Best of Both Worlds Ch. 07

As I headed home that evening, the tears again began to flow. How I'd retained my composure when Jennifer made her statement about wishing we could be a family again was beyond comprehension. What was worse was the realization that I was the one responsible for everything.

Bill wasn't the only one to look back on the past that night, I sat there and tried again, for about the millionth time to try and figure out why I'd fallen for Jacques' charms, and why I kept going back to him. That was the worst of it, the going back, maybe, just maybe, if I'd come to my senses, not tried to prove my will power to myself by going back that second time, my world wouldn't have fallen apart. Had I come clean and confessed to Bill after that first time, we probably would have survived, albeit with some difficulty. But despite the guilt I felt, I hadn't, and I still lived with the consequences of my actions.

Even now, when I looked back, it seemed like a dream, a horrible dream. They say that life can change in an instant, in my case the, the instant I heard that voice say Sarah, and looked up as Bill stood there in the doorway, my world came crashing down upon me.

In reality, the first couple of months after the discovery I was in shock. Bill telling me he wanted a divorce, finding Jacques had a harem, and I wasn't really that 'special', just a regular fuck, and seeing Bill with another woman, even though it turned out to be innocent, it all just seemed to pile up on me.

I couldn't help but think back to during the affair, when I'd somehow convinced myself that it wasn't that serious, wrong yes, but nothing that would lead to a divorce, or even cause problems. After all, it was just a fling, a 'life experience'. It would end soon and then everything would be back to normal, Bill would never know and our lives together would continue to be wonderful. Even after I was caught, and realized how angry and hurt he was, I truly believed Bill would get over it, accept my apology and take me back, after all, he knew I loved him and he loved me. For that matter, I have to admit I was shocked that he kicked me out, at that time I convince myself that he was over reacting.

Certainly many of you would have me tarred and feathered, or some such humiliation heaped upon me, but in all honesty, after Bill walked in on me, it was like I was acting on auto-pilot, I existed, had some thought process, but nothing was real to me. I don't say this as an excuse, because I wasn't like that during the affair, but merely to help explain how I got through the next period of my life.

From the moment I first saw his face, I knew I could never have another affair. I tied to convince myself Bill would understand, and accept that this was a one time mistake, and after he'd cool off, we would get back together. Yes, I know that I went back to try and see Jacques right after Bill told me he wanted to divorce me, but at the time I was in total shock, and think that in some way I was punishing Bill for not forgiving me. Why I had to punish him escapes me now, and should have back then.

In hindsight it was pretty stupid to think he would quickly forgive and forget, but I had to think that, or I may have gone out and killed myself. I remembered telling him how I'd felt when I saw him with somebody else, thinking that Bill would see this as me recognizing his feelings and let it be a major first step towards a reconciliation.

Unfortunately, it didn't take long to realize that I was wrong. Bill was polite, if a bit distant when I picked up or returned Jennifer, or if we met at a school function. Yet I'd never forget the look of total disgust on his face the first time the two of us accidentally ran into each other on our own, how he walked away without replying when I pleasantly said hello to him. Still, in the dream world I occupied, I couldn't help but believe that it was only a matter of time until we were back together, living as a happy family. We would work things out, I reluctantly accepted that it might take longer than I wanted, but Bill would forgive me, realizing that he was the only man for me and that I was the only one for him. Somehow, my thought process didn't connect that my affair suggested to Bill that he wasn't the only man for me.

It was a few months later that I heard about Jacques being exposed as a fraud at the art's council awards banquet. I wondered if somehow Bill was involved, and I think I hoped he was, at least it might show that he was fighting for me, but I never could get a conversation going that might let me bring up the subject, and Bill didn't volunteer anything.

Looking back, the episode that nearly pushed me over the edge still filled me with pain, but that pain was surely minor to that Bill must have felt. I'd met Jill for lunch at one of the trendier eating establishments that day. Partway through lunch Jill excused herself to visit the ladies room, leaving me at the table. Prior to then, I hadn't paid attention to the 2 women at the next table, but as I sat there she couldn't help but overhear their conversation.

