tagHumor & SatireBedroom Conversations Ch. 04

Bedroom Conversations Ch. 04


My name is Tom Rogers and I'm 46 years old. My wife Peggy and I have been married since my third year of medical school. I am presently a practicing gynecologist at the Collins Clinic in Springfield Missouri. Our two kids, a son and a daughter, are both at MU and both are going to become doctors, following in the footsteps of their grandfather and me. We have had a fortunate life and we are very thankful for it.

My marriage to Peggy is a good one. She is a wonderful wife, with only one fault – an obsessive desire to gossip with several other wives about the personal lives of the members of our club. When I tell her she is overdoing it she says that everybody does it and there's no harm in it.

Each evening in bed she regales me with stories from her luncheon group (6 gals twice a week), her bridge group (four gals once a week) and the gals she sits around the pool with. All they talk about is sex. I suppose I should thank my lucky stars that she's just talking about it – not doing it!


I was exhausted from a long day in surgery and in no mood to listen to gossip but no sooner had I turned out the light and my head hit the pillow than Peggy started.

"Grace called me today and we had a long talk."

Jesus! What was this? Grace was our daughter, who I hoped was going to join her brother in medical school next September.

"Is there any problem?" I asked, suddenly wide-awake.

"It's Fred," Peggy said.

"Fred? Fred Collins?" I asked.

I didn't like her dating that guy. He was the grandson of the founder of our clinic and his father was chief of surgery. Fred was in medical school and both Grace and her mother had kept their dating a secret from me because they knew I didn't want her to date medical students. I had to find out about their relationship from his father.

"Yes," she said. "Grace wanted to talk about him."

"I hope she wants to dump him," I said. "He's six-two and girls think he's handsome and he's fucked half the girls on campus."

"Who does that remind you of?" Peggy asked with a chuckle.

"Remind me of? What do you mean," I asked, puzzled by her question.

"I once met a medical student who was six-two and handsome and fucked half the gals on campus," she said laughing.

Shit! She's talking about me!

"And I got into your pants dammit and that's why I don't want Grace to date him. He's trying to get into her pants."

"Trust me darling," Peg said sweetly. "Fred is NOT trying to get into Grace's pants."

"How can you be so sure of that?"

"I have a very close mother-daughter relationship with Grace and he's not trying to get into her pants."

Then it hit me! The only reason that horny med student wouldn't be trying to get into my daughter's pants was that he was already there! Shit! And Peg wouldn't break that confidence.

"What did you talk about?" I asked, trying to stay calm.

"Fred asked her to marry him," she said softly.

I was stunned. He'd make the world's worst husband, I thought, fucking every bitch in sight. Then I said it out loud.

"He'd make a lousy husband. He'd fuck every bitch in sight."

"That's exactly what everybody said about you darling and they were all wrong," Peg said lovingly, almost in a whisper.

"I can't believe she'd say yes knowing his reputation," I said.

"I'm not so sure of that," Peg said. "She knows YOUR reputation and what a good father and husband you turned out to be."

"Knows MY reputation?' I said angrily. "How the hell could she know my reputation?"

"Darling," Peg said sweetly. "You are still a legend at the Phi Chi house. Fred is the only guy who's come close to your record in over twenty years. Grace figures that if I can tame you she can tame Fred."

"What was her answer? Did she say yes?" I might not have much to say in this, I thought.

"She told him he'd get her answer after she thought about it and talked to her mother."

"That's hard to believe," I said. "You said yes right away."

"Grace doesn't have a Gladys Detweiler to deal with. I did."

"Darling you know that I was never serious about her."

"I know it now. I didn't know it then. I was scared to death of her. Grace and I talked for a long time. I told her if Fred was anything like you he'd make a fine husband."

"Thank you dear," I said.

This was the first time she had mentioned Gladys Detweiler since that meeting in Columbia six months ago. Never fear, I told myself, she'll talk about her again. Peg had NOT forgotten Gladys Detweiler.

"Good night dear."

"Good night dear."


I turned out the light and the room became pitch dark. I could tell Peggy was excited. She seemed to be bubbling over.

"You've got some exciting news," I said.

"I had lunch with the girls today and Lois broke the good news."

Lois! Always Lois. Lois was married to the head of pharmacy and knew every drug people were taking from drugs for erectile dysfunction to birth control for daughters in high school. Everything seemed to start with Lois.

