Being a Man for Himself

The numbers were telling a very strange story that day. Most people would just see a spike here or a dip there and just think that it would all eventually even out. Henry didn't see that. He looked at the numbers and he knew that they were all connected. Something was going on. He couldn't say what right away but something was definitely going on.

Manufacturing was off. That made sense because of that big refurbishing project. But it didn't square with orders for rolls of toilet paper. A lot of people wouldn't see the connection but Henry did. These guys over here had posted a loss last quarter. Henry counted in his head. Oh, wait, this must be because of... No. That wasn't it. He'd love to be a fly on the wall in one of those offices so he could get more detailed information. From Henry's equivalent of a bird's eye view he had to really pay attention to understand the story.

Half past five finally rolled around and Henry got ready to leave. He might not be able to enjoy his huge flat screen TV at home but at least he could get some sort of dinner. For some reason he didn't want to feel caged in this place. He didn't want to see his whole life spent here.

On his way out of the building he saw that girl in a skirt that exposed her knees.

"Hi, Henry." Merissa said enthusiastically. "Say, can you help me with this?"

"Sure." He didn't really want to help but there he was pushing her cart full of stacks of papers into the elevator for her. Because of all the space the cart took up he was forced to stand very close to her. It would be difficult for Henry to describe what was happening to him on the ride up to the 13th floor but her smell was getting to him. The physical changes in his body were compounded at the end of this errand when she hugged him as a gesture of gratitude. He walked back to the elevator feeling... happy. He also felt very self conscious about his appearance. His clothes were all old and nearly worn out.

The entire train ride home he could not get her out of his mind. He felt like a chump who would just do whatever anyone asked. That wasn't true. It wasn't just anyone. It was women, beautiful women, even when he had no chance with them. He thought about the situation with his wife. How had it gotten like this? Why didn't he stick up for himself?

When Henry got off the train at his station the rain was coming down hard. More than most days Henry felt wronged by this arrangement. He called his wife from a pay phone to see if she would come and pick him up. She proceeded to ask why he had left work and tried to turn that into the issue. At the end of a full two minutes of listening to his wife rant about money this and money that he asked again if she would come and pick him up. She refused.

"That bicycle was over a hundred dollars. You wanted to buy it, not me. I told you, you should just walk. Don't you have an umbrella?"

Henry wanted to scream at her that she was being lazy but he didn't. "Ok, fine, I have to go."

"You'll be ok, walking."

"I have to go."

"Next time, call one of your..."

"I have to go. Bye."

"If you aren't going to use the bike anymore then we should sell it."

She was still talking when Henry's minutes were over and the phone company disconnected the call. Just great. Now she was going to accuse him of hanging up on her.

This was ridiculous. He made enough in a day to buy three bikes like that and that's not even to mention overtime. Where was all the money going?

Henry stood there in the train station looking out to the street and all the rain that was coming down. He was not going to ride in that. Even with his rain suit he was going to get soaked through if he went out in that.

He remembered the time in high school after band practice when it was raining so hard that it would have been dangerous for him to ride his bike home. His mother had come to pick him up with his two siblings in the car with her. They all went to a pizza restaurant that Henry used to love. In fact, he'd done a sort of fake summer camp at that place when he was in elementary school and they taught him how to make pizza. They had taken his picture dressed in a child sized version of their uniform next to the mascot character. His mother had smiled so much when he gave it to her. He was honorary employee of the month for a day.

Henry looked back out at the rain coming down. "Fuck this." he actually said out loud. He pulled out his wallet and extracted the credit card. He got in line for a taxi and when the next one pulled up he hopped in. It wasn't a long ride to Henry's house but every moment of it felt like forever as he braced himself to the verbal thrashing he was going to get when his wife saw what he had done.

She didn't even let him get into the door before the abusive barrage of complaints and demands for the receipt flew at him as fast as she could throw them. Then she announced that instead of making him dinner, she was going out with friends so he would have to make his own dinner.

