. He was younger that Derek and liked to think himself cool. When she first arrived Jane had speculated on whether he would be interested in dating her, but it turned out her enjoyed a string of one-night stands instead and the other women had warned her off him.

"Can you make copies of these for me?" Matt asked without any preliminaries.

"Isn't that Natalie's job?"

"She's busy with stuff for Logan. I need to get these done and down to the binders by four. Thanks, I knew I could trust you."

Jane found herself picking up the file of papers. "I have my own work, mini-dick, you handle this yourself. I did not study to stand by a photocopier all afternoon. If you got yourself in this position, then you tackle it."

"Mini-dick? What? How dare you call me that, you don't know your place."

"Yes I do, it's with your face beneath my heels begging to be able to kiss my boots. Now bugger off."

"Ball breaker."

"Oh, if that's what you want, come here and I'll oblige you."

Matt looked like he was about to have a heart attack while he searched for some vicious retort, but none came and he stamped away from Jane's desk. It was probably five minutes before Jane realised totally what had happened. Vaguely she had remembered Matt hovering around her desk and then leaving. Her spine felt chill as she realised what she had said. Had that been Jay again? Was she a man-hater? No, there had been no sign of that in what Jane had seen of her. Many men were fine Jay agreed it was just that she had no sexual interest in them, but, still, after all, many of her best friends were men. No, the motives for her strong reactions came from the fact that these morons like Derek and Matt belonged in some long ago age of misogyny and they needed to be woken up to what a strong working woman, of whichever sexuality, deserved. Jane tittered as she envisaged herself leaping on the desk and bellowing out 'R, E, S, P, E, C, T: find out what it means to me!' Instead she slumped back in her chair and thought through the potential fall out.

"Jane, Jay-ne."

Jane looked up, startled: it was Mr. Logan, the big boss.

"Sorry, Mr. Logan. Erm, I'm sorry, I must have lost concentration."

"You seemed to be working like a demon there."

"Erm was I?" Jane looked at her pile of work and saw that the bulk of it had gone. "Yes, can I do a job for you?"

Logan laughed. Jane knew he could be tough but he was far from being an unreasonable employer and she also knew that he respected hard work which was generally what kept her in his good books. Well, that was as far as she could tell, as he had barely spoken to her since she had come to the company.

"No, no, I think you're working hard enough. I always knew you were diligent, but these past couple of weeks, that new style of yours, you seem really on the ball, really focused."

"Erm, right. Erm, thank you, Mr. Logan."

Jane looked down at herself to see the usual suit she wore. She could not think what positive things Logan could have noticed. Surely it was not that he was impressed by her rather untidy hair that must have developed since she had started avoiding mirrors.

"I heard you sent Matt off with a flea in his ear and put Derek in his place last week. I'm glad you see them as the chancers they are. I was beginning to worry you were letting them push you around a bit too much and I was not really keen to keep on board a woman who can be manipulated in that way."

"Erm, yes, no, I agree. I'm a charitable soul, Mr. Logan, but there is a line. Their probation was over."

Logan laughed lightly. "Excellent, I love that. I'll have to tell my wife that line. Better still, why don't you tell her yourself? We're having some people over for dinner on Saturday. Can you make it? I know you young, metropolitan ladies have busy social calendars."

"Erm, yes, no, of course, yes I can make it. What time?"

"Seven for seven thirty."

"Great."

"The invitation's for you and your partner too, of course. We're a modern household, we don't judge people by their life choices. But you're saying there's no-one you have to check with?"

"Erm, no. Why should there be?"

"Oh it was just something I heard Derek say about your girlfriend's cat."

"Huh? It must have been some kind of joke. No, I'm wholly on my lonesome in my flat."

"Okay, if that's how it is. I just needed to know numbers so I could tell Jemima how many to cook for. It does give me an idea. Let me think about it."

"Right Mr. Logan, yes, thanks, I'd be happy to come on Saturday, thank you."

"That's great. We look forward to seeing you."

Logan scribbled an address on a piece of paper and handed it over. Then he drifted off, leaving Jane wondering about the encounter. The altercations with Derek and Matt seemed rather vague in her mind now, but clearly had had the opposite effect to what she had anticipated. And besides, okay, so a dinner party at the boss's house was hardly a hot date but it was the first bit of socialising she had had this side of Christmas.