One of them was telling her friend about her recent hot date, going on and on about his performance in bed. I couldn't help but smile, albeit with a bit of sorrow and longing, as she described him going down on her, and how well his cock fit her mouth, and how he drove her over the edge as he made love to her. But what really got her attention was when the other asked how she had met this man. "It was a bit of a fluke, you know how Mary was always trying to set me up, well, Bill was divorced too, a friend of Jim's. Apparently Bill walked in on some guy fucking his wife. He got custody of his daughter and booted the bitch out. After spending time in bed with him, I can't imagine why his ex would have gone looking for more, I doubt she could have done better". I was stunned, thinking "it couldn't be, could it?" but deep down I knew that it was my Bill that the girl was talking about.

It was then that things really hit home. Bill wasn't going to come running back for me with open arms, saying how much he loved and needed me. I now understood that he had always been faithful to me, in fact I always knew it. It was only my guilt that led me to believe that he probably had screwed around on me while we were married, after all if he was guilty, then he had to forgive me. But now it was clear that he was moving on, looking for somebody else to share his life, his bed. Somehow overhearing her, the fact that Bill had obviously discussed our break up, and listening to somebody say how good my husband was in bed, made me understand for the first time the depth of his hurt. That night I came close to killing myself, going so far as to get out a bottle of pills and glass of water to swallow them with. If I hadn't glanced over and focused on a picture of Jennifer, I would have swallowed them, but seeing her made me focus on not letting her down again.

The combination of realizing the enormity of what I'd lost, together with the suicidal thoughts pushed me into counseling as a means to prevent a full blown breakdown. The visits with the counselor did help to some degree. I began to understand as we talked, about how there was something almost hypnotic about Jacques that made me, and others fall for his charms. But why did I swallow his bullshit, as well as his cock and spread my legs for him, over and over again. Why did I let him do what I refused Bill? Through the counselling I understood it was in part a reaction to getting older, that Bill didn't praise my looks as often as he had when we first fell in love, and how I thought he took me for granted.

Somehow I'd rationalized my guilt at the time by figuring that he loved me so much, he forgive me if he'd ever discovered my cheating. I also realized to my chagrin, that I did the same things to him, took him and his love for granted, but to a far greater degree than he'd ever done to me. The counselling also led me to understand that these facts alone shouldn't have been enough to make me fall for Jacques, or at least after my first fall from grace, but I never did figure out what the real cause was. No, I couldn't point to abuse as a child, or my parents cheating as a trigger. There were factors, but what it came down to was that no matter what was said, I had done the deed. And now I had to live with the consequences.

I also started to understand that yes, I did love Bill, and had always loved him, but hadn't always shown it. Clearly I'd put my love for him on the back burner, figuring it would always be reciprocated when I brought it out again. And after all hell had broken loose and I'd been found out, why should Bill believe me and accept my claims of future faithfulness. After all, what the saying, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

The healing process was long and slow, hindered by the recognition that I'd tossed away the two most precious things in my life, my daughter and husband. Had Bill played hardball and tried to deny access to Jennifer, I probably would have ended it all and taken my life. But the regular visits were a lifeline, and I waited eagerly for them, savouring every moment with Jennifer, hoping that at least I could rebuild my relationship with her, even if I couldn't with Bill.

One thing you could say, was that I was determined. Every emotional slap I got in the face from Bill, or from comments heard from others pushed me down, but slowly I climbed back up. I finally accepted that Bill wouldn't come running back, professing his love and forgiveness, after all he had nothing to beg forgiveness for, so I decided that to do everything in my power to demonstrate my love for Jennifer, and take anything Bill wanted to dish out. And believe me, I did love Jennifer, even though I may not have shown it through my affair. It was my fault that we weren't together as a family, my fault she lived in a single parent home.

Through counselling I began to understand how Bill probably had felt, and still felt. To put it bluntly the more I talked at my sessions the more I realized that I wouldn't take myself back, if the roles were reversed. Here I was trying to understand the level of hurt, from hearing about him with that woman after our divorce, how much worse would it have been if I'd walked in on him, had suspected him and found out he was cheating. "Yes," I thought, "he had every right to hate me after what I did to him, to us."