That was a laugh. There wasn't one fucking thing in the house that Henry would honestly describe as edible. Besides that, if he did try to cook anything she'd explode at him later for it.

Henry just let her spout off and quickly figured out what he would do about the dinner situation. Now that Henry thought about it he knew exactly what he wanted for dinner. He'd used the credit card once that day, he could use it again. It had been far too long since he'd ordered a pizza and that sounded like a good idea. Food, real food, for once. He started salivating at just the thought.

Of course, he waited until his wife was gone to try to do it. He wasn't so stupid as to do it with her there. She didn't want to come and get him in the rain but then she was going to drive across town to see her friend. Then he discovered that waiting had been a really bad idea. The pizza place informed him over the phone that his card had been declined because it was reported stolen.

Stolen! What? That fucking bitch!

Angry nearly to the point of rage Henry went through every drawer and box in the house until he found some cash. Sure, his wife would tell him to keep his hands off since that was hers but Henry wasn't going to take it anymore. It was his money damn it. He called again and ordered the pizza and after it came he locked and chained every door in the house.

It was so good. How long had it been? He could feel the calories start to course through his veins and it was wonderful. Pizza was 1000 times better than anything his wife had ever cooked for him. It was funny but it seemed like his mind woke up. The colors of the room were brighter, the smell of the air was fresher, and his mind was working faster. Yes, he was going to be ordering pizza more often from then on no matter what anyone said.

He looked at the rest of the pizza and knew he wouldn't be able to finish all of it. It was way too big for his tiny self. That was ok. He could eat it later. That was something to look forward to. He felt himself smiling. How long had it been since he'd done that?

After he'd eaten a couple of slices and wrapped up the rest of the pizza for lunch the next day, he thought better of chaining his wife out. He unchained the door but as an added "fuck you" to his wife he set himself up in one of the guest rooms and locked that door.

Henry was in the dark. The room had light enough but he really was in the dark when it came to the family's finances. He knew what he made and he knew which bank his money went into. When his wife first started her consulting thing Henry had thought it was a good idea but every since then he'd been on war rations. How much was still owed on the mortgage? Did they even have any debt left? He knew the car was totally paid for but how much did they pay in insurance? He decided that it was unacceptable that he did not know the answers to those questions. He was part of a team that handled millions of dollars for the company and its clients every day. Why shouldn't he be just as capable of handling his own money?

Wednesday

The next morning Henry woke up to find his wife waiting for him in the kitchen. Henry ignored her and her efforts to talk to him and went to retrieve the rest of his pizza.

"It's gone. I threw it out." she said.

"Why?"

"Mo! We're hosting a gala for my clients in two weeks, and I can't have you getting fat. And besides that, I've told you over and over again that I don't want that animal abusing material in my house."

The total nonsense of her statement left Henry with no words to give back to her.

She continued "I know your mother died but you're just going to have to get over it and stop acting like a selfish child. Everyone has parents that die. You need to get out of this stubborn phase you're going through and get back to being a productive member of society."

Henry turned to her but the words he wanted to say would only make this an extended argument he didn't have the ammunition to win.

...

The payroll office was part of the personnel office. Henry hardly ever went here but it was important he get this done. He didn't know if he was in time to get it done for this pay period or not but he needed to get it done.

"Henry! How're things on 10?"

"Just as good as ever. How are you, Sarah?"

"Fine. What can I do for you?"

"Well, I was wondering if you could cancel my direct deposit and just issue me a paycheck?"

"Sure. Any particular reason?"

"I just figured I should try out a few things to see if I can save for the future but when all the money goes into the bank account it's hard to separate things. I guess, holding the actual cash makes it easier to see groups."

"Sounds interesting. If you come up with a good way please let me know, huh?"

"Sure thing."

"You know, if you want I can set a certain amount for direct deposit and give you the rest as a check. The only issue would be that the stub would show the full amount."