"What was her news?" I asked.

"You know that Lois's brother runs that jewelry store over on the east side. Well Saturday Rusty bought an engagement ring," Peggy said with a big smile in her voice.

The room was pitch dark but I knew exactly how happy she looked from her voice.

"I didn't know that he'd proposed to Pam," I said.

"He hasn't," she chuckled.

"Are you telling me that every lady in the club knows he gonna propose before he's done it?" I said in shock.

"Tom you always exaggerate! No! Not every lady in the club. Just my luncheon group and my bridge group and a few of their very close friends. And of course Pam. I told Pam and she's ecstatic. Maybe now Rusty will quit fucking that whore Carolyn Ames."

I lay there in the darkness remembering when I had proposed to Peggy. Suddenly I heard her angry voice and I knew she was remembering what happened twenty-four years ago.

"You quit fucking that Detweiler bitch after you got a ring on my finger. But the night before you proposed you fucked her with my ring in your pants pocket rubbing her thigh, you bastard."

"My ring wasn't rubbing her thigh," I said, irritated by her frequent re-telling of these events and getting them wrong. I was gonna straighten this out once and for all.

"You said you always fucked her with your pants at half mast and my ring was in your pocket."

"Yeah I know, and usually I fucked her that way but that last night I stripped her down naked and got naked myself so your ring was in the front seat with my pants. You scream at me so much every time you talk about it I never get a chance to explain."

There was a long period of silence. Then my wife screamed at me.

"YOU BASTARD! Do you have any idea about the HAPPY PICTURE you just put into my head?"

"Happy? What the hell are you talking about?"

"For twenty-four years I have had an ugly picture of you with your pants at half mast fucking that whore and my ring in your pants pocket rubbing her thigh. Now that picture is my husband naked as a jaybird with his boney ass pumping up and down fucking a naked whore and my ring is in his pants in the front seat. And I'M FEELING HAPPY ABOUT THAT PICTURE YOU BASTARD!"

I laughed. There was simply nothing else to do and my laughter made my wife even angrier.

"I'm glad," I said between paroxysms of laughter, "that at last you are happy about me fucking Gladys Detweiler."

"That's NOT what I said," Peggy shouted at me.

"You said that me naked on top of her was a happy picture didn't you?"

"Yes I said that but that's not what I meant! I mean ... I meant ..."

"Well it sure sounded like it," I said trying to bring my laughter under control.

Then she started to sulk.

After several minutes she said, "Good night dear."

"Good night dear," I replied.


I had had an easy day in the operating room and I was prepared for whatever my wife had to tell me this evening. We lay quietly before she opened the conversation.

"You were right last night," she said. "I shouldn't have gotten mad at you."

"What made you change your mind?" I asked.

"The girls at lunch today. I told them about you finally telling me that my engagement ring was not rubbing that bitch's thigh the night before you gave it to me."

By now I was accustomed to the kinds of personal and sexual things the "girls" talked about at the luncheon table.

"What did they say?" I asked.

"I was trying to explain why I was so happy that you were naked. And they started laughing. Then I said you left your pants in the front seat with my engagement ring in your pocket. And I told them how happy I felt with the new picture in my head of you naked on top of that bitch and they kept laughing at me just like you did."

"Every time I tried to explain that I was pissed about you fucking her but happy about you being naked when you did it they simply broke up in laughter. The other folks in the club dining room thought we were telling dirty jokes. Finally I figured out they were right. It IS funny!"

I chuckled at the thought of my wife trying to explain her complex feelings twenty-four years ago to her friends at the club.

"But the bottom line is that you're no longer pissed at me for fucking Gladys Detweiler," I said.

"I hate to say it but maybe you're right. I was so afraid of losing you that I gave that bitch more credit than she deserved. She was just another gal in a long string you fucked: some virgins and some whores and some soon-to-be-whores. Shit! There were a lot of gals standing in line to get into the back seat of that damn Plymouth. And the line was moving along rapidly until it came to a screeching halt for two months when that Detweiler bitch got in the back seat. When that line stopped moving I got real scared."

"Well darling," I said tenderly, "Gladys Detweiler was the last gal in that back seat."

"Looking back on that time I really had nothing to worry about but I was worried sick until I got that ring."