Despite the never ending regret and remorse I felt, the acceptance of his rejection actually brought me a sense of peace, maybe because I knew there was no reason for him to take me back. As time went on, I got more and more involved with Jennifer. I attended all school and sporting events, never missing a game, and catching most practices. It was difficult seeing Bill knowing he hated me, but his public politeness, even after I realized it was a put on, made it more tolerable for me.

I had no interest in dating, it was Bill or nobody, and since clearly he didn't want me, then nobody it was. I only wish that I'd never deviated from that policy with Jacques. A number of friends tried to set me up, but I politely told them thanks but no thanks. The same applied to the men who tried to hit on me, mind you, depending on how persistent they were in refusing to accept my rejection of them, I wasn't always that polite.

The first Christmas after the separation had been particularly hard for me, Bill had Jennifer with him for Christmas, we'd agreed through our lawyers that I would get her the next year. Christmas had been a special time in our home, and being without my daughter and husband, along with the traditions we'd kept was especially traumatic, but I survived.

It was the second Christmas that saw the door open, albeit ever so slightly. Jennifer had made it pretty clear that Christmas hadn't been the same the first year, heck, probably nothing was. But waking up on Christmas morning and having only one parent to share the day had brought up the hurt all over again. At the same time, she made it clear that she felt so bad for me being all alone Christmas day.

One good thing about Bill, he'd never blamed me in front of Jennifer for the break up of our marriage, and managed to contain the hatred he felt for me when she was about. Later on, he did tell me that on the recommendation of his lawyer, he attended some classes for divorced parents.

As that next Christmas approached, Jennifer talked wistfully about how sad Christmas was, and how Bill would be alone this year. Bearing those thoughts in mind, I'd screwed up my courage and when I picked Jennifer up in early December I'd spoken to Bill, " I understand if you aren't interested, but Jennifer was worrying about you being alone for Christmas. If you are I'd love to invite you over for dinner, for the day for that matter, but only if you have nothing to do. She is our daughter, and it would be nice if we could put things aside and try and make the day a bit more like she was used to, after all, she is only young once."

In all honesty, I expected Bill to reject my offer out right, but to my shock he indicated that he'd think about it. I was even more surprised when he phoned me the next week to say that he'd come, asking what he could bring.

To say things were awkward would be an understatement, I'm sure you could have cut the tension between us with a knife, but as the afternoon progressed things did get somewhat easier, probably because the way Jennifer lit up. Maybe she hoped we'd get back together, but we both had made it clear to her that this was a special day, and that's why we were all together. Bill seemed genuine in his pleasantness, but was still somewhat reserved most of the time.

For my sake, fortunately my counselling sessions had led me to not put too much in the way of expectations on the day, but just to enjoy the feelings it brought. We did have a pleasant day, especially Jennifer, well, I'd be less than honest if I didn't admit that it was a special day for me too. While things didn't turn around overnight, at the same time they didn't revert to the exact way they had been prior to Christmas.

While things were still cool, the overt hostility which I'd faced from Bill in public dissipated, being replaced with a general acceptance, if not warmth. But gradually, there was an acknowledgement of my presence at Jennifer's activities, and when Jennifer invited me to sit with them at a school function, Bill didn't oppose it. Gradually we started to share more events together for the sake of our daughter, cheering her on from the bleachers, watching proudly as parents should at her accomplishments, and failures where she had given her best. Jennifer started to invite me to share special occasions at her new home, birthdays, thanksgiving as well as Christmas.

I treasured and enjoyed all of those, but at the same time felt great sadness, for the feeling of family and togetherness was just so fleeting, and not permanent.

At the same time, I knew from what I overheard that Bill was still out dating other women. While it still hurt, I accepted that he was doing it because of what I'd done, and because of that, he was free, he wasn't cheating, he was a single man. There still were nights that I cried myself asleep thinking of him with other women, but the bitterness was now self directed, where it belonged, and not focused on Bill. I understood that while we hadn't had a perfect marriage, I'd thrown away one that many would have killed for.

Maybe it was surprising that Jennifer brought up her feelings that night, or maybe it was more surprising that it hadn't happened earlier. In any event, as I struggled to fall asleep, I realized that while I had rebuilt my relationship with my daughter, what I truly wanted was to regain my family as a whole, a dream of the best the world could offer me, but sadly, only a dream.