"I think I like that idea."

"Ok, how much for direct deposit?"

Henry thought for a moment. At first he wanted to just say his regular salary and then he'd take his overtime as a check but then he got a better idea. Really, his wife should only get half. He wasn't willing to part with any of his overtime so he'd give her half of his regular salary. But then he thought about it again. Why should she get half? She doesn't work. She just waste money all day. So instead of half he'd only let her have $2000. He was just about to say the number when he realized he was being too generous. After all, she threw out his pizza even though she probably wanted to complain about the pizza wasting money. Then she had $500 stashed away in the bedroom instead of in the bank earning interest. Henry didn't know what their real expenses were but they shouldn't be more than $1000 a month. If they were then it could only mean that his wife was wasting money.

"$900." said Henry. He didn't know if that would really be enough but she was always telling him that her consulting business would dwarf his salary. Let her prove it. Besides, Henry knew he could live off that much money.

Sarah from payroll wrote down the number.

At lunch time Henry ordered pizza for everyone who worked in his office and put a 20 in for bagels. How had he ever let his wife refuse him this super food? He felt so alive and full of energy. When Henry saw someone not really respecting the pizza he almost felt like telling them that they shouldn't eat it and save it for people who would really appreciate it.

He also called the insurance company. He knew that the car was registered to his wife. According to the government, she owned it. So fine, she can keep it but that didn't mean Henry had to pay for the insurance on the thing with his name. He canceled the insurance over the protest of the agent who informed him that he could lose his license to drive if the insurance was canceled before the tags were turned in. Henry didn't care. It wouldn't be his license in danger.

The rest of the work day saw Henry starting to feel guilty for what he was doing. What was his plan? What was he trying to achieve? Maybe the insurance thing was going too far. Even if not, he should at least let his wife know so she'd have a chance to go get some insurance. Then again, she had until the end of the month so there was time.

Henry stayed at the office and worked overtime. There certainly was enough work piled up for it. Somehow it felt wrong to go home "early" again. It didn't feel so difficult to do the extra work that day. He got a lot more done than he usually did. Even as ten pm rolled around he felt like he could still do more. It had actually felt good to work. He felt useful, and competent.

He looked over the numbers from several different sectors and he nodded. Yes, something was happening. Something was going on. Things were not right and something was going to happen to make them right. Someone was going to lose a lot of money and someone was going to rake it in. But where? Who? It was right there in front of him but the final answer eluded detection.

His good feeling slowly started to turn to something darker as he started getting ready to go home. He locked the rest of his money in his desk. If he brought it home his wife might try to take it back and he really didn't want to let her have any more money. Why was he even still married to her? What were the divorce laws like? Now that he was thinking about it, he knew he'd have to look into it.

Just as usual most of the building was abandoned when Henry actually started for home. He got out his train pass and felt the injustice of his wife canceling his credit card. Then he thought about the bicycle ride home. He wondered how stupid he looked as a grown man in a suit and tie riding a bicycle in the middle of the night.

How much would it cost to stay in a business hotel, he wondered. He thought about that as he walked through the ground floor lobby to the door and then he saw her.

For some reason the words 'sexual harassment' came to his mind. He had to admit he was attracted to her. There was no other explanation for his feelings but he couldn't act on that. He was married and just thinking about investigating divorce did not change that. If he did act on it, even slightly and she didn't feel the same way then she could file a complaint against him. In today's world women had to make the first move.

Then again, he could always change jobs. Why did he even still work here? He should have been promoted a long time ago. Slowly the vision he wanted for the rest of his life was becoming clearer. He wanted to matter. He wanted to leave something behind that was more important than just a pampered widow. He wanted to make something. In the long stretch of history, he did not want to be forgotten. And right there in the back of his mind he also knew he wanted to have kids. He'd always wanted to have kids. He and Keiko had talked about kids before getting married. But after the wedding Keiko had objected. At the time he felt it was more important for his wife to be happy than to try to force children on her but he was 34 now. If he was ever going to have kids and not die of old age before he had grandkids than he'd better have them soon.

