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Click hereFaunaClub Website Transcript Draft
2/22/2005
"The Starke and Ryan Morning Show"
6 a.m. to 10 a.m.
This excerpt came from a draft of the transcript of an interview with Belinda, a dancer at the Fauna Club, conducted by Melody Starke and Jamie Ryan, on KCAT's top-rated morning show. You can tell the difference between ours and KCAT's because we kept all the stuff that happened during the station breaks. Just the sort of thing we feel you deserve for being a member!
STATION BREAK ENDS.
STARKE
And we're back with a special guest—
RYAN
And you ain't kiddin'!
STARKE
--who has Ryan's hormones completely boiling over, and can probably do the same for you. She's a grey desert wolf, and she dances at the Fauna Club, Davine Maxwell's, uh...gentleman's club out in City of Industry.
RYAN
And her name is Belinda! Welcome to the show.
BELINDA
Thank you for having me.
RYAN
(dreamily)
If only...
STARKE
(rolls her eyes)
BELINDA
It's okay, Melody. I get that all the time.
STARKE
I suppose in your line of work, that's an occupational hazard?
BELINDA
It can be...depends on who's responsible. Usually...it's me. (laughs)
RYAN
I can see why! But getting back to why you're here... The Fauna Club is hosting a charity auction this weekend, isn't that right?
BELINDA
That's right, Jamie. This Friday at 7:30 right at the club, just off the 605 on Santo Domingo Real and Logan. We've actually been doing this auction for four years now, though this is only the second time I've been in it.
STARKE
And each year, you pick a different organization?
BELINDA
Exactly. The previous three were St. Jude's, Cedars-Sinai Children's Hospital, and Habitat for Humanity. This year, we're doing it to benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
RYAN
And they, uh, they're okay with this?
BELINDA
We have had a few organizations tell us that they would rather not have us represent them in any way, but they have by far been the exception, not the rule.
STARKE
Well, the owner, Davine Maxwell, has never been a stranger to controversy, or to good causes. I understand that the club has itself been something of a charity case.
BELINDA
I didn't work there before she took over, but from what I understand from the other artists, things used to be very different. All I know is it's not like any exotic dance club I've ever visited.
RYAN
You used the word "artist." Is that a euphemism?
BELINDA
Not at all. What we do is definitely an art.
RYAN
Well, yeah, but...
BELINDA
But what?
RYAN
Ah...
STARKE
Well, I think what my partner is trying to get to without ruining his chances to flirt with you is the idea that at most clubs, dancers do more than, uh, dance.
BELINDA
Maybe at other clubs. The Fauna Club has very strict policies about what artists and clients are allowed to do. That's one of the reasons why we have such good rapport with the community, not just in City of Industry, but in LA at large.
RYAN
Um...I really have to apologize for that—I guess I just wasn't thinking. For those of you listening, we're talking with Belinda...?
BELINDA
Just Belinda.
RYAN
...right. Belinda, an artist at the Fauna Club, an exotic dance club that is holding its fourth annual charity auction Friday night at 7:30. So how long is this auction going to last?
BELINDA
We'll stay open until the last lot is auctioned off, though we do have to stop serving alcohol at 2 a.m. Perhaps sooner for you, I'm thinking.
(laughter)
STARKE
You know, it probably sounds like a cliché, but I have to say that you don't fit my preconceived notion of an exotic dancer.
BELINDA
How so?
STARKE
Well, I mean, you definitely are attractive, but you carry yourself more like a marketing executive than a dancer.
BELINDA
Well, thank you! I appreciate that; I'm studying marketing at UCLA. Right now, at the club, I've been selling my own line of t-shirts in the gift shop.
RYAN
That's right! I had heard something about that... the, uh, "Toys 'R Us" thing...
BELINDA
(giggles) Oh, yes, I did a shirt with my likeness on it that said "Toys 'R Me." I guess I got a little too close to the "Toys 'R Us" logo with that one—got my first "cease and desist" order. Hopefully my last.
STARKE
But they sold pretty well, didn't they?
BELINDA
We had a lot of people disappointed that we can't sell them anymore.
RYAN
Now, a lot of people listening probably have never seen Belinda, but there's a significance to the "Toys 'R Me" line, isn't there?
BELINDA
(reluctant, but friendly) Well, Jamie, that's true. Those who have been to the club will know this, but I'm actually inflatable.
STARKE
Wow! How did that happen? And is it just parts of you, or a full-body...
BELINDA
(interrupting, but still friendly) Melody, if it's okay with you, I'd really rather talk about the club and the auction right now—I hope you don't mind.
STARKE
Oh, of course not! I'm so sorry if I've offended you.
