Before Midnight

It was a top night out, I was blessed to have such good people as my friends, as we had wined and dined like royalty I felt so privileged to be there as it was a night of celebration. It was just about time to leave, as the race was on to be home for fireworks at midnight. So we had to leave the now familiar restaurant which was littered with deflating balloons and crumpled napkins, yet it had held such a warm atmosphere earlier. As we walked to the car my stilettos pinched like crabs at my feet, even though I had sat down all evening. With this I thought .why do women choose such painful footwear? Now the race was on to get home and celebrate William's seventieth birthday in style. We thundered across the car park to my gleaming new car which was lit by lunar energy, but was powered by a high v8 engine. As we entered the car William's age began to show with the slow and sluggish manner he got in , unlike his son who was in as quickly as lightning in a thunderous sky. Once in I looked into my rear-view mirror my flame red hair flowing and large emerald eyes twinkled in the moonlight , behind me I saw Harry, my best friend and William's son, whose eyes spoke of surprise and anticipation of the night festivities ,his hair was long black kept scruffily from his face by a pair of overly large glasses. As I started the engine I glanced at the clock it was nearly midnight ,and the fireworks were due to be launched at precisely, midnight so I put the car into gear, my foot on the accelerator and sped off leaving raw skid marks in our wake feeling the unbridled power of the monstrous engine beneath me.

The car held an atmosphere of its own as we rallied off into the velvety darkened streets. There was no-one around and the streets were bare of movement and life. It only encouraged me to push the car further into untamed speed limits, in which the car controlled me and not vice-versa! As the adrenalin pumped through my veins, we continued to laugh and joke without a care in world we felt the night could last forever. It was a party in a car.

It was my fault. No ifs, ands or buts about it. I was going fast, the powerful Mustang felt so good to me under the cool dark sky, I just let it run, but the problems began when my stiletto clad feet slipped on the accelerator. I leaned harder on the gas, the speedometer needle climbed quickly. Such a sweet feeling, such a great day, and I was young, strong, and invulnerable. I truly did not see the little silver coloured SUV pulling out from the left into the centre divider, then .into my lane. By the time I saw it and slammed on the brakes it was too late. There was a long string of whirling lights and noise, then quiet and darkness filled my mind, body and soul. My mind welcomed the darkness.

The next memory I have is of the glare of the intense bright light boring into my eyes like acid, it flashed in and out as I struggled to regain vision to work out where I was, and what was going on ..I felt. Nothing. Just like waking from a fitful sleep but unable to move. Yet in my ears there was movement of sound. I heard voices, sharp, professional, assertive voices, bossing out medical orders. I sensed I was in hospital, yet my mind asked where is the party? Where am I? As fresh words filled my ears

"I've got her back." a woman's voice.

"Tie that off, she's bleeding out!"

"Poor bitch." Spoke a warm deep male voice.

"I can't believe she is still alive."

Was it me they were referring to? Am I the bloody patient here? The party? The meal? The car? My passengers? I passed out again.

I woke up slowly. Inching my eyes open, my brain scared at what I would see. My mind still raced with the same questions like psychotic vampires spinning in my head, yet as I slowly opened them I was greeted by the vision of badly fitted, dated polystyrene tiles. So cream in colour. Yet it was the smell that filled my nostrils that truly let me know that I was indeed in hospital.

"Morning!" an assertive woman's voice spoke from the side. I turned my head, well, I thought I did, but nothing in front of me moved. I tried again, I realized I couldn't move. Panic and fear spread through me! The nurse must have read this in my eyes. As I felt a tiny dull pressure on my arm, realizing someone had pressed a needle into me. As the drug filled my blood stream it soon calmed me into sleep.

The next time I woke up, I was confused with mixed flash back images flooding my mind... I opened my mouth to speak, a gurgling sound came out. "Good morning, awake again I see." "Yoghs..." came out of me. I could feel something in my mouth, it was gurgling, some kind of suction device. A Doctor came in, looked me over. "She seems to be alert." Waking wired up and being greeted by foreign faces clutching clip boards. My head still fuzzy from the sedative drugs they have given me, my mouth unable to communicate with them. The linen coated doctor sat beside me.

"I expect you would like to know what happened to you? "

Slowly in a broken Asian accent that was so hard to understand, he explained to me that I had been the driver in a fatal car crashed and I was lucky to be alive. He explained that my condition was slowly stabilising, but that there would be lasting side effects" "Do you feel this, do you feel that?" he said as reflex hammers tapped away at my body. There had been an impact to my throat, probably caused by the steering wheel since I had stupidly not fastened my seat belt. He went on to say that the damage to my spine was fairly severe, but I wasn't completely paralyzed, for some reason I had reaction in one leg. They had decided my lack of sensation and inability to move was due to my head injuries, I guess I was still unconscious during the 12 hours of surgery to my brain. It all seemed so unreal to me. They would not give me a mirror when I asked for one. I doubt if I could of held it, but my vain brain wondered what u looked like . The doctor went on to explain that I would need extensive physiotherapy in order to get me moving again .but for the foreseeable future I would be bed bound working towards a wheel chair. News of this made any strength I had left fade away.