Even if he didn't like the idea of getting a divorce there would be no having kids with Keiko. He'd have to leave her and start dating again and eventually get married again and there was no guarantee. But if he didn't try then his odds of being a father were zero anyway. He knew that if asked the question he would say he loved his wife and he might even be able to convince himself that she still loved him despite her behavior, but she'd never willingly have his children.

That brought his mind back to the woman, Merissa. He was attracted to her, sure, but she likely wouldn't be the one. She was so young and beautiful. She was probably already dating that other guy. How did she see Henry? Probably as just some desperate old man. He had to play it cool and not let on how she affected him.

Henry passed her in the lobby and they said hello to each other. He complimented her scarf and expected that to be the end of the conversation but it wasn't.

"So, what was the occasion?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I heard you bought pizza for everyone in the building."

"Not in the building, just my office. And... uh... it was nothing special. I wanted pizza and thought everyone else might too so I got some."

"Wow. I bet everyone loves you."

"Yeah...ha." Henry had to give a chuckle to that thought. He was sure they didn't dislike him but love him... well... that was going too far.

"You guys didn't have any left over did you?"

"No. I think it's been gone for a while now."

"Drat. Oh well. I guess I can just pick something up for dinner."

"Where do you usually go?"

"Oh, I'm still trying to find my way around. I'm new to the city. Where do you like to go?"

"Honestly, I often just grab a sandwich from the convenience store."

"You must have so much will power. Right now I feel like I'll starve if I can't get like some Chinese take out or something."

"Actually, um... I know a place. It isn't that far from here. They don't have take out but I personally think it's the best Chinese you can get."

"Really. Can you show me where it is?"

"Um Ok. Do you know where they have that park with the statue of the guy on a horse.?"

"Nope but if you have time can you walk with me? What time's your train?"

Henry looked down at his train pass and feeling a bit embarrassed by it, put it away. "They have trains that run until 1 in the morning."

"Great, so then how about since you got me lunch..."

"I did?"

"I totally swiped some of that pizza. Anyway, how about I treat you to dinner, in exchange for showing me around and all."

And just like that, even though Henry knew better than to do it, he found himself eating fried rice and wantons with Merissa. He consoled himself by saying it wasn't a date. It was just food, and it was very good food at that. He'd missed this place. The first time he'd come here was for prom. That was the first time he'd ever seen baby corn. The day after prom he'd had the entire conversation with his mom about the baby corn thing. What was the name of the girl he'd gone to prom with? Tiffany. Why hadn't he married her. She would have been a much better wife than that bitch he was then currently chained to.

As they ate they talked about themselves. Henry mentioned marching in the band in college and Merissa said she wanted to learn to play an instrument. Henry didn't know why he asked the question but he inquired if Merissa ever thought of having kids.

"And that's really the question, isn't it. We're all supposed to put off having kids until after our career is in full swing but really, I don't know. I think I'd rather have my kids now, if I was married of course. You hear on the news about some woman who's like, you know, 40 and wants to start having kids at that age and it just seems so selfish. Being a mom is about way more than treating your kids like a decoration in your life. You know."

As they ate and talked, Henry started to get suspicious of what he'd heard about her. When Henry mentioned the name of the guy who'd said he'd slept with her she didn't recognize it. Henry wasn't about to ask if she was sleeping with anyone at the company but he did get the feeling like someone was lying to him.

At the end of their meal Merissa drove Henry to the gate of his neighborhood in her very old car that sounded like it needed a bit of work. She thanked Henry for spending time with her and she gave him a kiss on the cheek. Henry just thought that people must be much more affectionate and touchy where she was from than they were here. It didn't mean anything else. He couldn't. Right?