Jane walked to the door feeling a little self-conscious. Logan had turned out to have a house in Dartmouth Park which must be worth millions. It seemed a thousand miles from her flat, though like Kilburn, it was still in North London. It was that the district seemed a world away from her bustling and a little shabby neighbourhood. Added to that, she had not known what to bring to a dinner party. She had not been to an event remotely like this since a few occasions at university and then the 'dinner party' had generally meant sitting with other students on an eclectic collection of chairs and eating home-made curry.

In the end had brought some flowers and some chocolates; wine seemed too much like a party. She did not own many smart clothes, certainly ones she felt she could wear somewhere as upmarket as this. She had kept it simple with what were actually occasionally her work clothes: a plain white blouse and black trousers. She was glad she had kept her brown wool coat on, because on the underground coming over, she worried she looked like a stand-in waitress for some Hampstead restaurant. Dressing, Jane had found that if she concentrated she could get a ghost of her real image to appear in front of what she saw of Jay, who, of course, was suggesting wholly different wardrobe choices for the evening ahead, including, for her upper arm, a metal snake armlet that, Jane had to admit, was intriguing. For tonight, however, Jane told herself, Jay was banished and she would be a sophisticated and urbane businesswoman.

Jane looked at her watch. The walk from Archway had taken longer than she had expected and it was almost seven thirty. She supposed she was not really late. She rang the doorbell. A woman, slightly younger than Logan and wearing a stunning red dress off one shoulder, opened the door. Her jewellery was discreet but clearly expensive. Jane quickly got in a compliment about the necklace as she removed her coat. The buzz of conversation from the dining room told Jane that she was probably the last to arrive.

"Come through." Jemima Logan said.

As Jane walked into the large dining room conversation dulled. There were eight people around the table, with Logan at the head dressed all in a midnight blue. All eyes, however, turned to Jane and inside she smiled to think she had probably made such an impact on entrance.

"This is Jane, everyone. A real star of the office. Come in, come in."

Jane was guided to the remaining seat at the side next to a woman of her own age who was wearing a dark blue silk Chinese jacket. Her short honey brown hair was swept back from her face in a stylish way that reminded Jane of the actress Kristin Scott-Thomas in one of her roles. This woman's face, sprinkled with freckles, however, was oval; with strong cheek bones and a prominent, though elegant, nose; her eyes were pale hazel. Earrings ending in a tear of silver hung long from each ear and her lips were painted a matt red. She turned to Jane as she sat beside her and gave a smile that really jolted Jane. To recover her composure, Jane made a fuss of getting seated, appearing to listen whilst Logan reeled off the names of all the guests and sorting out a drink. Within moments, of course, the conversation had resumed and Jane felt slightly shielded by it, now that she was no longer the centre of attention. The man to her right was deep in conversation with the people around him, so, rather shyly she looked back at the woman to her left and was rewarded with another sight of the smile. Jane felt speechless. This was another one to add to the very small list of women she could tell Petra she had found attractive, but maybe it was just down to their proximity. Jane fumbled in her mind for something to say.

"You're jacket is wonderful." Jane stuttered.

"Thank you. I'm really glad you like it."

"Erm, yes."

Jane was now lost on how to follow up and the two women sat silently sipping their wine.

"I'm Tori." The woman said at length.

"I'm Jay, no, no, I mean Jane, yes, Jane."

"Are you sure?" Tori asked lightly.

"Yes, it's just I've been spelling it out a lot recently." Jane hurried to cover her blunder whilst being alarmed at herself mentioning the name of her mirror double. "Tori, that's a nice name."

"Thanks, it sounds a lot less pompous than Victoria."

"It sounds contemporary, certainly."

"Thank you."

The soup being delivered to their places broke the conversation for a few moments and it was Tori who re-started it.

"I always find it a little embarrassing when you realise the host is trying to set you up with someone, don't you?"

"Erm, yes, I suppose so."

"I guess that employers, in particular, want to see all their workers happily partnered off. Though, maybe, I should not be too hard on them, it gives them the sense of being the helpful uncle or aunt character and if it makes them happy then why should I protest?"

"Yes, I imagine so, I don't think there's anything that sinister in it." Jane responded. "It's not something that usually affects me, no-one seems to take much interest in my marital status." As Jane said these words she realised they were no longer true, "Or certainly they used not to."