"Now "said the doctor, he face had changed emotion, "I am afraid I have to tell you some bad news, please brace yourself for this" I couldn't move much but listened intently," I am very sorry to have to tell you this but you are the only survivor of the crash. Unfortunately William and Harry did not pull through we did everything we could." I howled with an unbelievable sense of loss, It was all too much for me to take in so soon. Tears dripped down my cheeks like a acid as my mind digested this information. A mass wave of loss tore through me at the death of my closest friends .It felt like a bad dream worsening by the minute. Yet the final kick in the teeth was on its way as the doctor added "The police have been investigating the crash scene and it seems you are solely responsible for the crash, they will be here to take a statement when you are up to it, however. It seems likely you will be charged with causing death by dangerous driving."

Fuck. Fuck, fuck were the only words I could find as I slowly registered this information. My head filled rapidly with fear of what was to come and with guilt over what had happened, like peas in a pressure cooker thoughts and images bounced in my head, then. Vomit, the force of the shock caused projectile vomiting as my body repulsed of these thoughts, not knowing which one had caused the most pain,

They cleaned me up and left me amongst wires tubes and machines to try to digest the information. Tears streamed down my face, tears of pain, of fear and of hopelessly, I felt as if I was dying both inside and out. Why had I survived such a crash? I wish I had died too. Oh where was my mum to sort things out? How could I tell her that I was 25 years old, going to be trapped in a wheelchair? One leg tingled from time to time but mainly felt numb, the left fingers were usable but my arm had to be strapped up to work the controls on my drip. I had wept for hours it felt like my features were dripping down my face like candle wax. When nurses finally told me what had happened, it seemed the two men in the SUV didn't survive. The first people on the scene were horrified at the carnage that they had found and had looked and thought we were all dead, but as they cut me from my cherished and polished car I moaned. One instant of racing power driven silliness on my part was all it took. A father and his son, gone forever all because of me. Sure, they had pulled over in front of me, because there was plenty of room at 60 MPH. At 110, there wasn't. I slipped into deep dark guilty depression, knowing that the rush for midnight had cost me dearly and that this was the worst day of my life. The glow of traffic Police glary yellow jackets and their stern faces told me i would pay for that nights actions.

How many hours, days or months did I lie there in a continuous blur not truly knowing what was fact and what was fiction? Wanting and waiting to see what my fate would be. Life was just an few visitors as it seems my friends are dead .Then one day, just after the morning rounds, my head filled with strong authoritative voices enquiring voices, they we asking after me and the continual beep of their busy radios told me who they were, A new fear filled my brain as I sensed their powerful presence .An officer came to question me .in my bed as lay staring off into the now familiar ceiling. I felt intimated and afraid by their forceful words of doom. After numerous powerful questions, the officer spoke clearly in a toned not to be messed with stating "In light of the information you have given us today that You will be charged with causing death by dangerous driving, as you were the driver of the vehicle on the night in question, we will be taking a statement today and anything u do say can be used against u in court" It seemed my hell was now on earth.

I decided I had to work on getting physically better. In the days that followed I threw myself into physiotherapy sessions willing my body to work again, even if it was half as good as it once did. Just to walk would be great. Gee how vain I had been. I had once thought life was a breeze. It seems the route to my recovery was to learn to use my body again slowly inch by painful inch. Physiotherapy sessions became my life .It was after one of these sessions that one uneventful day I was sitting in my tiny room at the living centre where I had been placed, looking out the window at the snow falling, when I heard a voice.

"Hello. I am Jeremy, your new physical therapist." I turned my neck as best I could to see who it was

There stood a handsome man, about my age. His hair was dark, shortest with a slight fringe, with eyes so alive yet so dark as if they had seen too much, too soon and too young. He was a vision of a handsome beauty to me.

"I'm Carly." I managed to speak.

"Yep, let's go to work."

He wheeled me down to the pool, got me out of the chair, undressed and into a swimsuit. I turned pink at the thought of my nakedness; he just acted like it was normal and did his job. There had been a lot of nakedness in the hospital, mostly in front older nurses. I never got used to that. It was much worse with this young and handsome man tending me.

Then he lifted the shirt over her head and slipped out of the shorts, revealing his black long swimming trunks. I felt all the sensations of female excitement in my mind. feelings i had long since forgotten I felt nothing in my body. He got me into the water, it was odd that my left leg felt wet, so did my left arm. I could even stand in the water, up over my waist, my right arm hanging useless at my side. I could "walk" if that is the word; I leaned and let my right leg swing ahead, then set it down and stepped forward with my left. My right leg would support me in the water if I watched the motion, but folded the instant I took my eyes off it. Jeremy was right there supporting me, encouraging me to force my body through the motions. Later, as I lay shivering and dripping on a big towel and he stripped the damp suit from me and towelled me dry, I glanced down. My nipples were fully erect, yet I felt nothing. My skin had goose bumps yet I felt nothing.