BELINDA
No, no, it's fine! (puts a hand on STARKE'S shoulder) Believe me, I would have been surprised if questions hadn't come up at some point. But getting back to the club, we think that this year's auction will go very well—each year, we've had higher and higher proceeds, and it's for such a good cause.
RYAN
(Somewhat suggestively) So what sorts of things are you auctioning off?
BELINDA
We've had a lot of donated items, Jamie; James Distributors has donated several cases of champagne, both for refreshments and as starter items; the girls have autographed photos...
RYAN
And other things, I'll bet.
BELINDA
That is true; we're each autographing various pieces of costumes we've used in the past...
STARKE
I understand some of your items did pretty well last year.
BELINDA
They did. I usually wait to autograph my items until after the winner comes to claim them. I think it adds a certain personal touch if I can write a message to the winner. You know, the people that come out to our auction don't have to bid, so I like to let them know in some small way that I appreciate it.
RYAN
Man, I'll bet you could write a novel on one of your bras!
(STARKE throws Belinda an apologetic look.)
BELINDA
(Slyly) Last year, I managed to get the Bill of Rights in, but it took both cups.
RYAN
(Blushing furiously) Um...ah...
STARKE
I think you've blown our cute little fox's mind, dear.
BELINDA
It was bound to happen sooner or later.
STARKE
Well, we're going to take a short break and pay some bills, and I'll try to reboot my partner.
STATION BREAK
STARKE
So you're really inflatable?
BELINDA
(Much less reluctant) That's right. Through and through.
RYAN
(Slowly recovering, taking a big sip of water) How does that work, exactly?
BELINDA
I was constructed from a very complex space-age polymer that contains nanomachines that can simulate muscles, so I have complete freedom of movement.
STARKE
Wow! But you're completely full of air?
BELINDA
That's right.
STARKE
What's that like? I mean, are you very light?
BELINDA
I wear weighted shoes when I'm not on stage, and often my outfits are a bit heavier than normal...
RYAN
Don't you worry about being popped? Like being punctured, or something?
BELINDA
Not really. My skin is very difficult to damage, not only because it's resilient, and tough, but because it's self-repairing.
RYAN
Do you mind if I...(reaches out)
STARKE
(angrily) Jamie! Please!
BELINDA
(smiling sweetly) No, it's all right, Melody. (to RYAN) Go ahead...
RYAN
(hesitantly) Um, thank you. (to STARKE) I'll behave. (He touches BELINDA gently on the shoulder, which is exposed by her off-the-shoulder blouse design.) Wow, that feels soooo...man, that's something else.
STARKE
Oh, yes. Very respectful. (But she moves closer.) I, uh...
BELINDA
(giggling, genuinely amused) Go ahead.
STARKE
(reaching out to BELINDA's other shoulder) Um, thanks...wow. I never would have thought you were inflatable to look at you, except that your coat is a little shiny...
BELINDA
Oh, that's the studio lights. I haven't adjusted my texture map to compensate for the brightness...
(The director gives a signal to let everyone know there are only 15 seconds left.)
RYAN
Texture...? Oh, man, I have so many questions. But we're on in 15...
BELINDA
No problem. We can talk more on the next break.
STATION BREAK ENDS
RYAN
And we're back on KCAT 105.7, the Starke and Ryan show! With us, we have the beautiful Belinda, who dances at the Fauna Club, and she's here to tell us about a charity auction...
BELINDA
That's right, Jamie, this Friday at 7:30 p.m., we're going to kick off the Fourth Annual Fauna Club Charity Auction to benefit the Make-A-Wish Foundation.
RYAN
Now, there's no nudity during the show.
BELINDA
That's right. But we are dressing up for this one—(mostly to RYAN) You know, we also look good with our clothes on!
(laughter)
RYAN
You get no argument from me on that score. Now, I also understand that high bidders can win dates with the artists...
BELINDA
We have agreements with several of the best area restaurants, so you can win lunch or dinner with specific dancers, and some of the lots offer your choice.
STARKE
But that's just dinner, right?
BELINDA
Well, if you win a dinner out with me, I won't be upset if you take me out to a play or a movie too!
(laughter)
But that's up to you. We do have a disclaimer that I will read at this point—(takes a sheet of paper out of her briefcase)—"Any dates with dancers are strictly to be held at public venues, and no offer of companionship beyond amiable conversation and various shared public events is expressly promised, implied, or expected in any way, shape, or form."
RYAN
Well, that's pretty strict.
BELINDA
We have not had a problem to date, but we wouldn't want to give anyone the wrong idea. (Winks)
RYAN
I, for one, have not the first notion of how someone like you could give someone the wrong idea.