She took my hand in the darkness and guided my fingers to her engagement ring tenderly.

"Until I got THIS ring, I was so afraid of losing you I didn't know what to do," she said. "Rub my body with those soft hands of yours till you get me user-friendly. Make love to me darling. Will you please?"

She pulled me close to her and spread her legs.


No sooner had I turned out the light than Peggy continued last night's conversation.

"I thought all day about how much I was afraid of that Detweiler bitch stealing you away from me. I sure did give her more credit than she deserved. But before she got fat she had the best body on campus."

Now what do I say? I'm in trouble if I agree that Gladys had a good body and she'll get mad if I disagree. I wanted to be noncommittal.

"Uh-huh," I said.

"I remember one morning I walked into the bathroom at the Sigma Kappa house to take a shower and Gladys Detweiler was just getting out of the shower and drying off that beautiful body. Not one ounce of extra fat, perfect long legs, flat belly, and magnificent tits. Shit! No wonder the guys buzzed around her like bees around honey. No wonder I hated that bitch!"

"Darling I'll bet you looked pretty good yourself. You just saw her good points because you were so jealous of her. I mean you didn't notice that she had no make-up on or that her hair was all bundled up in an ugly green shower cap."

There was a long silence. What had I said? I was trying to pay Peg a compliment but she didn't say thank you.

"Green shower cap?" Peg said softly.

"Well SOME color shower cap," I said. Was THAT what had upset her?

Peggy, in that tone of voice that told me there was trouble brewing, said, "The only girl in Sigma Kappa with a green shower cap was that Detweiler bitch!"

"Well, I ... I ... figured she had a shower cap of ... of SOME color," I said.

"Why green?" Peg asked in her most demanding voice.

"Well, I ... I ... don't ... "

"Did you take a morning shower with that bitch?"

"Well, I ... I ... "

"You spent the night with her at that motel on Interstate 70 and then had a friendly morning shower, didn't you?"

Peg was angry now. She knew about our Friday night dates but not about some other stuff and especially about our nights in that motel. I couldn't deny it. I didn't ever lie to Peggy – at least lie straight out.

"Well, yeah, I think maybe I did. But it was a brief shower," I said.

"It was a brief shower," Peg said, "because you spent most of the morning in bed fucking the bitch! And not so brief that you didn't do her doggie in the shower."

"I didn't do her doggie in the shower," I said defensively. I shouldn't have said it.

"But you DID her in the shower didn't you?"

"Well, yes but ... "

"Just HOW did you do her in the shower," Peg demanded.

Uh-oh I thought. This could get very bad in a hurry. Gotta be careful here.

"Well, I just ... well, I kinda ... you know ... picked her up and ... and ... "

"I KNEW IT YOU BASTARD," Peggy shouted.

The room was too dark to see her face and that was a good thing even though I knew exactly what her face looked like right now.

"You put those soft hands on her waist and lifted her up high in the shower like she didn't weigh an ounce, didn't you?" Peggy was really pissed now.

"Well, yes, as I remember it, ah ... I did that."

"Then you slowly lowered her and on the way down you kissed her beaver and then her belly and then her breasts, didn't you?"

"Uh-huh, that's ... that's what I remember."

"Then, when you got her low enough you skewered her on that monster like meat onto a hook. And I'll bet that meat was hot YOU BASTARD!"

"Well, uh-huh, kinda ... a ..."

"Then you braced her ass against the shower wall and pounded her like a whore as the water splashed down on your naked bodies AND ON HER GREEN SHOWER CAP!"

"Well ... ah ... yeah I guess I did. How did you know how ... "


"You did everything to that bitch that you did to me. I can't believe this. Wait till I tell the girls in my bridge group tomorrow."

Peg was really pissed but then she started to sniffle and I thought she might start to cry. I gotta deal with this somehow.

"No darling, I did not do everything to Gladys that I did to you," I said softly, taking her in my arms and caressing her.

"Name ONE thing you didn't do with her first," Peggy shouted. "NAME ONE!"

I kissed her on the neck and rubbed her belly and said, "I didn't fall in love with her first. I didn't fall in love with her at all."

There was a long silence. Then Peg whispered, "Shit! It's just not fair. I'm trying to be an angry bitch but those soft hands are making the bitch go away."