"Your movements are better in the water, well done you've been working hard!" Jeremy smiled as he professionally took care of drying his toned body, and then dressing me. I loved these sessions.

Back on the ward Visits from my Doctor had dropped off to twice a week or so, just monitoring my progress. Which was slow and painful, I was at the point where I could feel the pinpricks in my left foot and leg as he went around stabbing me. I was starting to hate that, it hurt. But I guess any sensation is good.

"Good sign!"

I was starting to hate hearing that, too. More sessions were the key to my recovery it seemed. I would have gotten bored except for Jeremy. He was fun to talk to; we spoke of hopes and dreams. I grew too looked forward to every session. I liked looking at him.in a way like i used to like men before. After each session, he would help me change, I was now beginning to feel sensation in my right leg and arm, and...I noticed that I was beginning to feel my body respond when his touch excited me. Was this a crush? I relaxed more with him after that as I could see light on the horizon. Jeremy began to take extra time as he dried my body after our sessions, I was responding to that nicely. I was also at the point where I could reach my feet with my left hand, and my right was improving physically daily. My mental scar ran so deep with the loss of my dear friends.

Slowly but surely I began to swim. At first it was a push and a stroke, and then I was making half strokes with each arm, finally full strokes. I was getting stronger; the little one pound weights became 2, then 10. Jeremy had worked with me for a full year the day I managed to swim the full length of the pool. Exhausted, I reached up with first one hand, then the other, grabbed the edge to support myself.

I looked over for him; he always was right beside me.

He wasn't there. Looking back, I saw him still at the other end; I had crossed the deeper end by myself.

"Now swim back."I hesitated.

"Swim to me, Carly!"

Gathering all my strength, I pushed off, each stroke was an agony but I was doing it. I refused to touch bottom even as I crossed into the shallow portion, by the time I got there and grabbed onto him I was through. Nothing left.

"You made it!" his eyes were proud. I held him longer than I needed to, he didn't resist.

It was just a week later I stood up out of my wheelchair, took two steps and fell on my face. Within another week, I was crossing the room and back. I was doing it for Jeremy; I was hopelessly, completely in love with him.

Soon it was time for me to be discharged from hospital armed with a carrier bag of prescription drugs to keep my life as pain free as possible, I was allowed to move to the neat little ground floor apartment was fine and simple, everything located easy to reach. I still spent a lot of time in the wheelchair, and Jeremy arrived every day to help me walk, farther and farther each time. That was my entire world, my little apartment and Jeremy. In my own mind, I was making fantasy plans of Jeremy and I . The way he touched me, moved me, I was sure in my own mind that he loved me, too. I worked as hard as I could on myself, trying to get stronger, better. For him. Yet I also knew that patients and staff should not mix.

On moving into my medically adapted flat .I had time I sort through the mass of mail to readjust to this tame new life I have, There it was in all its brown papered glory , CROWN COURT proudly stamp on it , I a hesitated on opening it as I knew its, content . I inched it open daring my brain to scan the words.............6 weeks time I would stand trial , before the law of the land, I would plead guilty of cause and my solicitors are ready for the case, my newly acquired disabilities would be taken in to account. Also I would have to see the families of victims. I felt that no sentence any judge could give me could hurts as much as what I had already been through. If only I had not been so rushed and so vane that fateful day.

One day Jeremy who now it seemed was growing into a warm friend. He told me that he was taking another case; I would be able to fend for myself. I cried, reaching for him, holding him.

"I have fallen in love with you, I need you with me!" I managed to blurt out, my cheeks wet with tears. He just held me close, finally I let go.

"Good luck, Carly. You will be all right my professional job is over now." He kissed my forehead, and he was gone. It seemed everybody left me.

My world fell so dark after that, I did have another professional person who came by, and she was female and older. Her name was Maria. She took me through exercises; I was at the point where I only used the wheelchair to go to the store and back. I was still unable to walk long distances. But all movement was welcomed. My business programmed mind came in handy with the preparations for the ever closing court case. I dreaded it with great intensity.

But Jeremy, always Jeremy. Thoughts of him always chewed at my mind. If only I was more physically able perhaps he would like me more. One day Maria was talking me through more repetitive exercises, I was getting tired, so I sat on the edge of my bed. I asked her about Jeremy, I had not mentioned him up to that point, as to do so bring tears. Maria listened quietly as it all poured out of me. I suppose I made a bit of a fool out of myself.

"You don't know about Jeremy, do you Carly?"

"Know?"

She sighed.

"The accident? You remember? The two men in the other car?"

I looked at her oddly, the pain slipped into my mind again.

"It was Jeremy's Father, and his brother."

I looked at Maria in shock.

"Jeremy had himself assigned to you."

"But...I..." I sat down, unable to stand.

"It was his way of forgiving you, Carly." Maria looked at me quietly, judging my reaction.

My reaction was to bawl like a baby. "He said he needed to know if you were worth saving"

It appears Jeremy will be one of the family I would face in court , one of the family I robbed of life, how many bizarre changes that bloody night had made. If I could turn back time I would, to just before midnight, of that fateful night.