STARKE
Hey, Jamie, how would you describe the color of Belinda's eyes? (winks at BELINDA)
RYAN
Well, I, ah... (holds up a hastily-scribbled sticky-note with the word "INDIGO!" on it; BELINDA giggles) They're very sparkly eyes... very, ah, pretty...
STARKE
(Grinning slyly) Let me guess...you weren't looking at her eyes, were you?
RYAN
Hey, it's tough enough hosting this show with a vixen like you. When there are two lovely ladies in the studio, I just can't deal, you know?
STARKE
(Teasingly) Silly fox.
BELINDA
(Smirking) Okay...I'll ask you an easier one, Jamie. You've hosted this show with Melody for something like eight years now—what color are her eyes?
RYAN
Oh, that's easy. Her eyes are amber!
STARKE
(Laughing) Dear, he memorized that years ago...
RYAN
(Seemingly offended) Now that simply isn't true, partner! (Doing a blatantly cheesy Sean Connery impression) I wrote it down so I wouldn't have to remember.
(Laughter)
STARKE
Oh, brother. On that note, I think we'd better play a couple of promos. We've been talking with Belinda, from the Fauna Club Gentlemen's Club in the City of Industry, just off the 605 on Santo Domingo Real and Logan, where they're having a charity auction at 7:30 this Friday, benefiting the Make-A-Wish Foundation.. Don't miss out! I'm Melody Starke...
RYAN
And I'm Jamie Ryan. You're listening to the Starke and Ryan Morning Show on 105.5 KCAT Radio—playing loud and proud with 100,000 Watts of sound all around!
STATION BREAK
RYAN
Well, that was great. You're really a natural at this.
BELINDA
Thank you. That's one of the reasons I do these interviews.
RYAN
It's funny, though—I would have guessed that you're kind of shy, despite the looks and the outfit.
BELINDA
I suppose I'm a closet introvert, but I do enjoy learning about other furs. I'm always surprised at how different you guys are on and off the air.
RYAN
Hey, we have a reputation to keep up. She's still the smart one off air, though.
STARKE
(Laughs) But he knows that, and so we argue a lot less when the mics are off.
BELINDA
So you two are...?
STARKE
No, we're just good friends.
BELINDA
But you get along so well together.
RYAN
Yeah, but it's...um, a bad idea to get married to a co-worker, and...
STARKE
We really want to keep the show interesting.
BELINDA
Of course. Speaking of which, I believe you had a few more questions?
RYAN
A few? More like a million. (To the director) Rich, can you stretch the break?
(The director nods.)
RYAN
So...you were talking about adjusting your coat...
BELINDA
Oh, that. I can texture-map my skin. Comes in handy when a girl wants to look her best.
STARKE
So what's your natural color?
BELINDA
Well, I don't know if I'd say it's a "natural" color...maybe "default." I'm a basic silver—the fur you "see" is part of the texture map. During my act, I often change to complement or even match the lighting. I'd like to think it adds an extra sort of panache to my act.
RYAN
Do you ever use your...uh, inflatability...as part of the act?
BELINDA
Of course! It enhances the sense of mystery—and some guys like the look, too.
RYAN
I can understand that!
BELINDA
(Smiling) I could tell by the way your scent changed when you touched me.
(RYAN makes a choking noise, and STARKE bursts out laughing.)
BELINDA
But when your scent changed, it kinda surprised me, Melody.
(Dead silence. STARKE blushes deeply.)
BELINDA
(Smiles) Anyway, I don't flaunt my body more than you'd expect in my line of work, but I'm definitely comfortable in my own skin, so to speak.
STARKE
Do you get guys...uh, people trying to, like, experiment with you? Try to—
BELINDA
Pop me? Not often. Usually, it only takes one warning, but we did have a guy who had to be thrown out once.
RYAN
I take it that doesn't happen often?
BELINDA
Very rarely.
RYAN
Now, the club's no-touching policy would seem to make the dancers hard to approach as it is...
BELINDA
We're very friendly—overall, the attitude is more burlesque than anything else. Plus, the no-touching policy really only applies to, um, sexual touching. It's not like we can't shake paws, or hug, or stuff like that. But it's definitely PG-13 touching.
(The director gives the 15-second signal.)
STARKE
We gotta go back on...
RYAN
But it was great meeting you!
BELINDA
Likewise...maybe you'll both stop by the club and see me sometime. (Smiles)
RYAN
Sure!
(STARKE just smiles, but nods, as the spot music fades in.)
STATION BREAK ENDS
Infl8orama, damn clever imagineering. So much offered, so many questions implied. I enjoyed the humor and personalities of the characters you wrote. A skillfully crafted story.