A moment later she whispered, "I can feel it. Shit! I'm getting user-friendly, you bastard."

The night had started out badly but finished quite well.


I lay there in the darkness remembering how much fun it was to make love to my wife last night. She really was good when she got mad at me. I wondered what Peg would have on her mind tonight.

"I told the gals at my bridge table about that damn green shower cap and they thought it was funny," she said.

"Funny?" I asked.

"Yeah, Pat said you probably got me mad on purpose."

"Why the hell would I make you mad on purpose?" I asked. This made no sense but her friends often said things that made no sense.

"Last year I had told them what you said about me being mad," she said with a giggle.

I tried to remember.

"What the hell did I say about you being mad?"

"Don't you remember what you said last year after we had that big fight?"

I thought about last year. What the hell had I said that she told her friends about?

"You told me I was a better fuck when I was mad," Peg said and started to giggle.

Then I remembered. I had told her how much I enjoyed kissing and stroking her body when she was pissed and I could feel the angry bitch just drain our of her body as she warmed up and got horny. That's what happened last night when she got so mad about that dumb green shower cap. I didn't even remember that damn green shower cap. I didn't do it on purpose, but yeah she WAS a better fuck when she was mad.

I embraced her and kissed her.

"Let me lay my head on your chest honey. I like to go to sleep that way. I want to think about how lucky I am to be your wife."

"Good night Dear."

"Good night Dear."


I lay in the darkness worried about our daughter Grace and as if by magic that was what Peggy had to tell me.

"I talked to Grace today," Peggy said. "She's made up her mind. She thinks Fred is gonna be just like you. She's gonna say yes to his proposal."

I thought about that and, mentally crossing my fingers, I decided that my wife and my daughter knew what they were doing. At least I hoped they did.

"Well," I said, "I guess this means that horny stud will have to cut out his playing around."

"He's already done that," she said. "He hasn't fucked anybody else in six months."


"I'm sorry darling it was just a slip of the tongue," Peggy said quickly.

Then she chuckled. She was happy for Grace.

What the hell I thought! Peg and I did the same thing. Maybe this guy will turn out better than I thought at first. He's at the top of his class. He's got no money problems like Peg and I had. He's a cinch for a good surgical residency and he's got a good job here at the clinic when he finishes.

"They're coming home for Thanksgiving and want us and his folks to have a big party at the club to announce their engagement," she said.

"That's nice," I said. "Maybe he'll be a good husband. Good night Dear."

"I think he will. Good night Dear."


I had just turned out the light on the bedside table when Peggy began talking.

"I don't know how he found out but Rusty discovered that Pam knows about him fucking that Ames whore."

"Well," I said, "every woman in the club has been talking about it for six months. Maybe a husband found out and tried to warn Rusty. What happened?"

"Rusty confessed to Pam that once or twice a month he'd been stopping by Carolyn Ames apartment to fuck her. He only confessed because he knew Pam was aware of what he was doing and hadn't said anything to him about it, so he figured that he'd better get everything out in the open before he proposed."

"What did Pam say?" I asked.

"She just nodded and didn't say anything. And then the bastard said it! Men! All men are bastards!"

"What did he say?"

"He said he was gonna stop by her place Sunday night and tell her that their relationship was over," Peggy said, and added, "The bastard" angrily.

"Why are you so angry? That sounds like the right thing to do."

"He's never heard of Alexander Graham Bell? If he stops by her place he'll fuck her. And if I hear you say 'Goodbye fuck' one more time YOU can say goodbye to fucking me for a long time."

I remembered trying to explain to Peg about the last time I fucked Gladys Detweiler.

"What did Pam say?" I asked, chuckling.

"Pam said, 'He's got me by the balls.'"

I chuckled again. "Did you remind her that she doesn't have any balls?"

"No I just agreed with her. He hasn't proposed to her yet and she knows he's got the ring. She thinks he wants a goodbye fuck when he tells Carolyn that they are through. And it'll be a great fuck because Carolyn will be working hard to change his mind. The bastard! And THEN he's gonna propose. Probably Monday night. And she's gotta keep her mouth shut till he does."

"Well," I said, "maybe after all this time he thinks a face to face meeting is the way to tell her."

"Face to face? Shit! It'll be groin to groin," Peg said.

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