"This is the third time Logan's done it for me."

"Right, so who do you think he imagines you might like to hook up with this evening?" Jane ran her eyes around the table again, but no obvious single man came to her attention, in fact they all looked like couples.

"You."

Jane coughed and her skin seemed aflame with embarrassment.

"Oh, erm. I hadn't realised. Everyone seems to be making that mistake recently."

"So you're not actually single?" Tori asked, sounding a little disappointed.

"Erm, no, I am single. It's just I'm not into women, I'm not a lesbian. For some reason everyone at work seems to just make that assumption."

"I can see why, you're some kind of magnet. I might be being bold, but if you're not into me, then I might as well say it: when you walked in here I didn't know whether I wanted to own a pair of those trousers or take you in them. If you are straight ..."

"I certainly am. Sorry if that offends."

"No, no offence, but accepting that is the case, you might want to think about changing how you dress. That armlet, the top, those vinyl jeans, they are so cool, and that belt in particular, I can see why they'd think you were gay. Maybe grow your hair a bit. Look, I don't want to tell any woman how she should dress and I guess you choose what you feel comfortable in, but going anywhere in London looking the way you do, you're going to perk up interest from a lot of women. You're up there with Angelina and Sienna in your lesbianing ability."

"Sorry, you've lost me."

"Yes, sorry, no, this may be a bit, well a bit alien to you ..."

"Well, I'm learning fast if no more than because so many people talk to me as if I am a lesbian these days, by now I probably qualify as an honorary one. So what are you saying, that lesbian women find me attractive?"

"Yes, but more than that, you could turn a straight woman to liking women; you're verging on being 'lesbeyond'. Apparently women who watched Sienna Guillory began thinking how good it would be to get it on with a woman. She's married, to a man, and stuff, but women just got turned on by her. The same goes for Angelina Jolie, though she most likely is bi anyway, but just seeing her can make a woman want to find her own."

"Well, that's a curse then. Not only do people think I'm a lesbian, I'm in danger of somehow converting ..."

"Lesbianing." Tori smiled to indicate it was said with gentle humour.

"Okay, lesbianing other women, straight women."

Jane's mind ran with what Tori was saying. She felt a weariness about all the speculation and assumptions about herself and her sexuality. Two months ago she had never even really thought that she had had a sexuality.

Tori seemed to note Jane's concerns. "Look, please don't worry about it. I made a mistake, Logan made a mistake, the intentions were all good, please don't be upset, I don't want to spoil your evening. You've got to realise you come over as being really hot in a way that pushes buttons for women. I know that can be a burden."

Jane realised she had probably been too hard on the woman. Things were clear now between them. "Yes, I guess if you're not tuned into these things, it can be easy to blunder in. I'll bear it in mind when I next get dressed to go out, tone things down a bit. "

"Mmm, yes, the monochrome look, the black trousers, the white ribbed top and those Sixties style boots in both colours, well it attracts attention."

Were her boots Sixties style, Jane wondered? They were plain black, but she was becoming used to people seeing things differently to herself. Jane thought that if how she dressed was causing so much problem she should be more careful and now that she should have worn a jacket with the blouse.

"Well if you decide to chuck out those trousers, I'll have them. Where did you get them?"

"Erm, Marks & Spencer."

"Wow, they've certainly branched out since the re-launch. Please don't be offended if I say they look good on you."

"Thank you, I can take a compliment."

"Good on you." Tori smiled, seemingly pleased that she had brought Jane around a little.

"Well, I'm sorry too, you might have thought you might be going to meet Miss. Right this evening and you got me instead."

"I'm not complaining. Let's put you and me aside for the moment and let's be very indiscrete about everyone else here. Who's that man at the end there, the one with the large head and the small wife?"

Jane tittered and launched into a rather catty discussion of those around the table. The silliness of it lifted her mood and let her forget her dismay about what Tori had said earlier about her appeal to women. Maybe there was something inherent in her that made her attractive to females. Perhaps that was what Kym had spotted. The key problem, Jane thought, though, was that it was an ability for which she had no use. She guessed, however, that that was a test of her character and she could come out of this a better person if she could learn to tackle the challenges she faced as a result. She trusted she had handled this evening's encounter reasonably well but recognised she could do better in the future.